Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 37

The Empress Dowager is So Wicked

The assassin crashed heavily to the floor. He recovered quickly, raising his sword to stab the little eunuch who had tackled him. But Yao Xi, emboldened by wine, channeled the spirit of Wu Erlang fighting the tiger¹. In a dizzy haze, she lifted an elbow high and brought it down mercilessly, a heavy hammer blow aimed straight at the assassin’s groin. Before he could even process the pain, Yao Xi, spurred on by his shriek, delivered a rapid-fire series of punches to that same wondrous spot.

The assassin howled in agony, his grip on the sword loosening at some point without him even realizing it.

            

But Yao Xi was thoroughly drunk, and her stamina was questionable. It wasn’t long before she tired herself out. The thought of wine never crossed her mind; she was certain the growing weakness in her body was the poison taking effect. In her daze, she could even hear death’s approaching footsteps.

Having exhausted all her energy in the battle—no, the one-sided beatdown—of the assassin, Yao Xi collapsed in despair on top of him, closed her eyes, and peacefully awaited her demise.

The assassin, his balls aching: What the hell is going on???

            

Wan Bi, watching the show: Why did he stop fighting???

It was Yuanqian-gugu who remained clear-headed. With Yao Xi out of commission, she had to step up. She couldn’t very well let the Empress Dowager herself charge into the fray, could she? With perfect composure, Yuanqian snatched up a large, half-man-high flower vase from the floor, rushed over, and while the assassin was still reeling, she brought it crashing down with all her might…

She wasn’t done. Yuanqian-gugu found a coil of rope from somewhere, shoved aside Yao Xi who was using the assassin as a pillow, and dragged the unconscious man over to a pillar, where she trussed him up² tightly. Only after all this was done did she return to the Empress Dowager’s side. “Your Majesty, what are your orders?”

            

Wan Bi glanced at the assassin and gave her instructions calmly. “Don’t raise an alarm yet. Wait for him to wake up, then interrogate him. Find out who sent him. Once you have an answer, kill him.”

“And if we can’t get an answer?” Yuanqian ventured. She already knew the answer, but it was better to ask for confirmation than to presume and misinterpret Her Majesty’s will.

“Kill him!” Wan Bi said. “There may be more of them. Have men protect the imperial personage outside the hall at once. And remember, they are to remain outside. Not a word that the assassin is still alive.”

            

Yuanqian acknowledged the order and left. But as soon as she stepped out of the hall, she found that the eunuchs and palace maids who had been waiting under the eaves of the corridor had all been dealt with. Yuanqian sighed and hurried toward the Rear Hall to fetch more people. The thunder and rain were too loud; shouting across the distance was useless. She would have to give the orders face-to-face.

Fearing the assassin had accomplices, Wan Bi shut the hall doors as soon as Yuanqian was gone. She then picked up the sword the assassin had dropped beside Yao Xi, to use for self-defense. As she did, Yao Xi, who had been sprawled on the floor fast asleep, suddenly curled into a ball, her small arms wrapped pitifully around herself.

Is the little castrated donkey cold? Wan Bi stood and looked down at Yao Xi. If Yuanqian were here, she would have ordered her to fetch a mattress pad from the Warm Pavilion to cover him. But Yuanqian wasn’t here. There was only her, the little castrated donkey, and a securely bound assassin.

            

Fetch a mattress pad for someone? Wan Bi had never in her life done anything to serve another person. At home, she’d had swarms of maids; in the palace, she had palace maids and eunuchs.

In truth, the hall wasn’t cold. With the doors closed and a charcoal fire burning, how cold could it be? Yao Xi felt a chill partly because of the wine, and partly because her clothes had gotten damp during her struggle with the rain-soaked assassin.

Forget it. A little cold won’t kill him.

            

Wan Bi averted her gaze, putting it out of her mind. She would wait for Yuanqian to return.

“Haa… sss… so cold~~~” In her sleep, Yao Xi shivered, hugging her small shoulders tighter and tucking her knees to her chest.

Wan Bi had looked away, but now the little castrated donkey’s shivering moans reached her ears. He had, after all, just saved her life. Wan Bi glanced helplessly at the little eunuch on the floor, then turned and entered the Warm Pavilion. When she emerged, she was still holding the sword, but now she also carried a begonia-red mattress pad.

            

Wan Bi walked over to Yao Xi and, with a casual toss, threw the pad over her, covering her head completely. The image was rather inauspicious. She had no choice but to crouch down, adjust the bedding, and pull it back to uncover her head.

The moment she saw Yao Xi’s sleeping face, Wan Bi visibly froze. Up close, the little castrated donkey’s features were even more beautiful. Long lashes rested on his eyes, and a drunken blush colored his cheeks, a stark contrast to his jade-like skin. A phrase surfaced in Wan Bi’s mind—yuyan tuo³.

A knock came from the hall doors. It was Yuanqian. Wan Bi flinched, startled. She had just been staring, captivated, at a sleeping eunuch…

            

Wan Bi stood to open the door for Yuanqian, but as she moved, she realized Yao Xi’s hand had, at some point, grabbed the hem of her skirt. Her first instinct was to kick the hand away, but then she remembered the sight of Yao Xi throwing herself forward to save her. She crouched down again and gently pried the fingers open. The small hand clutching her skirt was a little cold, and a little soft.

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It was already night when Yao Xi awoke.

The hall was brilliantly lit. Yuanqian-gugu was nowhere to be seen; only the Empress Dowager was present.

            

I’m not dead? Thinking she’d been lethally poisoned, Yao Xi pinched her own cheek in disbelief. Her head was still groggy and her tongue was no longer numb, but for some reason, her elbow ached. Yao Xi rubbed it, slowly recalling that she might have gotten into a fight before she passed out.

“Gonggong is awake?” Wan Bi sat behind her desk and smiled at Yao Xi.

“Your Majesty… where’s the assassin?” Yao Xi remembered the man with the sword who had burst into the hall.

            

“There,” Wan Bi jutted her chin toward a pillar on the left. “Already tied up.”

“Then the poison in this slave’s body…”

Wan Bi couldn’t help but laugh at the memory of the little castrated donkey’s foolishness when he thought he was poisoned. “You just accidentally ate a Sichuan peppercorn⁴. What poison?”

            

Yao Xi let out a long breath. She couldn’t be blamed for assuming the worst. This was Ning’an Palace! The odds of being poisoned were far greater than the odds of accidentally eating a peppercorn. “Does Your Majesty have any other orders?” If not, she wanted to go back. After yet another brush with death, Yao Xi felt that ever since meeting the Empress Dowager, her little life had been dangling by a thread.

Maybe the Empress Dowager’s fate clashes with mine? No. So many things have happened in Ning’an Palace, so many maids and eunuchs have died, yet Her Majesty remains completely unscathed. Maybe the Empress Dowager is the one with the truly hard fate⁵, the one who jinxes the entire world!

“I do. You saved this bereaved one’s life. This bereaved one must reward you,” Wan Bi said with a smile.

            

A reward from the Empress Dowager? Yao Xi’s eyes lit up. Suddenly, her head wasn’t dizzy anymore, and her arm no longer ached. She thought of the boxes of treasure she had catalogued. Anything Her Majesty casually bestowed upon her would be more than enough. And what’s more, she had protected the imperial personage; Her Majesty was bound to give a grand reward!

Heavens! Resigning and leaving the palace was just around the corner! Yao Xi straightened up, kneeling properly, full of vigor as she awaited the Empress Dowager’s reward.

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Yuanqian went to the Peach Grove.

            

It was already the third quarter of the Xu Hour, the time the eunuch from the Directorate of Ceremonial had arranged to meet Yao Xi.

Yuanqian went to confirm whether the man was truly Tang Huaili. Although she was eighty or ninety percent certain, a pathetic part of her still hoped: what if it isn’t him? If it was, she would break things off with him face-to-face. Yuanqian had another reason for going. Yao Xi had burned the letter, and with the wind and rain so fierce tonight, she was afraid Tang Huaili would wait too long in the grove and catch a chill. His health was already poor.

How pathetic I am, she thought. He’s already moved on to a little eunuch, and here I am, still worrying about his health.

            

Holding an umbrella, Yuanqian walked toward the Peach Grove outside Ning’an Palace, her thoughts in turmoil. What would she even say when she saw Tang Huaili? It was better not to say anything. She would just tell him Yao Xi wasn’t coming. That would count as settling things.

As she neared the grove, Yuanqian saw a figure standing in the distance, followed by several young attendants⁶—one holding an umbrella, another a lantern. Yuanqian’s heart sank. There weren’t many eunuchs in the Directorate of Ceremonial who traveled with such an entourage.

As she drew closer, Yuanqian heard a young attendant report to the man, “Master, someone is coming.”

            

Zheng Dayun had seen the appointed time come and go without any sign of Yao Xi. He’d assumed Yao Xi was angry with him and refused to meet. When his attendant announced an arrival, he quickly turned around. But the approaching person, though their face was obscured by an umbrella, was dressed as a palace maid, not a eunuch.

“Dayun?” Yuanqian recognized Zheng Dayun. Her heart felt no lighter. Perhaps Tang Huaili had sent his adopted son because the storm was too heavy, or because he was otherwise occupied.

“God—” Zheng Dayun saw it was Yuanqian and started to call her Godmother. But he immediately remembered he was outside Ning’an Palace, not his godfather Tang Huaili’s private residence, and he was surrounded by people. He swallowed the word “mother.” His godfather’s affair with Yuanqian-gugu had always been kept secret from others, on account of the Empress Dowager. Zheng Dayun had only found out two years ago when he’d gone to his godfather’s private residence to report on a matter and had accidentally run into Yuanqian-gugu. It was on that day he had started calling her Godmother.

            

Zheng Dayun’s young attendants didn’t know about the relationship between Eunuch Tang and Yuanqian-gugu. They thought Zheng Dayun, annoyed that the wrong person had shown up, had just sworn under his breath⁷. This was the Empress Dowager’s personal attendant, Yuanqian-gugu… The young attendants were terrified.

“Did Eunuch Tang send you?” Yuanqian’s voice was hoarse with grief.

It wasn’t convenient to speak with others present. Zheng Dayun had his attendants wait elsewhere. Only when they were gone did he say to Yuanqian, “Godmother, is there something you need from Godfather? Just say the word. I’m heading back to the Directorate of Ceremonial anyway, I can pass on a message for you.”

            

“Dayun, how has your godmother treated you these past two years?” Yuanqian asked.

Zheng Dayun thought about it seriously. His godmother hadn’t treated him particularly well, but she hadn’t treated him poorly either. He was away on assignment most of the year and rarely in the capital. Even when he returned, he was at the Directorate of Ceremonial, and it was difficult to even see his godmother. So he said, “Godmother has treated me impeccably. In a word: wonderfully!”

“Then you shouldn’t hide things from your godmother, should you?” Yuanqian’s voice trembled slightly.

            

Zheng Dayun thought she was cold and quickly took off his cloak, draping it over her shoulders. “Of course not,” he said. “In my heart, Godmother is my own mother.” He was being sincere. He saw Eunuch Tang as his own father, and he knew of the affection between Eunuch Tang and Yuanqian-gugu.

“Then tell your godmother, what are you doing here tonight?” Yuanqian asked.

Zheng Dayun was a little embarrassed. Rushing into the palace through a storm just for a secret rendezvous with a little eunuch… how could he say that out loud? But since Yao Xi hadn’t shown up, telling Yuanqian-gugu wouldn’t hurt. He could even ask her for information. So he answered honestly, “I have taken a liking to a little eunuch who works in Her Majesty the Empress Dowager’s palace. I came today because I wanted to have a few words with him…”

            

Ah… so the eunuch from the Directorate of Ceremonial was Zheng Dayun! For the first time all day, a smile appeared on Yuanqian’s face. Her expression instantly softened. She smiled at Zheng Dayun and said, “That little eunuch is Yao Xi, isn’t he? Godmother came to tell you that Yao Xi is tied up with a task and can can’t get away. The storm is so heavy, Godmother was worried you’d catch a cold waiting for so long, so I came out specially to let you know.”

“How did Godmother know it was me looking for him?” Zheng Dayun had specifically told the eunuch who delivered the gifts to Ning’an Palace not to reveal his name. Yao Xi would naturally know it was him after reading the letter. How did Yuanqian-gugu find out?

“How else? Yao Xi told me, of course!” Yuanqian patted Zheng Dayun’s shoulder, gratified. “Yao Xi is a good child. He has a good face and a clean heart. Godmother gives you both her blessing.”

            

After meeting with Zheng Dayun, the knot in Yuanqian-gugu’s heart was untied. She returned to Ning’an Palace, her face beaming with the radiance of spring. Her good mood made her steps light and quick.

Wan Bi looked up at Yuanqian, who was practically overflowing with joy. The woman had been gone for a short while and returned wearing a man’s cloak. Wan Bi asked, her tone rich with meaning, “Yo! Who did our Maiden go out to see?”

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