Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 44
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
The palace maid who had brought the rewards led Yao Xi to her new quarters. Feeling embarrassed, Yao Xi trailed behind the maid and said, “I can carry the items myself. I wouldn’t dare trouble you, jiejie.”
“It’s no trouble. We’re already here.” After passing through the grove, the palace maid led Yao Xi to a row of palatial buildings.
Yao Xi stared at the intricately carved railings and jade-like masonry before her in disbelief. “Are the servants’ quarters all this nice?” These palace rooms looked even grander than the main hall of Ning’an Palace. Eldest Princess Longyi was simply ridiculously rich! Even the servants by her side got to live in rooms like this. Yao Xi even began to fantasize about how great it would be to work for Princess Longyi—Her Highness the Princess seemed much less difficult to serve than the Empress Dowager…
No! She couldn’t be ungrateful and eat from the pot while eyeing the basin1! The Empress Dowager treated her well enough.
Having tangled herself up in these blind internal struggles, Yao Xi concluded that she needed to stay and continue serving by the Empress Dowager’s side. She even felt a surge of pride at her own loyalty and deep sense of righteousness, acting as if Princess Longyi had genuinely planned to offer a massive sum to poach her.
“Bold! This is the Empress Dowager’s residence. Gonggong’s room is the duty room at the corner of the hall, so it’s convenient for Her Majesty to summon you at any time. The other eunuchs live elsewhere.” The palace maid handed the tray to Yao Xi. “Her Majesty is still waiting. Please tidy up quickly, gonggong!”
Yao Xi thanked the maid and carried the items into the room. Because she had knelt to greet the Empress Dowager earlier, she was covered in muddy water. She needed to clean herself up quickly before returning to serve Her Majesty. Fortunately, this duty room was situated in the far left corner. To the right was the palace where the Empress Dowager was staying, and to the left was a courtyard with a water well. After setting down her things, Yao Xi hurried to the well, drew a basin of water, and went back inside to wash the mud from her forehead and knees.
The room had no lock on the outside, but there was a wooden latch behind the door. Once the latch was slid into place, no one could enter. Feeling completely secure, Yao Xi stripped off her clothes, scrubbed herself clean, and changed into the new garments the Empress Dowager had just rewarded her with. Her Majesty’s gifts were truly thoughtful. Not only had she provided two sets of official uniforms to alternate between, but there were also two sets of casual clothes and two sets of inner garments. She was especially desperate for the inner garments. When the palace distributed clothing, they didn’t include undergarments, and most eunuchs didn’t wear them anyway—they just threw their official uniforms directly over their bodies.
But Yao Xi couldn’t do that. Her skin was delicate, and the menial servants’ official uniforms weren’t made of good material; wearing them directly made her itch. She had endured it for two months after entering the palace, saving up a little money and borrowing some more from familiar young eunuchs, before quickly buying two sets of fine cotton inner garments from outside the palace. Menial servants received a meager monthly allowance. She had to pay back the borrowed money, plus buy cotton and cloth to hand-make her Auntie Flo towels2… Since then, she hadn’t been able to save a single copper for new clothes. She was still wearing those two sets of inner garments even though they were worn threadbare.
The two sets gifted by the Empress Dowager were pure silk. Not only were they incredibly smooth to the touch, but they also shimmered like silver in the sunlight. When Yao Xi slipped the inner garments on, it felt as though she were being gently embraced—it was indescribably comfortable. She then changed into a fresh official uniform and happily prepared to head out to serve the Empress Dowager. She absolutely dared not let Her Majesty wait anxiously.
Just before leaving the room, she hid the dozen or so large gold bars under her mattress. But that didn’t feel secure…
She hauled the gold bars out again and stuffed them into the wardrobe. She still felt uneasy…
Such a massive bundle of gold bars was conspicuous anywhere! After some thought, Yao Xi decided to stack the gold bars neatly on her bed and casually draped her quilt over them. She figured these were items rewarded by the Empress Dowager; anyone who dared to covet them would truly be throwing their life away. Thinking of it that way eased her mind considerably. Pulling on her freshly scrubbed black cloth boots, she hurried out.
Wan Bi had taken a stroll through the grove and soiled her shoes and clothes as well. She had just changed her attire and was being supported out the palace doors when she saw Yao Xi emerging from the corner duty room. Now that the little castrated donkey had changed into a new outfit and tidied himself up a bit, he was actually quite pleasing to the eye.
Yuanqian supported her master down the stone steps and asked, “Does Your Majesty truly not require this slave-girl to serve you?”
“Having Yao Xi serve is enough,” Wan Bi said. “You need to head over to Ning’an Palace and keep an eye on things, especially the underground vault. Make sure nothing goes missing.”
Yuanqian felt a bit crestfallen. Having served the Empress Dowager for nearly ten years, this was the very first time she tasted the bitterness of falling out of favor. Even when she mistakenly thought Tang Huaili had been unfaithful, she hadn’t felt this awful. With a bitter expression, Yuanqian reluctantly released the Empress Dowager’s hand. She stood on the edge of the steps before the hall, watching as Yao Xi supported the Empress Dowager along the stone path through the grove and across the small bridge over the stream.
Sigh! For some reason, she felt the same heartache and reluctance as a mother marrying off her daughter. Yuanqian secretly wiped a tear from the corner of her eye and led several palace maids back to Ning’an Palace to oversee the work.
Yao Xi kept her arm raised for the Empress Dowager to rest her hand upon, her eyes darting toward Her Majesty every so often.
Just earlier, while they were passing through the grove, a half-withered apricot blossom had fallen onto Her Majesty’s hair at the temple. Yao Xi had never served a master before. The eunuchs in the palace all received pre-employment training3 before being placed at a master’s side, but she was entirely self-taught. No one had ever taught her what to do in this kind of situation.
Use her hands to directly pick it off Her Majesty? How was that possible!
Tell Her Majesty to pick it off herself? Keep dreaming!
There was a group of palace maids following behind them, but from their angle, they couldn’t see the apricot blossom at all.
Amidst her internal conflict, Yao Xi cast another sideways glance at the apricot blossom.
Should she just pretend not to see it? Wait for the flower to fall off on its own, or wait for one of the palace maids to notice and brush it away for Her Majesty?
Wan Bi knew Yao Xi was looking at her. Moreover, he was constantly looking at her, as if he simply couldn’t get enough. Heh. Wan Bi sneered inwardly and cast a sidelong glance at the little castrated donkey who was so clearly infatuated with her. “Why are you looking at this bereaved one?”
“Your Majesty…” Yao Xi stared at the glaringly white apricot blossom resting against the Empress Dowager’s raven hair. While hesitating over whether to mention it, she blurted out, “Your Majesty looks beautiful.”
Like I need you to tell me? Wan Bi smiled again in her heart. This little castrated donkey looked silly, but he was truly a lovestruck fool. “Is this bereaved one someone you can look at so casually?” Wan Bi rolled her eyes at Yao Xi. If he wanted to steal glances, fine, but did he have to be so blatant about it? Was the imperial countenance something he could just stare at directly? He truly didn’t understand the rules!
Yao Xi hurriedly lowered her head. “This slave wouldn’t dare.” She had a mild case of OCD4. Whenever something bothered her, she would obsess over it until it was resolved. After crossing the stone bridge and passing through two gardens and three covered corridors, Yao Xi still occasionally stole glances at the Empress Dowager to see if the flower had fallen.
It still hadn’t fallen! That damn flower is pretty stubborn, huh!
Yao Xi was itching so badly she wanted nothing more than to reach out and pluck it right off the Empress Dowager!
“Your Majesty, an apricot blossom has fallen onto your hair.” Unable to bear it any longer, Yao Xi finally spoke up. Afraid that being too direct would anger Her Majesty, she embellished it: “To think that even this flower has eyes. Seeing Your Majesty’s breathtaking beauty, it willingly gave up its life to fall from the branch and serve as your hairpin. Its life was not lived in vain!”
Wan Bi swept a smiling glance over Yao Xi.
Is the little castrated donkey using the flower as a metaphor for himself? The flower saw this bereaved one’s beauty and recklessly left the branch, just like you saw this bereaved one’s beauty and recklessly risked your life to save this bereaved one? Tsk, tsk, tsk. The little castrated donkey really was a foolish boy; he couldn’t hide his feelings at all.
Wan Bi halted her steps, intending to give the little castrated donkey who adored her a tiny taste of sweetness. She stood in place, waiting for Yao Xi to pick the flower for her.
Yao Xi understood the Empress Dowager’s intention—she obviously wanted someone to help pick off the fallen flower. Not daring to lay hands on Her Majesty herself, Yao Xi looked helplessly toward the palace maid jiejies trailing behind. Why wasn’t anyone making a move?
“What are you waiting for?” Wan Bi looked at Yao Xi’s flushed little face and chuckled softly. The little castrated donkey is actually getting shy. He probably won’t even throw the flower away after picking it, but secretly keep it pressed inside a book.
Yao Xi wasn’t shy at all; her face was red from panic! She had heard people say that Her Majesty disliked eunuchs—how could she possibly dare to touch the imperial person? Yao Xi thought for a moment and performed an action no one could have anticipated: she blew a puff of air at the Empress Dowager’s temple…
Seeing that the apricot blossom didn’t fall, she blew a second puff…
Wan Bi froze.
She smelled the fragrance of tea leaves from the little castrated donkey’s mouth, and her ear tickled from those two puffs of air. Damn it, was this little castrated donkey tired of living, daring to openly seduce her? He dared to blow air into her ear? Even the Late Emperor didn’t have such guts!
After swaying a couple of times, the flower finally fell.
Yao Xi’s long-tortured heart was finally at peace. Her entire focus had been on that apricot blossom; she hadn’t realized in the slightest that the Empress Dowager had grown furious. She even smiled and reported, “Your Majesty, the flower has fallen.”
And your head is about to fall next! Wan Bi glared unhappily at Yao Xi’s completely innocent expression. She didn’t mind the little castrated donkey adoring her, but he needed to have a sense of propriety! How could she, the dignified Empress Dowager, allow a eunuch to frivolously insult her? “What are you doing?” Wan Bi was genuinely angry now, her voice much higher than usual.
Realizing that Her Majesty’s expression was wrong, Yao Xi dropped to her knees and replied, “This slave was blowing away the apricot blossom on Your Majesty’s head.”
“Do you not have hands?” Wan Bi looked at Yao Xi’s small, pale hands.
Yao Xi said, “This slave did not dare offend Your Majesty’s imperial person!”
Wan Bi looked at Yao Xi’s aggrieved and innocent little appearance. He truly didn’t seem like someone harboring dirty thoughts. It was strange; she could never manage to stay angry at this little castrated donkey. She had intended to give him a taste of sweetness anyway, so she would let it slide this time. Once or twice was unintentional, but if it happened a third time, it would be deliberate.
The little master of bookkeeping5, Wan Bi, opened a separate, invisible ledger in her heart for Yao Xi, completely apart from her physical account books. Merits would be deposited; faults would be withdrawn. If the day ever came when the expenses exceeded the income… Wan Bi cast a cold glance at Yao Xi.
“Rise!” Wan Bi didn’t take Yao Xi’s hand again, walking forward on her own.
They took a sedan chair to the base of the steps outside the Gate of Supreme Harmony. Yao Xi stepped forward to help the Empress Dowager alight. Wan Bi shot Yao Xi a cold look, but still placed her hand upon hers. After stepping out, she instructed a palace maid, “Give the sword to Yao Xi. The rest of you wait outside; there is no need to follow.”
Yao Xi accepted the sword handed over by the palace maid. Isn’t this the sword that belonged to the dead assassin yesterday? She didn’t dare speak out of turn. She obediently held the sword in both hands and followed behind the Empress Dowager toward the Gate of Supreme Harmony.
She had to admit, the Empress Dowager’s bearing as she ascended the stone steps with her head held high was majestic and imposing—completely different from her leisurely strolls through the inner palace.
She was so domineering! She was so cool!
Upon reaching the entrance to the Gate of Supreme Harmony, Wan Bi stopped and opened her right palm. Yao Xi hurriedly placed the hilt of the sword into Her Majesty’s hand.
Wan Bi gripped the hilt, swung the blade downward, and walked through the Gate of Supreme Harmony right into the middle of the morning court session. The long sword dragged along the ground, its tip carving a shallow groove into the stone bricks with an ear-piercing screech. Carrying the longsword just like that, Wan Bi walked step by step toward Emperor Ming Cheng under the terrified gazes of the civil and military officials.
Yao Xi watched, dumbfounded. Why does this suddenly feel like a triad boss lady? Your Majesty, are you going in there to hack someone to pieces?
She was also a bit worried. If Her Majesty was coming here to hack people and draw aggro6, why drag her along? She couldn’t afford to offend a single official in this room!
Emperor Ming Cheng and his ministers had been chatting aimlessly about this and that, eagerly hoping Wan Bi would hurry up and arrive.
But now that Wan Bi had actually arrived, he regretted it.
Wan Bi stepped through the Gate of Supreme Harmony with firm, resolute strides, carrying a sword just as she had on the day she personally executed the Speaking Official five years ago. The Emperor panicked slightly. Was this little ancestor going to hack someone to death right in front of his face again? Who was the unlucky bastard this time? Could it be Yang Qishang, the one the assassin gave up?
Please don’t! Killing a Speaking Official was one thing, but if Yang Qishang died, the Grand Secretariat would be thrown into massive turmoil!
Afraid that Wan Bi didn’t understand the crucial stakes regarding the balance of power among the court factions, Emperor Ming Cheng stared in terror as she drew closer and closer.
The officials were even more terrified, not daring to breathe loudly. They huddled together as they stared at the Demon Empress approaching with a sword in hand.
Footnotes
- A colloquial idiom (chī guō wàng pén) that literally means 'eating from the pot while looking at the basin.' It describes someone who is greedy and never satisfied, always coveting something else even when they already have enough.
- A colloquial/slang term used in modern Chinese (dà yímā) to refer to menstruation, literally translating to 'Great Aunt' or 'Auntie Flo.' As a modern transmigrator, Yao Xi naturally uses modern concepts to refer to her sanitary pads.
- A modern corporate term (gǎngqián péixùn) used humorously by the transmigrator protagonist, contrasting sharply with the ancient palace setting.
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder. The transmigrated protagonist uses the modern psychological term (qiángpòzhèng) to describe her fixation on the stray flower petal.
- Literally 'little master of bookkeeping' (jìzhàng xiǎo dárén), a humorous, modern-sounding moniker for the Empress Dowager's habit of mentally tallying grudges and favors.
- A modern gaming slang term (lā chóuhèn) meaning to draw or pull 'aggro' from enemies, used humorously by the protagonist.
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