Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 52
by Little Panda[NOTE: CHAPTER 51 IS LOCKED AND CANNOT BE ACCESSED.]
The Empress Dowager is So Wicked
Yao Xi hadn’t even caught her breath after returning from Princess Longyi’s place when a palace maid jiejie told her the Empress Dowager was looking for her. Entering the hall and seeing Her Majesty’s expression, she knew Her Majesty was acting up again.
Yao Xi, who had been beaming on the way back, could no longer smile. She had been quite happy because she brought Princess Longyi some things, and Her Highness rewarded her with a handful of gold nuggets1.
The Eldest Princess was truly generous to her subordinates. Just look at her unit of measurement… a handful. Golden, peanut-sized gold nuggets—the Eldest Princess just grabbed a big handful and rewarded her. And she had only gifted Her Highness a bottle of wine… that bottle of wine was only worth three taels2 of silver.
Buying such cheap wine wasn’t because she was stingy. She simply had too many debts of gratitude to repay; one large gold bar really wasn’t enough. Moreover, she would be leaving the palace right after the Dragon Boat Festival3 on the fifth of next month. Thinking to save up as much as possible before leaving, she couldn’t bear to spend recklessly. She hadn’t even bought herself any snacks when leaving the palace today. Even though she craved them all the way, she only treated the little eunuch accompanying her to some food and couldn’t bear to eat any herself.
When Yao Xi accepted the gold nuggets from Princess Longyi, a terrible, dirty, yet alluring thought even flashed through her mind: How about I frequently deliver things to Her Highness the Eldest Princess? It felt like getting rich and making a fortune was just around the corner!
But it was just a fleeting thought. She couldn’t take advantage of others’ goodwill, especially when the other party was as kind a person as the Eldest Princess.
“Your Majesty was looking for this slave?” Yao Xi obediently knelt upon entering the hall. She was already used to the Empress Dowager inexplicably going crazy from time to time. When the madness struck, she would either come up with wicked ideas to tease her or verbally intimidate her. In short, as long as it didn’t harm her body or threaten her life, a thick skin was all she needed.
Her Majesty was quite pitiful too. With poor interpersonal skills, she had no friends in the palace, and probably none outside either. Her Majesty was also a person with a heavy playful streak; she had been forcefully driven mad by the boring life in the rear palace!
So whenever the Empress Dowager acted up, Yao Xi, apart from being a little worried that Her Majesty’s jokes might go too far, mostly held the mindset of caring for a lonely elderly person.
Wan Bi was holding back a suffocating frustration in her heart. She originally wanted to ask: Would you never come back if I didn’t look for you?
After thinking about it, she felt that sounded too weird. No matter how you listened, it carried the resentful anger of a little wife longing for her husband’s return. But the words that actually came out weren’t much better: “Did you go to Zhongling Palace to deliver things to that palace maid?”
Yao Xi was visibly startled. She felt the Empress Dowager knew her every move with absolute clarity. It turned out that little eunuch wasn’t sent to help her, but to monitor her. Then did Her Majesty know she bought cotton and cotton cloth? Would she be suspicious?
“This slave received a reward from Your Majesty. Remembering that Gugu Hanqiu had helped this slave in the past, this slave took the opportunity while leaving the palace to buy daily necessities to bring back a small gift for Gugu Hanqiu to express my gratitude.” Yao Xi didn’t dare lie; when she gave the items to Hanqiu, that little eunuch was watching from not far away. But Her Majesty couldn’t possibly be angry about this, right? It was just giving Gugu Hanqiu a little something. What was Her Majesty angry about?
Yao Xi tried hard to fathom her master’s thoughts, but her skill wasn’t deep enough; she truly couldn’t guess.
Perhaps Her Majesty is angry that I delayed the shichen of my return by delivering things to someone? Very possible.
Wan Bi herself didn’t understand why she flared up after hearing that the little castrated donkey had delivered things to that palace maid. She just felt sour in her heart. Suspecting that Noble Lady Lan was here to see Yao Xi also made her uncomfortable, and even Yao Xi’s closeness with Longyi made her inexplicably a bit angry.
After having that strange dream in the afternoon, looking at Yao Xi now felt bizarre. It was a kind of fondness mixed with disgust, making her so uncomfortable she didn’t know what to do. The disgust was toward eunuchs; the fondness was toward Yao Xi.
Wan Bi would not let anyone affect her state of mind.
The Noble Lady Lan she hated couldn’t.
The little castrated donkey she liked couldn’t either.
“Yao Xi.” This was the first time Wan Bi could remember calling the little castrated donkey by his name.
Yao Xi raised her head in shock. She knew that if the Empress Dowager called her “Gonggong” or “Eunuch Yao,” she was acting up and wanted to make fun of her. If she called her “Little Yaozi,” she was in a good mood. But calling her by her full name so solemnly seemed extremely, extremely rare.
“This slave is here.” Yao Xi grew nervous. Has the Empress Dowager developed some novel new crazy skill?
Wan Bi stared straight at Yao Xi kneeling before her, silent for a long time. She was making a difficult decision, one that made her reluctant, and would make the little castrated donkey heartbroken. “You went to Longyi’s place again just now?”
“En…” Yao Xi grew even more nervous.
“Since you and Princess Longyi get along so well, go serve by her side starting today!” If it were just the little castrated donkey adoring her, keeping him around would be fine. But her feelings toward the little castrated donkey were getting more and more wrong, and the little castrated donkey had only served by her side for a few days. She didn’t dare imagine what would happen if this continued—would there come a day when she struggled in a dilemma between her love for the little castrated donkey and her hatred for eunuchs?
Before all that happened, she couldn’t let this eunuch who thoroughly disturbed her peace of mind stay by her side any longer. She couldn’t possibly fall in love with a eunuch, nor would she allow herself to fall in love with a eunuch. Perhaps she had a bit of fondness for a little plaything, but that wasn’t romantic love. That scene in her dream shouldn’t have appeared, and she felt ashamed for actually somewhat enjoying the feeling of pinning down Yao Xi, who was dressed as a woman.
Yao Xi’s eyes widened. Go serve by Princess Longyi’s side? What kind of unexpected windfall was this!
Wait, could Her Majesty be trying to test my loyalty?
The Empress Dowager had many schemes, full of tricks when messing with people. Yao Xi had to keep her guard up. This was definitely a trap! If she excitedly and joyfully thanked Her Majesty for her grace in a moment of impulse, she would probably not be far from death.
Calm down! The Empress Dowager is playing tricks on you again. You must not fall for it! Yao Xi exhorted herself in her heart.
“If this slave did something wrong, Your Majesty, please tell this slave, and this slave will change. This slave only begs Your Majesty, for the sake of this slave’s absolute loyalty to you, do not drive this slave away! This slave said I would serve Your Majesty until death!” Yao Xi spoke mournfully. No matter how much she yearned to go to Princess Longyi’s place in her heart, she had to pretend on her face that she couldn’t bear to leave the Empress Dowager.
It wasn’t that she thought the Empress Dowager was bad. The Empress Dowager was generous and extremely tolerant of her. But the Empress Dowager’s temper was too unpredictable; being on edge all day was truly terrifying. Like right now, Her Majesty was setting a trap for her again.
Serving a master who had nothing better to do all day than dig pits and lure you to jump into them—if you didn’t jump, it was fine, but if you did, it was a bottomless abyss! Who could stand such a working environment?
Princess Longyi was different. Not to mention she was generous, the key was she had a good temper and didn’t put on airs with her subordinates. Furthermore, Her Highness the Princess would soon be leaving the palace for her fiefdom.
Leaving the palace… how wonderful! If Her Highness the Princess could take her along when she left the palace, it would be even better. For a eunuch to apply to leave the palace, not only did the master have to agree, but it also had to be approved by the Directorate of Ceremonial. It went without saying her master was formidable; otherwise, trying to leave the palace early through the Directorate of Ceremonial’s yamen would peel a layer of skin off you. The silver she had painstakingly saved up might all have to be paid in bribes.
While serving by the Empress Dowager’s side, she didn’t have to look at the yamen’s faces to leave the palace. But she worried the Empress Dowager wouldn’t allow her to leave. Her Majesty was bored and treated her as a plaything to relieve her boredom; whether she would agree to her leaving the palace was really uncertain.
Seeing Yao Xi’s pitiful appearance of fighting tooth and nail to stay by her side, Wan Bi couldn’t help but feel a pang of heartache. For the little castrated donkey to leave, to her it was merely losing a satisfactory and interesting slave, but for the little castrated donkey, it meant moving far away from the true love of his life!
What a pity she couldn’t keep the little castrated donkey no matter how reluctant she was. She had remembered his life-saving grace, and she had received his feelings of adoration. Even if the little castrated donkey went to Longyi’s side, after she calmed down for a few days and that inexplicable and inappropriate emotion completely dissipated, she could bring the little castrated donkey back again. Longyi would have to return to her fiefdom sooner or later. Even if she felt complex emotions looking at the little castrated donkey right now, she couldn’t possibly let Longyi take him out of the palace.
Wan Bi always felt that after losing his family, the little castrated donkey often harbored thoughts of death, and had only gotten a bit better after coming to serve by her side. Perhaps she was the little castrated donkey’s only hope for living! She wasn’t letting Longyi take the little castrated donkey away for his own good; if he couldn’t see her anymore, who knew if the little castrated donkey would lose the will to live again?
That was why she was letting him serve at Longyi’s side. Not too far, not too close—just right. Living in the same palace, the little castrated donkey could occasionally see her to soothe his lovesickness, and she wouldn’t have to watch him sway before her eyes all day. Those messy thoughts would probably soon be gone.
“This bereaved one isn’t used to having eunuchs serving by my side. Because of your merit in saving this bereaved one, this bereaved one also couldn’t bear to let you return to the Chore Room to run errands.” The more Wan Bi spoke, the more reluctant she felt. What an interesting and lovable little castrated donkey. Steeling her heart, she continued: “I see Longyi quite likes you, and her temper isn’t bad. You won’t suffer any grievances serving by her side.”
Although Wan Bi didn’t get along with Longyi, she still acknowledged Longyi’s character. She felt as though she were temporarily entrusting a beloved pet to someone else’s care. She even wanted to summon Longyi over to carefully instruct her, telling her the little castrated donkey had a stubborn temper and sometimes had to be coddled; if pushed too hard, the little castrated donkey wouldn’t want to live anymore.
Yao Xi stole glances at the Empress Dowager. She couldn’t see any trace of a joke on Her Majesty’s face. Her Majesty even seemed very reluctant?
Could the Empress Dowager truly be showing great kindness by letting me serve Princess Longyi?
Yao Xi snickered in her heart.
She was grateful to the Empress Dowager, but the chances of staying alive by following Princess Longyi were really much higher. She would also earn quite a bit more in rewards. She was leaving the palace very soon, and saving money was an urgent priority. Most importantly, if she begged Princess Longyi to allow her to leave the palace, with Her Highness’s personality, she would absolutely fulfill her wish.
She engraved the Empress Dowager’s grace in her heart, but at this moment, she really wanted to go to Princess Longyi’s place more.
“This slave dares not disobey Your Majesty’s decree.” Yao Xi wore a deeply sorrowful expression, but her heart was blooming with joy.
Wan Bi closed her eyes and said, “Go!” She couldn’t bear to look at the little castrated donkey’s sad, distressed, and reluctant little appearance, afraid her heart would soften and she would keep him again.
“Yes.” Yao Xi quickly agreed, deeply afraid the Empress Dowager would go back on her word.
Before packing her things to leave, she remembered she hadn’t given the Empress Dowager the gift she brought. She got up, went outside the hall, and brought in a cage containing a soft yellow canary. Yao Xi said, “When this slave left the palace, I saw this little bird was extremely cute, so I wanted to buy it back to relieve Your Majesty’s boredom.”
Wan Bi looked at the canary in the cage, a trace of sweetness welling up in her heart. She thought the little castrated donkey had brought everyone a gift except her. Turns out, he had brought one.
But why give a canary? Did the little castrated donkey want to be her canary?
Wan Bi’s already tangled and messy thoughts were touched again.
She couldn’t accept a eunuch’s body, but as long as she didn’t think about it, it seemed to be fine. Why not keep the little castrated donkey? We can’t do that kind of thing anyway, so what if he’s a eunuch? That repulsed feeling in my heart will probably fade as time passes, right?
“Since you are so determined to serve this bereaved one, then stay!” Wan Bi said helplessly, looking at that canary.
Yao Xi was dumbfounded.
She’s not letting me go to Princess Longyi’s place anymore? Your Majesty, you liar!!!
Refusing to give up, Yao Xi knelt on the ground and fought hard for it: “This slave also cannot bear to leave Your Majesty. But Your Majesty said you weren’t used to having eunuchs serving by your side. This slave dares not incur Your Majesty’s distaste and make Your Majesty angry. Princess Longyi lives in the same palace as Your Majesty; even if this slave goes over there, I can still run errands for Your Majesty.”
“Whether I am used to it or not is this bereaved one’s business.” Wan Bi didn’t quite understand why Yao Xi clearly couldn’t bear to leave her, yet was insisting on going to Longyi’s place. This little castrated donkey, could he be playing hard to get with me? Wan Bi lowered her head and snickered. This little brat has quite a few wicked ideas. He definitely learned them from storybooks.
Yao Xi really wanted to cry. She had a hole in her brain too; if she was about to leave, why give a bird! She should have just packed her things and left swiftly! She deserved it!
With tears welling in her eyes, Yao Xi kowtowed and thanked her for her grace: “Thank you, Empress Dowager, for your fulfillment!” She was truly, truly so sad. What if Her Majesty doesn’t let me leave after the Dragon Boat Festival?
Wan Bi looked comfortingly at Yao Xi weeping tears of joy. This silly child. Does staying by my side make him this happy?
“Rise! Tomorrow morning, bring over the Four Treasures of the Study4 this bereaved one rewarded you. This bereaved one will teach you to practice your calligraphy. Yuanqian is busy at Ning’an Palace, so the income and expenses for this palace will temporarily be recorded by you. Also, stop reading those storybooks from now on…” Wan Bi felt that she had only had that terrible dream because she was corrupted by storybooks. “Pick a few books you like from the study to read instead!”
“This slave obeys the decree.” Yao Xi’s sorrow over missing out on Princess Longyi faded a bit. The Empress Dowager really treated her very well; a person should know how to be content. Just being able to stay alive in the palace was good enough—what more could she ask for5?
Footnotes
- Jīn kèzi (金锞子), a small, ornamental gold ingot, often cast into auspicious shapes like peanuts or plum blossoms to be given as gifts or rewards.
- Liǎng (两), a traditional Chinese unit of weight used for silver, roughly equivalent to 37.5 grams.
- Duānwǔ (端午), the Dragon Boat Festival, celebrated on the fifth day of the fifth lunar month.
- Wénfáng sìbǎo (文房四宝), the four essential tools of traditional Chinese calligraphy and scholarship: the brush, ink, paper, and inkstone.
- A modern Chinese internet slang phrase (yào shénme zìxíngchē), which literally translates to 'what bicycle do you want?' It originated from a famous comedy sketch and means 'don't be greedy' or 'what more could you possibly ask for?'
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