Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 49
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
Wan Bi remained silent the entire way back.
She was making worst-case preparations. If this Noble Lady Lan was no pushover and one day directly opposed her, what were her odds of winning?
Tang Huaili was Yuanqian’s lover; logically, he should lean toward Ning’an Palace. But Tang Huaili seemed to have a past connection with Yao Hezheng and was sufficiently loyal to the Emperor, so he could be considered neutral! Meng Delai of the Eastern Depot and Yao Hezheng were bitter enemies; whether he would help Ning’an Palace was hard to say, but he absolutely would not help Yao Shuanglan. As for the civil and military officials, she held the leverage on most of them…
At the thought of that King of Hell’s ledger, Wan Bi’s heart settled.
The winning hand was still hers.
She was the type who neither stirred up trouble nor feared it. As long as her own mind was at peace, she had no desire to live in groundless anxiety over a minor Noble Lady. Whether the Yao woman was a demon or a monster, time would tell! That she, Wan Bi, had stood tall and unfallen in the inner palace for ten years did not rely solely on two emperors.
Although Yao Xi hadn’t served by the Empress Dowager’s side for long, she also noticed Her Majesty’s unusual mood. On the way back to the palace, Her Majesty, who usually chattered non-stop, suddenly went silent, lost in who-knew-what thoughts. The scariest part was that she wasn’t watching her step and nearly tripped over the stairs several times; thankfully, Yao Xi had caught her in time.
“Careful of your step, Your Majesty. The path here is a bit uneven.” Yao Xi served attentively, keeping her head bowed and her complete focus on the ground—specifically staring at the Empress Dowager’s feet, terrified Her Majesty would carelessly trip over something again.
“Little Yaozi. What do you think of that Noble Lady Lan? This bereaved one noticed you seemed to be having a good chat with her outside the dining hall.” Wan Bi wasn’t worried that Yao Xi would harbor any inappropriate thoughts about Noble Lady Lan; rather, she worried her own view of the Noble Lady might be biased. How many mothers-in-law ever found their daughters-in-law pleasing to the eye? Not to mention this daughter-in-law’s mind clearly wasn’t on her son at all—she blatantly had other motives.
Yao Xi actually had a rather good impression of Noble Lady Lan. She seemed like a kind and amiable master. Back when Yao Xi was still working in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, she had heard many things about Noble Lady Lan. Everyone said she was a rare, good master in the palace, treating her subordinates extremely well, never fighting or scheming—it was just a pity she had been thrown into the Cold Palace.
“When this slave was at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, people said Noble Lady Lan was gentle and approachable,” Yao Xi replied honestly. “Seeing her today at Qianqing Palace, she truly is just like the rumors said—beautiful and amiable.”
“Mhm.” Wan Bi was noncommittal. “Then when you were at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, what did those people say about this bereaved one?”
Yao Xi froze. Another fatal trap of a question1!
Sigh! Your Majesty, it’s not like you don’t already know in your heart. Why ask for punishment?
“We slaves only dare to boldly gossip about the minor masters. How would we ever dare to recklessly discuss Your Majesty the Empress Dowager?” Yao Xi desperately wanted to leave the imperial palace right this second. Living in such constant fear and trepidation by Her Majesty’s side was too exhausting. One wrong sentence would bring a fatal disaster!
After speaking, Yao Xi sneakily peeked up, wanting to see if the Empress Dowager was angry.
Hearing Yao Xi’s answer, Wan Bi was also glancing back at her, her face full of disbelief.
Their lines of sight met.
This time, Yao Xi didn’t hide. She didn’t immediately lower her head or avert her gaze. For the first time, she saw the Empress Dowager’s face clearly and in meticulous detail…
When Yao Xi had first transmigrated over and looked in the mirror for the first time—no, to be exact, when she first saw her reflection in the water—she had been fiercely stunned by the original owner Sun Xibao’s beauty. Sun Xibao and Sun Ergou were siblings; logically, even if there was a gap in their looks, there should be some similarities. But Sun Xibao and Sun Ergou didn’t share a single shred of resemblance. Sun Xibao’s face possessed a beauty so out of place in that poor, remote village.
It had been a few years since she crossed over, yet even now, when Yao Xi occasionally looked in a mirror, she would still be stunned by her own beauty. It sounded quite shameful to admit, but it wasn’t an exaggeration at all. Her memory of herself was still her ordinary pre-transmigration appearance. Perhaps it was because she didn’t have many chances to look in a mirror since coming here, or perhaps not enough time had passed? To this day, she still hadn’t completely integrated her own soul with Sun Xibao’s physical body.
The point of saying all this was simply this: after Yao Xi got a clear look at the Empress Dowager’s features, her level of stunned amazement was a long string of plus signs greater than when she had first seen Sun Xibao’s face. Her Majesty belonged to the type who appeared merely delicate and pretty at a rough glance, but grew increasingly stunning the more one looked.
Yao Xi couldn’t tear her eyes away. A crazy thought even sprang into her mind: Even if I am sentenced to death just for taking this look at Her Majesty, it would be worth it!
“Are there fallen petals on this bereaved one’s head again?” Wan Bi was already used to Yao Xi’s dazed, infatuated expression when looking at her.
Yao Xi snapped back to reality and shyly lowered her head. “Answering Your Majesty, no.”
“Then what are you looking at?” Wan Bi deliberately teased her.
How could Yao Xi dare to say she was so intoxicated by Her Majesty’s beauty she couldn’t extricate herself? She could only lie. “This slave wasn’t looking at anything, I just spaced out for a moment. Please forgive my offense, Your Majesty.”
Wan Bi couldn’t be bothered to expose the lie. The little castrated donkey’s ears were entirely red; he had thin skin. If she pointed it out and he grew so ashamed he wanted to die, it would ruin the fun. The little castrated donkey had a very fragile heart and couldn’t bear the slightest grievance; if she wasn’t careful, he’d get suicidal thoughts and completely wither away.
Upon returning to the palace across the stream, Wan Bi was served by the palace maids as she changed her clothes, then sat on the couch, bored out of her mind.
Yao Xi sat on a small stool on the floor, guarding a low table as she shelled walnuts for the Empress Dowager. The shelled walnut meats were placed into a small dish in front of her; once she accumulated half a dish, she would present it to Her Majesty.
“This bereaved one saw you hugging two books when you returned from the Bureau of Imperial Gardens this morning?” Wan Bi picked up a piece of walnut meat, took a small bite, and asked, “What books are you reading?”
It was rare for the little castrated donkey to have a desire to learn. Wan Bi figured since his handwriting was so ugly, and she was bored anyway, she might as well teach him a bit. It would be useful for him when keeping accounts and running errands for her in the future. She just didn’t know how many books the little castrated donkey had read or how many characters he recognized, so this was the perfect opportunity to find out.
Yao Xi panicked. How were those two books anything proper? They were just script-books she had dug up from a used book stall, filled with nothing but romance and love affairs. Although they didn’t have any explicit smutty descriptions2, they would definitely be considered banned books in this dynasty. She had bought them to read as romance novels. Working night shifts at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens was incredibly boring; without something to read, who could endure the dry, sleepless hours?
Yao Xi didn’t dare lie. What if Her Majesty told her to bring the books over? The duty room wasn’t far from Her Majesty’s sleeping quarters at all—just a couple of steps away. But she didn’t quite dare tell the truth either. Those two script-books might seem pretty clean and tame by modern standards, but the ancients might not think so. When it came to defining smut, as a seasoned veteran3, Yao Xi had good reason to suspect that she and the people of this era were definitely not on the same wavelength.
“This slave bought them just for fun, they aren’t any proper books.” Yao Xi prayed in her heart: Please don’t let the Empress Dowager ask me to bring them over, please don’t. If Her Majesty thinks the content is too explicit and deems my mind filthy, and kills me in a fit of rage, I’m done for.
Wan Bi had only asked casually, assuming they were some sort of beginner’s reading material. She hadn’t been curious originally, but then Yao Xi said they weren’t proper books? Now she wanted to see just how improper they were. “Go fetch them and let this bereaved one take a look!”
Wan Bi was the daughter of an aristocratic family, a child who had grown up reading the works of sages. In the past, even when theatrical troupes were called into the manor, there were some plays that unmarried young ladies like her were forbidden to listen to. However, Wan Bi had read her fair share of idle books; she had never been one to follow the rules.
Yao Xi didn’t move. She earnestly clamped a walnut with the nutcracker and smiled at the Empress Dowager. “They’re just street storyteller script-books. Extremely vulgar, and the content is quite bloody too. It’s better if Your Majesty doesn’t read them, right?”
“Bloody? Are they bloodier than this bereaved one ordering someone to chop off your head right now?” Wan Bi pinched the brain-like walnut meat between her index finger and thumb, placing it between her teeth.
Crack!
Half the walnut was bitten off.
Yao Xi immediately scrambled up from the small stool, dropped the nutcracker, and said, “This slave will be right back.”
After saying that, she scurried out like a wisp of smoke.
She was wrong! To think she actually had the delusion of using a lame excuse like ‘bloody content’ to scare off the Empress Dowager.
Who was the Empress Dowager? She was a monumental figure who was absolutely guaranteed to be written into script-books after her death! In the future, countless storytellers would slam their wooden blocks4 down and open with: In the former dynasty! There emerged a Demon Empress… And then the audience members who brought kids would cover their kids’ ears, and those who brought girlfriends would cover their girlfriends’ ears. The Empress Dowager’s story was too bloody; the old, weak, women, and children couldn’t handle it.
If ancient storytelling had a rating system, the Empress Dowager’s story would be at least R-rated5.
When she returned, Yao Xi had two books in her arms. She walked up to the couch, knelt, and tremblingly presented the books to the Empress Dowager with both hands.
Wan Bi took the books and inspected them. Yellow paper covers, without a single word written on them.
“No title?” It was Wan Bi’s first time seeing such a crudely made book.
Kneeling obediently, Yao Xi replied, “Answering Your Majesty, no. These are incomplete copies of commercial block-printed editions6. The covers fell off long ago, and there are missing pages inside too, but their saving grace is that they’re cheap.”
“Mhm.” The books Wan Bi usually read were meticulously proofread Imperial Household editions. She flipped through Yao Xi’s book. The pages were thin, the ink was smudged, and even a rough glance revealed many errors and omissions. She labored through one page and finally understood why the little castrated donkey had said this book wasn’t proper.
That page described the son of a prime minister climbing over a wall for a clandestine rendezvous with a wandering female street performer…
Wan Bi glanced at Yao Xi, who was kneeling restlessly at her feet. Thinking it over carefully, it wasn’t strange. The little castrated donkey was seventeen or eighteen, right at the age of curiosity regarding romance between men and women. But he should read less of these stories about stealing jade and snatching fragrance7. The child’s temperament wasn’t fully set yet; it would be easy for him to go astray.
“Read less of this kind of book. Love and romance are part of the natural order of the world and should be pursued openly and uprightly. How can it be done so sneakily?”
Yao Xi had thought the Empress Dowager would scold her for being filthy, shameless, and obscene. She hadn’t expected Her Majesty’s thinking to be so progressive, with such upright moral values!
“This slave obeys the decree!” Yao Xi kowtowed to the Empress Dowager. In just a short while, her little heart had ridden another rollercoaster. Serving a master was not easy! “Your Majesty, this slave would like to leave the palace for a trip this afternoon.”
“Leave the palace to do what?” Wan Bi tossed the script-book aside and cleaned her hands with a wet cloth handed over by a palace maid.
Leave the palace to deposit my large gold bars into a money shop and exchange them for silver banknotes, of course! With such a massive sum of money, Yao Xi couldn’t carry it on her person, and she felt anxious every time she left her room. Her entire plan for leaving the palace relied on those gold bars. She might be able to rake in another big haul during the Dragon Boat Festival, but who would ever complain about having too much money? Once she left the palace, making money wouldn’t be as easy as it was inside; she wished she could earn enough to last a lifetime.
While Yao Xi’s heart was fixated on her large gold bars, her mouth said, “This slave received a reward from Master and would like to leave the palace to purchase some daily necessities.” Afraid the Empress Dowager wouldn’t agree, Yao Xi started playing the pity card again. “This slave has never been able to save up much since entering the palace. I finally managed to scrape together some belongings, only for them to be stolen by Liao Bing…”
“Enough. Go!” Wan Bi waved her hand. She happened to want to take a nap anyway, since the moment the little castrated donkey left, she would be bored again.
Footnotes
- Sòngmìngtí (送命题), literally 'fatal question,' is a modern Chinese internet slang term referring to a trick question—typically one asked by a girlfriend or wife where any wrong answer leads to disaster.
- In modern Chinese internet slang, 'H' (derived from the Japanese word 'hentai') is used as a shorthand for explicit or erotic content.
- 'Old driver' (lǎo sījī) is a modern internet slang term for a veteran or highly experienced person, particularly one well-versed in finding and consuming adult content.
- A xǐngmù (醒木), or 'awakening block,' is a small piece of wood used by traditional Chinese storytellers to strike the table, capturing the audience's attention or punctuating a dramatic moment.
- An R-rating, meaning restricted to adult audiences.
- Commercial block-printed editions (fāngkèběn) were mass-produced by private, non-governmental workshops. They were often printed on cheap paper with lower editorial standards, making them affordable for the common people.
- To 'steal jade and snatch fragrance' (qiè yù tōu xiāng) is a Chinese idiom referring to having clandestine romantic or illicit affairs with women.
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