Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 59
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
Gugu Yuanqian was not there. This time, Yao Xi finally did not have to match the Empress Dowager drink for drink with a large bowl.
But she had already downed three cups, and the Empress Dowager’s cup had not been touched. If she remembered correctly, the Empress Dowager’s original words had been: “After finishing the accounts, come drink two cups with this bereaved one!”
Since it was “drink with you,” then you should actually drink!
And the agreement was two cups. Not one more, not one less. She had already drunk three.
Yao Xi grumbled internally as she slowed her drinking pace. She dared not drink too fast. Quick drinking went straight to the head, and the drinker never noticed until the dizziness hit. Last time, if that Sichuan peppercorn hadn’t startled her sober, and then the assassin had arrived, who knew what she might have done in front of the Empress Dowager?
What she feared most was getting drunk, feeling suffocated by her chest-bindings, and following some primal instinct to reach into her clothes and rummage around — and then came the moment of magic!
White cloth strips would pour endlessly from her chest, and for the grand finale — ding ding ding — out would pop a pair of big white rabbits. The perfect finishing touch! Like white doves emerging from a magician’s hat.
It sounded absurd, but who knew what impossible things might happen when you were drunk?
Yao Xi planned to drag things out with the Empress Dowager for a while, then pretend to be drunk, flop onto the table, and sleep. Once Her Highness called someone in to carry her back to her room, she would have survived this ordeal.
“Why aren’t you drinking? Is the wine too weak, not to your taste?” Wan Bi saw Yao Xi stop after three cups and urged her on.
Yao Xi was shocked. Too weak? It was exactly the same as last time at Ning’an Palace! Grain spirits mixed with pure alcohol!
From the Empress Dowager’s tone, if she couldn’t perform the appearance of drinking heartily, there was stronger wine waiting. Terrified, Yao Xi picked up her cup and took another gulp, acting as she drank.
She had to seem naturally drunk. Start by fumbling the cup, then rambling incoherently, gradually slumping onto the table, and finally closing her eyes to sleep. Her breathing had to sound heavy, her limbs loose. Once someone carried her back to her room, freedom!
Yao Xi rehearsed the sequence in her mind. Satisfied, she let go. Her empty cup toppled onto the table and rolled in a circle.
Next step: talk nonsense. The more incoherent, the more convincing.
“You know the Cold Palace is haunted, right?” Yao Xi pressed two fingers to the table, setting up her storytelling pose. “Don’t believe me? It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes. Hic—” She added a perfectly timed belch that brought the whole performance to life.
You? Already drunk? Wan Bi wasn’t sure. She sat opposite Yao Xi, watching quietly. Her heart was already in her throat, nervous and eager about what she was about to do.
“That night at Jingling Palace, it was crawling with ghosts!” Yao Xi began sliding down toward the table.
Good. A few more mumbles and she’d be asleep. She lowered her voice and mumbled, “Luckily I fought them all off, ten at once, or I would’ve died in there…”
Wan Bi laughed to herself. Crawling with ghosts? There had only been two — one in the wardrobe and one in the old locust tree. She had originally planned to put a black cat in the wardrobe, but couldn’t find one in time, so she stuffed in a pomelo and a ghost made from white cloth. Fought ten at once? What a boast. Did this bereaved one not hear you wailing like a ghost yourself?
Yao Xi’s head rested on the table, both arms hanging limp. Her breathing grew heavier, punctuated by occasional soft hums that sounded lazy and made Wan Bi’s ears tingle, as if a cat were gently scratching them.
“Little Yaozi?” Wan Bi called. Yao Xi slept on, making no response.
“Eunuch Yao?” Wan Bi called again. Yao Xi still ignored her.
Truly asleep? Wan Bi rose and walked behind Yao Xi, poking her arm with one finger.
Yao Xi could hear the Empress Dowager’s footsteps approaching, could feel her finger poke. She couldn’t wake up. If she woke, Her Highness might keep pouring drinks. And if her awakening seemed unnatural, she’d be caught faking.
By now it was late at night. Wan Bi had ordered no one to enter. The empty hall was deathly silent, broken only by Yao Xi’s breathing and her own racing heartbeat. Wan Bi stood behind Yao Xi, pressing a hand to her chest to steady herself, staring at the blue trousers on Yao Xi’s body. Just looking at those trousers made her blush.
At this point, Wan Bi hesitated.
Pull down a eunuch’s trousers to look at… that place? This wasn’t just improper. It was perverse.
Fortunately, in her life there had never been a question of whether she should do something — only whether she wanted to. Did she want to pull down Yao Xi’s trousers? Yes!
Once she made up her mind, new worries surfaced.
Taking off the trousers and putting them back on afterward — that was no small movement. What if halfway through, the little castrated donkey woke up? If he suddenly opened his eyes, bare-bottomed, and locked eyes with her, that would be too awkward.
The little castrated donkey would definitely ask in shock: “Your Highness, what are you doing?”
What could she say? Pretend to be calm and say: “Nothing. This bereaved one was just looking.”
The little castrated donkey would think she was a pervert!
Before acting, she had to test how deeply the little castrated donkey was asleep. Would touch wake him?
Wan Bi glanced around the hall. Her eyes landed on a small wooden mallet beside the wooden fish on the incense table. She didn’t believe in Buddhist gods; the wooden fish had been in Longyi Palace to begin with. Wan Bi picked up the mallet, stood behind Yao Xi, and tapped her head once, then bent to see if there was any reaction.
Yao Xi didn’t move, but her mind was full of question marks. What was happening? Why was the Empress Dowager hitting her head?
Seeing no response, Wan Bi knocked several more times with increasing force. If this didn’t wake him, the little castrated donkey was truly dead asleep, and she could safely investigate.
Yao Xi’s question marks all turned into profanity. Empress Dowager, do you have something wrong with you? Who hits a drunk person’s head like a wooden fish? Or are you picking out a watermelon? Knock-knock, listen to the sound, see if this big head is ripe?
Her Highness was hitting hard. Yao Xi gritted her teeth against the pain. Should she just wake up? If she kept faking, who knew what the Empress Dowager would do to her! Yao Xi was rehearsing her waking performance when the Empress Dowager behind her made another move.
Yao Xi felt two arms slip under her armpits, dragging her from the chair onto the floor.
This sudden movement interrupted Yao Xi’s acting train of thought. What was Her Highness doing now? Sitting and playing with her wasn’t enough, now she had to play with her lying down?
Yao Xi decided to wake up. She couldn’t play this game. When you closed your eyes pretending to sleep while a mercurial Empress Dowager treated you like a doll, the feeling was terrifying, completely insecure. She even suspected Her Highness might have a fetish for corpses — not actual corpses, but people who were unconscious or deeply asleep.
Yao Xi secretly opened her eyes, preparing to wake at the right moment, and saw something even stranger…
The Empress Dowager was sitting on the floor, hugging her knees, staring blankly at her… stomach? Crotch?
What was going on?! What was Her Highness planning, staring there like that?
Afraid of being caught, she quickly closed her eyes, but her unease grew. The moment Her Highness touched her, she would wake immediately. But how? Yawn? Roll over?
Wan Bi hesitated again.
The little castrated donkey was truly dead asleep. Now all she had to do was undo his trousers and take a look. Whether she could accept his body or not, she’d know once she saw.
But suddenly, she was afraid to look. Not because Yao Xi might wake, and not because the act was too shameful. She worried: what if she really couldn’t accept it? Once she saw, she couldn’t unsee it. Every time she saw the little castrated donkey afterward, she’d remember that horrible wound. Forget sharing his bed — she probably wouldn’t even feel comfortable holding his hand again.
Did what it looked like down there really matter? The little castrated donkey was a eunuch. He couldn’t actually do those things with her. What she wanted, he could give her whether she looked or not. So wasn’t it better not to look? Since she didn’t know what a eunuch looked like down there, ignorance meant no fear.
Wan Bi’s gaze shifted to Yao Xi’s face. The little castrated donkey looked lovely when he was asleep. Looking at his face was enough — why ask for trouble? She stood and looked down at Yao Xi, making her decision.
Tomorrow she’d let the Emperor know. She’d go to Ning’an Palace’s storeroom herself and pick out some rewards for the little castrated donkey. That would make it official — she was taking him as her male favorite. A eunuch wasn’t a real man; there weren’t so many restrictions. She could keep him right here in the palace.
The little castrated donkey had even used the Yimeng fragrance1. His desire to be her favored companion was obvious. She might as well grant his wish! Wan Bi smiled down at the figure on the floor.
She wondered how happy the little castrated donkey would be tomorrow when he got what he wanted.
“Someone come! Help Yao Xi back to the duty room.”
Yao Xi heard Her Highness call for someone to carry her back to the duty room and finally exhaled, completely unaware of the terrible decision the Empress Dowager had just made.
Yao Shuanglan came to Longyi Palace to thank her for what happened that morning.
“Doesn’t Imperial Brother need you? You’ve been coming frequently these past two days.” Longyi was still angry about the matter with Noble Lady Lan and Yao Xi and made no effort to hide it.
Yao Shuanglan sat close to Longyi and spoke softly. “You’ll return to your fief soon, won’t you? I thought our days to meet are growing fewer, so I should come when I can. About this morning — thank you.”
“You’re here to see me or someone else, you know in your heart.” Longyi’s face was cold. “I don’t remember the Noble Lady caring so much about me. Before, you could ignore me at the drop of a hat. What a coincidence — after the Empress Dowager brought Yao Xi here, suddenly you love visiting. I advise you to maintain some boundaries. I covered for you this time; next time, I may not.”
“Longyi, stop drinking.” Yao Shuanglan spoke seriously. If Longyi didn’t stop drinking, she wouldn’t dare tell her about her brother. If people found out her brother hadn’t gone to the Southern Frontier but was in the palace, that was defying an imperial edict! It would cost them their heads!
“Alcohol and you — I can only quit one. You choose for me.” Longyi gazed steadily at Noble Lady Lan, eyes glistening. If she didn’t yearn for this person day and night, would she need to numb herself with wine?
Yao Shuanglan looked back at Longyi, and her nose stung. “You still won’t give up?”
“If you give me a nephew or niece, I’ll give up immediately.” Longyi turned her face away and secretly wiped away the tear that had fallen. As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. She feared Noble Lady Lan would be angry and actually agree to share the Emperor’s bed. She cared so much, missed her so much — so why did she always say provoking things whenever they met?
“All right. Stop drinking then.” Yao Shuanglan answered quietly.
Longyi was stunned for a long moment. She wanted to be sure she hadn’t misunderstood. Watching the blush slowly rise on Noble Lady Lan’s face, Longyi smiled through her tears. “You chose this yourself. I didn’t force you.”
“Mm.” Yao Shuanglan nodded gently. She had left the Cold Palace to find her brother. Now that her brother was found, as long as she could get him out of the palace, she could rest easy. After her brother left, she would devote herself to finding whoever framed the Yao family. That was a thorny path. She could die at any moment.
When people faced death, they realized what mattered most to them.
Her father. Her mother. Her brother. And Longyi.
Longyi felt as though she had finally seen the moon after years of clouds. She rose, walked to Noble Lady Lan, cradled her face, and kissed her with tender care.
This kiss lasted a long time, passionate and deep. Several times Yao Shuanglan thought she might not catch her breath. One of Longyi’s arms held her waist, the other cupped her breast, and her breathing grew ragged. Yao Shuanglan forced herself to gently push Longyi away and wiped the tears from her face.
“The palace walls have ears. Some things we cannot do. Knowing my heart is enough.”
“All right.” Longyi restrained herself. She had to think of Noble Lady Lan’s safety and the Yao family’s survival. “Why did you suddenly change your mind? And what’s going on with Yao Xi?”
“He’s my brother, Yao Xian.” Yao Shuanglan adjusted her clothes and explained everything to Longyi — the cause and effect of it all. Her brother entering the palace as a eunuch had been a wake-up call for her. Her father had offended too many people, but when it came to eunuchs her father had offended, it had to be Meng Delai, the Director of the Eastern Depot.
Meng Delai’s son, Meng Guangshen, had died. The Meng family line had ended.
Her brother had entered the palace as a eunuch. The Yao family line had ended too.
At least she knew where to start investigating.
“Yao Xi is Yao Xian? I remember your brother came to the palace to play when he was young. His features do look similar, though his appearance has changed a lot.” Longyi suddenly remembered the gift she had given Yao Xi and lowered her head guiltily. “That… do you mind if your brother becomes the Empress Dowager’s favored one…?”
“What?” Yao Shuanglan couldn’t believe her ears.
“I gave Yao Xi a box of Yimeng fragrance to give to the Empress Dowager. The scent is strong and rich — whether he gave it or not, just opening it would make it cling to his body. You know how in the palace, when eunuchs and maids form duishi partnerships, many don’t want to announce it, so those who are looking will carry this fragrance…” Longyi lowered her head like a sinner, not daring to look at Noble Lady Lan. “The Empress Dowager might have taken the hint. You know she values your brother, and he’s quite handsome, so perhaps…”
“Are you crazy?” Yao Shuanglan stood up anxiously. “I was planning to find a way to get my brother out of the palace. If the Empress Dowager really takes him, how could she ever let him leave? A-Xian was already pitiful enough, tricked into the palace and castrated by villains, and now you’re pushing him into the Empress Dowager’s arms? Do you not know what kind of person she is?”
This was the first time Longyi had seen the normally slow-moving Noble Lady Lan this agitated. Afraid she’d be angry and ignore her again, Longyi quickly said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I thought you had feelings for him… Don’t worry, I’ll help you get your brother out. And although Wan Bi is ruthless, sharp-tongued, and wicked, she’s never done anything to wrong the Late Emperor.” Longyi pulled Noble Lady Lan into her arms, truly afraid she’d just found love only to lose it again.
Thanks for today’s update. I’m happy that Lady Lan has cleared the misunderstanding about Yao Xi with the princess.