STT – Chapter 37
by Little PandaWhy Are You Still So Good to Me?
Lu Zizheng arrived at the hospital a little past two in the morning. She wore only a thin sweater, her hair disheveled, her face pale, her eyes bloodshot. Standing before the glass window of the ICU, she stared fixedly at Mother Lu on the bed and asked Jiang Huaixi, her voice trembling so faintly it was barely perceptible, “What did the doctor say?”
Jiang Huaixi stood behind Lu Zizheng, her heart aching as she watched her bite her lip and pretend to be strong. She hesitated, unable to bring herself to tell her, and deflected: “The doctor said we need to wait until she wakes up for a thorough examination.”
Lu Zizheng whipped around, fixing Jiang Huaixi with a sharp gaze, her voice cold. “Huaixi, tell me. Don’t lie to me.”
Jiang Huaixi started. She drew a breath, fell silent for a long while, then confessed hoarsely, “Late-stage gastric cancer. They told us to… be mentally prepared.”
Lu Zizheng’s whole body shuddered. She couldn’t keep her balance, staggering back a few steps, one hand bracing against the ICU glass. In an instant, tears spilled from her eyes and streamed silently down her face.
Jiang Huaixi’s own eyes reddened at the sight. She sniffed, gently slipped off her coat and draped it over Lu Zizheng’s thin shoulders, then turned and walked a few paces away to make a call, asking someone to bring food. Afterward, she returned to Lu Zizheng’s side and stood behind her, keeping her company in silence. At this moment, every word of comfort seemed unbearably pale and powerless.
When the food arrived, Jiang Huaixi opened the container, took out the chopsticks and a spoon, and offered them to Lu Zizheng. “Have at least a little.”
Lu Zizheng didn’t reach for them. She shook her head—no appetite.
Jiang Huaixi set down the chopsticks, picked up the spoon, scooped a spoonful of rice, and brought it to Lu Zizheng’s mouth.
Lu Zizheng turned to look at her, her gaze heavy with something Jiang Huaixi couldn’t decipher.
After a long while, Lu Zizheng finally opened her mouth and ate.
Jiang Huaixi immediately scooped up a spoonful of soup and offered it.
Lu Zizheng drank it, then reached out and took the spoon and food from her. She lowered her head, hastily ate a few bites, and pushed it back to Jiang Huaixi.
Jiang Huaixi couldn’t bring herself to press her further. She set the food aside, took the spoon herself, and hastily drank a few mouthfuls of soup.
They stayed together until dawn. Jiang Huaixi had someone bring daily necessities, clean clothes, and breakfast. She pulled Lu Zizheng to the hospital room she usually used next door to wash up. Lu Zizheng was reluctant to leave, but Jiang Huaixi said calmly, “You don’t want Auntie to see you looking this haggard and worry about you, do you?”
Only then did Lu Zizheng reluctantly go.
In the morning, Mother Lu woke up and was taken off the ventilator. Following the doctor’s instructions, Lu Zizheng and Jiang Huaixi went in to see her one at a time.
Once inside, Lu Zizheng surprised herself by not shedding a single tear in front of Mother Lu. Instead, she smiled and comforted her: “Mom, don’t worry. The doctor says it’s nothing serious. You’ll be up and better in a few days.”
Mother Lu knew her own body perfectly well. She had long known this day would come. Seeing Lu Zizheng’s forced smile only made her heart ache more. She looked at her daughter with tender sympathy, managed a smile, and said, “Mm, Mom isn’t worried at all. As long as you’re well, Mom isn’t afraid of anything.”
Lu Zizheng didn’t stay inside long before covering her face and leaving, afraid that if she lingered even one more second, she would break down in tears in front of her mother.
Jiang Huaixi’s voice was already terribly hoarse from days of illness and a sleepless night. The moment she stepped in, she apologized in a low, raspy voice: “Auntie, I’m sorry.” Sorry for not noticing sooner. Sorry for being too careless. Sorry for being so stupid.
Mother Lu shook her head lovingly. “Good child, what fault is yours? If anything, it’s Auntie who owes you an apology, dragging you into all this worry.”
Jiang Huaixi’s eyes reddened, as if a thousand words were choking in her throat. In the end, she made just one low, steady promise: “Auntie, don’t worry about Zizheng. I’m here.”
Mother Lu smiled, relieved. “With your word, Auntie can rest easy.”
The next day, at Mother Lu’s insistence, she was moved out of the ICU and transferred to a double room that Jiang Huaixi had specially arranged—one bed for Mother Lu, one for Lu Zizheng to rest in.
With the submission of the treatment records Mother Lu had previously hidden from Lu Zizheng, and the hospital’s follow-up examinations, the diagnosis was confirmed: late-stage gastric cancer. She didn’t have much time left.
When Lu Zizheng learned the news from the Director in the director’s office, she stood ramrod straight, calmly said “Thank you,” and walked out expressionless. Jiang Huaixi, uneasy, hurried after her, but Lu Zizheng turned and declined quietly: “Huaixi, don’t tell my mother. I need to be alone for a while.”
That evening, as dusk was falling, Lu Zizheng returned with dinner, behaving as though nothing had happened. But her red, swollen eyes betrayed her mercilessly. Entering the room, she chatted and laughed naturally as she set up a little table for Mother Lu, saying sweetly, “Mom, look what good things I’ve brought you to eat.”
Jiang Huaixi sat on the other bed, watching Lu Zizheng’s obviously tear-swollen eyes, her own gaze dimming.
The second bed in the room might as well have been ornamental. Lu Zizheng almost never climbed onto it to rest. Both Mother Lu and Jiang Huaixi worried that she would collapse, sometimes having to scold her sternly just to get her to lie down for a while.
But Lu Zizheng had always slept poorly, and now it was worse than ever. She was utterly exhausted—she could fall asleep the moment her head touched the pillow—but within minutes she would jolt awake, needing to look and confirm that Mother Lu was still lying safely in her bed before she could settle.
In just one week, Lu Zizheng had wasted away to skin and bones.
On Tuesday afternoon, Lu Zizheng and Jiang Huaixi were both in the room chatting with Mother Lu when Lu Zizheng’s phone rang. She glanced at the caller ID—it was Ji Yao. She hesitated, not wanting to pick up.
Mother Lu urged, “Zizheng, why aren’t you answering?”
After much hesitation, Lu Zizheng answered.
On the other end, Ji Yao said, “Lu Zizheng, I’ll be at the coffee shop across from your translation agency at four. I’ll wait for you there.”
Lu Zizheng was baffled. “Can’t you tell me whatever it is over the phone?”
Ji Yao insisted with practiced mystery: “You’ll understand when you come. I’ll keep waiting for you there.” Then she hung up.
Lu Zizheng stared at the ended call, frowning, not understanding.
Mother Lu smiled weakly. “Zizheng, if you have something to attend to, go ahead. Huaixi is here with me. Don’t worry.”
Lu Zizheng looked uneasily at Jiang Huaixi, who nodded, signaling her not to worry. Lu Zizheng hesitated a moment longer, then finally stood, put on her coat, and left to keep the appointment.
After Lu Zizheng left, only Mother Lu and Jiang Huaixi remained in the room. Jiang Huaixi peeled a piece of fruit for Mother Lu, the peel coming off in a thin, unbroken ribbon, quite beautiful. Mother Lu couldn’t help but remark, “Hard to believe—a few years ago, you were a pampered young lady who’d never lifted a finger and couldn’t do a thing.”
Jiang Huaixi smiled, abashed.
Then Mother Lu said with sudden feeling, “Huaixi, it’s been hard on you, all for Zizheng’s sake.”
Jiang Huaixi froze, looking at Mother Lu, unsure how to respond.
Mother Lu regarded her steadily, her eyes wise and piercing. “Huaixi, tell Auntie—what are you afraid of?”
Jiang Huaixi’s smile stiffened, then faded from her lips. Under Mother Lu’s gaze, all her hesitation seemed to have nowhere to hide.
She asked herself the same question: Jiang Huaixi, what are you afraid of?
She thought back to that year, when she had just recovered from a serious illness and returned to school. She arrived in time for the radio station’s farewell party for the graduating seniors. The station’s acknowledged golden couple, Huang Ze and Qi Yu, had both quietly stayed away. After the party ended, she walked with Lu Zizheng along the long avenue by the campus lake. Streetlights stretched their shadows long behind them, and a cool breeze drifted against their faces. She looked at Lu Zizheng beside her, and time and again felt the urge to just keep walking with her like this until the end of time. Lu Zizheng slowly stepped off the avenue onto the wooden boardwalk by the lake. Gazing out over the water, she asked softly, “Huaixi, why do people always make promises they can’t keep? If Huang Ze and Qi Yu had never started, would they not be strangers now? If they’d never tasted the brief joy of love, would they not feel this long regret and pain after parting? If it can’t last forever, what’s the point of having had it at all?”
It was as if she’d been struck hard on the head. A chill crept through her heart. She lowered her gaze, standing behind Lu Zizheng, watching her intently for a long while. At last she replied, heavily, “Perhaps so.”
Jiang Huaixi had been in and out of hospitals for as long as she could remember, in and out of emergency rooms. She had long grown accustomed to lying still while medical instruments probed and examined her body, never once shedding a tear from fear. Having escaped death on the operating table more than once, she had long understood that in life there are too many things one cannot hold on to, cannot force, cannot covet—all one can do is face them with calm composure, without fear. The Buddha spoke of the Eight Sufferings1 of life—birth, aging, sickness, death, encountering what one resents, separation from loved ones, not obtaining what one seeks, and the inability to let go. She had thought she was already beyond them all. Then Lu Zizheng appeared in her life and made her taste every one of those myriad flavors.
How could she dare make promises she couldn’t guarantee to Lu Zizheng? She wasn’t afraid of her own heartache—only that Lu Zizheng would be disappointed and hurt again.
Jiang Huaixi didn’t know how to answer Mother Lu’s question. A thousand emotions swirled in her chest. In the end, she said only one thing, low and quiet: “Auntie, I’m sorry. I’m not brave enough.”
Mother Lu sighed, reached out, and gently patted Jiang Huaixi’s shoulder. “Silly child, Auntie knows you must have reasons you can’t speak of. Just know this: if Auntie could entrust Zizheng to your hands, she could leave this world with peace of mind.”
Jiang Huaixi looked at Mother Lu, her eyes gradually misting over.
At the coffee shop, Ji Yao sat across from Lu Zizheng, studying her coldly for a long moment before speaking. “Lu Zizheng, I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint you again.”
Lu Zizheng had neither the time nor the energy for her snide barbs. “I’m in a hurry,” she said flatly. “Please make it brief.”
Ji Yao gave a light laugh, pulled out a check, and slid it across the table. “Lian Xuan asked me to tell you she’s sorry. The promise she made to you—she still can’t keep it. She wants you to leave her sight and stop bothering her. The check is yours—fill in whatever amount you like.”
Lu Zizheng’s face went cold. She bit her lip, then laughed in furious disbelief. She slammed her palm on the table, stood up, and slapped the check back down in front of Ji Yao. “Ask her for me—how much does she think her feelings for me are worth?” she said coldly. “Tell Lian Xuan that in my eyes, they’re already worthless!” Hadn’t Lian Xuan humiliated her enough already? Even though she hadn’t taken her later promises to heart, she had believed Lian Xuan had her reasons, that she’d had no choice, and had gradually softened and let go. But in the end, what did Lian Xuan give her in return?
With that, Lu Zizheng ignored Ji Yao’s stunned expression, pulled a stack of cash from her wallet, and tossed it in front of Ji Yao for the coffee. Then she grabbed her bag and walked out without looking back.
On her way out, Lu Zizheng couldn’t stop a single tear from falling. But she wiped it away at once, scolding herself—for someone who toyed with her like that, it wasn’t worth it at all.
And yet the hurt remained. Why did everyone’s promises weigh so little? Were all promises really just lies told by cheats to fools? She hated liars, yet she despised herself for always being the fool.
She had just settled into a taxi heading back to the hospital when her phone rang. It was Jiang Huaixi, her voice panicked and helpless: “Zizheng, come back. Auntie is back in the emergency room.”
In that instant, even Jiang Huaixi’s quiet voice sent Lu Zizheng’s ears ringing, and her phone slipped from beside her ear onto the car seat.
The moment she arrived at the hospital, Lu Zizheng ran toward the emergency room as fast as she could. From a distance, as she raced toward Jiang Huaixi, she caught the doctor stepping out and saying to her: “You’d better prepare yourselves.”
The next second, Lu Zizheng’s legs gave out, and she crumpled onto the cold hospital floor.
Jiang Huaixi heard the heavy impact, turned, and saw Lu Zizheng sprawled on the ground. She rushed over and reached out to help her up, but Lu Zizheng, with a burst of strength from nowhere, shoved her hard. Jiang Huaixi stumbled backward and fell.
All the pain and anguish Lu Zizheng had been suppressing since her mother’s hospitalization erupted at last. She sobbed uncontrollably, her voice hoarse as she screamed at Jiang Huaixi: “Go away! Go away! Aren’t you all just lying to me? You’re all going to leave me—none of you want me! Just go away, leave me alone…”
Jiang Huaixi pressed her lips tight, eyes red, and silently pushed herself up with one hand. She didn’t so much as glance at her scraped knuckles. Gritting through the pain, she limped over to Lu Zizheng, crouched down, and opened her arms. She drew Lu Zizheng into her embrace. Her voice was just as hoarse, yet impossibly gentle: “Zizheng, don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. I’m here.”
Lu Zizheng thrashed and pushed, trying to break free, weeping as she accused her: “You don’t want me either, do you? Didn’t you say we could only be good friends? Why are you still so good to me, when in the end you’ll leave me too…”
But Jiang Huaixi held her tight, refusing to let go. Lu Zizheng felt something cool and wet trailing down her neck.
Gradually, Lu Zizheng stopped struggling. She went still, leaning weakly into Jiang Huaixi’s embrace, letting Jiang Huaixi hold her close…
Goddamn it 😭😭😭