On the Wedding Night, I Transmigrated to After the Divorce – Chapter 87
by Little PandaIllness
How did she survive this all on her own?
Fu Yunqing crouched down, reaching out to touch the cold, lacquered surface.
They had once been so intimate and inseparable, agreeing on every important password, knowing them all, and trusting each other completely.
They kept absolutely nothing from each other.
“Of course I haven’t forgotten…” she murmured.
“That’s great, then.”
Standing beside her, Lu Yu quietly stepped back to fade into the background, leaving more space for her and the Yu Yan in her mind.
Fu Yunqing couldn’t wait a second longer. She immediately began entering the passcode. As soon as she finished typing the string of letters, “yyhfyqyyzyq”, the safe let out a beep, and the lock clicked open.
Exhaling a trembling breath, Fu Yunqing quickly opened the lid. Various small, miscellaneous items came into view. With a tense heart, she took them out one by one, setting them gently onto the brown wooden floorboards.
A sealed document envelope, a maroon-red divorce certificate, a small jewelry box, and a thin stack of envelopes.
Fu Yunqing flipped open the divorce certificate. Their photo was printed on it. The scene of that day was still fresh in her mind, and she often dreamed of it.
After an untold number of days enduring Yu Yan’s cold violence1 and watching her remain depressed because of her, she had finally compromised and agreed to divorce her.
She wanted to sign a divorce agreement with her and divide her assets in half, but she hadn’t wanted any of it.
The next morning, the two of them sat together in the back seat of the car, an incomparably heavy, oppressive atmosphere wrapping around them. Yu Yan stared out the window while Fu Yunqing gazed at her profile, countless times wanting to speak to ask her to stay.
Hua Country had no cooling-off period for divorces; once the procedures were complete, there was no room for regret. They stood before the camera to take that photo, devoid of smiles and shadowed only by gloom. The agony of their impending parting was too much to bear, and the words to ask her to stay slipped out in the end.
“Yanyan, don’t go. Stay, okay?”
“Yanyan, I’m so sad.”
“Yanyan, please, I’m begging you…”
Her pleas only made Yu Yan turn her face away. Having received no response for a long, long time, she finally gave up.
The painful memories of back then surged in her heart once more. Time could not dilute them, and perhaps no matter how much time passed, she would never be able to let them go. Fu Yunqing quickly closed the divorce certificate and set it gently aside.
She opened the jewelry box. Resting on the black velvet was a purple jade longevity lock2 of exceptional quality.
A longevity lock was a talisman given to children by their elders, meant to protect them and keep them safe and sound. Yu Yan had never received such a thing from Yu Lan. The car accident in 2023 had left Fu Yunqing with an eternal worry; from then on, her greatest wish was for Yu Yan’s health and safety. She had personally selected the finest raw jade to hand-carve this longevity lock, pouring all of her love for Yu Yan into every stroke.
Yu Yan had loved it deeply, so moved that she had clung to her and cried in her arms for a long time. She had worn it constantly after that. Back then, everyone knew she was a child deeply loved by her elders.
Now, it was hidden away in this box by her.
Fu Yunqing caressed the warm, smooth jade. Forcing down the swell of emotion in her chest, she put it back and opened the sealed document envelope.
She had a powerful premonition that the reason Yu Yan had left her lay inside.
The envelope was torn open quickly yet carefully, and Fu Yunqing pulled out the papers inside. It was a stack, neither too thick nor too thin, which she never expected to be Yu Yan’s medical records. On the diagnosis line, shocking words were written: Anxiety and depressive state.
Fu Yunqing sat dazed.
She froze, clutching the papers, unable to snap out of it for a long time. Her eyes trembled with disbelief as she scrambled to look through the rest—various examination reports, various assessments. Every single date was after their divorce, and the location was Nancheng Mental Hospital.
Nancheng…
She was sick…
She was treating her illness in Nancheng…
With a loud roar in her brain, Fu Yunqing didn’t know how to digest this information. Rigid and agitated, she flipped through the papers haphazardly, certain words repeatedly forcing their way into her sight—
Low mood, hopelessness in life, lack of a sense of deservingness, self-negation, self-loathing, and so on and so forth.
These were her symptoms. Fu Yunqing could not begin to fathom how such feelings could have come from Yu Yan.
—I never betrayed you. I was never with another woman.
Suddenly, Fu Yunqing knit her brows in pain. She had misunderstood—she had misunderstood her. Yanyan hadn’t betrayed her. Yanyan was sick. She was sick…
“Yanyan stayed in Nancheng for seven or eight months,” Lu Yu said, speaking to Fu Yunqing’s crouched back from where she stood leaning against the doorframe. “During that time, I barely had any news of her. She even deleted her Moments, and she didn’t reply to my messages. I only knew that you two divorced, and I was worried that the divorce would be too big of a blow and something might happen to her, so I quit my job to look for her in Nancheng.”
Lu Yu leaned halfway against the doorframe, speaking to Fu Yunqing’s crouched back: “She and I grew up together; we’d only not seen each other for a few years, yet she had completely changed. Although she still smiled at me the first moment I saw her—a very big smile—I always felt it was especially pale.”
Lu Yu let out a sigh: “She became less talkative. You know what kind of person she is—if she saw an odd tree on the road, she’d have a bunch of whimsical ideas, and if she saw a kitten, she’d definitely poke your arm in surprise. But at that time, she mostly kept her head down and remained quiet. She liked to stare blankly and had lost interest in many things. She was a bit numb.”
“I guessed that she might be sick, so I asked if she had gone to see a doctor. She said she had, that she took a lot of medicine and was already mostly recovered, telling me not to worry. When I asked what happened, she wasn’t willing to tell me anything and was quite defensive. Those must have been bad memories, and fearing I might trigger her, I didn’t dare say anything more.”
“Later, we returned to Yuncheng together. I didn’t expect her to be willing to return to this place of heartbreak. She said that after all, it was the place where she grew up, so it felt more familiar. Although she didn’t have money to live in a big house anymore, an old, broken, small3 apartment was fine too. I wasn’t sure if she had the intention of coming back to look for you.”
Come back to find her…
Did Yanyan think about coming back to look for her?
What were in these envelopes?
Forcing down her emotions, Fu Yunqing tore open one of them. Inside was a flower folded out of paper and a pale pink card.
Fu Yunqing immediately understood what this was. This was what they had agreed upon: the flowers they would send to each other and the cards they would write on every single date.
Yanyan was still writing them; she still remembered, still held onto them. But the contents inside made Fu Yunqing incomparably heartbroken—
【What does sending a single period even mean? Are you completely disappointed in me? Okay, I’m sorry. I’m also so disappointed in myself. I don’t deserve your love at all; you should have taken it back long ago. You shouldn’t have… Oh, jiejie, I’m so sad, so sad, so sad. I’m sorry, I’m sorry】
Fu Yunqing’s eyes welled with tears as she tore open another envelope—
【Happy birthday. Because of the things I did, your mood right now must still be very bad. You are such a good person, and it is I who am terrible. I’m sorry, truly sorry. I want you to be happy. It doesn’t matter if I’m not happy; I want to give all my happiness to you. I’m sorry】
【I went to see the doctor. The clinical director said I have depression. I asked her if it can be cured, and she smiled and said, “Of course.” So I really am sick. If I get cured, will it stop hurting so much? If I get cured, can I return to your side? What am I even thinking? I hurt you like that, so how could I have the face to return to your side? You won’t want me anymore. I deserve it. I don’t deserve you】
【I fell asleep after taking my medicine last night and dreamed of you. I dreamed you were still mine, and that you still loved me. I was so happy. But when I woke up and couldn’t find you, my mood sank so low. I miss you so, so much. I couldn’t help but look at our past chat history. Every time I looked, I’d break down. I deleted them all. I steeled my heart and deleted you too, telling myself that you aren’t mine anymore】
【I don’t want to do anything, nor do I want to move at all. I saw a kitten outside the window and thought of Honey. She isn’t mine anymore either. Fortunately, she can still accompany you】
【Today is my birthday. I don’t want to eat cake, and I don’t want to be congratulated. The air is filled with the smell of sadness. I don’t want to breathe】
【Dr. Lin found out I was secretly writing these things and told me to stop. Am I not even allowed to miss you in secret? Well, fine, I won’t write anymore. She won’t let me look at them either, and told me to lock them all in the safe. Actually, it’s quite nice. You are my secret. Just the thought of it feels like happiness】
Her handwriting was very messy, with heavy and light strokes, and frequent crossings-out. She apologized repeatedly and denied herself over and over again.
Every single word was soaked in her pain and her crumbling emotions.
Two teardrops dripped onto the card and quickly soaked through, bleeding the ink of the characters into a blurry mess. Fu Yunqing covered her eyes with her hand, unable to bear it as she bowed her head and curled up, a choked sob escaping her throat.
Why didn’t she tell her? Why did she have to bear her illness all alone? Fu Yunqing hated herself for knowing nothing.
Fu Yunqing hated herself for not even noticing.
While talking about how much she loved her, she didn’t even know she was sick. She hadn’t been by her side when she was in the most pain. She had misunderstood her for so long and resented her for so long, and even gave her a cold shoulder when she came back to find her, hurting her like that and saying those kinds of words to her.
How did Yanyan get through it?
How did she hold on all by herself?
Fu Yunqing didn’t dare to imagine it. Every single frame of imagination brought a piercing pain to her heart.
She tilted her head back to gasp for air, her eyes already blurred as tears streamed down her face.
Her entire face was wet, looking disheveled and unlike herself, sobbing in a total breakdown.
Only after a long time did she finally put down those envelopes. She stood up, staggering a step and almost falling. Supporting herself against the wall, she pulled out her phone and dialed Yu Yan’s number.
Every second of the ringing was agonizing torment. Fu Yunqing prayed countless times in her heart, hoping and having her hopes dashed with every passing second until the call disconnected automatically.
Fu Yunqing of course would not give up. She immediately called again. It hung up automatically, so she called once more, repeating the cycle for nearly ten minutes.
Yu Yan wouldn’t answer; whether it was a regular call or a WeChat video call, she didn’t pick up.
Why didn’t she answer the phone? Where was she going?
Was she blaming her? Was she hiding from her? Did she no longer want to see her? Could she no longer stand her?
Fu Yunqing knew she had hurt her, and she knew that even if Yanyan didn’t want to see her again, it was understandable.
Fu Yunqing felt a wave of deep despair. She turned her face away and tilted her head back to wipe her tears.
Suddenly, her phone vibrated.
She immediately raised it to look, and saw a message from Yu Yan—
Yanyan: 【Sorry! A monkey on the side of the road snatched my phone just now. It took me a long time to get it back】
Yanyan: 【Why are there so many missed calls? Don’t worry, jiejie】
Yanyan: 【smile.jpg】
The author has something to say:
Shh, no making a fuss even if you get cut off. You know your jiejie is already working very hard to write three thousand words a day.
Footnotes
- Leng baoli (cold violence) refers to emotional abuse through silence, withdrawal, and neglect.
- A longevity lock (changmingsuo) is a traditional Chinese ornamental amulet, often in the shape of a lock, gifted to children to pray for their health, safety, and long life.
- Laopoxiao (old, broken, small) is common Chinese slang for older, poorly maintained urban housing.
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