On the Wedding Night, I Transmigrated to After the Divorce – Chapter 89
by Little PandaA Person Must Keep Their Word
“Come back to me, okay?”
The feeling of being abandoned by the whole world tormented Yu Yan, filled her with anxiety. She felt like everyone around her was looking at her differently.
The Fu family must resent her — the Fu family probably hated Yu Lan to the bone, so how could they not take it out on her? Taking it out on her would only be human nature, something Yu Yan deserved to bear.
Yu Lan despised her — Yu Lan wasn’t her biological mother. Yu Yan couldn’t understand what right she’d ever had to argue with her, to go against her. All that fearlessness she’d once had, after the truth came to light, had slapped her hard across the face, making her understand that in Yu Lan’s eyes, she was just an adopted daughter who wouldn’t study, who was willful and hard to teach. She didn’t love her. She’d never been her mother, so where was the maternal love? It was already good enough that she hadn’t sent her back to the orphanage. After all these years, had Yu Yan ever made her satisfied?
And as for Fu Yunqing marrying her — from an outsider’s perspective, it was the worst possible luck, an undeserved calamity. Did Fu Yunqing herself have some regrets, too?
These overly extreme thoughts kept circling in her mind, and she impulsively had the urge to leave.
She knew these assumptions were wrong. She knew the thought of separating was even more wrong. How could she be apart from Fu-jiejie? They’d said they would be together forever. She couldn’t imagine how she would get through life without her, and she couldn’t imagine how heartbroken Fu Yunqing would be if she really left.
During that time, Fu Yunqing was very busy. Most days she left early and came back late. Yu Yan knew she was tired, felt sorry for her, and didn’t want her own emotions to affect her, didn’t want to make her even more tired or annoyed. So she tried very hard to act in front of her the same as before — warm and attentive to her jiejie1, kissing and hugging her just like before, close and inseparable.
In fact, after constant internal friction, Yu Yan developed a stubborn, restless need to eliminate the distance between them, to find a sense of security. For a while, she became even more clingy.
As if that could make up for something. She sent her dozens of messages every day, often called her while she was still working to ask when she was coming home. Fu Yunqing replied to every single message, coaxed her in a soft voice through every call. Sometimes when Yu Yan’s longing was too intense, she would immediately drop her work to go be with her.
Of course, Fu Yunqing never took out her anger on her over Yu Lan, not even a little. She was even more patient with her than before. On the surface, their relationship seemed closer, their feelings better. But in reality, Yu Yan’s anxiety never stopped.
She started caring about things she’d never worried about before, things she’d never deliberately fixated on — she started caring about how fast Fu Yunqing replied to her messages. If she wasn’t answered immediately, she’d feel uncomfortable, overthink, believe that her high-frequency interruptions had already made Fu Yunqing lose patience, that even if she saw her reply, she’d deliberately leave it aside. She would constantly go back and read, constantly analyze every word Fu Yunqing wrote back, trying to find evidence of impatience. She even wondered whether, when Fu Yunqing answered her call during a busy moment and said softly, “I’m busy, sweetheart,” it was a playful complaint or genuine irritation.
Fu Yunqing was close with her family, and Yu Yan even secretly compared herself — in Fu Yunqing’s heart, who was more important, her or her family?
If one day Fu Yunqing had to make a single choice, would she choose her?
The more she thought, the deeper she sank. As time went on, none of the problems tormenting her were resolved at all. Instead, her self-loathing grew stronger. Forget Fu Yunqing — even she herself couldn’t stand how high-strung she’d become.
She felt exhausted and in pain. She pessimistically believed that she and Fu Yunqing could never go back to how they were, that she could never be as relaxed and happy by her side as before.
“Yu Lan also told me to divorce you.” Yu Yan took a deep breath. “She said that marrying you was only temporary anyway, and that later she was going abroad to develop, and I should go with her.”
At the time, Yu Yan had still resisted. But one sentence from Yu Lan shattered her fragile persistence.
Yu Yan’s lips curved, but her eyes were sad. “She said, ‘It’s already like this now, and you still have the nerve to stay with her? How will the Fu family see you? How will Fu Yunqing see you? Do you still want to stay with her and be an eyesore to their family?'”
At the time, Yu Yan was already hurting and anxious, already on the verge of collapse. That sentence was undoubtedly a heavy blow. She couldn’t adjust no matter what, and she believed it deeply.
When the pain brought by love has already far surpassed the joy, wanting to escape is almost the instinct of a fragile person.
She wanted to run away, to a place where no one knew her, to catch her breath, to escape the suffocating environment, to let her brain stop the painful internal friction.
She selfishly decided to give up on loving Fu Yunqing.
So in Fu Yunqing’s eyes, she gave her cliff-like cold violence2. Without any warning, she became like a snail retreating into its shell, refusing to communicate with her, refusing to answer her calls, moving out of their bedroom, even wanting to move out on her own, without telling her why.
The truth was, she still didn’t have the courage to say the word “divorce.” Every time the words reached her lips, a piercing pain would steal her voice. It wasn’t until Fu Yunqing broke down in tears in front of her, begging her, asking her what had happened, asking if she had done something wrong, that she realized what kind of torment her cowardice had brought her.
She finally said the word “divorce.” She held back her tears. Fu Yunqing was stunned for a long time, asked her why. She said from the bottom of her heart, “Being with you… I don’t feel happy anymore.”
That answer undoubtedly wounded her deeply. Fu Yunqing kept asking why, but Yu Yan’s mind was already a mess. She felt that the problems between them could never be solved. What was the use of talking? She didn’t want to go on anymore. She couldn’t bear anything anymore. She didn’t want anything anymore. Her only thought was to escape, to find relief, to refuse all communication.
Fu Yunqing absolutely refused to agree to a divorce. They were deadlocked for nearly two months. Yu Yan treated her with nothing but cold, icy silence, until finally, she got her concession.
She didn’t know that Fu Yunqing’s concession was also because she loved her.
Yu Yan was not a qualified lover. She really didn’t deserve the way Fu Yunqing was still trying to hold on to her at the very last moment.
She didn’t dare to look at Fu Yunqing’s pleading eyes. In the final moment, she cowardly and selfishly turned her head away, leaving Fu Yunqing only with her back.
Yu Yan sniffled, her eyes wet. She wiped them with the back of her finger, then immediately curved her eyes again, her voice thick with a nasal tone. “Seriously, meeting me and Yu Lan was really an undeserved calamity3 for you. She did those things, and I also ruined your peaceful life, hurt your heart, made you suffer so much. It really shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry.”
The last trace of sunset was swallowed by darkness. The sky and the sea both turned into a pressing, unrestrained black. White waves kept surging and piling under the dim yellow streetlights, like Yu Yan’s voice, carried near and far by the sea breeze.
Yu Yan was half-turned away from her. Even her apology came with a smile, pretending to be lighthearted. Fu Yunqing finally understood what Lu Yu had meant by “a smile that was so pale.”
“No…” Fu Yunqing’s brows were full of sorrow, her eyes brimming with pain for her.
“It’s not an undeserved calamity.” Unable to bear her belittling herself, Fu Yunqing’s voice was also choked, but she forced a rational firmness, shaking her head at her, trying hard to tell her:
“I was also wrong. I wasn’t attentive enough. I didn’t notice your emotional changes. I didn’t help you. I also bear a great responsibility.”
It was true. Fu Yunqing really felt she bore a great responsibility.
Yanyan had expressed her guilt to her so many times — that alone should have shown how deeply she regretted that matter. But Fu Yunqing had been so careless. She’d only comforted her a few times, and when Yanyan stopped bringing it up, she’d let her guard down.
She hadn’t put herself in Yanyan’s shoes. She herself clearly knew that no one would blame her, so she’d comfortably assumed that the matter was over, never imagining that Yanyan would be so tormented inside.
Before the divorce, Yanyan had already started having insomnia. Fu Yunqing had actually believed her when she said she’d just napped too long at noon, and hadn’t immediately taken her to see a doctor.
Her cold violence had been so sudden, so suspicious. Fu Yunqing had wondered if she herself had done something wrong, wondered if Yu Lan had asked her to divorce, wondered if the earlier incident had still affected her. But no matter what she asked, Yu Yan wouldn’t answer. She was confused too, so much so that when she saw Yu Yan hugging a strange woman the evening after the divorce, she broke down and became convinced that Yu Yan had fallen for someone else. After that, she never went looking for her again.
She was full of regret. She thought, if only she’d been more attentive, if only she’d helped Yanyan untangle her heart at the very beginning, they would never have separated.
Or if, after the divorce, she had taken the initiative to find her, to discover something, Yanyan wouldn’t have been alone in a strange city, getting sicker and sicker.
How hard was that illness to endure? How painful? Fu Yunqing still couldn’t imagine how she had gotten through it. Her heart ached as she wanted to ask a thousand times — why didn’t you tell me?
“Really, no one is going to take it out on you. They all know you’re a good kid. They all care about you. Grandmother was even afraid you’d overthink it, so she asked me to tell you it had nothing to do with you. Do you remember?”
“Mm, I know.” Yu Yan smiled again. This smile seemed a bit brighter, but Fu Yunqing was already afraid. She didn’t dare to let her guard down, her eyes full of worry. “Do you really know?”
“Really…” Her voice rose at the end. She turned her face to look at her, her tone a little playful. “Didn’t you ask me to send Grandmother a voice message before? Grandmother sent me one back too. I promised I’d go visit her. Why haven’t you taken me yet?”
“Any time is fine,” Fu Yunqing said seriously. “As long as you want to go, I can take you tomorrow.”
Hmm… is that so?
But she still hadn’t had enough fun yet.
Yu Yan didn’t answer. She skipped over the joke and became half-serious, telling her, “That woman you saw me with that night was a friend of mine from Nancheng. She’s a psychologist. She was visiting Yuncheng at the time. After we got the divorce certificate, I felt terrible the whole time — chest tightness, heartache, even my hands were shaking. I felt like I was about to die. I randomly reached out to her for help. I poured my heart out to her, and as I talked, I broke down. That’s when she hugged me, to comfort me.”
Talking about being wrongly accused of cheating by Fu-jiejie, Yu Yan still felt wronged. She shot her a look that was both reproachful and playfully coquettish, then said proudly, “You know what? After I got together with you, I really never thought about another woman again.”
Even though she used to be a total flower butterfly4, once she’d given her heart to a woman like Fu-jiejie, it was never coming back. Day by day, she was so well-behaved it was almost ridiculous. No matter how beautiful the woman, if she asked for her WeChat, she wouldn’t add her.
“Mm… I believe you.” Fu Yunqing said, “I’m sorry. I was too harsh that day. Don’t take what I said to heart. And the things I did — can you forgive me too?”
Yu Yan didn’t answer. She just looked at her.
Had Fu-jiejie done anything wrong? Was she worse than her, a heartless woman5? How could she need her forgiveness?
“Let’s make up, okay? Let’s not be apart anymore. I’ll take you to see a doctor, take you to see Grandmother. Honey is home alone. She misses you. She can’t bear you leaving again either.”
Yu Yan laughed out loud again. Fu-jiejie’s way of trying to keep her was still the same as before — always trying to trap her with a little animal.
Didn’t she know? The one who could always trap her best was Fu-jiejie herself.
But then Fu Yunqing said, “Yanyan, you are very important to me. More important than anyone. I love you. I love you so much. Come back to me, okay?”
She was so serious. The smile faded from Yu Yan’s lips. She blinked, then pursed her lips and pretended to think for a moment, then shook her head. “Your possessiveness is way too strong. I can’t handle it. No way.”
Her eyes and tone were clearly flirtatious. Fu Yunqing could tell, but she was still afraid she might mean it. She didn’t want her to tease her. She frowned. “Yanyan…”
“But I did promise you that I’d go with you to see the snow by the sea on your birthday. It’s just that my passport isn’t with me, so I can’t go abroad. I had to pick a coastal city that’s supposed to have more snow. But I forgot to check the weather forecast here. When I got off the plane during the day, I never expected it to be a sunny day.”
Fu Yunqing saw her say to her, very slyly, “So I still have to go with you first, right? A person must keep their word6.”
Fu Yunqing couldn’t quite figure out what she meant.
“Also, you hid my ID card, so I can’t check into a hotel.” Even without her ID, there was an electronic version, and if she could fly here, she must have had a temporary one. She didn’t mind at all how flimsy her lie was, and demanded bossily, “It’s too cold here. I don’t want to stay here anymore. You have to help me get a hotel room.”
The author has something to say:
Yan-jie: Never thinking about other women again — that’s really something to be proud of.
Footnotes
- 'Jiejie' (姐姐) is the Chinese term for an older sister, commonly used as an affectionate address for a female partner or close friend.
- 'Cold violence' (leng baoli) refers to emotional abuse through silence, withdrawal, and neglect. 'Cliff-like' (duan ya shi) emphasizes the sudden, abrupt nature of the withdrawal.
- 'Undeserved calamity' (wu wang zhi zai) is a Chinese idiom meaning a misfortune that is not one's fault, an unexpected disaster.
- 'Flower butterfly' (hua hu die) is Chinese slang for a social butterfly — someone who flirts and moves between many people.
- 'Heartless woman' (fu xin nü) is a term for a woman who is unfaithful or abandons a romantic partner; a 'breaker of hearts.'
- 'A person must keep their word' (zuo ren yao yan er you xin) is a Chinese idiom meaning one must be true to their word and keep their promises.
0 Comments