On the Wedding Night, I Transmigrated to After the Divorce – Chapter 84
by Little PandaHysteria
Yu Yan, You Are the One Who Drove Me Mad
“—Right now, I find you incredibly terrifying. I don’t dare stay by your side anymore.”
“—Is what you’ve done something a normal person would ever do?”
After saying these words, Yu Yan herself froze.
She knew she was being too sharp, too hurtful. Her heart beat so fast it felt ready to burst from her chest, her body tense as a drawn bowstring. Fu Yunqing stood before her, staring with a deep, dark gaze, not uttering a single word.
She was not sure what Fu Yunqing was looking at; she only felt as if all the sounds in the world had ground to a sudden halt. She and the woman before her were pinned in place, trapped in a dead, frozen silence.
Their rapid breathing sounded like struggling gasps inside an ice cellar. Yu Yan’s nerves were stretched to the limit. The impending collapse of the scene before her filled her with such panic that she wanted to flee. And indeed, she tried to do just that. She was utterly terrified, but the moment she took a step to turn away, Fu Yunqing’s bowstring snapped. Fu Yunqing lunged forward and grabbed her by the wrist. Yu Yan tried to break free, only to be yanked back with force, compelled to look her in the eyes.
“A normal person?”
A self-deprecating laugh curved Fu Yunqing’s eyes, her voice hollow and despairing. “Yanyan, I want to be a normal person too, but how do I do that?”
“Tell me, what should I do?!” A hint of madness, bordering on a complete loss of control, clung to Fu Yunqing. One second she was whispering softly; the next, she suddenly erupted, demanding an answer with desperate force.
Yu Yan shrank back in fear, sensing the imminent breakdown. Fu Yunqing took a deep breath, speaking with an intense, suffocating restraint. “You don’t remember anything. You don’t know anything. Do you think I’ve hidden something bad from you? Do you think I have a guilty conscience, that I am detestable?”
It had to be.
That was exactly what she thought.
And wasn’t that only human nature?
Fu Yunqing had never received her complete trust or her inescapable attachment. Yu Yan still feared that the jiejie she spoke of, the mommy she spoke of, the lover she shared a bed with, would do something terrible to her.
She would feel afraid.
“You don’t remember how we parted, but the truth is, I don’t know either. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how we ended up there. I clearly worked so hard. Why did you insist on leaving? Why did you stop loving me?”
Fu Yunqing wanted to appear less hysterical, but her emotions were overflowing. The harder she tried to restrain them, the more her voice trembled, leaving her looking utterly distressed and pathetic.
“Yu Yan, do you know how I felt? Do you know what was going through my mind the exact moment you told me you didn’t want to be with me anymore, when you told me that being with me made you so unhappy?”
I froze, followed immediately by confusion and pain. The pain I received was endless, something I could never let go of. For a time, I believed it would accompany me for the rest of my life—
“You said you weren’t happy. You said you couldn’t bear it, even though no one had ever asked you to bear a single thing. You said you had made up your mind, that you really couldn’t go on, that you had to leave me. To get away from me, you cast everything aside. You didn’t want me, you didn’t want our cat, you didn’t want any of our assets or memories. You subjected me to cold violence1, avoiding me and refusing to communicate. You wouldn’t face me—you wouldn’t even let our eyes meet—”
“I was a normal person back then! I deeply loved your smile, your vibrancy, and your brilliant vitality. My greatest wish was for you to always be safe and happy. I couldn’t bear to watch you wither away in my hands, so I willingly let you go. I was devastated, but I just wanted you to be happy. I only needed to watch you be happy from afar.”
Her world had permanently turned into an overcast sky, but as long as Yu Yan could still live in a world bathed in bright sunshine, it was worth it.
“But do you know? Do you know what went through my mind on the second night after we got our divorce certificate, when I caught you hugging another woman? Do you know how utterly broken I was when you and that woman left Yuncheng together just five days after our divorce?”
“Only then did I realize that I wasn’t nearly as magnanimous as I had thought! I was going out of my mind. The mere thought that you left me because you fell in love with someone else, that you made such a fuss about divorcing me just so you could be with someone else—it drove me insane!”
Her wrist was squeezed tightly once more. Yu Yan stared straight at her, her pupils trembling.
So… so what Lu Yu had jokingly told her before—that she had cheated2—was actually true?
“I couldn’t understand it. I would lie in bed, tracing over our past memories, but my thoughts would run in endless circles. You’ve told so many people that you loved them. It turns out I was just one of those you grew tired of along the way. I still couldn’t understand it. Were those memories, those promises to be together forever, and every single sincere look you gave me just sweet talk from a temporary infatuation? Just your natural talent for being affectionate?”
“No matter what, I couldn’t make sense of it. I was exhausted to the bone, yet sleep eluded me entirely. But despite how angry I was, despite how much I resented you, I knew in my heart that I was still waiting for you to return. I was pathetic enough to think that you would eventually grow tired of the other person, that you would eventually remember how good things were with me. I thought we were inseparable. You said you were so happy with me, that I was the only one you truly loved, that wherever I was, that was your home… I dreamed of you coming home every single night, but you never contacted me again. For an entire year, not even once.”
“It turns out you really could wipe me completely from your memory…” Fu Yunqing let out a trembling laugh.
“If not for your amnesia, if not for your lack of money, would you have ever turned back to find me? Even if you couldn’t find me, you could always find someone else. You could go to Li Tong, you could go to An Qiu, or you could go to any of those beautiful, wealthy women in your livestream chat. If I hadn’t taken you away that night, if you didn’t have that sense of novelty toward me because of your amnesia, would you have ever returned to my side?” She seemed to be questioning Yu Yan, yet at the same time warning herself.
“That is just the kind of person you are. You have so many choices, your mind is so flighty, and everything about you is filled with uncertainty. Yet, from beginning to end, I have only ever had you. You are the only one I want.” Grieved and defeated, her beautiful eyes misted over with unshed tears. “How could I tell you? How could I ever dare to let you recover your memories? I’m terrified that the moment your memory returns, the very first person you cast aside will be me. Do you understand how that feels? You don’t know anything…”
Yu Yan had known absolutely nothing. All of this had been locked away in the quiet, anxious corners of Fu Yunqing’s mind.
“I was too afraid that you would have a change of heart. I was too afraid of anyone else entering your world. I felt besieged on all sides, constantly on guard. When you wanted to act in An Qiu’s film, I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it rationally. I wanted to be by your side every single second, so I applied to work from home. I wanted to know your every word and action, so I couldn’t stop myself from snooping through your phone. Every interaction you had with others filled me with dread, terrified that our current peace would shatter. So, I couldn’t control myself—I had Dan Lin shadow you. I was terrified that one day, you would suddenly regain your memory and fly far away, so I hid your documents.”
“It’s not normal. None of this is normal! I monitored you, snooped on you, and deceived you. I’m so contemptible, so extreme… I’ve completely lost my mind!” Fu Yunqing’s voice choked. She spoke of these frightening, repulsive deeds with intense agitation. She loathed herself for turning into this kind of person, and she hated that this version of herself terrified and disgusted Yu Yan, driving her to want to escape her side.
Why did it have to be like this? How had things come to this? Fu Yunqing had never wanted any of this.
“But Yu Yan, I really used to be a normal person. I didn’t use to suffer from sleepless nights. I didn’t use to worry constantly about gains and losses. I wasn’t this sensitive or paranoid. I didn’t use to struggle to find a sense of security, or find myself in so much pain that I didn’t even know how to go on.”
It was Yu Yan who had crashed into her heart, leaving behind nothing but a complete mess. It was Yu Yan who had ruined her peaceful life. It was Yu Yan who had turned her into this state that she herself loathed so intensely. Her resentment and bitterness erupted all at once in this very moment. She seized Yu Yan’s hands, ignoring the girl’s cries of pain and her frantic struggles. Losing all reason and balance, her eyes bloodshot, she roared at Yu Yan, “I was driven mad by you a whole year ago! I’ve been losing my mind day and night for an entire year! Yu Yan, you are the one who drove me mad, do you know?!”
Her sharp words seemed to tear something to shreds.
She was furious, but even more desperate. She pressed closer, but the moment she saw the terror flickering in the younger girl’s eyes, her heart plummeted.
An agonizing, bone-crushing pain swept over her. Her head felt heavy and dizzy, yet her mind grew strangely clearer. Dazedly, she released her grip on Yu Yan’s wrists. On the girl’s fair skin, two shocking red squeeze marks had been left behind. The moment she was let go, Yu Yan scrambled backward, trying to distance herself.
—Ah.
A voice in Fu Yunqing’s heart was asking.
—What had she done?
—Why had it turned out like this?
—She had only wanted to keep her by her side, that was all.
Fu Yunqing raised her still-trembling hand and wiped haphazardly at her eyes. It was useless; the torrential tears continued to stream down her face. Pushed to the brink of collapse, she took two staggered steps backward. “Sorry…”
“Sorry…” A choked sob escaped her throat.
She took a deep, shaky breath of the damp air. “Stay at home, don’t go outside, okay?” She was begging.
She knew she was making a futile plea.
With that, she turned around. As if fleeing, she walked quickly toward the door while pulling out her phone to dial a number. It was Dan Lin’s number. She knew full well that doing this would ruin their relationship. She knew it was completely abnormal. Yet, she had no other choice.
She could not bear to lose her again, nor did she know how to find release.
After all, things had already reached this point. There was no going back, was there?
She had already made Yu Yan feel terrified and unable to accept her.
“Dan Lin, come up… watch her,” Fu Yunqing murmured into her phone, her voice trembling. Grasping the door handle, she sagged as if all strength had left her body. But after a brief pause, she forced herself upright, opened the door, and disappeared past the heavy wooden door without looking back.
Yu Yan stood frozen in place, utterly alone.
The heavy slam of the door sounded like a gunshot, bringing the absurd, out-of-control farce to a sudden halt. It left behind an indescribable mess and settling dust. Yu Yan gasped for breath with greater and greater effort, yet she couldn’t seem to draw in any oxygen.
What was going on?
Yu Yan felt a sharp pain in her chest, as if her heart itself were tearing apart. With every violent beat, an agonizing ache ripped through her.
Yu Yan stared wide-eyed, yet she had no idea what she was looking at. In her mind, the scenes from moments ago replayed in rapid succession: Fu Yunqing’s red, tear-filled eyes, her hysterical voice, her helpless sobs, and her crumbling back as she looked about to fall.
Yu Yan suddenly realized that her vision had grown blurry. She blinked, raising a hand to touch her cheek, and felt a wet dampness.
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