STT – Chapter 10
by Little PandaI Thought You Only Remembered How Much You Hated Me
After they got in, a strange silence filled the car. Jiang Huaixi turned on the music, and the soothing notes of a piano began to flow through the cabin. She spoke up in a casual tone, as if explaining why Lian Xuan had shown up at the university. “Fengshang donated a dormitory building in Lian Xuan’s name. From now on, Huatong Building is going to have a new neighbor. Lian Xuan Buildingβ¦ sounds quite nice, doesn’t it?”
Lu Zizheng drew a large X on the misted-up car window. “Being on the lips of a thousand people is nothing compared to being kept in the heart of just one,” she said dismissively.
Jiang Huaixi looked thoughtful. “That actually makes some sense.”
Lu Zizheng let out a pleased hum. “Of course it does.”
The car passed by an open-air stadium capable of holding ten thousand people. It was enclosed by iron railings, its roof resembling an eggshell, with only a small iron gate left open on the weekends. Since it was raining, the vast running track was completely deserted. On the stands, however, a few scattered people sat in small groups, seemingly waiting for the rain to stop.
Lu Zizheng suddenly turned her head to ask Jiang Huaixi, “Back then, you obviously didn’t have to take PE class. Why did you still show up at the sports field right on time, every single session?”
Jiang Huaixi countered nonchalantly, “Wasn’t it just to make you commoners feel nothing but envy, jealousy, and hate1?”1
Lu Zizheng let out a cold snort. She really thought she was royalty.
Jiang Huaixi turned her head and saw the unconcealed disdain on Lu Zizheng’s face. She added in a light, breezy tone, “Don’t you think the air at the sports field is exceptionally fresh? And that the sky, when viewed at a forty-five-degree angle from the stands, is particularly blue, radiating a bright melancholy?”
Lu Zizheng felt she might have lost the desire to communicate with Jiang Huaixi.
Seeing that Lu Zizheng didn’t reply, Jiang Huaixi turned the steering wheel, making a turn. “Alright, I’ll tell you the truth⦔ As she spoke, her voice gradually grew softer and gentler. “Actuallyβ¦ it was so I could see you during every class⦔
Lu Zizheng’s heart leaped at her words, racing incredibly fast. Her hand resting on the seat tightened its grip on the cushion, almost imperceptibly.
As it turned out, Jiang Huaixi was just taking a long pause. After a brief beat, she flashed her signature mischievous smirk, raising her eyebrows slightly and curling up one corner of her lips. “β¦So I could see you dog-paddling when you run. No matter how bad my mood was, it’d instantly brighten up.” Pausing to think, she continued with a tone of sincere curiosity, “Zizheng, I’ve always been quite curious. Why is it that you can run so fast when you can’t even get the basic running form right? You must be naturally gifted, right?”1
Lu Zizheng stared expressionlessly at Jiang Huaixi’s smiling face. “Pull over,” she said coldly. “I want to get out.”
Jiang Huaixi turned her gaze back to the road, leaving Lu Zizheng with a beautiful, composed profile. Her voice was calm and brimming with confidence. “Haven’t you noticed? You always like to treat yourself so harshly. Most people like to focus on the good things others say, but you do the exact opposite. You turn a deaf ear to the compliments, yet take the criticisms to heart instantly. Didn’t I just earnestly praise you for running fast?”
Lu Zizheng gave a sarcastic, half-hearted smile. “So, I should thank you for your appreciation and praise then?”
Jiang Huaixi smiled, her voice dripping with amusement. “You’re welcome. I’ve always had a way with words, though what I just said was merely polite banter. You don’t have to take it to heart.”
Lu Zizheng leaned back against her seat and closed her eyes, unwilling to waste any more energy looking at Jiang Huaixi. She decided to strictly practice the golden rule: silence is golden.
After a short while, she heard Jiang Huaixi turn down the music and make a phone call, her voice gentle. “Auntie, Zizheng and I are on our way back now. We’ll be passing by a supermarket. Is there anything you’d like us to bring?”
“It’s raining, Auntie, so please don’t go out. Zizheng and I will handle the shopping, and you can just do the cooking when we get back. Yes, alrightβ¦ I’ll hang up now.”
After hanging up, the car drove out of the campus gates. Instantly shedding the tenderness she had shown over the phone, Jiang Huaixi said to Lu Zizheng in a flat voice, “Let’s divide the labor. You decide what you want for dinner, and you’ll be responsible for the funds and the manual labor. In return, I’ll be responsible for driving you to the supermarket. I think that’s pretty fair, don’t you?”
Lu Zizheng sighed inwardly. Jiang Huaixi was truly a master of playing the sweet-talker and currying favor. She got to play the caring, gentle, perfect child in front of Mom, while Lu Zizheng was stuck doing all the physical labor and paying the billβ¦
Once the car was parked, Jiang Huaixi walked ahead while Lu Zizheng followed a few paces behind. She watched as Jiang Huaixi deftly grabbed a shopping cart, keeping one hand tucked inside the pocket of her woolen overcoat while pushing the cart leisurely with the other. Seeing Lu Zizheng lagging behind, Jiang Huaixi turned her head to urge her on, “Come up here and pick out the groceries. Let’s head back early. I’m cold and hungry.”
Lu Zizheng caught up in a few quick steps. As she browsed the food on the shelves, she remarked, “You know, when I first met you, I thought you were above mundane human desires2, like an immortal. But later on, the phrase you said to me most often turned out to be, ‘I’m hungry.'”
Jiang Huaixi pushed the cart forward a few steps, then stopped to pick up a box of curry. She carefully checked the production date, replying in a flat tone, “Really? I thought that from the first time you met me, you only remembered how much you hated me⦔
Lu Zizheng froze in her tracks, her heart skipping a beat. She stood there dazed for a long moment before lowering her head with a complex expression.
It turned out that, without her realizing it, she could already look back on this with ease. When she recalled it now, the resentment and grievance that had once filled her heart had been entirely replaced by peace and detachment.
Lu Zizheng gazed at the quiet, peaceful woman in front of her, who had her head lowered and her brows slightly knit, seriously comparing two different brands of the same sauce. It felt like a lifetime ago. Lu Zizheng gave a bitter smile. Perhaps she should be grateful for that baffling, inexplicable beginning?
While lost in her thoughts, she saw Jiang Huaixi effortlessly put one can back, toss the other into the cart, and then extend her slender pinky finger to gently brush away a few strands of dark hair that had fallen over her eyes before continuing to push the cart forward. That casual tilt of the head, that simple raising of her handβthere was such a distinct charm to her movements that Lu Zizheng found herself staring, completely dazed.
She didn’t snap out of it until Jiang Huaixi suddenly appeared by her side, looking at her with a half-smile, and spoke up without warning: “I think when we go out together, it’d be best if you maintained your image a little. Don’t drag my image down with you.”
Lu Zizheng came back to her senses in embarrassment, blankly asking, “So?”
Jiang Huaixi shook her head and sighed with a look of disappointment, as if Lu Zizheng were beyond help. “I think that can’t be sold anymore. Where’s that civic-mindedness you’re always so proud of?”
Perplexed, Lu Zizheng looked down, only to realize that the bag of instant noodles she was holding had been crushed into complete powder at some point.
Jiang Huaixi smiled. “The evidence is ironclad. No excuses.”
Lu Zizheng was utterly defeated. “⦔
When the two of them happily returned to Mother Lu’s home carrying the groceries, they opened the door to find her sitting on the sofa, clutching her lower left abdomen with a look of clear agony on her face. Seeing them return, Mother Lu still forced herself up and walked toward them, putting on a brave face as she tried to take the shopping bags from their hands to bring into the kitchen.
Instantly, the smile on Lu Zizheng’s face vanished, replaced by deep worry. She set down the bags and rushed forward to support her mother, asking in a low voice, “Mom, what’s wrong?”
Jiang Huaixi bent down to pick up the bag Lu Zizheng had dropped, set both bags aside, and then turned back to open the front door. “Support Auntie,” she instructed Lu Zizheng. “Let’s go to the hospital.”
But Mother Lu pushed Lu Zizheng’s hand away, forcing a smile. “I’m fine, it’s just some stomach pain. An old ailment. You and Huaixi shouldn’t make a mountain out of a molehill. I’ll be fine after sitting for a bit. Why go to the hospital?”
Naturally, Lu Zizheng couldn’t let it rest. “Mom, look how much pain you’re in. Let’s go get it checked out at the hospital. How can I feel at ease otherwise?” she insisted.
Jiang Huaixi also stepped forward, gently advising, “Auntie, let’s go⦔
But Mother Lu remained stubborn. “You kids just love overreacting. I’m really fine. Don’t I know my own body? It’s been an old ailment for years. I’ve tried both Chinese and Western medicine, and nothing works. It’s just reacting because of the cold rain today.” She stood up, patted Jiang Huaixi’s shoulder, and smiled warmly. “Huaixi, save the strength you’d use to drag me to the hospital, and come help me out in the kitchen instead.”
Jiang Huaixi glanced at the anxious Lu Zizheng, then at the stubborn Mother Lu. Knowing she couldn’t win this argument, she had no choice but to compromise. “Alright, Auntie. Since you don’t want to go to the hospital, go lie down and rest for a bit. Let me handle dinner.”
Mother Lu still refused. “How could I do that? I invited you over for dinner tonight, so how could I let you⦔ Before she could finish, Lu Zizheng cut in, “Mom, go rest. Huaixi won’t mind.”
Jiang Huaixi carried the groceries into the kitchen while Lu Zizheng helped her mother into the bedroom. She went back to the living room to pour her mother a glass of warm water, brought it to her, and then closed the bedroom door. Finally, she returned to the living room and sat down on the sofa.
Sitting on the sofa, Lu Zizheng didn’t even turn on the television. As night fell and darkness gradually enveloped the room, she remained oblivious, completely forgetting to turn on the lights.
Wearing an apron and holding a spatula, Jiang Huaixi turned her head and saw Lu Zizheng sitting all alone in the dark. She turned back around, her eyebrows knitting together slightly. Then, her cool, quiet voice broke the silence, “Zizheng, come in and help me⦔
Pulled from her thoughts by the sudden voice, Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but shudder slightly. Coming to her senses, she realized the room had grown entirely dark, with only the kitchen casting a warm orange glow amidst the gloom.
With a heavy heart, she stood up and walked into the kitchen. Standing next to Jiang Huaixi, she silently grabbed the potatoes from beside the cutting board and began to peel them, one slow, mechanical stroke at a time.
After a brief moment of focus, her mind drifted back to her mother lying in the bedroom. She had always been prone to pessimistic thoughts, and now, all sorts of terrifying scenarios flooded her mind, leaving her anxious and barely able to control herself.
Since her father passed away, her mother had become her entire world. Her mother had promised she would never leave her. How could anything happen to her now�
That year, she had just entered her third year of middle school. Her father had passed away only two weeks prior when she was forced to stand in the principal’s office alongside her mother. In that stifling, suffocating room, she listened to the principal say to her mother in a grave, earnest tone, “Mother Lu, I strongly suggest you take her to see a psychiatrist. If this were in the past, she would have been arrested for hooliganism and sodomy3. I simply don’t have the heart to watch this child ruin her own life.”
She kept her head lowered, gripping her mother’s hand in fear, feeling the slight trembling of her mother’s palm.
The principal continued with his hypocritical advice, “Furthermore, look at the situation at school right now. It’s probably no longer suitable for her to continue her studies here. This matter has had a highly negative impact on her class, her classmates, and the school as a whole. Mother Lu, you should consider changing her environment and having her transfer.”
With red eyes, she looked up at this well-dressed, respectable-looking man in a suit. Not long ago, this very man had stood in front of the entire school, presenting her with the first-place certificate for the city’s science and technology innovation competition, telling all her peers to learn from her and be proud of her.
It was the same with the classmates who bullied her. Not long ago, they had politely borrowed her homework to copy. Yet not long after, they would throw her homework away for no reason, rip up her textbooks, and even spit on her desk.2
Why did they change so quickly, becoming so utterly foreign?
Had she really done something wrong?
Was she really sick?
Was she truly the deviant they claimed she was? Was that why they treated her this way?
Lu Zizheng felt as though her world had suddenly plunged into darkness. Everything began to spin, tilt, and sway, and her entire surroundings grew eerie and terrifyingβ¦
She heard her mother’s hoarse voice tell the principal, “Give us some time. We’ll transfer.”
Holding her mother’s hand, she followed her out of the principal’s office with heavy steps. Behind them, curious classmates waiting outside cast all sorts of looks at them, their hushed whispers drifting into her ears.
Her mother covered her ears, pulling her half-embraced as they walked briskly out, practically in a run to escape.
Finally, they left that school behind, escaping that eerie, suffocating darknessβ¦
Holding her close, the tears her mother had managed to hold back in front of the principal finally fell.
Lu Zizheng had only ever seen her mother cry three times: the first was at her father’s funeral, the second was then. Her chest felt so tight it ached, and her voice broke with heavy sobs as overwhelming guilt flooded her heart. She could do nothing but frantically apologize, “Mom, is itβ¦ really that wrong of me to like girls? Am I really some scary deviant? I’m sorry, Mom, it’s all my fault. I was wrong, please don’t cry, I was wrong⦔ She wept so hard she could barely breathe, but beneath the guilt lay an agonizing sense of grievance. “Is it because I was wrong that everyone stayed away from me, shut me out, and the school didn’t want me anymore? Is that why the teachers looked down on me? Mom, is it because I committed a crime that Dad had to pay the price and leave us?” Terrified, she clung to her mother, asking, “Mom, are you going to abandon me because of this too? Are you going to leave me, Mom? Momβ¦ Please don’t leave meβ¦ I’ll change, I’ll change, I’ll change everything⦔
But her mother hugged her back with deep heartache, repeatedly comforting her in her ear, “No, Zhengzheng, no. You didn’t do anything wrong. Mom will never leave you⦔1
Back then, her mother spoke weakly but firmly, “Zhengzheng, you’re not wrong, and you’re not sick. You just made a different choice from most people, so don’t be afraid. It’s just like how some people like green vegetables, but you prefer radishes. What’s wrong with that? They are the ones who are wrong. Your father didn’t abandon you; his passing was an accident, so how could it have anything to do with you? And I will never abandon you eitherβnever, ever.”1
Her mother said, “Zhengzheng, you must believe me. Even if everyone in this world stands against you, I will stand by your side, forever and ever, and I will never leave you.”
Her mother didn’t know that she had truly relied on those words to get through so many yearsβ¦
From then on, she believed that no matter how desolate the world became, there would always be one person who would stay with her, never to abandon herβ¦
But now, she began to feel terrified. Just how far was the “forever and ever” her mother had promised?
Lu Zizheng’s eyes gradually, slowly turned red, and her hands peeling the potato slowly, gradually ground to a halt. She had fallen deep into her self-conjured grief, unable to pull herself outβ¦
Suddenly, her vision went dark as a cold hand brushed over her eyes. The sudden chill made her close her eyes as a reflex. Then she heard Jiang Huaixi’s flat voice say in her ear, “If you want to cry, just cry. Doesn’t it hurt to hold it in?”
Lu Zizheng tried to open her eyes, only to find she couldn’t?! Her eyes felt burning hot, and tears flooded down uncontrollably. It wasβ¦ Oh! Didn’t Jiang Huaixi know she had been chopping chili peppers just now? She had to have done it on purpose!
In an instant, all her sorrow was thrown to the winds. Lu Zizheng wiped her tears in a fit of embarrassment and anger, her fighting spirit surging as a single thought echoed in her mind: Jiang Huaixi, you’re dead!
She was absolutely going to stuff the raw ginger and garlic from the cutting board straight into Jiang Huaixi’s mouth!
Footnotes
- Literally 'envy, jealousy, and hate' (xiΓ nmΓΉ jΓdΓΉ hΓ¨n), a popular Chinese internet catchphrase coined around 2009 to describe a progression of envious feelings.
- Literally 'not eating the food of the mortal world' (bΓΉ shΓ rΓ©njiΔn yΔnhuΗ), a Daoist-derived idiom describing someone who seems pure, otherworldly, and above mundane human desires.
- Hooliganism (liΓΊmΓ‘ngzuΓ¬) and sodomy (jΔ«jiΔnzuΓ¬) were severe offenses under the older Chinese criminal codes, carrying heavy legal penalties and social stigma before legal reforms in 1997.
This is so sad.
I like that Huaixi is always caring for her.