STT – Chapter 29
by Little PandaI Am Just a Coward When It Comes to Love
When Lu Zizheng’s maternal uncle learned that she and Mother Lu had returned to Juzhou, he warmly invited them to spend New Year’s Eve at his home for a family reunion dinner.
Mother Lu smiled and politely declined, but promised to visit on New Year’s Day for a meal together.
On New Year’s Eve, as they ate their reunion dinner, Mother Lu set out a bowl and chopsticks at the place where Lu Zizheng’s father used to sit. She smiled at her daughter and said, “I wonder if your father will be angry with me—it’s been so long since we had a meal with him…”
Lu Zizheng helped her bring the dishes out from the kitchen and replied with a light laugh, “Dad won’t be angry with you. He doted on you so much…”
Mother Lu nodded in agreement, then shook her head. “Your father should be angry with you. You didn’t bring anyone home to show him this year, either. He must be getting anxious…”
Lu Zizheng sat down and ladled a bowl of soup for her mother, quickly changing the subject. “Mom, I’m hungry. Let’s eat.”
Mother Lu sighed helplessly, picking up food for Lu Zizheng as she reminded her, “Huaixi called me just now to wish me a Happy New Year.”
Lu Zizheng’s chopsticks paused for a brief moment. She gave a low “Mm” in reply.
Mother Lu watched her daughter’s unhurried, soft demeanor and decided to prod her. “Zhengzheng, Huaixi’s patience won’t last forever. Sometimes, you need to learn to take the initiative and soften first.”
Lu Zizheng held her bowl, her index finger tracing the rim in slow circles for a long moment before she whispered, “Mom… give me a little more time.”
Mother Lu was briefly stunned. Time… I don’t know if we can still wait for it. But still, she looked at her daughter with fondness, her eyes crinkling into a smile. “Mm. I won’t push you. Just keep it in mind. Come on, let’s eat.”
After dinner, Lu Zizheng followed her mother into the kitchen. Mother Lu washed the dishes while Lu Zizheng helped rinse them. Her mother said with feeling, “Another year older. If I’m not around one day, you need to know how to take care of yourself properly, so I can rest easy. Understand?”
Before her hands were even dry, Lu Zizheng wrapped her arms around her mother and nuzzled against her neck, whining, “I’ll take good care of myself, but you have to stay by my side forever.”
Mother Lu patted her head helplessly and nudged her away, grabbing a towel to dry her daughter’s hands. “Still acting like a child who never grows up,” she said with a smile.
After the kitchen was tidied up, they went back to the living room to watch the Spring Festival Gala. But barely halfway through, Mother Lu said she was tired and wanted to rest first, and that she’d get up to set off the firecrackers at midnight.
Lu Zizheng was tired from the deep cleaning and New Year shopping of the past few days, and her mind wasn’t on the show anyway, so she turned off the TV and went to her room, too.
She lay back against her bed, listening to the overlapping bursts of firecrackers and fireworks outside her window, staring blankly at her phone.
She opened her text messages and clicked on Jiang Huaixi’s name. Scrolling all the way to the very first one, she began to read through them, one by one.
Over so many years, she and Jiang Huaixi had exchanged tens of thousands of messages. At some point, she had started being unable to bear deleting the ones Jiang Huaixi sent. Later, whenever her storage was full, she would take out a notebook and copy them down by hand, and only then delete them after reading through them one more time.
She scrolled through the messages now, reliving the conversations and the scenes behind them, and her heart began to slowly settle.
The clock’s hands crept toward midnight. She heard her mother leave the room to go set off the firecrackers. As the clock struck twelve, a deafening cascade of firecrackers erupted from all directions, followed by wave after wave of fireworks.
Lu Zizheng finally opened the chat window and sent Jiang Huaixi a message: “Happy New Year.”
The reply came in an instant. But it was just four simple, emotionless words: “Happy New Year.”
Lu Zizheng stared at those four words for a long time, her finger hovering over the text box. She typed, deleted, typed again, and deleted once more. In the end, she closed out of the window without saying anything at all.
She first sent a New Year’s message to Xu Bohan and asked when would be a convenient time to visit. Then she composed a group greeting and sent it to some colleagues and acquaintances. After receiving Xu Bohan’s reply, Lu Zizheng turned off her phone, took a shower, and went to sleep.
On New Year’s Day, Lu Zizheng ate breakfast and then went with her mother to her uncle’s house to pay a New Year’s call.
Her father’s family had been single-son for generations, with no relatives left to visit. On her mother’s side, only her uncle’s family remained.
When her uncle and aunt saw Mother Lu, their eyes reddened with joy, and they pulled her down to sit and catch up. Lu Zizheng stayed in the living room with them for a while, and then her cousin dragged her away.
She and her cousin1 hadn’t been especially close as children, but because her uncle had always taken good care of her and her mother, the two families visited often, and they were familiar enough with each other. Years had passed, and now her cousin seemed much more approachable and easier to get along with.
Her cousin warmly asked Lu Zizheng about her life and work in Linzhou and chatted about everyday matters for a long time before hesitantly broaching the subject. “Cousin… did you ever see Lian Xuan again after that?”
Lu Zizheng was a little startled. She understood what her cousin was getting at and gave a gentle smile before answering, “Whether I saw her again or not doesn’t matter anymore. It’s all in the past. Don’t dwell on it.”
Her cousin bit her lip and looked at Lu Zizheng with sincere regret. “I’m sorry. It was all my fault. I’ve owed you this apology for years.”
Back then, her uncle had been laid off, and her aunt was a housewife. The family had suddenly lost its source of income. Her uncle’s original workplace was a subsidiary of the Lian family’s company. At the time, everyone at school knew that Lu Zizheng and Lian Xuan were close. Her cousin attended the same school and had heard the rumors, too. Seeing the gloom hanging over her own family, and with no other options, she came begging Lu Zizheng for help. She said, “Sis, hasn’t our family treated you and Auntie well all these years? Please, just help us. You and Lian Xuan are so close—for you, it’s just saying one word. And for Lian Xuan, keeping one person on staff is nothing.”
Lu Zizheng had never dared to ask Lian Xuan for anything back then. She was terrified of putting Lian Xuan in an awkward position, and even more terrified of Lian Xuan looking down on her. So of course, she repeatedly shook her head and refused.
But her cousin was desperate. She started saying anything that came to mind, shouting that Lu Zizheng was ungrateful, that all the family’s kindness over the years had been wasted, that she wouldn’t even lift a finger when it was just one word, and that if real trouble ever came, they could never count on her. Her uncle had raised a thankless wolf.
Lu Zizheng couldn’t withstand her cousin’s barrage of pleas and accusations. After much hesitation, she finally nodded and agreed. That was the first time she had ever opened her mouth to ask Lian Xuan for a favor. And it was, of course, the last.
Lu Zizheng sighed and gave a faint smile. “You weren’t wrong. I was. Really, just forget it.”
Back then, she had been terribly wrong. Wrong to trust the warmth in Lian Xuan’s smile when she looked at her. Wrong to mistake the heat and sweetness of Lian Xuan’s lips against hers. Wrong to overestimate what Lian Xuan felt for her.
The first time, Zhou Fangfan had kissed her on the lips and then abandoned her to the storm’s fury. The second time, Lian Xuan had kissed her on the lips and then left her to the tempest.
Zhou Fangfan left her with nothing but a mouthful of spit and the word “freak.” What Lian Xuan gave her was a look of contempt and the accusation that she had misjudged her.
Lu Zizheng didn’t understand: if a kiss wasn’t proof of love, then why, when she loved someone, did she crave the warmth of their lips so desperately? But if a kiss was proof of love, then why could they still turn around and choose to hurt you, to deal you the fatal blow?
On the third day of the new year, Lu Zizheng accepted Xu Bohan’s invitation and went to the Xu Residence.
Just as in high school, Xu Bohan sent a driver to pick her up. When they arrived, the driver relayed Xu Bohan’s instructions. “Miss Xu said you can go directly to her bedroom. It’s the room on the first floor, first left.”
In all the years Lu Zizheng had known Xu Bohan, she had been to the Xu home many times, but this was her first time entering Xu Bohan’s bedroom.
The door was slightly ajar. Lu Zizheng knocked twice softly and heard Xu Bohan’s warm, gentle voice answer, “Zizheng? Come in.”
Lu Zizheng pushed the door open and saw Xu Bohan sitting in her wheelchair at the desk, a thick woolen blanket over her knees. She was leaning her head to the side, smiling warmly at her.
Lu Zizheng closed the door and turned around. Xu Bohan patted the chair beside her, signaling for her to sit.
Lu Zizheng noticed that the computer was on. From the speakers, a soft instrumental piece faded out, and then a clear, cool, beautiful female voice began: “Dear listeners, good evening. I am your DJ, Jiang Huai…”
Lu Zizheng was taken aback. She looked at Xu Bohan in confusion. Xu Bohan smiled and asked, “Remember this?”
Lu Zizheng’s eyes curved into crescents. “Of course I do.”
If she remembered correctly, this episode was the first time she and Jiang Huaixi had worked together. She had written the script, and Jiang Huaixi had broadcast it.
Back in their freshman year, after returning to campus from New Year’s, Xu Bohan had told her that the campus radio station was recruiting new students. Xu Bohan had been a Chinese literature major and was the station’s vice-director2. She had always encouraged Lu Zizheng to give it a try. Lu Zizheng had been swayed by her persuasion, and since Xu Bohan was there, she’d signed up. To her surprise, she made it through three rounds of interviews and written exams and was accepted.
On the first Monday after recruitment ended, the station held a general assembly. Lu Zizheng followed Xu Bohan and listened to the station director deliver an impassioned speech from the podium. She was full of enthusiasm and ambition—until she turned her head and saw that hauntingly familiar face: Jiang Huaixi.
Jiang Huaixi sat with her hands clasped on the table, her back ramrod straight, her eyes fixed on the stage, listening with rapt attention as if she hadn’t noticed Lu Zizheng at all.
Lu Zizheng screamed inwardly, filled with chagrin. What a small world, she thought.
But then came the final part of the meeting, when the department heads went onstage to announce the new student groups. And as luck would have it, she and Jiang Huaixi were assigned to the same one. The moment Lu Zizheng heard the announcement, she turned her head reflexively toward Jiang Huaixi. Just then, Jiang Huaixi looked back at her. Their eyes met in midair, and Lu Zizheng clearly saw a flash of smug triumph in Jiang Huaixi’s gaze.
As soon as the meeting ended, Lu Zizheng couldn’t contain herself. She went straight to Xu Bohan and protested, demanding a reassignment.
Xu Bohan glanced at Jiang Huaixi, who was still nearby, and looked troubled. “The station director and Jiang Huaixi seem to know each other. I heard this grouping was Jiang Huaixi’s request…”
Lu Zizheng bit her lip, unhappy. “If it can’t be changed, then I’ll quit.”
Xu Bohan was shocked. “My dear girl, what deep-seated grudge do you two have that makes you so irreconcilable? Don’t be rash. Let me go talk to her.”
Lu Zizheng watched Xu Bohan wheel herself over to Jiang Huaixi. They exchanged a few words, and Jiang Huaixi frowned, glancing in her direction. A moment later, Jiang Huaixi strode straight over to her.
She stopped in front of Lu Zizheng, looking down at her as she sat. Her brow was furrowed, and her beautiful face was full of displeasure. “Do you really hate seeing me that much?”
Lu Zizheng kept her head down, refusing to meet her eyes, and said coldly, “I’m glad Miss Jiang has some self-awareness.”
Jiang Huaixi didn’t like her avoiding her gaze like that. She reached out and forcibly lifted Lu Zizheng’s chin, making her look at her. “Why won’t you look at me?”
Lu Zizheng had always hated this flippant, domineering attitude of hers. It infuriated her. She slapped Jiang Huaixi’s hand away and shot to her feet, hissing, “What’s with the grabbing? What’s there to look at? Why would I want to look at you?!”
Jiang Huaixi was caught off guard by the outburst. For a split second, panic flickered across her face before she quickly masked it. She stared coldly at Lu Zizheng for a long time, then let out a chilly laugh. “Fine. If you don’t want to be in my group, I won’t force you. But one day, I’ll make you go to the station director yourself and beg to be paired with me.” With that, she picked up her jacket from the table, draped it over her elbow, and strode out of the classroom with her long legs.
Lu Zizheng was a little intimidated by her powerful aura and watched her disappearing back in a daze.
Then Jiang Huaixi suddenly turned around, arched an eyebrow, and looked straight into Lu Zizheng’s eyes, throwing her own words back at her. “What are you looking at? Didn’t you say there was nothing worth seeing?”
Lu Zizheng was choked speechless. All she could do was watch Jiang Huaixi turn back around and walk away with a swagger. Xu Bohan, who had been quietly observing the whole exchange, finally couldn’t hold back her laughter. “You two… are you serious?”
Not long after, Lu Zizheng got her first taste of Jiang Huaixi’s iron will: she always meant what she said.
The episode playing now was the very first program they had done together after Lu Zizheng swallowed her pride and requested to be reassigned to Jiang Huaixi’s group.
Lu Zizheng asked Xu Bohan, “What made you think to listen to this?”
Xu Bohan’s gaze shifted to a red wedding invitation lying on the desk. “Huang Ze is getting married.”
Lu Zizheng stood up, picked up the invitation, and opened it. She asked quietly, “What about Qi Yu? How is she?”
Xu Bohan gave a bitter smile. “She went to America. Married a divorced American man for a green card.”
Lu Zizheng fell silent, feeling the same melancholy as Xu Bohan.
Huang Ze and Qi Yu were a year ahead of Lu Zizheng. They had been childhood sweethearts—classmates from elementary through high school, each harboring a secret crush on the other. In university, they happened to be admitted to the same school, and in their freshman year, they finally broke through that paper-thin barrier and got together. They were the golden couple of the radio station. But during Lu Zizheng’s sophomore year, they broke up. No one ever knew what happened. All anyone knew was that they both withdrew from the station. Later, word got around that Qi Yu went through one boyfriend after another, and Huang Ze did the same with girlfriends. The year they graduated, the station organized a farewell party, and the two of them, as if by silent agreement, didn’t show up. They never saw each other again.
Lu Zizheng sighed. “If they had never gotten together in the first place, maybe what they would have left each other is just a pure, unspoiled secret crush from their youth. When you think about it, it’s a shame, but it’s also beautiful.”
But Xu Bohan smiled. “If I were them—even knowing it would end like this—I would still have chosen to start. At least I would have had something, once.”
Lu Zizheng was startled by Xu Bohan’s decisiveness. “I never knew you were so brave and persistent when it comes to love, Jie.”
But Xu Bohan shook her head with a rueful smile. “You’re wrong. I am just a coward when it comes to love.”
A hint of sorrow touched her gentle face, and she asked Lu Zizheng softly, “Do you remember I told you I had a story to share with you?”
Lu Zizheng nodded solemnly. Her intuition told her this was not a happy story.
Everyone in this novel has it bad. Such realistic angst! The only brave one is JH but even she has fear!
Everyone in this novel has it bad. Such realistic angst! The only brave one is JH but even she has fear!