Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 79
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager Refuses
Wan Bi lowered her eyes to glance at Zheng Dayun and said languidly, “Rise! Go brew this bereaved one1 a fresh pot of tea. Make it Mingqian tea2.”
“This slave obeys the decree!” Zheng Dayun, whose knees had long gone numb from kneeling, scrambled up from the floor with overwhelming gratitude. He set the ledger aside, rolled up his sleeves, and headed to the tea room next to the main hall.
As soon as Zheng Dayun left, Wan Bi trotted over to pick up the ledger and flip through it. The pages bore marks of crossing out and revision; it wasn’t the final copy. It would still need to be proofread and transcribed before being presented to the Emperor. Wan Bi had originally planned to use Zheng Dayun’s absence to take a brush and add a few non-existent items to the Zhu family’s inventory. When the ledger reached His Majesty and the confiscated goods didn’t match the record, Zheng Dayun would either have to figure out a way to make up the missing items himself, or just wait to be punished!
Wan Bi rarely had to expend this much effort to deal with someone. Usually, it only took a single sentence.
The problem was that this time was different. She was currently outside the palace, and she hadn’t brought many people with her. A cornered dog would jump a wall3! If she issued a decree to punish this eunuch too harshly, he might throw caution to the wind and fight her to the death, and she would be the one to suffer the loss. She would mete out a minor punishment outside the palace first, and deal with him properly once they returned.
The Zhu family’s confiscated goods had all been registered, and the revision marks on the ledger indicated that they had already been cross-checked. To create a discrepancy between the items and the record, she either had to add things to the ledger or find a way to make the actual items disappear. Since she couldn’t doctor the ledger, Wan Bi could only set her sights on the goods themselves.
Zheng Dayun had not yet returned from the tea room. Being unfamiliar with the place, it took him ages just to find the tea leaves. He didn’t dare use the water that had been boiling in the tea room all day, either; tea for Her Majesty the Empress Dowager had to be brewed with fresh water and fresh leaves. Having followed Tang Huaili around all these years, Zheng Dayun was quite adept at reading people’s expressions. He knew the Empress Dowager found him an eyesore. If he made even the slightest mistake while serving her now, she would absolutely seize the opportunity to lash out at him.
Back in the main hall, Wan Bi closed Zheng Dayun’s ledger, walked back to the seat of honor, and sat up perfectly straight. She lowered her voice and instructed Yao Xi, “In a moment, this bereaved one will ask to see the Zhu family’s confiscated items. Look sharp, and take the opportunity to steal some things. Steal as much as you can!”
Yao Xi raised a hand to wipe the cold sweat from the tip of her nose, asking in bewilderment, “Your Majesty wants this slave to steal from the Lord State Uncle’s Residence?”
Her Majesty must be crazy! The items here were all destined for the National Treasury. No matter how much she lacked money or lusted after wealth, she wouldn’t dare scheme after these things! As if frightened, Yao Xi suddenly felt a bit cold. She hugged her shoulders and gave a slight shiver.
Zheng Dayun could walk in with the tea at any moment. Wan Bi nodded. “If the matter is exposed, this bereaved one will take the fall. If it succeeds, whatever you steal will be considered this bereaved one’s reward to you.”
If anything happened, Her Majesty would take the fall? However much she stole would be entirely hers? Yao Xi’s eyes lit up. You can never have too much money!
But she was also worried this was a new pit the Empress Dowager had dug for her. Now that she thought about it carefully, the way Her Majesty had made her get out of the carriage to negotiate with the guards at the entrance of the alley reeked strongly of a trap. She only hoped she was overthinking things.
However, she truly felt that if she had tried to flee just now, Her Majesty very likely would have pulled out her hand gun and finished her off from a distance. Yao Xi didn’t know the range of a hand gun4, but having been pushed to the ground by her last night, she had seen with her own eyes just how accurate Her Majesty’s marksmanship was.
Yao Xi hurriedly shook her head. She wouldn’t do this kind of life-threatening thing.
Wan Bi was nearly infuriated to death by Yao Xi. Defying decrees had practically become a daily routine for her. She must have committed too many sins in her life, and the heavens, unwilling to take her up and let her wreak havoc in the sky, had sent this disobedient Yao Xi to torment her instead.
And yet, her heart still ached that Yao Xi had been bullied and wronged, and she was expending all this effort trying to help her vent her frustrations.
“If I tell you to steal, then steal. Cut the nonsense!” Wan Bi glared fiercely at Yao Xi. Seeing her shivering in terror, her heart softened a bit. “Forget it. Seeing you cower like this, this bereaved one wouldn’t dare expect anything from you anyway.”
Once she returned to the palace, she would have plenty of ways to deal with Zheng Dayun. There was no need to rush it now.
Yao Xi didn’t hear clearly what the Empress Dowager said. She reached up to touch her forehead—she was sweating profusely, yet her body was trembling with cold.
“What’s wrong with you?” Wan Bi asked, noticing that Yao Xi’s complexion looked rather awful. She initially thought the child had been frightened by the order to steal, but even after she changed her mind, Yao Xi’s expression didn’t improve—in fact, it was looking worse and worse.
“This slave is fine,” Yao Xi said, forcing herself to rally her spirits. But the moment the words left her mouth, she closed her eyes and collapsed toward the floor.
With quick eyes and swift hands, Wan Bi took a long stride to the right, throwing her arms open to catch Yao Xi just as she nearly tumbled from the chair to the ground. “Yao Xi?” she called out, but received no response.
Seeing Yao Xi faint once again, Wan Bi’s heart tightened with anxiety.
She wanted to check if Yao Xi had a fever, but her hand paused just before touching the girl’s forehead—it was covered in beads of sweat. Although Wan Bi liked Yao Xi, she was still as fastidious as ever. She supported Yao Xi into a seated position on the chair, pulled out a handkerchief to thoroughly wipe away the sweat, and only then placed her palm against her forehead.
It wasn’t hot. But it was frighteningly cold.
At that moment, Zheng Dayun returned carrying the tea tray. As soon as he entered, he spotted Yao Xi unconscious in the chair. Even though he knew Yao Xi was already the Empress Dowager’s person, Zheng Dayun couldn’t help but worry. Perhaps because she was someone he could constantly seek but never obtain, he harbored a rare and enduring infatuation for Yao Xi.
“This slave will carry Eunuch Yao out on his back,” Zheng Dayun said anxiously, setting the tea tray down on a tall-legged table. Aside from the unconscious Yao Xi, only he and Her Majesty were in the room. It certainly wouldn’t be the Empress Dowager carrying Yao Xi back to the carriage, would it?
“Do you think you are fit to touch this bereaved one’s person?” Wan Bi glared at Zheng Dayun, her words laden with hidden meaning.
With that, she shoved the ledger into Yao Xi’s arms. Feigning effortless ease, she scooped Yao Xi up horizontally, left the main hall, and headed for the front gate.
This little wench Yao Xi looks so small and skinny, how is she this heavy? Last night in the palace, when she had held her, she hadn’t felt this weighty at all! Had Yao Xi eaten too much for lunch? Wan Bi gritted her teeth, straightened her back, and struggled toward the carriage with Yao Xi in her arms.
Even if she didn’t want Zheng Dayun to touch Yao Xi, she could have just ordered two of the Zhu residence’s maidservants to carry her out. But in that split second when Zheng Dayun anxiously offered to carry Yao Xi on his back, she had simply wanted to pull Yao Xi into her own arms and tell everyone that this person was hers, and no one else was allowed to touch her.
She hadn’t gone two steps before she regretted it. I was too impulsive just now!
But she had already picked her up, and Zheng Dayun was watching from right behind her. If she set Yao Xi down halfway and ordered someone else to help now, she would lose a great deal of face.
Zheng Dayun followed behind the Empress Dowager, practically bowing down in admiration for Her Majesty. The Empress Dowager appeared fragile and delicate, yet he never expected her arm strength to be so profound. Not only had she scooped up Yao Xi with the utmost ease, she wasn’t even panting as she walked!
In reality, Wan Bi’s vision was swimming from the sheer exhaustion, but driven by her pride, she gritted her teeth and stubbornly carried the burden all the way to the carriage parked at the entrance. The palace maid dressed as a maidservant hurriedly brought over a footstool and lifted the curtain, assisting Her Majesty into the vehicle. Wan Bi gently sat down with Yao Xi in her arms, so tired she had to cling to the carriage wall, panting like a dog.
Wan Bi had truly never done anything so physically demanding in her entire life! Nor had she ever been in such a sorry state!
But Her Majesty was a woman who maintained appearances. She might be panting like a dog behind closed doors, but in front of others, her domineering aura remained undiminished. She evened out her breathing, lifted the curtain, and spoke coldly to Zheng Dayun, who had come out to respectfully see her off. “Go back inside. Don’t delay your duties.”
With that, she dropped the curtain and ordered the eunuch driving the carriage, “Return to the palace! At full speed.” She then instructed the palace maid, “Yu’er, the moment we enter the imperial city, go immediately to the Imperial Medical Bureau and request Imperial Physician Fu to enter the palace.”
“This slave-girl obeys the decree,” the palace maid replied through the curtain from her seat at the front of the carriage.
After giving her orders, Wan Bi looked down at Yao Xi in her arms, whose eyes were tightly shut and face perfectly serene. She couldn’t hear the sound of Yao Xi’s breathing, nor could she see any trace of her chest rising and falling. Suddenly, she felt terribly afraid—afraid that Yao Xi hadn’t fainted, but rather… had died. Tensely, she grasped Yao Xi’s hand and pressed her fingertips against her wrist. Her pulse was still beating, but it was incredibly, incredibly weak.
It was actually all her fault that Yao Xi had ended up like this.
She was the one who had pushed her down last night, causing her to fall. She was the one who had provoked her today, driving her to the well to douse herself with cold water. But the most inexcusable part was that, knowing full well Yao Xi had caught a chill, she had still dragged her out of the palace to watch the spectacle. In the end, Zhu Xiangchang’s assets had disappointed her, and she had been utterly repulsed by that eunuch named Zheng Dayun. Not only had she failed to find any amusement whatsoever, she had aggravated Yao Xi’s illness.
Wan Bi gently stroked Yao Xi’s icy little face and murmured, “You said you would serve this bereaved one for a lifetime. If you dare die just like this, this bereaved one will bury you in the ruins of Jingling Palace and let those ghost consorts frighten you every single day.”
Seeing Yao Xi utterly lifeless without the slightest reaction, a wave of sudden, unspeakable sorrow crashed over Wan Bi. The carriage raced along rapidly, violently jolting the cabin.
Wan Bi protected Yao Xi tightly in her embrace. Resting her chin against the girl’s freezing forehead, she whispered, “This bereaved one has already lost too many people I care about. I cannot lose you, too…”
Despite his advanced age, Fu Wenqing practically sprinted toward the Empress Dowager’s temporary residence after alighting from his palanquin outside the gates of Longyi Palace.
Saving a life was the highest priority. After a palace maid led him into the sleeping chamber, the Imperial Physician didn’t even stop to bow to Her Majesty, rushing straight to the bed to examine Yao Xi.
The last time, when he believed Yao Xi was a eunuch, he had taken her pulse directly. Now that he knew she was a young lady, he draped a handkerchief over her wrist before checking her pulse.
“How has her illness become so severe…” Fu Wenqing frowned. He had only just come to the palace to examine her last night, and she clearly hadn’t been in any serious danger then!
Standing to the side, Wan Bi explained, “This child poured several buckets of cold well water over herself. Perhaps she also caught some wind when we left the palace?”
“Alas!” Fu Wenqing sighed. “Miss Yao is far too careless with her own body. Fortunately, Your Majesty summoned this humble subject5 into the palace in time. This is an acute illness; it cannot be delayed for even a moment.”
With that, he opened his medical box and began applying acupuncture needles to the crown of Yao Xi’s head.
Watching those long, slender needles plunge into Yao Xi’s head one after another, Wan Bi felt a squeezing ache in her chest. She bit her lip until it turned white.
Once all the needles were placed, they had to remain for at least a quarter of an hour before being withdrawn. Fu Wenqing used this interval to instruct the Empress Dowager.
“Miss Yao is suffering from cold attacking the heart. From now on, in addition to her daily qi-supplementing blood-enriching porridge, she will also need to drink aconite soup6 to regulate her condition. She should wake up within a few shichen after this humble subject’s acupuncture. When Miss Yao wakes, please order someone to rub this bottle of medicinal wine onto her abdomen once in the morning and once at night. When applying the wine, the palm must be pressed firmly until warmth is generated; only then should they stop.”
“This bereaved one has memorized it.” Wan Bi accepted the medicinal wine, asking with heartache, “Can the needles in her head not be pulled out yet?”
Fu Wenqing shook his head.
“Right. This child was drugged with knock-out drops twice in the past, and her brain was damaged by the medicine. Is there a way to treat it?” Wan Bi asked earnestly.
Fu Wenqing shook his head once more and said, “There is nothing wrong with Miss Yao’s brain.”
After removing the needles, Fu Wenqing took his leave. Yao Xi was still asleep, and Wan Bi’s thoughts suddenly returned to the matter of Zheng Dayun.
She stepped out of the sleeping chamber and asked a palace maid who had served her for many years, “If this bereaved one recalls correctly, Commander Cao Yue of the Embroidered Uniform Guard is fond of male romance7?”
The palace maid was completely bewildered. “He is…”
That Zheng Dayun had the lust-fueled audacity to pin Yao Xi down beneath him, so she would have Zheng Dayun pinned down beneath someone else. “Transmit this bereaved one’s secret decree: have Cao Yue deal with that Zheng Dayun!” Afraid the palace maid was too innocent to understand what she meant by ‘deal with’, Wan Bi added, “Have Cao Yue sleep with Zheng Dayun.”
The palace maid’s mouth fell open in sheer terror. After all, unlike Gugu Yuanqian, she hadn’t had her absolute limits repeatedly redefined by Her Majesty’s bizarre and outrageous demands.
“This slave-girl obeys the decree.” Not daring to ask any further questions, the palace maid hurried out, her face flushed red with embarrassment.
Footnotes
- This bereaved one (āijiā) is a self-referential pronoun used by widowed empresses.
- Míngqián tea is a premium green tea made from the very first leaves harvested before the Qingming Festival in early spring.
- A Chinese idiom (gǒu jí le hái tiào qiáng) meaning that even a timid creature will fight back desperately when cornered.
- A shǒuchòng is an early Chinese hand cannon or multi-barrel matchlock firearm.
- This humble subject (wēichén) is a deferential self-referential term used by court officials when speaking to the Emperor or Empress Dowager.
- Aconite soup (wūtóu tāng) is a traditional medicinal decoction used to dispel internal cold and relieve severe pain.
- A traditional Chinese euphemism for male homosexuality or attraction to men. Historically used to describe men who preferred male companions.
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