Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 43
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
The sedan chair stopped at the entrance of the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. Yao Xi’s ride had not been particularly comfortable.
The two-man sedan swayed violently, and since it was her first time riding in one, she had been constantly worried that the wobbly contraption would tip over at any moment. Thus, she had spent the entire journey with her arms spread wide, gripping the wooden beams on the left and right sides of the sedan. This giant roc spreading its wings1 posture was exhausting—so exhausting that Yao Xi felt she was simply destined for a slave’s life, incapable of enjoying a blessing even when she received one.
Fortunately, the sedan finally came to a halt before her arms snapped off. Once the chair steadied, Yao Xi was just about to rise and lift the curtain when a eunuch came over and lifted it for her. Not only that, but while one eunuch held the curtain, another extended a hand for her to rest hers upon.
“Gonggong, please!” the two said in unison.
Flattered, Yao Xi unconsciously raised her chin. She was a boss now, after all; she had to put on the proper airs. Within the Twelve Directorates, the only rank above a Junior Fourth-Rank2 Assistant Director was a Senior Fourth-Rank Eunuch Director. Even Liao Yaoming, the Seal-holding Eunuch of the Bureau of Imperial Gardens—one of the Eight Bureaus—was only of the Senior Fifth Rank. With just a single word from the Empress Dowager, she was now half a rank higher than Liao Yaoming!
“Ah!” Yao Xi stood at the yamen entrance of the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, letting out a gleeful sigh. She needed to control her facial expressions before going in. The irrepressible smile on her face was simply too punchable; as a person, she still needed to keep a low profile. Yes, a low profile.
No. I really can’t hold it in. Forget it; when life is good, one must enjoy it to the fullest3. She might as well enjoy showing off while she still could!!!
Smiling, Yao Xi stepped forward and violently shoved open the main doors of the Bureau of Imperial Gardens.
Come at me! Worship, envy, and hate me to your hearts’ content! My dear friends at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens!!!
The two eunuchs guarding the gate had been dozing, only to be suddenly startled by the crashing doors. They scrambled up in a daze, watching as Yao Xi led several eunuchs into the bureau.
Flanked by several eunuchs, Yao Xi certainly wasn’t afraid of entering the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. No matter how fierce Liao Bing was, he couldn’t possibly fight off so many people from Ning’an Palace! She didn’t intend to make things difficult for him anyway. They would be walking different paths from now on and would likely never cross paths again. Moreover, while Liao Bing had harbored thoughts of harming her, he hadn’t succeeded—and he never would. Her good days were just beginning; she couldn’t afford to stir up trouble over some rogue ruffian.
Yao Xi’s plan was simply to throw her weight around, draw some aggro, and then head back. She didn’t have much luggage to move in the first place.
Upon entering the main gate, several early-rising young eunuchs saw Yao Xi’s return. They whispered among themselves, too intimidated to approach; they had recognized the Assistant Director’s official uniform she was wearing.
Yao Xi took the initiative to greet them. “Long time no see, everyone.”
The young eunuchs huddled together, offering Yao Xi sheepish smiles. “We heard Yao-gonggong entered Ning’an Palace to serve? Why have you returned to our little place?”
“I’ve come back to fetch a few things. My room hasn’t been taken, has it?” Smiling, Yao Xi headed toward the small room in the Rear Courtyard where she had lived for over a year. The eunuchs from Ning’an Palace followed right behind her.
When she arrived at the door, she found it padlocked. Fortunately, she still had the key. Yao Xi pulled it out and gave it a try, but the door wouldn’t open. Only after trying multiple times did she confirm that the lock had been changed.
She had entered Ning’an Palace the very day she left the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. With someone suddenly vanishing from the yamen, it was impossible that everyone was ignorant of her whereabouts. To change the lock on her door despite knowing that—it was a blatant sign of disrespect toward Ning’an Palace! The Empress Dowager had promoted her and granted her a sedan chair specifically so she could return to the Bureau in glory. Since Her Majesty had deliberately sought to give her face, she absolutely could not allow Ning’an Palace to be looked down upon.
“Who changed the lock?” Yao Xi asked, her hands clasped behind her back as she shot a cold glare at the onlooking Bureau staff. “Who is in charge of the keys now? Call him over immediately!”
The Bureau’s keys were still managed by Liao Bing. He was right in the middle of his early morning meal when a young eunuch suddenly ran over, saying Assistant Director Yao was looking for him.
“Assistant Director Yao?” Liao Bing was thoroughly familiar with the Assistant Directors across the Twelve Directorates, and he didn’t recall anyone surnamed Yao. “Newly appointed? Which yamen is he from? What’s he doing running over to our Bureau of Imperial Gardens so early in the morning?”
The young eunuch replied, “It’s that Yao Xi who suddenly ran off the other day and never came back. Not only did he enter Ning’an Palace to serve, but somehow he’s been promoted to Assistant Director. He brought a bunch of Ning’an Palace eunuchs back, saying he needs to fetch his luggage, and told you to go over and unlock the door!”
A cold light flashed through Liao Bing’s eyes. He gritted his teeth in hatred, crushing the half-eaten steamed bun in his hand into crumbs. “Go tell Assistant Director Yao that I’ll be there immediately!” Liao Bing felt this was his last chance for revenge. This brat Yao Xi was thriving after entering the inner palace; he likely wouldn’t see him ever again after this.
After Yao Xi left, Zheng Dayun had stopped coming to the Bureau of Imperial Gardens as well, so he couldn’t find Zheng Dayun either.
If he let Yao Xi return to Ning’an Palace today, he would have to swallow the grudge of his broken leg for the rest of his life. He wouldn’t be able to rest in peace even on his dying day.
Liao Bing returned to his room. Instead of grabbing the keys, he concealed an awl inside his sleeve.
Yao Xi waited in front of the room. Sure enough, she soon saw Liao Bing limping over. The look in his eyes remained exactly the same as before—brimming with murderous intent and ruthless ferocity.
As Liao Bing drew closer, he offered Yao Xi a smile. “This lowly one will open the door for Assistant Director Yao right away.”
Yao Xi felt something was inherently wrong. Suddenly, she realized what it was. When Liao Bing was only two steps away, she shouted, “Guards! Seize him!”
Liao Bing’s path of revenge was forcibly aborted before it could even begin. “You!” he spat, glaring fiercely at Yao Xi.
“Heh, opening the door for me?” Yao Xi sneered. “Your leg is ruined, so you walk with a limp. You also manage the keys for every room in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, and all those keys are strung onto a single copper ring. With you carrying so many keys and limping as you walk, how exactly did you manage to do so without making a single sound? It seems opening the door was a lie, and murdering me was the truth!”
The eunuchs restraining Liao Bing patted him down and, sure enough, produced an awl. “Good eyes, Yao-gonggong!”
Such a massive commotion in the Bureau naturally alarmed Liao Yaoming. After hearing someone explain the situation, he hurriedly brought the keys over. A man had to know when to bow and when to stand tall. Liao Bing might not value his life, but Liao Yaoming certainly valued his.
Liao Yaoming personally unlocked the door for Yao Xi, smiling as he said, “My nephew is a foolish brute, as Assistant Director Yao well knows. All of your belongings are exactly as you left them. We only changed the lock because we feared some ignorant wretch might break into your room and cause trouble. Come, Lord Assistant Director, please.”
As Yao Xi went inside to pack, a eunuch from Ning’an Palace pulled Liao Yaoming aside to deliver a message. “The Empress Dowager has a decree for Liao-gonggong. This Liao Bing is far too malicious; you at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens may handle him yourselves!”
“Yes.” Liao Yaoming knelt to receive the decree.
“Furthermore, for his poor management, Liao-gonggong is fined three months’ salary.”
“This slave hears the decree.” Liao Yaoming breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness he hadn’t been dragged down by that brat Liao Bing. Merely keeping his little life after offending the Empress Dowager was already an incredible feat; a three-month salary fine was nothing at all.
The Bureau of Imperial Gardens was a wretched place. Yao Xi didn’t linger; she had to hurry back to Ning’an Palace to thank the Empress Dowager for her grace.
However, when Yao Xi stepped out of the sedan, she found she wasn’t at Ning’an Palace, but at the residence of Eldest Princess Longyi. “Are we not returning to Ning’an Palace?” Yao Xi had left early the previous night and had no idea what had transpired afterward.
The eunuch replied, “The Main Hall of Ning’an Palace needs to be rebuilt, so the Empress Dowager is staying at the Eldest Princess’s palace for the time being. Her Majesty ordered that once you collected your luggage, Gonggong should move in here to serve and need not return.”
“Oh.” Carrying the two storybooks, a cloth wrapper, and two thin unlined garments she had retrieved from the Bureau, Yao Xi walked inside.
A eunuch was already waiting at the gate. Upon seeing her, he bowed and said, “Yao-gonggong, please follow me.”
Yao Xi found this eunuch extremely familiar, but he didn’t seem to be from Ning’an Palace. She asked, “Have we met before, Gonggong?”
“Has Yao-gonggong forgotten? Yesterday, you were drinking with the Eldest Princess, and I was the one who escorted you to the bathhouse afterward.” The eunuch led the way, explaining to Yao Xi, “Our palace was built by merging two palaces together, though Her Highness the Princess has yet to name it. After the Empress Dowager moved in, she and our Princess have been living in separate sections. Hearing that everyone from Ning’an Palace would be moving in today, Her Highness ordered us to wait by the gates early to guide everyone to their quarters.”
“Her Highness the Princess is very thoughtful.” Yao Xi followed the eunuch through winding paths and countless turns. After walking for a long time, they arrived at a small stream spanned by a stone bridge. The eunuch led Yao Xi onto the bridge and said, “Everything across this stone bridge is the Empress Dowager’s residence. The quarters for the gonggongs and jiejies of Ning’an Palace are also on the other side of the stream. Since not many of you came over to serve the Empress Dowager, everyone gets their own individual room.”
An individual room? Yao Xi suddenly felt that yesterday’s fire had been a magnificent blessing in disguise. Still, Princess Longyi’s place was truly vast—much larger than Ning’an Palace. As the two crossed the stone bridge and passed through a small grove of trees, they happened upon the Empress Dowager, who was taking a stroll after her morning meal.
“This slave greets the Empress Dowager.” Yao Xi and the young eunuch immediately knelt.
Wan Bi found Yao Xi looking somewhat unfamiliar, as though they hadn’t seen each other in ages. The little castrated donkey looked far more radiant today than usual. It was likely thanks to the clothes. The menial servants’ official uniforms were far too drab, making anyone wearing them look excessively haggard. The Assistant Director’s uniform, on the other hand, was red. It reflected beautifully against the little castrated donkey’s face, giving his cheeks a peach-like flush and making him look much more spirited.
“Have you been to the Bureau of Imperial Gardens?” Wan Bi asked with a smile.
“I have. This slave thanks Your Majesty for the reward.” Yao Xi was grinning from ear to ear. Even though her jaw ached from smiling so much, she still couldn’t stop her mouth from curving upward.
Wan Bi glanced at the meager items clutched in Yao Xi’s arms. “That’s all you have?” It truly was pitifully shabby. Wan Bi realized that what Yuanqian had said yesterday about Yao Xi having a hard life was absolute truth. She felt it was all the more remarkable that a little castrated donkey, as destitute as he was, had been willing to gift her a pair of gold paperweights.
“Your Majesty jests,” Yao Xi said, embarrassed as she hugged her belongings tighter against her chest.
Wan Bi shot Yuanqian a look. Catching her meaning, Yuanqian turned and whispered a few words to the young palace maids behind her.
“You are a eunuch serving by Longyi’s side, yes?” Wan Bi said to the young eunuch kneeling beside Yao Xi. “Your business here is finished. You may withdraw!”
The young eunuch kowtowed, bowed at the waist, and retreated backward.
Yao Xi remained kneeling. It hurt a little—not her knees, but her heart. My new clothes! Kneeling straight into the mud of this grove! It had rained so heavily last night, leaving the ground covered in muddy puddles.
Ah! My lovely, glorious new clothes! Yao Xi’s heart truly bled for them.
“Are you tired of kneeling?” Wan Bi lowered her gaze, taking in Yao Xi’s pained expression. “Even if you are tired, you will stay kneeling. You’ll just have to kneel again in a moment even if you get up.”
Yao Xi wondered if the Empress Dowager was having another one of her fits. Was she torturing her for amusement? Slapping her face and then offering a sweet date4, only to slap her again? As her imagination ran wild, a palace maid approached carrying a wooden tray. On the tray sat several sets of clothing, a set of the Four Treasures of the Study5, and the thing that made Yao Xi the absolute happiest—a dozen large gold bars!
The Empress Dowager is so rich!
And she’s so incredibly generous!
Her dream of leaving the palace, which she had once thought to be an impossible fantasy, was about to come true in the blink of an eye!
Yao Xi had already made up her mind. Once the Dragon Boat Festival arrived and she raked in a few more rewards from the various consorts, she would resign and leave the palace! Then, she would take over a shop to run a small business, buy a plot of land to collect rent, and spend the rest of her life in comfortable, leisurely wealth.
“Are you not going to offer your thanks? Do you not want these things?” Wan Bi found it amusing to see the little castrated donkey weeping tears of joy. It was just a paltry amount of goods; was there any need to be this ecstatic? If he worked for her, there would be plenty more rewards to come.
Yao Xi hastily kowtowed. “This slave thanks Your Majesty for the reward! This slave is willing to coat the ground with my liver and brains6 to repay my Master’s profound grace!” She no longer cared about the mud dirtying her forehead, nor did her heart bleed for her mud-soaked clothes. Yao Xi wept genuine tears of joy. She had thought she would have to endure the palace for a long, long time. Never did she expect that blundering her way into saving the Empress Dowager’s life would make all her dreams come true at once.
She finally had the money to leave the palace and live her little life.
“Rise! Take these things back, tidy yourself up, and then hurry back here to accompany this bereaved one to the Gate of Supreme Harmony.” Wan Bi was highly satisfied with Yao Xi’s reaction to the reward.
After Yao Xi left, Yuanqian offered her mistress a reminder. “Your Majesty, won’t it be too late by the time Yao Xi returns? The morning court session should be ending soon, shouldn’t it?”
“Whether it ends or not is entirely up to the Emperor, isn’t it? There is no rush; he will drag out the time and wait for this bereaved one to arrive.” Wan Bi strolled leisurely through the grove, her mood soaring as she thought of the little castrated donkey shedding tears of gratitude before her.
The Gate of Supreme Harmony.
Emperor Ming Cheng gazed anxiously at the entrance, wondering why Wan Bi still hadn’t arrived.
There weren’t many court matters to discuss today, and the issues that needed addressing had already reached a conclusion. The ministers stood in silence, waiting for the Emperor to dismiss the court. Emperor Ming Cheng also remained silent, but he stubbornly refused to announce the dismissal, leaving the atmosphere rather awkward.
“Do Our beloved subjects have any further matters to report?” Emperor Ming Cheng stifled a yawn. He had been busy at Jingling Palace until very late the night before, and after confirming that Noble Lady Lan was unharmed, he had to issue decrees to resettle everyone from the Cold Palace. Despite all that, he had still attended morning court on time. Wan Bi, on the other hand—she was the one who said she was coming, yet here she was, still nowhere to be seen.
After Emperor Ming Cheng asked, a dead silence fell over the hall below. A few ministers, exhausted from standing, even shook their heads.
“If there are matters to report, present them…” As soon as Emperor Ming Cheng spoke the formulaic opening, the eyes of all the civil and military officials lit up with anticipation.
“…If not, then stay and chat with Us!”
All those expectant eyes instantly went dark again.
Footnotes
- An idiom (dà péng zhǎn chì) referring to the mythical giant roc spreading its wings; used here comically to describe someone holding their arms stretched wide.
- An official ranking in the imperial civil and military nine-rank system. 'Junior' (cóng) is a subordinate grade, while 'Senior' (zhèng) is the primary grade. A Junior Fourth-Rank is just below a Senior Fourth-Rank.
- A famous line from a poem by the Tang dynasty poet Li Bai: 'When life is good, one must enjoy it to the fullest' (rénshēng déyì xū jìn huān).
- A common Chinese phrase (dǎ yī bāzhǎng gěi kē zǎo) meaning to mix discipline with reward; to slap someone first and then offer them a sweet date to soothe them.
- The 'Four Treasures of the Study' (wénfáng sìbǎo) refer to the essential tools of Chinese calligraphy and scholarship: the brush, ink, paper, and inkstone.
- A dramatic Chinese idiom (gānnǎo túdì) meaning to 'coat the ground with one's liver and brains'—an oath to lay down one's life and sacrifice everything out of utmost loyalty.
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