The Alley Was Always This Long – Chapter 47

“Say it!”

“I love you.”

[The greatest illusion the world creates for us is thinking everything has a chance to start over.]

            

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When Cheng Xiang felt her vision go dark and realized she was about to fall off the barstool, her first reaction was to hurriedly lift her left knee.

Good heavens, let her land on her right knee this time! Her left knee, which had swollen like a steamed bun, had only recently healed.

When she slowly opened her eyes, she found Qiao Zhiji half-kneeling beside her.

            

The people who instantly gathered around included internet celebrities taking artsy selfies at the cafe, a cafe waiter wearing a whitebark pine green apron, an old man with his hands behind his back who had been inspecting the nearby fields, and a cow with a nose ring being led by the old man.

Its breath swept across Cheng Xiang’s face as it let out a “moo.”

Cheng Xiang: …

            

“Haha, hahaha.” Lying on her back, Cheng Xiang grinned. “Sorry to disappoint everyone, I just have low blood sugar. It’s nothing, it’s nothing. Nothing to see here.”

“Oh, low blood sugar,” the old man replied in disappointment, leading his cow away.

After the crowd dispersed, Qiao Zhiji helped Cheng Xiang sit up.

            

Cheng Xiang told her first, “Don’t panic, okay? I had a full checkup the last time I went to the hospital, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this body.”

It was just that Yu Yusheng got too excited every time she saw you.

“Mhm.” Qiao Zhiji asked, “Can you stand up?”

            

“I should be able to.” Cheng Xiang stood up shakily, asking, “Did anything happen just now?”

She wondered if, perhaps, for a split second when she completely lost consciousness, Yu Yusheng’s consciousness could have temporarily occupied this body—that way, wouldn’t she have been able to converse with Qiao Zhiji?

However, Qiao Zhiji fell silent for a moment and shook her head. “No.”

            

Nothing at all.

It seemed that as long as her soul occupied this body, Yu Yusheng could only be a wandering ghost.

“President Qiao.” Cheng Xiang really couldn’t help but say, “I’ve discovered you’re truly someone capable of great things. You actually managed to hold back from coming to find me.”

            

She already suspected that Cheng Xiang wasn’t the real Yu Yusheng, yet she had managed to resist asking what was going on.

Being able to endure so much, she must have followed Gu Bami’s serialized novels¹.

Qiao Zhiji said, “Because I didn’t dare to.”

            

“Didn’t dare to what?”

“I was afraid of what you’d tell me.” Qiao Zhiji lowered her eyes to look at the cracks in the field ridge. After a long time, she lifted her eyelids. “That by the time I finally had the ability to return, the person I wanted to find would already be gone.”

Qiao Zhiji stared deeply into her eyes. “Is she gone?”

            

Cheng Xiang thought to herself, President Qiao, I can’t answer that, or I’ll just faint again.

She could only say, “This matter, actually, is more complicated than you think.”

She raised an index finger and pressed it to her lips. “Shh.”

            

Beside their ears, there was only the wind, sweeping past the trees, sweeping past the fields, sweeping past the years that had gone by.

Qiao Zhiji listened quietly to the sound of the wind for a moment before asking, “Do you have a way to bring her back?”

“Because, I have no way to embrace a gust of wind.”

            

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On the drive back, Qiao Zhiji and Cheng Xiang fell into silence.

Cheng Xiang got out of the car. As she closed the door, she bent down slightly to say goodbye. “President Qiao, see you next time.”

Qiao Zhiji gave a slight nod. “Mhm.”

            

Cheng Xiang walked upstairs, feeling somewhat frustrated.

How was she supposed to tell Qiao Zhiji that she had no way to bring Yu Yusheng back? Some words were simply cruel the moment they were spoken.

She curled one leg up and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling out her phone to call Yi Yu. “Teacher Tao goes on a business trip, and you just know to order me around. Shouldn’t the bulk of the revenue share for this project go to me?”

            

Her chest felt tight and she just wanted someone to talk to, so she grabbed the most heartless person around her.

“It’s all yours.”

“Huh?”

            

“Teacher Tao signed a contract earlier; she’s not taking a single cent from this project.”

Cheng Xiang paused, her fingertip aimlessly drawing a circle on the bedsheet. “Acting all noble and principled.”

“Actually.” Yi Yu took a bite of an apple.

            

“You wouldn’t happen to be at Qin Ziqiao’s place, would you?” Cheng Xiang grew alert.

“No, how could I be?”

“I heard Qin Ziqiao’s voice!” Cheng Xiang raised her volume. “She told you not to sit on her bed and eat apples! You’re getting apple juice all over the sheets!”

            

“Then I’ll carve a white marble bed that’s warm in winter and cool in summer! Will it be fine if I don’t use bedsheets?!” Yi Yu yelled into the phone.

“Why are you yelling at me! I’m telling you, it won’t work! That’ll hurt your butt! Ugh, hanging up, hanging up.”

“Wait.” Yi Yu hesitated for a moment. “What I was trying to say earlier is that Teacher Tao didn’t actually go out of town.”

            

“What do you mean?”

“She has a fever and is resting at home. If you go, don’t say I told you.”

Cheng Xiang hung up the phone, stood up, and walked toward the door.

            

Halfway there, she turned back and plopped down on the edge of the bed.

She scratched her chin for a bit, stood up again, and resumed walking toward the door.

Standing in the entryway, she pressed her hands against the marble countertop and sighed—she was actually a rather indecisive person. When she was little, Director Ma always used to say about her: “Whether to have tomato scrambled eggs or tomato egg soup for dinner, this child can agonize over it for half an hour.”

            

Whether or not to go see Tao Tianran left her extremely hesitant.

After seeing Tao Tianran cry, her first reaction was helplessness, and her second was anger.

Now, her attitude had turned to avoidance.

            

It was like scraping a bloody scar on your knee; a person’s subconscious reaction was actually to avert their eyes and stop looking at it.

Cheng Xiang stood in the entryway for a long while. Frowning with a click of her tongue, she finally opened the door and walked out.

What else could she do but go?

            

Tao Tianran was all alone. If she didn’t go, what else could be done?

Cheng Xiang started getting angry again. When she got into the taxi, her nose wasn’t a nose, and her face wasn’t a face².

The driver glanced at her in the rearview mirror. “Yo, miss, are you off to collect a debt?”

            

Cheng Xiang thought to herself, You really hit the nail on the head.

She walked into the once-familiar residential complex. Memories were truly terrifying; she still remembered the complex’s gate code to this day.

Standing at the door of Tao Tianran’s house, she rang the doorbell.

            

Humming the theme song to 《Springfield Flowers Kindergarten》 in her head, she tapped out the rhythm of the entire song with the tip of her toe on the red brick ground, but still, no one answered the door. Cheng Xiang clicked her tongue in irritation. Her face falling again, she was just about to pull out her phone to call Tao Tianran.

The door opened with a slow creak.

Tao Tianran stood in a small patch of shadow inside the doorway. She wore a white shirt and dark-colored dress pants, the hem neatly tucked into her waistband, her straight hair tidy and smooth.

            

If it weren’t for her pale complexion, she looked ready to step straight out the door for a meeting.

Cheng Xiang asked, “Are you going out?”

“No.” Tao Tianran said, “I just changed my clothes.”

            

Cheng Xiang tapped her fingertips against her chest a couple of times, and Tao Tianran’s gaze fell on the entire bag of rice she was holding in her arms.

Cheng Xiang said, “This is Wuchang rice. Five kilograms.”

Tao Tianran: “…?”

            

Cheng Xiang sighed. “What I mean is, it’s quite expensive. Coming to visit a sick person like this, I’m taking a loss.”

She walked inside, brushing past Tao Tianran. Just as she reached out to pull open the shoe cabinet in the entryway, her movements paused.

This was the first time she had come to Tao Tianran’s house since their breakup, and as Yu Yusheng, she shouldn’t be this familiar with the place.

            

So, she asked Tao Tianran out loud, “Are the guest slippers in here?”

Tao Tianran nodded. “Mhm.”

Cheng Xiang bent down, taking out a pair of grayish-beige guest slippers to change into. Glancing at the corner of the shoe cabinet, the tangerine-pink slippers she used to wear were still there.

            

Covered in a dust bag, they sat there quietly.

It was just as she had once always stayed here quietly, tending to Tao Tianran’s garden.

She pressed her lips together and carried the rice further inside, asking Tao Tianran, “Do you know why you have a fever?”

            

“You’re too skinny!” As soon as the words left her mouth, Cheng Xiang felt that this distressed, exasperated tone was somewhat familiar.

Oh, she remembered—this was the tone of her own mother, Director Ma. After Director Ma had met Tao Tianran, she had once quietly said to Cheng Xiang, “This friend of yours is certainly pretty, but at the end of the day, she’s just too skinny.”

“Isn’t it good to be skinny?”

            

“Being skinny means poor health,” Director Ma said with profound exasperation.

“Mom, don’t worry about this. Her health is great.”

“How do you know her health is great?” Director Ma rolled her eyes at her. “Have you competed in an ironman triathlon³ with her?”

            

I-ironman triathlon… Cheng Xiang’s ears silently turned red.

She reprimanded herself in her heart: Xiangzi, oh Xiangzi, what are you thinking?

“Mom, anyway, I just know.”

            

She had experienced it firsthand, after all! Although Tao Tianran didn’t seem all that enthusiastic about that, there was absolutely no problem with her physical stamina.

Only now, standing in Tao Tianran’s living room, Cheng Xiang glanced at her. Standing there in her white shirt, Tao Tianran was as thin as a sheet of paper.

Cheng Xiang lowered her eyes, realizing she couldn’t bear to look at Tao Tianran’s thinness, just as she couldn’t bear to see her cry.

            

Hugging the rice in her arms, she asked, “Where is your kitchen?”

Tao Tianran pointed it out.

Cheng Xiang hurriedly kept her head down and walked over. “Then go upstairs and sleep. I’ll boil some porridge, and I’ll call you when it’s done.”

            

Despite how Tao Tianran looked, she was actually a very picky eater.

Whether it was other Chinese food, Western, French, or Portuguese cuisines, she could always find a restaurant that suited her taste in the massive city of Beicheng. Only a simple bowl of plain white porridge was the most difficult.

Even if it was boiled by a five-star Cantonese restaurant, she felt it was overly refined and lacked a rustic, simple fragrance.

            

In the past, on the very rare occasions when Tao Tianran got sick, it was always Cheng Xiang who stayed home to boil porridge for her.

Furthermore, Tao Tianran was from Gangdao and had a light palate. She didn’t eat her porridge with fermented bean curd or pickled side dishes, nor did she like the crispy pork rind or deep-fried dough sticks found in tingzai porridge. Cheng Xiang would always make her a wood ear mushroom and okra salad, adding a little extra vinegar.

So today, not only had she brought a five-kilogram bag of Wuchang rice, but she had also brought a cluster of wood ear mushrooms and a few pieces of okra.

            

With a cold face, she stood by the stove, blanching the vegetables while watching the porridge bubble in the clay pot.

She sighed, thinking to herself: What on earth am I doing?

Cheng Xiang, can you have a little spine? At this point, what is there left that you can’t let go of when it comes to Tao Tianran?

            

She stood in the kitchen, supporting herself against the counter with one hand. Her gaze unconsciously fell to the webbing between her thumb and index finger, where a single tear from Tao Tianran had once fallen.

Only when the porridge was done did she ladle out a bowl and carry it out. Just as she was about to place it on the dining table, she realized Tao Tianran hadn’t gone upstairs to sleep, but was sitting on the sofa in the living room.

She walked over, holding the porridge. “Why didn’t you go upstairs to sleep?”

            

Tao Tianran leaned back against the sofa. “Mhm.”

Mhm, what mhm.

Cheng Xiang placed the porridge on the coffee table and simply sat down on the edge of the marble table herself. She looked at Tao Tianran. “I also made a wood ear mushroom and okra salad. It’s a recipe I saw on Little X Book⁴, I added some extra vinegar.”

            

The blackout curtains in the living room were pulled tightly shut, and Tao Tianran hadn’t turned on the lights. The two of them sank into a stretch of shadow where day couldn’t be distinguished from night.

Tao Tianran said, “There’s no need.”

“What do you mean, ‘there’s no need’?” Cheng Xiang stood up, intending to head to the kitchen. “With a refreshing side dish, you can at least eat a couple more bites. Where’s your fever medicine? Bring it out first, I’ll time it for you. You know that taking medicine thirty minutes after a meal is counted from your first bite, not from when you finish eating, right? It won’t be long until you can take the medicine.”

            

Tao Tianran sat on the sofa, her cold, deep voice carrying a bit of hoarseness from the fever. “I said, there’s no need.”

“What does that mean?”

“What ‘there’s no need’ means is, it’s very annoying.”

            

Cheng Xiang instead let out a laugh. Shuffling her slippers, she walked back and sat on the coffee table opposite Tao Tianran. “Do you think I don’t find it annoying? Do you think I’m so bored out of my mind that I insist on coming over to take care of a sick person? Teacher Tao, have you ever considered that the two of us actually have no relationship whatsoever?”

Tao Tianran nodded. “Yes, we have no relationship whatsoever, so why did you come?”

Cheng Xiang pressed her lips together.

            

“What I mean by ‘it’s very annoying’ is that you are constantly, constantly, over and over again, reminding me of someone.” Tao Tianran held her breath, closed her eyes, and opened them again. “Boiling porridge reminds me of her. The wood ear mushroom and okra salad reminds me of her. Nagging about taking medicine thirty minutes after a meal reminds me of her.”

“It’s really… very annoying.”

“Fine.” Cheng Xiang nodded along. “Then don’t eat the salad. Drink the porridge. Your being picky about porridge is a bit unreasonable. What else are you supposed to make for a patient with a fever if not porridge?”

            

Tao Tianran finally picked up the porcelain bowl. The porcelain spoon touched her thin lips. After just one bite, she set the bowl down and hurriedly rushed toward the bathroom.

The sound of the faucet being turned on masked the faint sound of retching.

Cheng Xiang stood with her head bowed in the same spot, and didn’t follow her.

            

When Tao Tianran came out of the bathroom having sorted out her appearance, she found that Cheng Xiang had thrown open all the blackout curtains in the room. Bright daylight poured in, as if wanting to thoroughly bleach away all the dark mildew in the room.

Tao Tianran’s footsteps stopped in the shadow near her own feet.

Cheng Xiang called out to her, “Teacher Tao, come here.”

            

Tao Tianran stood there, motionless.

Wearing Yu Yusheng’s features, Cheng Xiang’s expression was usually languid and charmingly aloof, but right now her brows were furrowed. Walking over to Tao Tianran without pause, she grabbed her overly slender wrist. As if out of impatience, she gripped her and dragged her to the window, right into the sunlight.

Having stayed at home for an unknown number of days, Tao Tianran’s eyes were unaccustomed to the light, and she squinted.

            

Cheng Xiang raised a hand and rubbed the space between her eyebrows. “Stop acting like this. What are you doing? Wallowing in a breakup at your age? From what you’re saying, you and your ex-girlfriend must have broken up a long time ago, right? She’s already been gone from here for a long time, hasn’t she?”

Tao Tianran was silent for a long time before she spoke, the skin on her lips somewhat dry and cracked. “Yes, she’s already been gone from here for a long time.”

“Then who are you putting on this show for? Can she see it?”

            

Tao Tianran was met with another stretch of silence before saying, “Yes, she can’t see it.”

She spoke every word extremely slowly, pausing after each syllable, like a hammer striking against someone’s heart time and time again.

“Then why are you still acting like this? What’s the point? Can you stop being so dramatic? Eat when you’re supposed to eat, shower when you’re supposed to shower, take your medicine when you’re supposed to take your medicine, sleep when you’re supposed to sleep. Your hair is really greasy, do you know that?” Cheng Xiang spoke at lightning speed, firing off her words like a machine gun without even pausing for breath.

            

Tao Tianran didn’t speak.

“What exactly is it that you can’t get over? Don’t tell me you suddenly realized you didn’t treat her well enough when you were dating, and now you feel guilty?” Cheng Xiang flung Tao Tianran’s wrist away. “Fine. Didn’t you say I’m like her? Then pretend I’m her. You want to say ‘sorry’, don’t you? You want to say you didn’t do a good enough job before, right? Come on, say it to me. Just say it and it’ll be fine.”

Director Ma’s words had awakened Cheng Xiang.

            

What made it impossible for people to move on wasn’t just “loss”, but rather “not having the chance to properly say goodbye”.

Still squinting slightly in the bright daylight, Tao Tianran slowly shook her head. “But you aren’t her. You said it yourself, you aren’t her.”

“Then can you just pretend I’m her for the time being?!” Cheng Xiang growled softly. “Say everything you want to say! Maybe…”

            

Maybe she can hear it.

Tao Tianran fell into another heavy silence. The wind outside the window couldn’t blow in, yet Cheng Xiang felt as if Tao Tianran were tottering on the verge of collapse in the early spring breeze.

“Say it!”

            

Say the apologies in your heart, Cheng Xiang thought, and this matter will truly be in the past. She would let herself off the hook, and Tao Tianran would let herself off the hook, too.

Tao Tianran gazed fixedly into Cheng Xiang’s eyes. Then, Cheng Xiang realized that Tao Tianran wasn’t gazing at her eyes, but at her eyelashes.

Cheng Xiang looked back at her.

            

Tao Tianran parted her dry, cracked lips. Finally, in a low, hoarse voice from an unknown number of days of high fever, she said softly, “I love you.”

If you truly have the chance to hear this, what I want to say isn’t “I’m sorry.”

It’s “I love you.”

            

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Cheng Xiang lowered her head and laughed.

Her eyelashes drooped, and her fingernails dug repeatedly into the pads of her fingers. Then she lifted her eyelids and looked closely at Tao Tianran in front of her, as if wanting to clearly see her expression in this moment.

Her current features were intensely charming; with just a slight curve of her lips, she wore a cold, mocking sneer. “Only now are you saying you love her?”

            

“Where were you earlier?”

The Cheng Xiang of the past had been a very thoughtful and sensitive young girl.

When she wore her Pikachu onesie pajamas downstairs to feed the stray cats, she would remember which cat had eaten less yesterday, which cat hadn’t shown up, and which cat was exceptionally scrawny.

            

She would secretly give them a little extra cat food and then lure the other, healthier strays to the side.

Yet, for a Cheng Xiang like this, whenever Qin Ziqiao asked her: “Has Tao Tianran ever given you a definitive answer?”

“Isn’t agreeing to be my girlfriend a definitive answer?”

            

“I don’t mean that. I mean, has she ever said she loves you or something?”

“Qin Ziqiao.” Cheng Xiang would dramatically cross her arms. “You can actually say the word ‘love’ out loud, you’re so cheesy!”

Qin Ziqiao shoved her arm. “Don’t change the subject. Has she or hasn’t she?”

            

Cheng Xiang sniffled, raising a hand to rub the tip of her nose, and grinned. “I forgot.”

Tao Tianran was a person who never expressed her thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes, Cheng Xiang even felt that she wasn’t avoiding it; she just simply never had the habit.

            

Just as she never returned to Gangdao during the New Year.

Yet at this moment, Cheng Xiang stood in front of Tao Tianran, wearing another person’s skin, and demanded, “Where were you earlier?”

Tao Tianran didn’t refute it. She nodded. “Yes, where was I earlier?”

            

“Is there any point in saying this now? Can you still win her back?” Cheng Xiang felt herself trembling, her heart so angry it was about to explode.

Tao Tianran fell into another long silence.

Then she nodded. “Yes, I can’t win her back.”

            

“Because she refuses to give me a chance like that again.”

Tao Tianran walked to the window and pulled all the blackout curtains shut, plunging the room back into a dimness that obscured day from night. Leaving Cheng Xiang aside, she sat back down on the sofa, crossed her arms, and lowered her head slightly, the vertebrae on the back of her neck so thin they starkly protruded.

Cheng Xiang turned on her heel and walked away.

            

After taking two steps, her chest felt terribly stifled. She circled back to the kitchen, scooped up the opened bag of Wuchang rice that had barely been used, and stormed fiercely out of Tao Tianran’s house.

Truth be told, it really was hard to catch a taxi in the villa district.

Cheng Xiang had forgotten to call a ride-hailing car again and stood absentmindedly by the side of the road.

            

The occasional passing pedestrians all stared. This tall woman wearing a long trench coat, her curly hair and very being exuding an innate, alluring charm, stood by the side of the road—w-why was she hugging an opened bag of Wuchang rice?

Coming back to her senses, Cheng Xiang finally remembered to pull out her phone and call a car.

Upon returning home, she huffily placed the rice in the kitchen, kicked the marble kitchen counter, and then hopped around for ages clutching her toes.

            

She was just angry, incredibly, incredibly angry.

The last time she saw Tao Tianran cry, she was angry. This time, hearing Tao Tianran say “love,” she was even angrier.

Did Tao Tianran even use the internet? Did she even surf the web? Had she never seen the phrase “late deep affection is cheaper than grass⁵” online?

            

Huh? Huh?! HUH?!

When she had been lying all alone on the crosswalk in the heavily falling snow, she had thought about taking revenge on Tao Tianran. She just wanted to see what someone as cold as Tao Tianran would look like if she ever developed feelings for someone.

Now, she had seen it.

            

She ought to have a feeling of sweet revenge and elation, right?

But.

The person Tao Tianran had fallen in love with wasn’t this prettier, wealthier, more brilliantly talented person she had become after her transmigration.

            

Tao Tianran had realized that she loved the ordinary, somewhat chatty, sensitive, and thoughtful little girl from the past.

Tao Tianran was right. Cheng Xiang would not give her another chance to regret her choices. This was Cheng Xiang’s best revenge against her.

Cheng Xiang sat blankly on the sofa clutching her swollen toes for a while, then hopped into the kitchen on one foot, washed her hands, scooped up two spoonfuls of rice from the bag, and poured them into the clay pot to boil porridge for herself.

            

Why had she even bought Wuchang rice for Tao Tianran? She must have had too much time on her hands!

Did Tao Tianran’s late deep affection deserve Wuchang rice? At most, it deserved Daohuaxiang rice!

As soon as Cheng Xiang remembered the price of this bag of Wuchang rice, she felt so aggrieved she got chest pains. Raising a hand, she thumped her chest twice and picked up a long-handled spoon to stir the porridge in the pot.

            

And then, facing the pot of bubbling porridge, she broke into a loud wail.

She wasn’t feeling sad for Tao Tianran. Truly, she didn’t feel the slightest bit sad for Tao Tianran, who absolutely deserved it.

She was crying over why her parents would never see their daughter, who had only gone out to buy a bowl of liangpi, return.

            

Why Qin Ziqiao, picking up her phone to call her best friend and complain about a novel, only heard a busy tone on the other end.

Why Qiao Zhiji, having established her footing through her own strength, turned around only to find that the person who had let go of her hand was gone.

Why Tao Tianran, having suddenly realized that she actually loved someone deeply, found that person completely refusing to give her a chance to regret it.

            

Cheng Xiang cried wah-wah, unable to stop. Forgetting to stir the long spoon in her hand, the porridge even burned to the bottom of the pot.

What the hell! She cried boo-hoo, even more heartbroken.

When she had first transmigrated, she had proposed a theme for Kunpu’s quarterly design as Yu Yusheng. It was named “Regret.”

            

She once thought that not having seen the “marine snow” stirred up by oceanic plankton together was a regret.

Not having gone to Liming Village, where one could see the sunrise and sunset three times a day, was a regret.

Not having gone to the southern hemisphere to chase the “God’s Eye” of the Pleiades star cluster was a regret.

            

In the end, only then did she discover:

That the deepest regrets were all hidden in the daily life people never paid attention to.

Thinking everything had a chance to “start over” was simply the greatest illusion created by the world.

            

There were no more chances.

Human life was fundamentally made of “regret” because there was no chance for anything to “start over” anymore.

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