The Alley Was Always This Long – Chapter 34

The Shower

Tao Tianran felt her skin burn.

「I want to be an old shirt¹ of yours. The old, old kind.」

            

–

Chen Chuxia asked Tao Tianran, “Speaking of which, why were you willing to go out with me back then?”

Tao Tianran paused. “No reason.”

            

Chen Chuxia’s lips curved. “I really don’t know what kind of person you would open your heart to. Or what kind of person could truly get close to you.”

Tao Tianran was silent for a long time.

Cheng Xiang had pursued Tao Tianran with spectacular fervor for five years, beginning in Year 2 of high school, before Tao Tianran finally agreed in Year 3 of university. Cheng Xiang was so happy that she threw a three-day flowing-water banquet² at an off-campus BBQ stall, treating all her friends.

            

Years later, not a single one of those she had invited that day attended her funeral. Tao Tianran stood outside the funeral home for a long time.

She had not told Tao Tianran about those three days of flowing-water banquets.

Whenever anyone asked, Cheng Xiang would grab a two-liter Coca-Cola bottle and fill their cups with a glug-glug: “Tao Tianran’s super busy, alright? There’s already a ton of companies asking her for design drafts, don’t you know?”

            

“Then, Xiangzi, how’s your comic submission going?”

“Ha, hahaha.” She pointed at someone else to change the subject. “You want Pepsi? No way! Only Coca-Cola here! If you drink Pepsi, we can’t be friends!”

Drinking too much Coke meant running to the bathroom constantly.

            

When Cheng Xiang came to the bathroom stall again, she heard two girls leave a stall and gossip as they washed their hands: “Tao Tianran actually agreed to go out with Cheng Xiang. That’s pretty surprising.”

“Just playing around.” The other one pumped soap. “Tao Tianran’s future is bright, no doubt, and she’s from a wealthy family. Cheng Xiang still wants to draw comics, but she has no talent. She’ll never make it.”

“Won’t their paths end up diverging like a Y?”

            

“Then why did Tao Tianran agree to Cheng Xiang?”

“She got used to it, that’s all! Think about it—someone’s been by your side for five years, and you don’t have anyone else you like right now.” The girl rinsed the foam from her hands. “Otherwise, look—Cheng Xiang threw a three-day flowing-water banquet, and Tao Tianran didn’t even show. She probably doesn’t want to admit their relationship in front of others.”

Cheng Xiang leaned against the stall door and stood there for a long time.

            

After the two left together, she lowered her lashes and only then pulled back the bolt and stepped out.

Clack.

The person who stepped out of the neighboring stall was actually Tao Tianran.

            

“How did you—” Cheng Xiang’s eyebrows shot up.

Tao Tianran finished washing her hands and asked Cheng Xiang, “You were treating everyone. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I just…” Cheng Xiang’s lashes drooped. “I thought you were too busy, so…”

            

Why? Cheng Xiang asked herself inwardly too. Maybe she was afraid that even if she said it, Tao Tianran wouldn’t want to come. So she didn’t say anything, as if she were being incredibly considerate.

Cheng Xiang thought of all this with her lips pressed together, the words of those two girls still echoing in her ears. Tao Tianran had been in the neighboring stall—meaning she had heard everything Cheng Xiang just heard. Cheng Xiang had delicate features, but her eyes were round, her lips a little pouty, and she pressed them together hard.

Tao Tianran took a step closer. “Xiao Xiang.”

            

Cheng Xiang’s tightly pressed lips parted with a soft pop, and she immediately smiled, waving her hand. “You heard what they said. I know they’re talking nonsense. I get it, I get it. You don’t need to explain anything.”

“Hey, I washed my hands, let’s get out of here. The bathroom smell isn’t great, huh?” She hurriedly turned on the faucet, her lashes still drooping.

Tao Tianran stood behind her.

            

After she finished washing her hands, she left the bathroom listlessly.

The moment she reached the flowing-water banquet, Cheng Xiang’s lashes suddenly lifted again. Her cheeks puffed slightly, as if she were pumping herself up.

In the crowd, she always seemed to be the brightest, most energetic, most vibrant one.

            

Tao Tianran watched her from the side.

The people sitting around the BBQ tables saw them from afar. One girl immediately nudged the person next to her. That person had been holding a skewer of squid and grinning, but now lowered their gaze and looked over.

Someone was whispering, chin tucked, lips barely moving.

            

Tao Tianran rotated her wrist. She was a little annoyed.

Why did everyone think their little gestures went unnoticed?

She and Cheng Xiang walked to the BBQ table together. Cheng Xiang returned to her seat. The spots beside her were already full, people giggling as they looked at Tao Tianran. Tao Tianran found an empty seat elsewhere, flanked by people she didn’t know.

            

The moment she sat down, her presence clearly chilled, like a breath of frost falling upon the mortal world.

Cheng Xiang pressed her lips together and passed a plate of mushrooms that hadn’t been sprinkled with chili powder toward this table, not saying it was for her.

Tao Tianran glanced at the plump mushrooms scored with cross-hatch marks on their caps. She suddenly reached out and took the plate.

            

She set it back on the table with one hand and grasped Cheng Xiang’s hand with the other, giving it a soft shake.

Tao Tianran said, “Thanks, girlfriend.”

When her clear voice rang out, Tao Tianran distinctly felt the people around her freeze—those eating mushrooms, tofu, charcoal-grilled squid. Half a second later, their movements resumed like an animation skipping half a frame, as if nothing had happened.

            

Only Cheng Xiang looked at her with trembling lashes.

Her gaze quickly drifted away. Her lashes fluttered twice, the corners of her eyes drooping, turning a little red.

After the BBQ stall broke up, Tao Tianran went to pay. Cheng Xiang walked up behind her. “I’ll pay myself. You don’t need to.”

            

Tao Tianran: “I do.”

Cheng Xiang stood before the counter wrapped in old-fashioned red wood and said to the proprietress, “Give her a discount, okay? I’ve been here three days straight. Also, I want to pack up the leftover Coke.”

“Xiao Xiang.”

            

Cheng Xiang’s shoulders paused. Without turning back, she said, “Yeah.”

Tao Tianran stood behind her, waiting for her to finish paying.

They walked out of the BBQ shop. Cheng Xiang carried two unfinished two-liter bottles of Coke and a full bag of grilled food.

            

The wind was gentle, the treetops freshly green.

Tao Tianran remembered it was early summer. The cicadas clinging to the trees had not yet begun to sing.

“Xiao Xiang.”

            

“Hmm?” Cheng Xiang’s hand trembled. She had been trying to figure out what to do with all this packed BBQ. The school dorm didn’t have a microwave. Maybe she should take it back to Director Ma, but Director Ma would definitely nag her about ordering too much. Ugh, so annoying.

She was just happy, okay!

How many things in life could truly make you happy?

            

Tao Tianran asked, “Want ice cream?”

Cheng Xiang blinked. “Ah, oh, sure.”

They walked toward the roadside convenience store together. Tao Tianran naturally took the Coke bottles from her hand. Cheng Xiang glanced over—Tao Tianran’s pale, slender fingers looked good even holding Coke bottles.

            

Standing in front of the convenience store, some of Cheng Xiang’s schoolmates passed by, all sneaking glances at Tao Tianran.

Cheng Xiang proudly puffed out her chest, then felt it was a bit much. She had puffed out her little belly too, after eating all that BBQ, so she sucked it back in a little and said to Tao Tianran with a smile, “Can I get the expensive kind? Hehehe.”

Tao Tianran nodded. “Of course.”

            

But the off-campus store’s freezer didn’t even have Haagen-Dazs. Ugh.

Cheng Xiang grabbed a chocolate ice cream. Tao Tianran scanned the code and paid.

They walked to the bench outside the convenience store, one sitting on the left, one on the right. Tao Tianran looked up and remembered it was a huge banyan tree, its canopy leaning overhead. When the wind brushed past, pale golden light spots filtered down through the leaves.

            

Cheng Xiang smelled of nice laundry detergent, warmed by the early summer sun.

Cheng Xiang lifted her ice cream cup. “Want some?”

Tao Tianran shook her head.

            

Cheng Xiang ate very slowly. When the ice cream melted a little, she scraped off that bit with her spoon, put it in her mouth, and slowly let it melt. Then she turned to look at Tao Tianran. “I’ll tell you a secret too.”

“What.”

“You know I live in a hutong, right?”

            

“I didn’t know.”

“Hey.” Cheng Xiang protested. “How could you not know? You’ve been sitting behind me since Year 2 of high school. Every time I talked to Qin Ziqiao about growing up in the hutong and all that, how could you not have heard a single word?”

A hint of smile brewed in Tao Tianran’s eyes, extremely faint, barely detectable, like a spot of light filtered through leaves flashing across her gaze.

            

“Tch, you’re teasing me?”

“Anyway, I live in a Siheyuan³. My bedroom—shh, keep your voice down—used to be an illegal construction annex. And in the middle of the bedroom—” Cheng Xiang used the tone of breaking news: “There’s a huge living phoenix tree!”

Her lashes fluttered as she looked at Tao Tianran. “I’ll take you to see it later?”

            

A brief silence.

Tao Tianran lowered her lashes, watching Cheng Xiang’s slender fingers unconsciously tighten around the ice cream carton.

Tao Tianran nodded. “Okay.”

            

Yes! Mission accomplished.

A small firework burst open in Cheng Xiang’s eyes. She didn’t speak, lowering her head with little parentheses at the corners of her lips, scooping up a big spoonful. “Tao Tianran, you really won’t eat? Try it, it’s actually pretty good.”

That day the wind was gentle, the sunlight just right.

            

Tao Tianran wasn’t sure why her descriptions of the world always circled back to such bland phrases. But when she thought of the days she spent with Cheng Xiang, she truly only remembered that the wind was gentle, the sunlight just right, the treetops tinged with fresh green.

Early summer stretched on as if it would never end.

She and Cheng Xiang sat quietly under the tree. Cheng Xiang slowly ate her ice cream, scooped up a spoonful, and brought it to Tao Tianran’s lips. Tao Tianran leaned over and took it.

            

Cheng Xiang asked, “Good?”

“Good.”

Then neither of them spoke again. They looked at the banyan tree before them together.

            

After Cheng Xiang’s death, Tao Tianran would suddenly recall that day in countless moments.

She would recall the bathroom stall that day, the words of those two girls—「habit」.

Had her feelings for Cheng Xiang really only been habit?

            

Now Chen Chuxia stood before her, asking what kind of person could truly get close to her.

Last summer, she had leaned against the circular archway paved with bluestone slabs in the creative park. Every breath seemed to echo. The lights were dim and hazy. With a drunken languor, she looked at the unfamiliar Chen Chuxia before her. When Chen Chuxia reached to touch the right-hand pinky ring on her hand, she suddenly raised her hand.

Every pore was on the defensive.

            

So it turned out only one person had ever been able to get close to her.

She suddenly asked Chen Chuxia, “Do you like your girlfriend a lot?”

“Of course.” Chen Chuxia was a little embarrassed. “Why do you ask?”

            

“Do you get that stomachache feeling?”

“…Huh?”

“The stomachache feeling.” Tao Tianran repeated it, mimicking Cheng Xiang’s old gesture at her chest. “Like a fire burning in your stomach, rising all the way up, to here, here, until it reaches your throat and floods over your heart.”

            

“What kind of romantic saying is that?” Chen Chuxia laughed. “I’ve never had that. Have you?”

Tao Tianran paused for a long time. “I don’t know.”

She only knew that now, in this world, there was no more such fresh green, and no more such gentle wind.

            

---

Tao Tianran returned home after eating hotpot, stripped off her white shirt and trousers and threw them into the laundry hamper, raised a hand to rub her tight nape, and walked into the shower.

She stood barefoot on the ice-veined marble tiles, her toes lustrous as mother-of-pearl, her calves slender and long. Through the frosted glass, one could see water droplets constantly sliding down.

After blow-drying her hair, Tao Tianran walked to the laundry hamper, picked up the shirt, sniffed it, and frowned.

            

She thought back to that time she and Cheng Xiang had gone home after eating lamb spine hotpot⁴.

She took off her clothes and saw the oil splatters on her shirt. Bypassing the laundry hamper, she took it straight to the recycling bag.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?” Cheng Xiang had been taking off her jeans beside her. Seeing her action, Cheng Xiang hopped over with one leg still in the denim, stumbled, and leaned against her.

            

“Oil splattered on the front.” Tao Tianran said. “It won’t wash out.”

“Tao Tianran, you…”

Tao Tianran sensed that Cheng Xiang had forcibly swallowed the words “are you crazy” out of love for her.

            

Instead she said softly, “You’re throwing this away? It was expensive, what a waste. How do you know it won’t wash out?”

Cheng Xiang picked up her shirt and examined it closely. “Let me try, okay?”

On the utility balcony, Cheng Xiang hugged her knees, crouching before the rumbling washing machine in a daze.

            

Tao Tianran walked over and rubbed the top of Cheng Xiang’s head.

Cheng Xiang was still staring at the washing machine’s semi-transparent rolling lid turning round and round.

“Why are you crouching here? Just come back when it’s done.” She reached out to pull Cheng Xiang up.

            

But she saw that Cheng Xiang was crying.

Tao Tianran’s hand stopped.

Cheng Xiang actually cried easily, just as she laughed easily. She extended fuzzy antennae toward the world, feeling everything without reservation.

            

But Tao Tianran deeply remembered two times she cried.

Once was in Year 3 of high school, when Cheng Xiang came to find her and sobbed that she had a tooth pulled.

Once was now—Cheng Xiang silently shedding tears before the spinning drum of the washing machine.

            

Cheng Xiang gently shook off her hand, lowered her head, and hurried to the bathroom.

Tao Tianran hesitated, followed her, and knocked on the door. “Xiao Xiang?”

“Yeah.” Cheng Xiang’s thick nasal voice came from inside, together with the rush-rush of the tap.

            

“Why are you crying?”

“It’s nothing.” Cheng Xiang’s voice carried a forced, low laugh. “No matter how I wash it, there’s still a little mark on the front of the shirt. Tao Tianran, are you going to throw it away?”

Tao Tianran pulled the door open and went in. “I won’t.”

            

“Really?” Cheng Xiang’s small nose was completely red.

“Yeah. Really.”

A long, long time later, Tao Tianran stood in her own laundry room and stuffed the shirt and trousers she had worn to eat hotpot into the washing machine.

            

She had rarely suffered material deprivation growing up. But from that time onward, she rarely discarded clothes casually anymore.

The shirt had been washed many times. Visually, there was no difference, but the feel of it against her skin was much softer than a new shirt.

A bizarre thought surfaced in Tao Tianran’s mind: Cheng Xiang was like an old shirt of hers.

            

Perhaps that night, Cheng Xiang had cried over more than just a shirt.

---

“Ha!” Yi Yu and Tao Tianran sat together in the client’s workshop, laughing loudly.

Across from them sat a white-haired yet youthfully-faced old lady named Xie Yongji, a top-tier master in the jewelry design world, advanced in years and long reclusive.

            

Yi Yu raised a finger and gestured vaguely at Tao Tianran. “You want to set her up with someone? Can you even imagine her with a man?”

Elder Xie took a leisurely sip of tea. “I didn’t say I was introducing a man.”

“Pfft—” Yi Yu had been drinking tea along with Xie Yongji. Now she sprayed a mouthful and grabbed a tissue to dab her lips. “Old—Old Lady, you’re pretty trendy.”

            

Xie Yongji spoke unhurriedly. “I have a grandniece…”

“Wait, wait.” Yi Yu raised a palm. “Let me revise my statement. The way she is, can you imagine her with anyone? Man or woman.”

No matter how lofty an artist, when playing matchmaker they all looked like Neighborhood Committee aunties. Smiling, she asked Tao Tianran, “Xiao Tao, have you ever had a girlfriend?”

            

“I have.” Tao Tianran nodded.

“Pfft—” Yi Yu was drinking tea again. This time she not only sprayed water but bit her tongue, covering her lips and speaking unclearly: “You—you—you! When was this? How come you never told me!”

Tao Tianran: “You never asked.”

            

“When exactly?” Yi Yu grabbed Tao Tianran’s shoulder. “When you joined my company, did you have a girlfriend?”

Tao Tianran moved her hand away. “I did.”

Tao Tianran wasn’t the type to get close to colleagues. She didn’t talk much about her private life at the company. She had never intended to hide that she had a girlfriend, but there had been no opportunity to mention it.

            

Only that year, the company annual party had been different. Yi Yu was the type to spend money like dirt. She not only liked organizing everyone to go to KTV, singing “Love Until Death⁵” while throwing cash around, but that year a band was trending, and she had hired them to perform live.

So that year, the annual party rented a formal venue. Everyone wore evening dress.

Tao Tianran went home and asked Cheng Xiang, “Want to go?”

            

Cheng Xiang’s eyes sparkled. “That band is really coming?”

Tao Tianran dipped her chin. “Yeah.”

The band had blown up on a variety show earlier. The guitarist was a former adman, the lead singer a Hong Kong vocalist, and the two had serious chemistry. When the show aired, Cheng Xiang had watched every episode. Tao Tianran knew she liked them.

            

Cheng Xiang thought about it and wrinkled her nose. “I won’t go.”

“Why?”

“I just remembered I have to work overtime that day.”

            

On the day of the company annual party, Cheng Xiang did indeed stay at her company very late.

Actually, there was no overtime that day. She hid at her desk secretly drawing her comics. When she turned off the lights and left the company, the whole floor was pitch black, but the smell of boxed rice with green pepper and shredded pork hadn’t dissipated.

Cheng Xiang walked through that smell toward the elevator.

            

She pinched the corner of her overcoat, saw a thin loose thread, and pulled it off.

She couldn’t explain why she didn’t go to Tao Tianran’s company annual party.

Probably she lacked confidence.

            

Her overcoat with its loose thread, and Tao Tianran’s evening gown. Her Converse canvas shoes, and Tao Tianran’s slender high heels. Her whole body smelling of green pepper and pork, and Tao Tianran’s luxurious, elegant fragrance.

Cheng Xiang mocked herself with a curl of her lips.

That night when Tao Tianran came home from the annual party, Cheng Xiang was sprawled over her writing desk, humming a tune as she drew comics.

            

She lifted her eyelids and looked at Tao Tianran. “You didn’t wear your evening gown?”

“I changed.”

“Oh.” Cheng Xiang lowered her head and continued drawing her comics.

            

At that time, she thought: Perhaps in this life, she would never again have the chance to see Tao Tianran in an evening gown.

---

Now Tao Tianran and Yi Yu sat in Xie Yongji’s studio. Yi Yu asked with a wicked grin, “So you must have broken up by now?”

Tao Tianran was silent a moment. “Yeah.”

            

Yi Yu: “I don’t even need to ask why.”

She raised an eyebrow at Elder Xie⁶. “Elder Xie, don’t bother trying to set her up. Look at her, an iceberg. I bet she was in a fake relationship. The other person definitely couldn’t feel her heart at all, so they broke up, right?”

Xie Yongji asked Tao Tianran, “So, do you have any intention of dating now?”

            

Tao Tianran: “No.”

After they finished discussing the design, they walked out of Xie Yongji’s studio. A clear moon shed its light.

Yi Yu squinted at Tao Tianran sideways.

            

Tao Tianran: “Say it if you have something to say.”

“Not that I’m saying.” Yi Yu really couldn’t hold it in. “The way you are, how can you date?” She lowered her voice furtively and leaned in. Tao Tianran shifted away.

“Lean in closer! I can’t say the next part loud.” Yi Yu scrunched her brows. “I’m just saying, have you ever had that kind of desire? That super secular kind, you know.”

            

Tao Tianran said directly, “Sexual desire.”

“Pfft—” Yi Yu was extremely glad she wasn’t drinking tea right now, or she would have sprayed it again. This word had just so blithely come out of her dear Teacher Tao’s mouth—her Teacher Tao, who looked so cold and ascetic.

“Yeah.” Yi Yu nodded seriously. “Have you?”

            

Tao Tianran was silent for a moment.

She thought back to her first time with Cheng Xiang. It had been after Spring Festival. That winter in Beicheng had been bitterly cold, and the narrow alleys had been frosted over like tonight’s moonlight.

By contrast, the bathroom seemed warm. Her pale skin flushed red under the shower.

            

Cheng Xiang squeezed into the bathroom, bare-skinned.

“Th-that, the property management says the water will be cut off later.”

Tao Tianran glanced at her.

            

She reached out and pulled her close. Tao Tianran was not without common sense; in the university dorm, everyone had watched those kinds of movies together. Only now did Tao Tianran realize those films were not true to life.

The person in her arms had slippery skin under the shower. She didn’t give a very intense reaction, only faced away from her, the segments of her spine rising and falling in small increments.

It made Tao Tianran wonder if her breathing was shattering badly. She couldn’t tell, because Cheng Xiang had her back to her.

            

Tao Tianran could only see the palm print she pressed against the shower glass, and the corners of her lips, tightly pressed together.

Her fine, soft chestnut short hair was soaked by the shower and clung to her small face.

“Tao Tianran.”

            

She called her name with heaving breaths, lips slightly parted. The shower water gurgled into her mouth. She didn’t know how much water she had swallowed, only to bring it back up through her own body.

Tao Tianran felt her skin burning.

But that day, the water in the shower had been too hot. It was easy to blame the burning of her skin on the heat.

            

The steam in the shower stall was too thick. It was easy to blame her breathlessness on the vapor.

Tao Tianran gripped her own throat tightly, feeling her fingers couldn’t stop, until Cheng Xiang cried out in her arms.

Tao Tianran stopped moving, but did not pull out.

            

That feeling of warm envelopment somehow made Tao Tianran think of when she lived at her grandmother’s house as a child. Outside the door had been a narrow ditch. When the warm summer rain fell, soft snails hid inside.

“Tao Tianran.” Cheng Xiang spoke in a thin voice. “Pull out.”

Tao Tianran paused for a long time, then said, “I don’t want to.”

            

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