The Alley Was Always This Long – Chapter 43
by Little PandaShura Field
Qiao Zhiji stood in the darkness, watching them.
[You are beautiful all over,
Just like “Regret” itself.]
Afterward, the crowd did not return to the dining table.
Holding their wine glasses, they strolled about casually, or stood by the edge of the terrace, looking out at the fireworks over the coastline.
Qiao Zhiji, holding a wine glass, walked toward Cheng Xiang. Oh boy. Cheng Xiang gripped her glass tightly, feeling a bit nervous.
Eldest Miss Yu, please don’t get excited. I really don’t want to faint again.
Qiao Zhiji rested one hand on the edge of the terrace and watched the fireworks for a while before turning her head to glance at Cheng Xiang. She tilted her wine glass over, lightly clinking it against Cheng Xiang’s glass. “Here’s to no more regrets in the future.”
Cheng Xiang smiled faintly.
Qiao Zhiji asked, “What are you laughing at?”
Cheng Xiang’s voice was low as she gazed at the fireworks bursting on the horizon. “That’s impossible.”
When she had collapsed on the zebra crossing, she had also thought: If only I had a little more time. If only there was time to make up for all my regrets.
But.
When her soul was wandering the human realm.
Perhaps she had leaned against a tree branch on Tao Tianran’s route home from work, dangling her legs, and watched the sunset with Tao Tianran.
Perhaps she had flown to the movie theater, and when Tao Tianran drove past a giant movie poster, she had struck a funny pose and turned herself into one of the characters on the poster.
Perhaps, amidst the continuous bursts of Spring Festival fireworks, after visiting Director Ma and Deputy Director Cheng, she had quietly sat in Tao Tianran’s passenger seat and watched the play of light and shadow outside the window with her as she drove aimlessly through the streets.
Were there no more regrets? If everything she had wanted to do, hadn’t done, or hadn’t had time to do, had now been done.
Cheng Xiang finally understood.
Failing to be with the person you like is “Regret” itself.
By the time the dinner ended, it was already very late.
After taking a shower, Cheng Xiang rubbed her hair with a bath towel and picked up the hairdryer. Eldest Miss Yu’s long, curly hair was truly too thick; she always had to hold the hairdryer up until her arms ached.
Just halfway through blow-drying, she suddenly put down the hairdryer.
Grabbing her room key, she crossed the long corridor to knock on Tao Tianran’s door.
She was wearing a short-sleeved T-shirt and loose shorts, her head of curly hair puffed up on her shoulders, half-dry. When Tao Tianran opened the door and saw her outfit, she immediately furrowed her brow.
It was too much like Cheng Xiang.
Cheng Xiang lowered her voice and asked, “What are you doing?”
Tao Tianran frowned. “What do you mean?”
Just then, there was a faint sound from the end of the corridor. Cheng Xiang and Tao Tianran both turned their heads.
Hahaha, Cheng Xiang wanted to laugh out loud again. Because Qiao Zhiji was standing there with one hand resting on her own door, watching them in the darkness.
Why were there so many people awake in the middle of the night? What kind of melodramatic Shura field1 was this? Even the author of a Green River sweet novel2 wouldn’t dare write it like this.
Cheng Xiang said in her heart: I’m sorry, Eldest Miss Yu, but I really have urgent business right now.
Qiao Zhiji’s gaze nailed into Cheng Xiang’s spine like a prickle on her back. Cheng Xiang felt like she had turned into a porcupine. But she kept her voice low as she called out to Tao Tianran, “Come out with me.”
“I don’t have time,” Tao Tianran said, attempting to close the door.
Cheng Xiang pressed a step closer. Tao Tianran didn’t look like she had showered yet; she was still wearing the same white shirt and dress pants from earlier. There was a clear scent of alcohol on her, mixed into the cold fragrance that always surrounded her. In the dim light of the room, Cheng Xiang caught a glimpse of a newly opened bottle of whiskey on the writing desk.
“Teacher Tao.” Cheng Xiang reached out to brace the door, her posture unyielding. “Then I’ll just stay right here.”
Tao Tianran parted her lips, and finally turned around to grab her room key.
Cheng Xiang walked a step ahead of her, hurrying down the stairs.
Behind them, at the end of the corridor, Qiao Zhiji closed her door with a creak.
Cheng Xiang led Tao Tianran all the way downstairs.
In the darkness, there was only the rustle of their footsteps, reminding Cheng Xiang of the night they were given time off two days before the college entrance exam.
Tao Tianran had been called away by a teacher, leaving Cheng Xiang alone when she returned to the classroom. Hugging her backpack, Cheng Xiang sat in front of Tao Tianran’s desk and looked up with a smile.
Tao Tianran walked back to her seat, packing her bag as she asked, “Not leaving yet?”
“I’m leaving.” Cheng Xiang slung her backpack on and stood up, gently tucking her chair back under the desk.
She turned to ask Tao Tianran, “Are you leaving?”
“Mm.”
The two walked out of the classroom together. Cheng Xiang turned off the lights, her slender, pale fingertips lightly brushing the switch.
She carried her backpack downstairs, Tao Tianran’s quiet footsteps sounding behind her. With two steps left, she leaped down. The little bear pendant on her backpack swayed lightly as the tips of her canvas shoes tapped softly on the ground.
She asked Tao Tianran, “Actually, are you scared of the college entrance exam?”
“What?”
“I’m scared to death,” Cheng Xiang said. “I feel like throwing up.”
Tao Tianran adjusted the strap of her backpack. “Just do your best.”
“Wow, Tao Tianran.” The corners of Cheng Xiang’s lips curled up. “You wouldn’t happen to be encouraging me, would you?”
Tao Tianran’s face was bathed in the glow of the streetlamp; she didn’t even raise an eyebrow.
The two of them walked one after another past the bushes. The early summer bugs flapped their wings, bumping into the dim yellow light beneath the lamp cover.
Cheng Xiang suddenly ran a few steps ahead, turning around to walk backward, facing Tao Tianran.
“Let me tell you something.”
“Mm.”
“Wang Mengrou cried today.”
Tao Tianran looked at her quietly.
“Oh my god, Tao Tianran.” Cheng Xiang’s eyes widened perfectly round. “You’ve been transferred here for over a year, and you still don’t know who Wang Mengrou is?”
Tao Tianran’s long eyelashes fluttered slightly.
“Tch.” Cheng Xiang pursed her lips. “Don’t mess with me, okay? Hey, Tao Tianran, did you get your 2B pencils ready?”
“Mm.”
“What about the HB ones?”
“Mm.”
“You better put your name and phone number on your file folder, just in case you lose it.” Cheng Xiang rubbed her nose, feeling like her tone sounded exactly like her own mother, Director Ma.
“Mm.”
“Tao Tianran, what would it cost you to say two more words?”
“What would it cost.”
“I’m asking you what it would cost.”
“What would it cost.” That was exactly what Tao Tianran meant—what could it possibly cost.
Cheng Xiang blinked and laughed. “You really are…”
They walked all the way to the school gate. In the early summer, the security guard, Grandpa Zhang, was still holding a thermos cup. Cheng Xiang greeted him, “Grandpa Zhang.”
“Xiangzi, haven’t left yet?” Cheng Xiang was a little chatterbox; even the gate guard knew her.
“Leaving right now.”
“Good luck on the exam.”
“Don’t wish me luck.” Cheng Xiang waved her hand. “I can’t take any more luck, if you add any more it’ll overflow.”
The old man laughed. He tapped the remote in his palm, pressed a small red button, and the iron gate, as tall as a person, began to slowly close from left to right. “Sending off another batch of seniors.”
The main gate of Attached Seventh High School didn’t work perfectly. At the very end, there was always a narrow gap left that required someone to manually push it shut.
Carrying her backpack, Cheng Xiang went over and helped Grandpa Zhang push the gate.
Tao Tianran stood off to the side, watching the little bear swaying on her backpack.
Finally, Cheng Xiang patted the iron gate. She looked up at the gold-stamped words “Attached Seventh High School,” raised her hand, and waved at Grandpa Zhang. “Well, I’m off.”
A long time later, when Cheng Xiang had appeared in the guise of Yu Yusheng, Tao Tianran walked with her down the stairs in the dead of night. It was very quiet all around, with only the rustle of their footsteps to be heard, and it made Tao Tianran think of that late night before the college entrance exam too.
She remembered asking Cheng Xiang, “What is that hanging on your backpack?”
“Hm?” Cheng Xiang pulled her hand back from the iron gate and fiddled with the little pendant on her bag. “A bear.”
“Why hang this messy stuff?”
“What do you mean messy?” Cheng Xiang stomped her foot. “It’s clearly very cute, okay?”
“Why a bear?”
“No particular reason, I just saw it in the stationery store and thought it was cute, so I bought it. But Tao Tianran,” Cheng Xiang said as she walked beside her, turning her head to study her. “You sure said a lot just now.”
“Mm.”
“Ha! Back to fewer words again.”
Tao Tianran hadn’t understood many things back then.
She didn’t understand why girls needed to hang little pendants on their backpacks. She didn’t understand what was so cute about a plush bear.
She also didn’t understand why Cheng Xiang, on her way out of the campus, had to touch the light switch, step on the stairs, and finally pat the iron gate at the entrance.
It was only a long time later that she realized: those were Cheng Xiang’s farewells, one after another.
Goodbye, classroom. This is where Tao Tianran accidentally poked my bra strap with her fountain pen.
Goodbye, hallway. During P.E. class, I purposely ran past Tao Tianran making loud thud-thud-thud sounds, but she didn’t even spare me a glance.
Goodbye, school gate. One day Qin Ziqiao and I were walking in while eating jianbing3, and I suddenly saw Tao Tianran. I took a huge bite of tenderloin and tried to swallow it down in a panic, and nearly choked myself to death.
As a result… I threw up.
And Tao Tianran saw it, and even handed me a tissue. I could die.
Tao Tianran recalled that the last time they left the high school campus, Cheng Xiang had walked beside her carrying her dual-strap backpack, chattering away as usual. Yet on her palm-sized face, her smile was very quiet, and the bugs that had just been bumping against the streetlamps flew over to kiss her eyelashes.
Goodbye, my once in a lifetime encounter4 with youth.
She laughed lightly and gracefully, pressing her hands against her backpack straps as she skipped forward, then turned back to look at Tao Tianran.
For some reason, Cheng Xiang had felt even back then that every moment she shared with Tao Tianran was a once-in-a-lifetime encounter, so she needed to bid farewell with solemnity.
Perhaps she’d had a premonition even then.
That Tao Tianran herself would become one of her regrets.
Cheng Xiang led Tao Tianran outside the villa.
The convertible Tao Tianran had rented was parked there. A local young man, currently smoking a cigarette, was leaning against the car door.
Cheng Xiang told Tao Tianran, “Get in.”
“Where are we going?” Tao Tianran stood by the door.
Cheng Xiang screamed internally, My dear lady, please just get in the car. Didn’t you see Qiao Zhiji looking down from the window just now?
“You’ll know in a minute.”
Tao Tianran finally pulled open the rear door and got in.
Cheng Xiang sat in the passenger seat and hurriedly told the man to drive.
Her English was only average. As a kid who grew up in the hutongs, she had never been abroad before. Fortunately, after transmigrating into Yu Yusheng’s body, she had mastered this body’s skills. For instance, she was now quite good at hand-drawing, and she could easily chat with local youths.
The young man asked, “Why did you hire a driver if you have a car?”
“We drank alcohol.”
The young man shot her a strange look.
Cheng Xiang was a bit bewildered. “Isn’t that drunk driving? That’s not allowed.”
“Here, we drive all the time after drinking. Because we love to drink so much, the police don’t care.”
“Huh?” Cheng Xiang was dumbfounded. “Y-y-you… you didn’t drink just now too, did you?”
The young man took one hand off the steering wheel and held up his fingers to indicate a small amount. “Just a little bit.”
Cheng Xiang thought: A little bit. Well, that should be fine.
The young man continued, “Less than a dozen beers, plus a little bit of whiskey. Actually, our local sea coconut wine is also good, but the alcohol content is too low, no kick. It drinks like a sweet beverage.”
What the hell! Cheng Xiang felt a little exasperated. It would have been better to let Tao Tianran drive herself.
She turned her head to look back.
Tao Tianran was leaning back in the rear seat, her head turned slightly as she gazed blankly at the road. The deep night was perfectly silent; the ocean was no longer visible, only the gentle wash of the waves could be heard—rush-rush, rush-rush—swaying lightly, like memories running amok.
“Teacher Tao.”
“Mm.”
“Are you sleepy?”
“I’m alright.”
The car drove all the way into the city until it finally stopped. Tao Tianran raised her eyes and saw towering streetlamps shining with a warm yellow glow, holding up the classic McDonald’s logo.
Cheng Xiang came around from the passenger seat and pulled open the rear door. “Get out.”
Tao Tianran stepped out of the car.
Cheng Xiang led her inside. “What do you want to eat? I’ll go buy it?”
Tao Tianran furrowed her brow slightly and stopped in her tracks. “Why are we eating McDonald’s during the Spring Festival?”
“Did you even eat those dumplings?!” Cheng Xiang whipped her head around at once. “I was watching you! You only ate one and a half dumplings! And that half doesn’t even count as a half, it was a third!”
When Cheng Xiang was little, Director Ma used to scold her all the time: “When it’s time to eat, eat. Stop playing around.”
Now that she was witnessing someone half-assing their meals with her own eyes, it truly frustrated her.
Tao Tianran fell silent for a moment, then asked, “What were you doing watching me?”
“I…”
Cheng Xiang really wanted to roar: What do you mean, what was I doing watching you?!
She raised her hand, but had absolutely no idea what motion she was trying to make. It hovered in the air for a long time, before finally, gently, falling onto Tao Tianran’s shoulder. She squeezed it hard. “You’ve lost so much weight that it looks terrible, do you know that?”
Tao Tianran still merely looked at her quietly.
Oh, great. Physical appearance attacks are ineffective against beauties; they auto-stack armor5.
Cheng Xiang took a deep breath. “You really have lost a lot of weight recently. A lot.”
The two stood quietly beneath the streetlamp. The lights of McDonald’s always held a warm illusion, as if all the liveliness would never dissipate.
Tao Tianran parted her lips, and finally said, “I want to eat liangpi.”
“You want what?” Cheng Xiang suspected she had misheard.
“I want… to eat liangpi.”
Cheng Xiang wanted to laugh out loud again.
Were beauties just born this capricious or what? Were people like her, who weren’t beautiful enough, just fated to be beasts of burden?
Tao Tianran, Teacher Tao, on the very day of the Spring Festival, in the distant East African Indian Ocean archipelago of Seychelles, had nonchalantly told her that she wanted to eat liangpi.
“Fine, fine, fine.” Cheng Xiang nodded through gritted teeth. “Fine, fine, fine. Get in the car, get in the car, get in the car.”
She then told the local drunk-driving youth, “Take us to a Chinese supermarket. The kind that’s open twenty-four hours.”
Cheng Xiang sat in the passenger seat, the sea breeze having thoroughly dried her long curly hair. She lowered her head and gripped her phone, searching for how to make liangpi: Mix flour, salt, and water. Knead into a smooth dough, let rest for several minutes, then begin washing the dough…
What the hell did ‘washing the dough’ mean?
Cheng Xiang put down her phone and looked out the window, unable to hold back a cold sneer.
How was this any different from asking her to make a dish of tomato and egg stir-fry, but telling her she had to start by planting tomatoes and feeding chickens?
When the car arrived at the supermarket entrance, Cheng Xiang jumped out, not even bothering to call for Tao Tianran.
Barely a few minutes after entering the supermarket, Cheng Xiang came out hugging a paper bag. She got in the car and told the driver, “Let’s go. Back to the villa.”
After getting out of the car, she paid the driver. The paper bag rested on the passenger seat, leaning against her.
She snatched it up in one motion. “Let’s go inside.”
By now, it was near dawn. A sliver of fish-belly white showed on the horizon, and the people who had set off fireworks on the beach were long gone, leaving only scattered ashes behind.
Cheng Xiang turned on the faucet to wash her hands. “Teacher Tao, let me make this clear first. There is no way I can make liangpi. I just looked at a tutorial, and while the words on it are in Chinese, I genuinely do not understand them.”
“I only managed to buy a pack of dried noodles at the Chinese supermarket.” She took out a cutting board and began to rapidly chop a fruit cucumber—chop-chop-chop. “I’ll make do with a bowl of substitute cold noodles, and you just make do and eat it.”
She was nervous as hell on the inside. If Qiao Zhiji suddenly came downstairs, how would she explain this!
Fortunately, the kitchen had all the Chinese seasonings. Cheng Xiang scooped a spoonful of sesame paste, casually poured in some vinegar and soy sauce, stirred it around, and tossed it into the noodles in a tremendous hurry.
She set it down in front of Tao Tianran, her eyes lowering to stare at a speck of sesame paste smeared on the rim of the bowl. “I’ll tell you right now, the supermarket only had this one pack of dried noodles left. I checked the expiration date; it expired three days ago.”
“Teacher Tao, you’re on your own.”
Tao Tianran was silent for a moment before picking up a chopstick-ful of noodles.
Cheng Xiang let out a breath and pulled out the chair across from her to sit down.
Tao Tianran lowered her head to take a bite, raised her eyes, and glanced at Cheng Xiang.
Cheng Xiang pressed her lips together and said nothing.
Next, Tao Tianran took a huge bite.
A huge bite.
Still taking huge bites.
Cheng Xiang’s brow furrowed. “Eat slower.”
Tao Tianran continued, stuffing the noodles coated in sesame paste into her mouth.
Cheng Xiang hesitated for a second, then reached out to snatch her bowl away. “You’d better stop eating…”
Just as Cheng Xiang reached out, Tao Tianran suddenly shoved the bowl away, stood up abruptly, covered her mouth, and hurried toward the guest bathroom on the first floor.
Cheng Xiang sat in place, her eyes downcast, for half a minute before standing up to follow.
Tao Tianran had locked the door tightly and turned on the faucet, covering up the sound of her vomiting.
Cheng Xiang stood outside the door, looking down at the seams of the retro patterned tiles, lightly grinding the tip of her toe against them.
In the past, during the time she and Tao Tianran were about to break up.
She would often cry for no reason.
Even before the thought of breaking up with Tao Tianran had popped into her head, she simply felt inexplicably sad.
Sometimes, she and Tao Tianran would be sitting at the dining table, and she would reach out with her chopsticks to pick up some tomato and egg stir-fry.
Sometimes, she and Tao Tianran would be watching a cheerful popcorn movie, and she would reach out to grab the washed strawberries on the coffee table.
Before she even had time to feel sad, she would blink her eyelashes, and tears would fall mournfully.
She would bury her head and hurry toward the restroom. “Tao Tianran, I’m going to the bathroom.”
She would flush the toilet loudly, turn on the tap, and hold onto the sink with one hand, only then daring to sniffle and use the back of her hand to wipe beneath her eyes.
Really, why am I suddenly crying.
It makes no sense.
And now, lightly grinding the floor tiles with the tip of her toe, she listened to Tao Tianran in the bathroom, who was also using the sound of running water to mask her movements.
It was just that between the two of them, one was throwing up, and the other had been crying.
Until Tao Tianran pulled open the door and walked out.
She had tidied herself up. Even her long, straight black hair was immaculate. The water marks around her mouth had been wiped dry with a tissue. Only her eye sockets were flushed with a physiological red from throwing up.
Cheng Xiang once said, “I really want to see you cry.”
But right now, she looked at Tao Tianran’s morbidly flushed eye sockets.
“What exactly are you doing?” She stood in front of Tao Tianran.
“Weren’t the cold noodles you bought expired?” Tao Tianran’s expression still revealed a cold detachment.
Cheng Xiang gazed at that small, dusty pink scar under her eye. It really looked like a teardrop.
“How long has it been since you broke up?”
The corners of Tao Tianran’s lips pressed together slightly.
“Why are you acting like you just suddenly went through a breakup?” Cheng Xiang’s tone sounded extremely impatient; she was agitated to death on the inside.
Yet Tao Tianran suddenly smiled.
“Yes,” she shuffled past Cheng Xiang in her slippers, walking forward. “That’s why for someone like me, even my sorrow is past its expiration date.”
The Spring Festival holiday ended. The partner and her wife were going to stay in Seychelles a bit longer, so Qiao Zhiji returned early along with Cheng Xiang and Tao Tianran.
The return trip was still in the luxurious first-class cabin, with the seating arrangement as follows:
To Cheng Xiang’s right sat Teacher Tao, Tao Tianran. In front of Cheng Xiang, the rustling of President Qiao, Qiao Zhiji, flipping through documents could be heard.
Great, there were only so many seats in first class, and they took up three of them.
Splendid. It couldn’t get any more splendid.
Ever since the night she had caught Cheng Xiang taking Tao Tianran away, Qiao Zhiji hadn’t spoken a word to Cheng Xiang in private. Cheng Xiang felt that the current situation was just like a cat in a hutong playing with a ball of yarn—a dead end within a dead end6.
She simply dug out her sleep mask, covered her face, and played dead.
On her right, Tao Tianran glanced at her.
Cheng Xiang thought she was truly amazing; even with a sleep mask on, she could feel Tao Tianran looking at her. What was there to look at? Wasn’t it just that her sleep mask had 「Wake me up for meals」 written on it? She had bought it specifically because she traveled so much for work now. Hadn’t Tao Tianran ever seen one before?
Feigning sleep and actually sleeping the whole way, Cheng Xiang’s body ached all over.
It wasn’t until they went to pick up their luggage that the three of them stood side by side. Cheng Xiang shrank her shoulders, staring at the slowly moving gray carousel in front of her.
Someone, anyone, please just treat her as a piece of luggage and carry her away!
The first thing the carousel spat out was Tao Tianran’s suitcase. Tao Tianran, wrapped in an ankle-length trench coat, stepped forward and lifted it up. Her movements were quite crisp, though the hem of her trench coat brushed past Cheng Xiang’s ankles, stirring up a breeze that made the coat seem empty inside.
Then, Tao Tianran, holding her suitcase, nodded at her and Qiao Zhiji, and left.
Just left like that…
Cheng Xiang was a bit dazed for a moment. For a second, she genuinely couldn’t tell if it was better for Tao Tianran to stay here, or if it was better that she left first.
Only she and Qiao Zhiji were left standing side by side.
With people, whatever you fear most is usually what happens. Cheng Xiang only hoped to grab her luggage and slip away as fast as possible, but as fate would have it, most of the people waiting for luggage had already left, and she and Qiao Zhiji were still standing there.
When she was nervous, she had a lot of little habits. She twirled the ends of her curly hair around her fingertips, or tapped the tip of her shoe lightly on the floor tiles.
Qiao Zhiji, on the other hand, stood calmly, showing no intention of speaking.
Finally, the gray carousel spat out Qiao Zhiji’s suitcase.
Qiao Zhiji stepped forward. Cheng Xiang breathed a slight sigh of relief, only to hear her ask in a low voice as she lifted her suitcase, “Is Teacher Tao the person you like now?”
Cheng Xiang froze.
The feeling was exactly like spending an entire class period on guard against the teacher calling on you to answer a question, and the teacher never does. Then, just as the dismissal bell rings and you finally breathe a sigh of relief, the teacher presses down on the sound of the bell and calls your name.
Cheng Xiang’s heart leaped suddenly again, palpitations washing over her, her vision blurring for a moment.
She forcefully suppressed the urge to raise her hand to press against her chest, telling herself internally: Eldest Miss Yu, don’t get excited. Listen to me try to talk my way out of this with President Qiao.
She clicked her tongue. “President Qiao, the thing is, it’s actually a bit complicated.”
Sigh, how should I explain this. She had been thinking about it these past few days, but still hadn’t come up with any suitable answer.
Qiao Zhiji hoisted her suitcase and swept a nonchalant, airy glance over her. “Then let’s change to a simpler question.”
She lifted her eyes, her sharp gaze shooting over. “Who exactly are you?”
Cheng Xiang’s brain buzzed.
Footnotes
- Internet slang for a highly tense, chaotic situation where multiple people with overlapping romantic or interpersonal conflicts are forced into the same space.
- A common nickname for the web novel platform Jinjiang Literature City (which has a green theme) combined with 'sweet novel,' denoting a fluffy romance story with low angst.
- A savory Chinese street food crepe made with egg, crispy fried dough, and various sauces.
- A Japanese cultural concept commonly adopted in Chinese, describing an encounter that happens only once in a lifetime, implying that every moment is unique and should be treasured.
- Gamer slang used metaphorically here to describe how Tao Tianran's exceptional beauty makes any insult about her appearance automatically bounce off.
- A metaphor comparing an inescapable, awkward situation to a tangled mess of yarn in a narrow alleyway that cannot be undone.
Wow! Will she confess? Can she? And what’s with this timing? This Qiao Zhiji is quite the nasty character.