The Alley Was Always This Long – Chapter 61

Birthday

“I will kiss you.”

[fcnt content="A central thematic concept (ài de gèng shǎo de rén, shì xiǎng de gèng shǎo, kuàilè gèng duō de rén) suggesting that loving less provides emotional safety and simpler joy."]The one who loves less is the one who thinks less and has more happiness.[/fcnt]

            

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Cheng Xiang lowered her head, the toe of her shoe scuffing the ground twice. “What would I even dare to think?” she mumbled softly.

Tao Tianran fished a business card out of her bag and held it out to Cheng Xiang. “Although I once said business cards can be faked, this one isn’t.”

“Let me introduce myself formally again. My name is Tao Tianran. If you’re curious, the Cantonese pronunciation is TO, Tin Yin. I’m a jewelry designer at Kunpu, and not long ago, I won the 「AGTA Spectrum Award」², so you should be able to find me if you search online.”

            

“In my sophomore year of high school, I moved with my parents from Gangdao to Beicheng. I was originally supposed to transfer to Attached Seventh High School, but because my father’s company registered in a different district, I transferred to another private high school instead.”

“The identity card I showed you last time was real, and the birth date on it was also real. So, a week from now is my birthday. Standing here right now, I wanted to ask if you could say ‘happy birthday’ to me.”

Cheng Xiang ground her toe into the pavement again. “But… there’s still a whole week left.”

            

“Yes,” Tao Tianran agreed with a nod, her voice thick with restraint. “I was a bit impatient.”

She had always felt there would be time for everything, that the person she left behind would wait for her forever.

Every time she finished working overtime and pushed open the door, Xiao Xiang would be wearing her onesie, her slippers pattering on the floor as she rushed to meet her.

            

But in the end, Tao Tianran realized that wasn’t true.

So she had grown impatient. That was why she was standing here tonight, a week before her actual birthday, desperately needing to grasp onto something.

Cheng Xiang stared at her blankly for a moment. “Why me?”

            

“Hmm?”

“Why is it… me for you?”

Cheng Xiang’s question was muddled and vague, but Tao Tianran understood.

            

She gazed softly at Cheng Xiang. “Do you want to know?”

Back in Cheng Xiang’s junior year, on the night she had confessed her feelings and Tao Tianran had agreed to be her girlfriend, Cheng Xiang had also asked her, “Why me?”

The moonlight that night was tranquil, casting its glow over the sweeping groves of green bamboo at the Academy of Fine Arts. The wind rustled through the leaves, sounding like a gentle shower of rain. Back then, her mind was filled with fragmented, unwritten sentences, but she only teased Cheng Xiang: “I’m not telling.”

            

“Huh? Why not?”

“Mmh, I can’t say it now.”

“Come on, tell me, Tao Tianran.” Cheng Xiang had tagged along by her side, walking forward one moment, then spinning around to walk backward just to look at her face. “Hey, Tao Tianran, just tell me!”

            

She hadn’t said it, always feeling there was no need for words.

Later on, she never had the chance to say it again.

A very, very long time later, Tao Tianran stood beneath this old, plain office building. Around them, streams of office workers filed out, while behind them, a convenience store cast a warm, white glow. A loudspeaker hung by its door, blaring a promotional loop: “Spend thirty-nine, get ten off!”

            

It felt like countless ordinary moments they had once bypassed, lost, and could never truly possess again.

Restraining herself, Tao Tianran slightly curled her fingers. “Do you want to know?” she asked Cheng Xiang.

Cheng Xiang opened her mouth, closed it, and finally said in a rapid flurry, “No, no, no, I don’t.”

            

She stole a swift glance at Tao Tianran. “Actually… my stomach really hurts a bit.”

Tao Tianran stepped aside. “All right, then.”

Cheng Xiang gave the strap of her canvas shoulder bag a little tug. “Well… I’ll be going now.”

            

She dashed off in a flash.

She wondered if her acting had been a bit too clumsy. Tao Tianran hadn’t asked if she needed medicine, nor had she offered to drive her home; she had simply stepped aside to clear an escape route for her.

Tao Tianran let out a long breath and walked over to the curb to unlock her car.

            

She reached up to adjust the rearview mirror, her own face reflecting in the glass.

For the first time, she realized just how clumsy she was, how incredibly cautious. She questioned whether she had been too impatient, scaring Cheng Xiang like a startled fancy rat³ that couldn’t wait to scurry back into its burrow.

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When Cheng Xiang got home, she sat cross-legged on her bed, clutching her phone and typing frantically into the search bar.

            

She typed in: 「Tao Tianran」.

Instantly, a massive wave of news articles flooded the screen, leaving her overwhelmed.

Cheng Xiang tossed her phone aside and rolled across the bed, kicking her slender calves up and swinging them back and forth.

            

This was so incredibly embarrassing! Why had she never thought to search for Tao Tianran online before?

Frankly, she couldn’t really blame herself—it wasn’t as if she had anyone in her social circle famous enough to have their own online encyclopedia entry!

Cheng Xiang lay flat on her back, staring up at the seam where the phoenix tree branches met the eaves of the roof.

            

The next day, she had barely walked into the office clutching her jianbing⁴ when her colleagues swarmed her desk. “Xiangzi!”

Pretending to be calm, Cheng Xiang booted up her computer. “What is it?”

One of them perched on the edge of her desk and reached out to snatch the jianbing from her hands. “Hey, stop eating for a second. Come on, spill—who was that stunning beauty who came looking for you yesterday?”

            

Pfft. Their tone was way too dramatic.

“No one special, just a friend.”

“How on earth do you know her? She was carrying a Bolide!”

            

Cheng Xiang looked up. “What’s a Hermès Bolide⁵?”

Her colleague nudged her shoulder. “Are you for real? It’s Hermès! You can’t even get one without buying a mountain of other store items first, yet she was carrying it so casually, like it was just some cheap handbag.”

“Oh. Well, that’s just her lifestyle.”

            

“So how do you actually know her?”

“Just… a friend of a friend.” Cheng Xiang didn’t want to get into the details and tried to brush it off.

“Is she a model?”

            

“No.”

“What does she do?”

“Stop prying into her private life.”

            

“Someone that gorgeous must have a boyfriend, right?”

Cheng Xiang suddenly blurted out, much too loudly, “There’s no way she has a boyfriend!”

“You scared the life out of me!” Her colleague clutched her chest. “If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Why are you shouting?”

            

“Agh, the boss is coming! Give me back my breakfast.” Cheng Xiang snatched her jianbing back. “Hurry up and get back to your desks!”

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For the next week, Tao Tianran didn’t contact Cheng Xiang at all.

Tao Tianran’s birthday was on Friday. After work on Thursday, Cheng Xiang slung her canvas bag over her shoulder and headed to a baking studio to make a small birthday cake.

            

There was no automatic rotating turntable to spread the frosting, so she had to spread the frosting herself with a spatula. It looked incredibly crude—the kind of look she’d jokingly justify as ‘artisanal’ or ‘rustic.’ It was hilarious.

Cheng Xiang asked the owner, “It’ll still be edible if I keep it in the fridge until tomorrow, right?”

“No guarantees.”

            

“Huh?” Cheng Xiang was dumbfounded. “But I need it tomorrow.”

“Then why not make it tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow… I don’t know if I’ll have the time.”

            

“Well, just keep it cold. It should be fine.”

“Can I leave it in your fridge?” If she brought this back home, Director Ma⁶ would never stop prying.

Cheng Xiang took the bus to Qin Ziqiao’s place.

            

Qin Ziqiao opened the door in a onesie. “So late?”

Cheng Xiang stood in the doorway. “Want to catch a movie?”

“What?” Qin Ziqiao blinked, startled.

            

“Come on, let’s go. That indie theater nearby is screening the latest Hayao Miyazaki animation.”

“Oh, I know that one. What was it called… 《Live However You Want》?”

“…Is there any chance it’s actually called 《How Do You Live?》?”

            

“I’ll pass. Changing out of these clothes is too much of a hassle.”

“Come on! I already bought the tickets. All you do is face capybaras and the green onions on your balcony every day—it’s too boring!”

Qin Ziqiao finally changed her clothes and headed out with Cheng Xiang.

            

Near the small apartment Qin Ziqiao rented was a boutique private theater that screened films after they had finished their main theatrical runs. Cheng Xiang bought the tickets, and Qin Ziqiao bought a popcorn and soda combo. Each of them had a cup of cola, with the popcorn sitting on the coffee table in front of their love seat.

On screen, a young boy followed a talking heron into an abandoned, mysterious tower, unexpectedly stumbling into a fantastical world of the dead.

Staring at the dimly lit projection screen, Cheng Xiang felt the faint stickiness of sweet syrup on her fingers as she reached for the popcorn.

            

Only now, sitting in this private theater with the surround-sound speakers filling the room with lively noise, did she finally dare to let her mind drift back to that moment from last Friday.

Tao Tianran stood beneath the flashing neon lights, saying softly, “You can dare to do anything.”⁷

Cheng Xiang pursed her lips, over and over.

            

It was a truly unfamiliar sensation.

For instance, checking her phone countless times over the past week only to find WeChat completely silent, then opening a music app just to pretend she was doing something else.

Or wanting so desperately to see her, yet simultaneously dreading it.

            

Or even secretly wishing, deep down, that she would never contact her again.

Cheng Xiang had no idea why she would think that, or why she would wish that Tao Tianran would just never contact her again.

In the dim glow of the projection screen, she turned to look at her old friend. Sensing her gaze, Qin Ziqiao asked, “What’s wrong?”

            

Cheng Xiang shook her head.

Even if she asked Qin Ziqiao, it wasn’t as if she would have an answer.

Was this what it felt like to like someone?

            

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Friday came, and still, there was no word from Tao Tianran.

Cheng Xiang opened WeChat, then closed it.

She stayed like that until it was time to leave. Her colleagues called out to her, “Aren’t you off yet, Xiangzi?”

            

“You guys go ahead. I’ll leave in a bit.”

She dawdled by herself before finally stepping out of the office building and walking over to yesterday’s baking studio.

After picking up the cake, she walked out to the street, idly kicked a small pebble, and sat down on the edge of a flowerbed, placing the cake box beside her.

            

The small cake box was a lovely pastel blue, topped with a neatly tied bow. A passing girl shot her a curious glance.

Cheng Xiang checked WeChat again. Still no new messages.

After a moment’s thought, she stood up and walked toward the bus stop, carrying the cake box.

            

She rarely visited Beicheng’s CBD area anyway—it always reeked of extravagant luxury. Cheng Xiang remembered reading complaints on Little X Book⁸ about the supermarkets here, where a tiny, palm-sized container of cherries cost two hundred yuan. It was absolutely terrifying.

She couldn’t even explain to herself why she had ended up here, standing right outside the office building of the Kunpu corporation.

Go upstairs to find Tao Tianran? No way. She hadn’t even thought about calling her.

            

She stood downstairs for a while, clutching the cake box.

Then, in an instant, Cheng Xiang bolted faster than a frightened rabbit.

She actually saw Tao Tianran!

            

Tao Tianran was walking down with a young woman. That woman’s looks… how should she describe them?

Was it even possible for an Asian person to have that much hair? Yet the face framed by that voluminous, curly hair was undeniably East Asian. She had captivating, amber eyes like a cat, and her nose was cat-like too—button-small and slightly upturned, adorned with a tiny, light-brown mole at the tip.

When she spoke, she had a habit of narrowing her thick eyelashes, giving her a languidly charming, aloof air.

            

But as she chatted with Tao Tianran, she was smiling.

Standing at the foot of the office building, she handed a small box to Tao Tianran.

Tao Tianran took it and opened it. From this distance, Cheng Xiang couldn’t see clearly, but she caught a brief flash of light reflecting off what appeared to be some kind of jewelry.

            

Suddenly, Cheng Xiang spun around and ran.

She didn’t even bother heading to the bus stop, simply hailing a taxi and hopping inside while cradling her cake box.

After getting out of the cab, she sat down on the curb beneath a slightly rusted streetlight. Untying the ribbon, she pulled out the cake and, using the plastic knife, began shoveling large chunks of it directly into her mouth.

            

With her cheeks bulging, she thumped her chest with her fist.

Oh my god. She had almost choked herself to death.

And had this cake already gone bad? Why did it taste subtly sour? She hoped she wouldn’t get diarrhea after eating this.

            

Cheng Xiang chewed mechanically, her feet turned inward, staring blankly into the night through the light filtered by her eyelashes.

When her phone suddenly vibrated in her pocket, she leaped up almost by reflex. She stuffed the half-eaten cake box into a nearby trash can and bolted back toward her family’s siheyuan⁹.

By the time she burst through the front door, she hadn’t even finished swallowing the cream in her mouth. Mumbling a vague response to Director Ma, who was asking if she had worked overtime again, she slipped into her bedroom and locked the door. In her pocket, her phone was still vibrating, buzz, buzz.

            

Cheng Xiang leaned her back against the door and fished out her phone to take a look.

It was a call from Tao Tianran.

Cheng Xiang steadied her breathing and answered, “Hello?”

            

Her tone was so quiet and calm that Tao Tianran paused for a couple of seconds on the other end before saying softly, “Hello.”

“It’s so late,” Cheng Xiang asked. “Is something wrong?”

Tao Tianran was quiet for a moment before replying, “No, nothing’s wrong.”

            

“Oh.”

“What are you doing?”

“It’s late. I’m about to go to sleep.”

            

“Mmh, okay.” Tao Tianran said softly, “Good night.”

Cheng Xiang mumbled a “good night” in response and hung up.

She stood leaning against the door for half a minute. Suddenly, she pulled it open, slipped out of her room when Director Ma wasn’t looking, and sneaked out of the house.

            

Once she was outside, she began to run as fast as her legs could carry her.

Sure enough, a tall, slender silhouette stood beneath the streetlamp just outside her family’s courtyard.

It’s so strange, Cheng Xiang thought, how did I know she was standing outside my house when she called?

            

But she had simply known.

Tao Tianran watched as Cheng Xiang ran toward her.

Cheng Xiang had many of these oversized plaid shirts. Because her shoulders were narrow, the loose collar slipped off one side as she ran, revealing the hoodie she wore underneath. Her shadow shrank into a tight little bundle beneath her feet, and as she dashed along, strands of her fine, soft chestnut hair stuck to her cheeks.

            

Tao Tianran stood quietly, watching Cheng Xiang slow her pace over the last few steps and come to a halt in front of her.

“Didn’t I say… I was getting ready for bed?” Cheng Xiang panted slightly.

Tao Tianran nodded. “You did.”

            

“Then why haven’t you left yet?”

A gentle, moonlit warmth filled Tao Tianran’s dark eyes. “I know.”

Cheng Xiang glanced at her.

            

“So why did you come back out? Can’t sleep?”

“It’s not that I can’t sleep.” Cheng Xiang brushed her bangs aside.

“Will you accompany me somewhere?”

            

Tao Tianran’s car was parked at the mouth of the alley. Cheng Xiang followed her into the car. They drove for about half an hour, weaving through countless old hutongs before finally pulling over in an older district of the city.

The two of them got out of the car. Cheng Xiang looked up and realized they were standing before a massive clock tower.

The red bricks were ancient, scarred and mottled by time. On the slightly yellowed clock face, the hands had a heavy, rustic simplicity.

            

“Do you want to go up?” Tao Tianran asked.

“Huh?” Cheng Xiang was taken aback. “Are we allowed up there?”

“Yes.” Tao Tianran fished a key from her pocket. The wooden entrance door was quite low, requiring her to bend down slightly. “My next design project involves a collaboration with this place, so they gave me a key.”

            

Both of them had to hunch their backs to squeeze through the low wooden door.

A towering spiral staircase wound all the way to the top. Cheng Xiang followed close behind Tao Tianran, her breath catching slightly as they climbed.

The space at the top was surprisingly spacious, yet they still couldn’t stand fully upright. It was packed with the clockwork machinery behind the massive face—giant metal components connected by axles. If one listened closely, the rhythmic click-clack of the shifting mechanisms could be heard.

            

It felt as if they had crawled right into the inner workings of time itself.

For some reason, things of such immense scale always felt incredibly romantic.

Like the cosmos. Like the starry sky. Like this ancient clock tower right before them.

            

Cheng Xiang stood by the landing. The light was dim; no lights were on inside the clock tower, save for the glow of the streetlamps filtering through the translucent clock face. Wearing a long trench coat, Tao Tianran threaded through the machinery, one hand resting on the metal components.

“Be careful,” Cheng Xiang warned. “Don’t trip.”

“I won’t. I come here often.” Tao Tianran asked, “Do you want to come over?”

            

“I can’t see a thing.”

Tao Tianran retraced her steps, turning into a blurred silhouette in front of Cheng Xiang. Her features were obscured by the darkness, but Cheng Xiang could feel her long hair sweeping past, carrying a cool, crisp fragrance. The silhouette of a hand reached out in the gloom. Cheng Xiang pursed her lips before placing her hand in hers.

Then, she softly asked, “Are you cold?” Her hand was still so chilly.

            

“A little.”

Hearing this, Cheng Xiang’s fingers curled slightly as she squeezed Tao Tianran’s hand back.

Tao Tianran led her forward, as if they were walking hand in hand through time.

            

“Watch your step.”

“Watch out for what?”

Tao Tianran’s voice floated back through the darkness. “It’s almost midnight. When the clock strikes, remember to cover your ears.”

            

She pulled her phone out with her other hand, its faint glow illuminating her elegant, refined face. “You have exactly two minutes and thirty-six seconds left to wish me a happy birthday.”

She slipped the phone back into her pocket, and her face vanished into the darkness once more.

Cheng Xiang asked, “Then why did you wait until this late to contact me?”

            

Tao Tianran remained silent for a moment.

“Actually… I went to your office building.”

Tao Tianran turned her head. “You went to my office?”

            

“I wasn’t looking for you! I didn’t want to find you. It’s just…” Cheng Xiang felt herself babbling. “Anyway, I saw you going downstairs with a colleague. She gave you a birthday gift.”

“Mmh, her name is Yu Yusheng. And she wasn’t giving me a birthday present; she was bringing me the sample castings of my previous design.”

Who asked you what your colleague’s name was! Still, it was a pretty nice name.

            

Tao Tianran took a step closer to her. “Xiao Xiang.”

“Why do you have to be like this?” Cheng Xiang suddenly asked.

“Like what?”

            

“Why do you suddenly appear in my life, only to quietly disappear? Why did you add me on WeChat but barely say anything? Why did you demand a ‘happy birthday’ from me, yet ignore me the entire day? And why, when you didn’t bother to contact me all day, do you suddenly show up when your birthday is almost over?!”

Cheng Xiang hadn’t actually misunderstood her relationship with that colleague. It was just that the people around Tao Tianran were always so visually defined, serving as an all-too-vivid reminder of the vast gulf that separated their two worlds.

I don’t want to go on like this, Cheng Xiang thought. This constant state of worry and insecurity is really frustrating.

            

Tao Tianran listened quietly until she finished. “Because I’m clumsy,” she said.

The soft, simple words instantly cut off whatever Cheng Xiang was about to say next.

“I’m not as smart as I seem to you.” Tao Tianran spoke with absolute sincerity.

            

She really wasn’t as clever as she appeared. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have taken her so long to realize how deeply she loved Xiao Xiang. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have had to traverse countless loops just to find her Xiao Xiang again. Otherwise, she wouldn’t look so clumsy now that she was finally standing in front of her again, unable to find the right pace or strike the perfect balance between approaching and keeping her distance.

She remembered a past birthday.

Cheng Xiang had been sitting on her lap.

            

“Tao Tianran, this is my birthday present to you.”

Tao Tianran had looked down at her slender wrist to see a black hair tie wrapped around it.

Cheng Xiang really was a strange girl.

            

She would ask Tao Tianran to give her a simple stone as a gift, yet on Tao Tianran’s birthday, she would give her a cheap hair tie.

“What does this mean?”

“Actually, I wanted to gift you some bangs, hahahaha.” Cheng Xiang said, her lips curving. “But I guess bangs wouldn’t really suit you.”

            

She had gazed at Tao Tianran with a gentle, tender smile.

How could you ever understand all the twisted little thoughts in my head, Tao Tianran?

Sometimes I’m so selfish that I want to drape a curtain of bangs over your eyes, blocking out the rest of the world so you can only look at me.

            

But in the end, I still couldn’t bear to do it, so I gave you a hair tie to tie up your long hair, letting you see this world even better.

Cheng Xiang had pressed a soft kiss against Tao Tianran’s cheek.

It’s so good, Tao Tianran, that you don’t understand these twisted little thoughts of mine.

            

The one who loves less is the one who thinks less and has more happiness.

Now, standing in the shadows of the clock tower, Tao Tianran looked at the Cheng Xiang in front of her. This time, she wanted Cheng Xiang to be the one who knew nothing, the one who was slow to realize, the one who thought less and had more happiness.

As her eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, Cheng Xiang’s pale, delicate face came into focus, her eyelashes fluttering softly.

            

“I was afraid of scaring you away,” Tao Tianran whispered.

The Cheng Xiang of this lifetime would add other people on WeChat, smile at others, dodge opportunities to meet her, and let her mind wander ever so slightly when they did meet.

Only now did Cheng Xiang realize that Tao Tianran had been holding her hand all along. She held her fingertips with incredibly light, cautious pressure, gripping only a tiny sliver of her hand.

            

Cheng Xiang suddenly realized: she actually liked Tao Tianran.

The thought surfaced in her mind out of nowhere. Love was love—so why had her mind added the word 「actually」?

It felt as if the notion of 「liking Tao Tianran」 had already existed in her mind for a very, very long time, simply waiting for her to uncover it.

            

Because she realized this when she felt how gingerly Tao Tianran was holding her fingertips—as if terrified of scaring her off, yet equally terrified of losing her—her heart swelled and squeezed with a soft, aching tenderness.

It turned out that the impulse to twirl on the way to the subway station after seeing someone wasn’t necessarily love.

The simultaneous desire and dread of seeing someone wasn’t necessarily love.

            

And the constant state of worry and insecurity over someone wasn’t necessarily love, either.

The feeling of liking someone was, in fact, sadness.

It was beginning to feel sad for her long before you ever had the chance to rejoice for her.

            

Tao Tianran remained holding just the very tips of her fingers. “There are only twenty seconds left of my birthday. I originally wanted to tell you that if the gears count down these twenty seconds and you haven’t rejected me, I will pursue you.”

“But now, I want to amend my statement.”

As Cheng Xiang’s eyes adjusted to the dimness, Tao Tianran’s elegant face became clearer. Her features were still soft in the shadow, but Cheng Xiang could make out the two tiny moles near the tail of her eyebrow.

            

Tao Tianran continued, “If the gears count down these twenty seconds and you still haven’t rejected me… I will kiss you.”

Cheng Xiang’s heart skipped a violent beat.

Tao Tianran fell quiet for a heartbeat, her gaze drinking in Cheng Xiang’s slightly widened eyes. As a few more seconds slipped away, she began to count down in a low, quiet voice: “Six.”

            

“Five.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

            

“Two.”

Amid the faint, rhythmic ticking of the ancient gears, Tao Tianran did not wait for the final second to pass. Standing in the gap between moments of time, she leaned down and kissed her.

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