On the Wedding Night, I Transmigrated to After the Divorce – Chapter 85
by Little PandaA Heart Cut by Knives
Remembering Everything
Dan Lin rushed upstairs immediately after receiving the call, only to find Yu Yan standing dazed in the middle of the living room.
“Yanyan…”
She hesitated, stopping herself before she could speak. Yu Yan looked toward her, her face fully stained with tears, a thick mist swimming in her eyes. She didn’t stubbornly insist on leaving, nor did she say a single word. She merely wiped the tears from her face in a messy motion, lowered her head to sniffle dejectedly, turned her face away, and walked upstairs in a daze.
The little black cat had witnessed the entirety of their argument from the side. Anxious, it had run in circles around them, meowing and clawing at their pant legs, but neither of them paid it any mind. Instead, the fight had only escalated.
After Fu Yunqing left, it had worriedly pawed at Yu Yan’s cuffs several times, but it never managed to catch her eye.
It followed Yu Yan anxiously, trailing behind her all the way back to her room upstairs. When Yu Yan sat on the sofa, it jumped up after her, slowly curling up in her lap to keep her silent company.
It was incredibly perceptive. Cats understood human arguments; they could sense when human emotions were off, and they truly knew how to provide comfort… Yu Yan looked down at it, and it looked up at her in turn. Yu Yan wondered if Honey was so smart that she could actually understand human speech. Did Honey know that the jiejie she was currently comforting had almost abandoned her and walked away just moments ago?
If Honey knew, would she be heartbroken?
—To leave her, she had wanted nothing. She hadn’t wanted her, she hadn’t wanted their cat, and she hadn’t wanted any of their memories. How could Yu Yan be such a terrible person? How could she discard everything so easily? How could she fall in love with someone else and stubbornly insist on leaving, completely disregarding her agony?
—”But Yu Yan, I really used to be a normal person. I didn’t suffer from insomnia night after night. I wasn’t constantly plagued by insecurity. I wasn’t this sensitive and extreme. I didn’t find myself completely unable to recover any sense of security, and I wasn’t in so much agony that I didn’t know how to go on.”
Was everything Fu Yunqing said true? Was it really she who had abandoned her? Was it she who didn’t want her, she who had ruined their relationship…?
If it was true, what on earth had happened? If it was false, why did Yu Yan’s heart ache so terribly, and why did her tears flow so endlessly, refusing to stop no matter what?
What on earth had actually happened…?
What had she actually forgotten? Yu Yan felt herself going slightly mad. She clawed at her head, tangling her long hair into a messy nest, desperate to remember something, any detail.
She couldn’t remember…
Why couldn’t she remember…?
Unable to calm herself, Yu Yan stood up, walked to the window, and called Lu Yu. Lu Yu was still at work, but when she saw the caller ID, she immediately stepped out of her office to answer. “Hello?”
“Lu Yu…”
One listen to her voice was enough for Lu Yu to know something was wrong. “What’s wrong? Are you crying?”
Pressing her forehead against the glass, Yu Yan stared out at the vast world outside through a blur of tears. “Lu Yu, I feel so awful…”
Lu Yu let out an “ah” of surprise. “What’s wrong? Didn’t you tell me you were going to celebrate Li Tong’s birthday? Did you and Fu Yunqing get into a fight, or did something happen?”
“I…”
Yu Yan didn’t know how to explain. Anxious and in agony, she asked urgently, “Tell me… you said before that I was with another woman in Nancheng. Was that really true? Can you tell me what actually happened back then? Did I really cheat? Lu Yu, I’m so miserable…”
Yu Yan had never felt so awful. Her heart felt as though it had shattered; she couldn’t claw anything back, and the pain was boundless.
Lu Yu bit her lip and let out a deep sigh.
“Yanyan…”
“You didn’t cheat.”
Yu Yan pressed further, “You didn’t cheat? Then who on earth was that woman? Can you tell me?”
“I don’t know either; you never told me. But…” Lu Yu took a deep breath. “You didn’t cheat. You… loved her very much. You’ve missed her all this time.”
Yu Yan’s heart trembled.
Loved her very much, and missed her all this time…
Yu Yan’s tears began to pour uncontrollably once more. Both the tears and the heartache seemed to be purely instinctive, physical reactions.
“Then why did I leave her?”
Lu Yu pressed her lips together tightly.
At first, Lu Yu had been glad that Yu Yan had lost her memory, but she couldn’t stop certain things from happening. Lu Yu wasn’t religious, but she believed that the people one met and the things that happened in life were all driven by fate.
She hadn’t wanted to tell Yu Yan too much about the past because she didn’t want her to be unhappy. Yet, after going in circles, they’d ended up right back at this point. Were their fates simply destined to be intertwined? Some things were meant to be faced and resolved.
Running away was never going to work; there had to be a proper conclusion.
She said, “Yanyan, you were sick.”
Yu Yan froze.
She was sick?
Yu Yan couldn’t go to Li Tong’s birthday party anymore. She apologized to Li Tong, who expressed her understanding and didn’t blame her at all. Yu Yan stayed in her room all day without her overwhelming emotions easing even a fraction. She was constantly plagued by palpitations and anxiety. She stayed by herself until ten in the evening, having eaten nothing all day, devoid of any appetite, and even frequently feeling nauseous.
She didn’t know what gave her the strength to walk downstairs. Only Dan Lin was in the living room; Fu Yunqing hadn’t returned.
Yu Yan knew she was under house arrest, but she didn’t have the energy to care anymore, nor did she resent Fu Yunqing’s suffocating behavior. All she cared about was: when would Fu Yunqing come back?
Her subconscious was constantly waiting for Fu Yunqing to return.
Dan Lin didn’t know the answer, and Yu Yan didn’t ask.
Yu Yan forced down a few mouthfuls of a dinner that had been delayed for hours, then went back upstairs to her room. She looked around this space where they had spent day and night, virtually inseparable, over the past weeks—their former home.
All kinds of memories and every instance of Fu Yunqing’s kindness flooded her mind, accompanied by an unspeakable dull ache. Yu Yan’s eyes still stung, already swollen. She pulled out her phone and opened her chat with Fu Yunqing.
Their messages, which had previously been a lively, continuous stream, had ground to a halt this morning. Because Yu Yan had locked her bedroom door last night, Fu Yunqing hadn’t been able to enter. She had sent messages asking if Yu Yan was awake, telling her not to be angry anymore, reminding her that even if she was still upset she needed to go downstairs and eat breakfast, and sending several cute stickers to coax her.
What was Fu Yunqing doing now? Where was she? When would she be back?
Yu Yan felt incredibly anxious. She wanted to send her a message, but she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what Fu Yunqing’s state of mind was right now, nor did she know how to handle their current relationship. She wanted to explain to Fu Yunqing that she hadn’t cheated, but she hadn’t even fully sorted out the facts herself. How could she possibly explain?
She couldn’t bear to make Fu Yunqing sad, yet she was also afraid to contact her, afraid of communicating.
She didn’t know how to describe this fear, nor did she know how to break the current deadlock.
In the end, she sent nothing. She lay in bed, awake all the way until morning. She kept trying hard to remember, racking her brain until it throbbed with a splitting headache, yet she still couldn’t recall a thing.
She slept fitfully until noon, waking up with a start several times. Every single time she jolted awake, she’d grope for her phone before even opening her eyes, hoping to see if Fu Yunqing had sent her any new messages. Her heart would leap into her throat, only to sink in disappointment every time.
She went downstairs for lunch, then sat on the living room sofa, waiting until the sun dipped below the horizon. Fu Yunqing still hadn’t returned, nor was there any message from her.
Where was she? Why wasn’t she coming back?
Yu Yan wanted to apologize to her. She knew the words she’d said were far too hurtful—she was the one who had driven her crazy, yet she had turned around and blamed her for being suffocating.
She had lashed out at Fu Yunqing with cruel words, completely disregarding all of her kindness. She’d been such a bastard, so incredibly out of line.
Yu Yan regretted it so much.
【I’m sorry, what I said was too hurtful】 She typed out the message, wanting to send it to her, but hesitated for a long time before deleting it. She felt those words were too weak. Could an apology really erase the fact that she had meant those words when she spoke them?
Could that really erase anything?
Had Fu Yunqing been hurt so deeply that she didn’t want her anymore? She couldn’t help but worry about this endlessly.
She sat alone on the sofa until two in the morning, but Fu Yunqing still hadn’t returned.
She hadn’t slept properly in nearly forty-eight hours. She was exhausted, and her head throbbed. When Dan Lin advised her to get some rest, she couldn’t hold out any longer and lay back down in bed. She was so tired that she seemed to fall asleep instantly, yet at the same time, she didn’t seem to.
Her brain didn’t rest. All sorts of chaotic thoughts drifted from reality into her dreams. She dreamed of the scene from yesterday morning, and Fu Yunqing’s hysterical state replayed before her eyes like a movie. This time, Yu Yan desperately wanted to open her mouth and deny it, but her throat was so hoarse she couldn’t make a single sound.
Her dreamscape shifted like a mercurial black hole. As her mind drifted, she was sucked into a distant memory—the scene of her first meeting with Fu Yunqing, the startled expression on her face when she first called her “Fu-jiejie,” and their wedding in Ireland, which turned out to be so grand. Fu Yunqing had kissed her gently. What did that “I do” actually mean?
She’d fainted in her room without any warning. When she opened her eyes again, Fu Yunqing was sitting by her bedside, the worry on the woman’s face instantly turning to pleasant surprise as she asked, “Do you feel unwell anywhere?”
She’d gotten the kiss she wanted, lasting only a few brief seconds. Yu Yan blushed, looking at her awkwardly and bashfully, pursing her lips to savor the lingering sensation.
They returned to China, lived together, and moved into this cozy home. Fu Yunqing held a gift box in her hands and presented it to her. She opened it with great anticipation, revealing a tiny, oblivious black kitten; they held hands by the seaside, quietly watching the sunset beside a bonfire, and admired the ultimate romance in the midst of a howling blizzard; they climbed a snow-capped mountain together. Yu Yan had struggled to breathe in the thin air of the summit, but somehow produced a bright red rose from who-knew-where to give to her, while their guide stood nearby, smiling as he snapped the photo of a lifetime for them.
This happiness left Yu Yan completely dazed. Every single frame was unfamiliar, absent from her memory, yet she felt an incredibly strong sense of belonging to them. She believed without a shadow of a doubt that they belonged to her.
This was the past she had forgotten—the days when they had loved each other.
Suddenly, the colors collapsed. The world before her eyes turned to shades of grey, and an incredibly familiar, nightmare-like, suffocating atmosphere enveloped her. Every cell in her body recoiled, triggering a stress response that left her unable to breathe. She saw her own agonizing self. She looked into Fu Yunqing’s sorrowful, tragic eyes, and heard her broken, desperate pleas to stay.
“Yanyan, don’t go. Stay, please?”
“Yanyan, I’m hurting.”
“Yanyan, I’m begging you…”
The voices gradually grew faint. Fu Yunqing’s figure grew further and further away, looking increasingly lonely, increasingly despondent.
No… don’t break us apart. Yu Yan struggled with all her might, reaching out her hand to grab her, but the scene shifted once more, turning into the three disappointed messages Fu Yunqing had left her.
She vividly remembered how she had felt when she first saw those three messages. Her heart had twisted like a knife, her entire body trembling, so sick with grief that she dry-heaved.
—【She said she would never subject her Fu-jiejie to cold violence, yet she didn’t keep so many of her promises.】
—【She didn’t even want Honey.】
—【.】
Did that period mean Fu Yunqing had completely given up on her?
Their relationship was completely over, and Fu Yunqing and she would have nothing more to do with each other.
No, please, no…
Abruptly, she snapped her eyes open—
Yu Yan startled awake, sitting up in bed, drenched in sweat.
Her eyes were wide as she stared into the quiet, dark expanse of the room. She lifted her hand, pressing it against her forehead in disbelief, gasping for breath.
She…
She remembered everything.
The author has something to say:
Sorry to keep you waiting! Yanyan is very strong after regaining her memories, trust her~
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