Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 56
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
Princess Longyi exited the main hall of Qianqing Palace just two steps behind Wan Bi. They walked one after the other toward the palanquins waiting at the palace gates. Supported by Yao Xi, Wan Bi walked ahead.
Noble Lady Lan, who had refused to let anyone close to her last night, had lost all composure in front of Yao Xi. That thought prompted Longyi to take a few extra glances at the eunuch. If she hadn’t looked, it wouldn’t have mattered, but looking revealed something extraordinary.
Yao Xi seemed entirely fine, supporting Wan Bi and staring dutifully at the path ahead. But Wan Bi? Her head was tilted slightly toward Yao Xi, stealing glances at him. The look in her eyes was indescribably complex. It held a bit of everything—except disgust. Wan Bi even smiled at the little eunuch when he wasn’t looking.
One had to remember that the Wan family had died at the hands of eunuchs. Wan Bi was famous for her loathing of them. Yet not only had she kept a eunuch like Yao Xi close to serve her, she genuinely seemed to adore him.
Back in the main hall, others might not have known the truth. But she and Noble Lady Lan knew perfectly well. Yes, Noble Lady Lan had embraced a eunuch—but was it the one Wan Bi had brought in tied up? It was clearly Yao Xi. Since Wan Bi had walked in on the incident, she couldn’t possibly have grabbed the wrong person.
Evidently, Wan Bi had wanted to pick a fight with Noble Lady Lan, but she hadn’t been able to bear parting with Yao Xi.
Longyi had to admit she harbored some fondness for Yao Xi herself, but she could never muster the kind of look Wan Bi and Noble Lady Lan gave him. Since Wan Bi favored Yao Xi so highly, Longyi decided she would find a way to give them a push. If Yao Xi could become Wan Bi’s favored attendant, that would be ideal. Noble Lady Lan would finally be forced to give up on him.
Wan Bi’s reputation was already so rotten that fooling around with a eunuch wouldn’t matter much. But Noble Lady Lan was different. If she lost her head again and was caught doing something inappropriate with Yao Xi, it would be a disaster.
Wan Bi watched Yao Xi’s handsome profile the whole way back, thinking to herself: There are so many bad people out there. It’s best to keep the little castrated donkey firmly tied to my side.
He had only been out of her sight for a little while yesterday, and someone had already taken advantage of him. She had only embraced the little castrated donkey in her dreams, but Noble Lady Lan had embraced him in the flesh. The little castrated donkey was so foolish; who knew if someone might actually kidnap him one day?
This child had a bitter fate. He had been abducted from home by traffickers as a child, and then abducted and sold into the palace when he grew up. Bad things should not happen three times; she could not let the little castrated donkey fall into the hands of bad people a third time.
“Little Yaozi.” Upon returning to the palace, Wan Bi sat down behind her desk and addressed Yao Xi, who was standing to the side. “Among the women in the palace, there are those who lust after beauty, and there are those who are unbearably lonely. From now on, if someone like Noble Lady Lan tries to dive into your arms, don’t let them do whatever they want just because they’re junior masters and you’re afraid to offend them…”
Wan Bi grew angry just thinking about it. If they had been inside a room rather than out in the courtyard, who knew what Noble Lady Lan might have done to her little castrated donkey?
“The next time you encounter something like this, run away immediately. If the Emperor finds out, they have their maternal families, their children, and their history with the Emperor to fall back on—they might just keep their lives. But you only have this bereaved one, and this bereaved one cannot protect you from that sort of thing. In the end, the only one who will suffer and die is you! Do you remember?” Wan Bi sounded like she was lecturing a troublesome child.
“This slave remembers,” Yao Xi said, nodding gratefully. That single phrase—”you only have this bereaved one”—made Yao Xi’s nose sting. Her Majesty truly treated her as one of her own. She couldn’t bear to see her die; she worried about her safety. It had been the same at Qianqing Palace. She had chosen to find a substitute rather than hand her over to the Emperor.
She had only saved Her Majesty once, yet Her Majesty had saved her countless times, forgiving her just as often.
It was only a pity that she would never be able to repay Her Majesty’s vast grace in this lifetime. It wouldn’t be long before their bond as master and servant came to an end. At the thought of their impending separation, for the first time, Yao Xi felt a pang of reluctance instead of the usual thrill of escaping the deep palace.
“Let this slave serve Master.” Yao Xi eagerly added some water to the inkstone and began to grind the ink.
Wan Bi found that Yao Xi’s spontaneous little actions always managed to hit her sweet spot. She smiled and asked, “This bereaved one didn’t say anything about practicing calligraphy. Why are you grinding ink?”
“To answer Your Majesty,” Yao Xi said, sticking her tongue out sheepishly. “This slave just wanted to find something to do to repay Your Majesty.”
Repay? Wan Bi couldn’t help but roll her eyes at Yao Xi.
One tael of gold, one tael of ink1. When an inkstone wasn’t in use, it had to be maintained with clear water; no residual ink could be left behind. If she didn’t use the ink the little castrated donkey was grinding, it would all be wasted.
Well, since he had ground it, she might as well use it! Wan Bi instructed Yao Xi, “Go fetch the Four Treasures of the Study this bereaved one bestowed upon you. This bereaved one said yesterday she would teach you calligraphy.”
“Yes.” Yao Xi was exceptionally obedient today. She figured she would be leaving the Empress Dowager soon. In her remaining days, she absolutely had to perform all her duties perfectly to avoid failing Her Majesty’s kindness.
The duty room was nearby. She darted out like a wisp of smoke and returned moments later.
Wan Bi loved watching Yao Xi bounce around; he looked like a happy little rabbit. Perhaps because he had previously served in an obscure office like the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, where discipline was lax, Yao Xi was quite lacking in manners. But it was precisely his lack of rigid conformity that made him so lively and adorable.
Most eunuchs were utterly lifeless. Even the Emperor’s personal attendant, Tang Huaili, was like that. He was only in his thirties, yet he acted like an old man. Yuanqian was truly blind.
Wan Bi ordered the palace maids to clear the desk of unnecessary items and had them bring another chair for Yao Xi. “Write a few large characters for this bereaved one to see first.” Wan Bi had seen the small characters Yao Xi wrote in his ledger. They were neat, horizontal, and vertical, but unfortunately, they lacked any brushstroke technique whatsoever. The words looked as though they had been propped up with firewood sticks.
Pro: Easy to read. Con: Ugly!
Yao Xi knew absolutely nothing about holding a brush properly. She could barely grip it. Before transmigrating, she had never taken a calligraphy class. After transmigrating, she had worked like a horse and ox in the Sun household. Forget practicing calligraphy; she rarely even got enough sleep. Besides, the Sun family hadn’t even owned paper or pens.
Spreading the paper and dipping the brush in ink, Yao Xi earnestly wrote out four large characters: “May you be prosperous2“.
Wan Bi watched from the side. The characters weren’t wrong, but they were genuinely hideous. However, Wan Bi quite liked the meaning behind them.
Throwing a brick to attract jade3. Seeing that the little castrated donkey’s brick had landed, Wan Bi decided it was her turn. She curled her lips in a careless smile, picked up her brush, and swept it across the paper, writing the exact same four characters: “May you be prosperous”. When she finished, she quietly set the brush down, waiting for the little castrated donkey’s admiration and praise.
“Wow!!!!” Yao Xi was genuinely stunned. Although she couldn’t identify the calligraphy style—and wouldn’t have even recognized the words as “May you be prosperous” if she hadn’t just written them herself—that didn’t stop her from finding Her Majesty’s writing beautiful. It was as beautiful as a painting. Compared side-by-side, her own writing looked like a scruffy chicken next to a phoenix.
Unfortunately, Yao Xi only knew it was good; she couldn’t articulate why it was good. She had no way to critique or describe something she didn’t understand in the first place. Therefore, all her awe and praise condensed into a single pale word and an endless string of invisible exclamation marks.
“Wow!!!!!!!!!!” Yao Xi felt that praising her like this lacked sincerity, and Her Majesty might get angry, so she tacked on two more words. “Good calligraphy!”
Well. That was it.
Wan Bi wasn’t angry. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t known the little castrated donkey was uncultured. That sincere gasp of amazement and the way the little castrated donkey’s eyes widened were enough for Wan Bi.
“The strokes are acceptable, but your execution is wrong.” Wan Bi picked up her brush again and said to Yao Xi, “Watch how this bereaved one writes, and copy it. Pay attention to the weight and flow of the brush.” With that, she began writing stroke by stroke.
Yao Xi tried to copy her exactly. But the result… She had clearly followed the Empress Dowager’s movements, yet Her Majesty produced beautiful characters, while Yao Xi produced a chaotic tangle of ink lines.
“Wrong! Your grip is completely wrong!” Wan Bi stood up, walked behind Yao Xi, who was seated in the chair, bent down, and grasped her hand. She pried Yao Xi’s five fingers apart one by one and pressed them back onto the brush stem.
Yao Xi was so scared she didn’t dare to breathe. Her right hand was engulfed in Her Majesty’s palm. Her stiff fingers were pried apart and pressed back onto the brush stem one by one. Her Majesty was entirely focused on correcting her grip. Strands of hair draped against her neck, tickling her. As Her Majesty spoke, her fragrant breath drifted into Yao Xi’s nose, and for some reason, Yao Xi’s heart suddenly felt ticklish, too.
Under the close physical contact with the Empress Dowager, Yao Xi’s heart skipped beat after beat. Despite the cool spring day, she broke out in a nervous sweat.
Wan Bi smirked secretly behind Yao Xi’s back. Look how flustered the little castrated donkey was getting—it seemed someone wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight. In truth, the little castrated donkey’s grip on the brush had been perfectly correct; she just suddenly wanted to tease him.
Yao Xi’s panicked, flustered appearance only made Wan Bi want to play more. Keeping her hand over Yao Xi’s, she guided the brush across the paper to write two characters—”Wan Bi”. Then, she leaned in and whispered intimately into Yao Xi’s ear, “Remember, this is this bereaved one’s name.”
She straightened up triumphantly, thoroughly enjoying the sight of the little castrated donkey looking completely dazed by her teasing.
When Wan Bi thought someone wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, she was, of course, referring to Yao Xi.
Yet long before night fell, during her afternoon nap, Wan Bi found herself tossing and turning. Her palms felt as though something was lightly scratching them. Her mind was filled entirely with the sensation of holding Yao Xi’s small hand. The little castrated donkey’s hands were so small and soft; holding them was incredibly pleasant.
In her mind, Wan Bi couldn’t stop merging the feeling of skin-to-skin contact with Yao Xi from earlier with the frantic dream she had experienced yesterday. Holding Yao Xi’s hand didn’t disgust her, but thinking about that dream made her restless. She had only meant to tease the little castrated donkey, but she hadn’t expected to churn up her own heart in the process.
If only she could fall asleep and forget yesterday’s dream.
“Bring this bereaved one a jar of wine!” Unable to sleep, Wan Bi sat up abruptly in bed, determined to drown out the dream.
The palace maids didn’t dare advise against it. Following her orders, they brought the wine.
Wan Bi didn’t even bother with a cup. She grabbed the ladle and downed a scoop as if drinking water. One scoop was all it took to make her dizzy. Swaying on her feet, she collapsed onto the bed and used the last of her strength to order the maids, “Withdraw!”
Wine truly was a fine sleep aid. Wan Bi slept even more soundly than she had the night before. But she dreamed again. In the dream, she met Yao Xi once more, only this time, their encounter took place within the bed curtains. She didn’t feel the repulsion or resistance she had during her first dream. She had forgotten that wine was not just a sleep aid—it was an aphrodisiac.
Wan Bi writhed restlessly on the bed. She kicked off the blankets and undid her robes, twisting like a hot, restless snake. Her legs tangled and rubbed together. Her cheeks were flushed red, and her wine-laced, panting breaths were intoxicating.
She didn’t sleep for long before waking up—not startled awake, but rather waking in the throes of a bizarre, lingering pleasure.
Had she slept with the little castrated donkey in her dream? Unlike the first time, this time it had been thorough. There was no stopping halfway. And she hadn’t felt any of the sickening resistance from yesterday’s dream; instead, she had enjoyed the entire process.
“Somebody come!” Wan Bi rubbed her throbbing forehead and called out to the palace maids standing guard outside the bedchamber. “Go to Ning’an Palace. Tell Yuanqian to return and present herself!”
Yuanqian and Tang Huaili were duishi4. Tang Huaili, like the little castrated donkey, was a eunuch. Wan Bi wanted to ask Yuanqian a few things. She didn’t quite know what she was asking, nor did she know what answer she was looking for. She just suddenly thought: if Yuanqian could be with Tang Huaili for so many years, it wasn’t impossible for her to be with the little castrated donkey.
Between her and the little castrated donkey, all it would take was a nod from her. And she had begun entertaining the thought of nodding.
Yuanqian had been resting at Ning’an Palace for the past two days. Rebuilding the palace required managing countless details. By the time she finished her work, it was often late, so she simply slept there out of convenience. Naturally, she took her afternoon naps there as well; without Her Majesty’s summons, she didn’t dare return. But just as she fell into a deep sleep, a palace maid knocked on her door, saying the Empress Dowager had summoned her.
Yuanqian felt no fatigue, only joy. The Empress Dowager truly couldn’t do without her. No matter how much Yao Xi pleased Her Majesty, he was still a eunuch; there were many inconveniences when serving a mistress.
But why had the Empress Dowager summoned her back so urgently? Worried something had happened to Her Majesty, Yuanqian asked the maid who had come to fetch her.
“Her Majesty woke from her nap and urgently demanded to see Gugu. Perhaps she wishes for Gugu to serve her,” the maid replied.
Hearing this, Yuanqian felt even happier. She entered the bedchamber alone and paled in shock before she could even bow. “Your Majesty, do you have a fever? Why is your face so red? This slave-girl will immediately send for Imperial Physician Fu!”
Wan Bi picked up her hot tea, took a sip, and said, “I just drank a little wine. Sit down. This bereaved one has something to ask you.”
Yuanqian sat down nervously on the stool by the bed. Why was Her Majesty suddenly so serious?
“What do you like about Tang Huaili?” Wan Bi asked.
She genuinely didn’t understand why Yuanqian wanted to be with Tang Huaili. For one, Yuanqian knew perfectly well she hated eunuchs. Tang Huaili might be the head eunuch and highly valued by the Emperor, but in the end, he was a man without roots. What could Yuanqian possibly gain from being with him? Let alone the fact that they had no hope of children in the future, the two served different masters. They barely spoke two words to each other all year.
Yuanqian’s heart ran cold. Had Her Majesty called her over in the middle of the day to club the mandarin ducks5? Had Yao Xi made some terrible mistake in front of Her Majesty, making her hate eunuchs all over again, and causing her to regret approving Yuanqian’s relationship with Tang Huaili?
“He has power, influence, and good looks. And he treats this slave-girl very well.” Yuanqian couldn’t be bothered to hide it. If Her Majesty disapproved, she would simply separate from Tang Huaili for now. Later, when they both left the palace, they could keep each other company as an old man and an old woman.
Wan Bi nodded. Yuanqian’s words were practical. The little castrated donkey only lacked power and influence; he had the looks, and he treated her exceedingly well.
Seeing Her Majesty lower her head in thought, Yuanqian assumed Her Majesty was trying to figure out how to persuade her to leave Tang Huaili. She quickly added, “This slave-girl knows Your Majesty hates eunuchs. But there are good eunuchs and bad eunuchs. The eunuchs who harmed Your Majesty’s family were all executed by the Late Emperor; they are not the ones before us now. Eunuchs are people too. It is only because of their tragic backgrounds that they had no choice but to enter the palace as eunuchs…”
“Do you know what a eunuch’s wound looks like?” Wan Bi interrupted. She figured since Yuanqian and Tang Huaili had been together for so many years, they must have engaged in marital relations. Even though a eunuch lacked his roots, there were plenty of other methods in the bedroom.
“Your Majesty…” The topic shifted so abruptly it caught Yuanqian completely off guard. She had just been crying about how pitiful eunuchs were, and suddenly Her Majesty was asking her this. She did know, but how was she supposed to describe it to Her Majesty? Moreover, Her Majesty was an unmarried maiden. Why was she suddenly taking an interest in such things?
“It seems you do know,” Wan Bi said, feeling a bit tense. “Is it scary?”
At this point, Wan Bi understood exactly what she wanted to figure out by calling Yuanqian here.
People like Noble Lady Lan coveting the little castrated donkey’s beauty, combined with the desires catalyzed by her two dreams, had bred a possessive urge over him. Not his heart—his heart was already hers. It was his body. She felt an intense, overwhelming craving to knead the little castrated donkey into her own flesh.
But she needed to know. Would this craving be instantly extinguished the moment she actually saw his body? Some arrows could not be unshot once drawn. If she was destined to be unable to accept it, she didn’t want to hurt the little castrated donkey.
Footnotes
- A traditional saying (yī liǎng huángjīn yī liǎng mò) emphasizing the preciousness and high cost of good quality ink and calligraphy materials, equating their value to gold.
- A common Chinese greeting wishing someone prosperity and wealth, often used during the Lunar New Year (gōngxǐ fācái). Yao Xi writes this out of her modern, money-loving sensibilities.
- A Chinese idiom (pāozhuānyǐnyù) meaning to offer a humble or unremarkable piece of work (the brick) in order to elicit a masterful response or contribution from someone else (the jade).
- Duìshí (对食), literally 'paired eating.' A historical palace term for a romantic or companionate partnership between a eunuch and a palace maid, formed to alleviate the profound loneliness of imperial servitude.
- A Chinese idiom (bàng dǎ yuānyāng) meaning to forcibly break up a couple. Mandarin ducks mate for life and are a traditional symbol of affectionate lovers.
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