STT – Chapter 28
by Little PandaAfraid You Don’t Love Me as Much as I Imagined
With the New Year drawing near, Lu Zizheng took a shower after work and lay down on her bed to call her mother, planning to discuss buying New Year goods.
Mother Lu hesitated for a moment before telling Lu Zizheng, “Zhengzheng, Mom wants to go back to Juzhou to spend the New Year this year.”
Lu Zizheng froze for a moment, clearly caught off guard. Ever since her mother had come to Linzhou and bought a house here, starting from that very first year, her mother had never taken her back to spend the New Year.
Mother Lu’s voice sounded a little down. “It’s been so many years since I spent the New Year with your father…”
Lu Zizheng knew her mother missed her father. She felt a twinge of guilt; her mother had only left Juzhou and come here to make it easier to take care of her. Now that her mother wanted to go back, what right did she have to stop her? She agreed without the slightest hesitation. “Then let’s go back to Juzhou. I’ll book the tickets tomorrow. I have to work until the twenty-seventh, so I’ll book them for the morning of the twenty-eighth. Mom, do you want to wait and go with me, or head back first?”
Mother Lu replied, “I’ll go with you.”
After getting off work on the twenty-seventh, Lu Zizheng went home to grab her luggage and headed to her mother’s house. She had packed her bags the night before.
After dinner, she stood alone on the balcony, gazing out at the countless warm lights of the city in the distance, a sudden wave of loneliness washing over her. She and her mother had bought a house and made a home in this city, yet in the end, this place was still not her mother’s true resting place. No matter how many painful memories Juzhou held for them, she had to admit that her mother’s deepest longing was still there, her deepest roots anchored there, because the father her mother loved so much was there. The place where this heart resides is my home1. No matter how far they traveled, her mother’s roots would always remain with her father. But what about herself? Was she destined to drift, to forever be a rootless person?
That night, Lu Zizheng suffered from insomnia again. Since she had to wake up early the next morning to catch her train, she did not hesitate to shake two sleeping pills out from her drawer, swallow them, and sink into a deep sleep.
Through a hazy, sleep-addled blur, she saw the sky just beginning to brighten. Jiang Huaixi appeared by her bedside early in the morning, pulling away her blanket and tickling her underarms, teasingly urging her to hurry up and get out of bed.
She asked Jiang Huaixi, “Why so early? Are we running out of time to catch the train? Is the bullet train about to leave?”
Instead, Jiang Huaixi pulled her out of bed and pushed her into the bathroom, laughing. “You really haven’t woken up yet…” She squeezed some toothpaste onto the toothbrush and handed it over, then filled her cup with water and gave it to her before adding, “Didn’t we agree yesterday? No backing out now.”
Lu Zizheng was completely dazed and confused, yet she felt that waking up to see Jiang Huaixi right before her eyes was so wonderful it felt like a dream. Suddenly, like a sudden bolt of clarity, she realized—perhaps she was indeed dreaming.
Lost in thought, she brushed her teeth mechanically and turned her head to look at Jiang Huaixi. Jiang Huaixi had also just finished brushing her teeth. She spat out the last of the foam, rinsed her mouth, and left her lips looking pink and glistening. Noticing Lu Zizheng staring, she raised her eyebrows in query and pouted slightly, looking exceptionally adorable.
Lu Zizheng felt her heart melting. Since it was a dream, she could do whatever she wanted without any restraint, couldn’t she? She set down her cup, unable to suppress the longing in her heart, and reached out to pull Jiang Huaixi close. Under Jiang Huaixi’s startled gaze, she pressed her lips against hers, branding her with a passionate kiss.
After a brief moment of surprise, Jiang Huaixi did not push her away. She wrapped an arm around her waist and gently stroked the hair near her ear, responding with soft, delicate tenderness.
As the kiss ended, Lu Zizheng’s cheeks burned. Her eyes shone brightly as she gazed at Jiang Huaixi, who was flushed and breathing slightly hard, unable to look away for even a second. Jiang Huaixi curled the corners of her lips slightly, staring back at her. She pressed her index finger against her lips, pursed her red mouth gently, and whispered, “It seems I neglected Zizheng last night…”
It was the first time Lu Zizheng had ever seen Jiang Huaixi look so alluring and enchanting. Her face flushed instantly, and she dared not look at her. Only then did she hear Jiang Huaixi let out a soft laugh, pulling her hand to lead her outside as she teased with a mischievous smile, “Weren’t you quite bold just now? So you dare to do it, but you’re too shy to admit it…”
Lu Zizheng turned to look at Jiang Huaixi, her own eyes curving into a smile. If she could have dreams like this every night, she would be willing to live in them forever.
It turned out that the thing Jiang Huaixi said she had agreed to was to climb a mountain with her. Standing at the foot of the mountain, Lu Zizheng looked up at the towering peak lost in the clouds and hesitated. As if sensing her fear, Jiang Huaixi stroked her cheek, kissed her forehead, and comforted her in a gentle voice, “Don’t be afraid. I’m right here with you.”
She took Lu Zizheng’s hand, locking their fingers together. Lu Zizheng squeezed Jiang Huaixi’s soft hand tightly, feeling as if she held the entire world in her palm and had absolutely nothing to fear. Following Jiang Huaixi’s lead, they chatted and laughed all the way, climbing with high spirits until they reached the summit.
But just as they finally made it to the highest peak and stood side by side to take in the beautiful scenery, Lu Zizheng turned her head—only to see Zhou Fangfan and Lin Wei.
They stood not far away, glaring at her and Jiang Huaixi, speaking in voices dripping with disdain. “Oh, Zizheng, so many years have passed and you’re still a deviant, huh? Out here ruining someone else’s life again. Why didn’t your mother just commit you to a mental asylum back then?” With that, they spat in their direction and walked off, their heads held high in haughty arrogance.
She gripped Jiang Huaixi’s hand tightly, shielding her to keep her from seeing their hideous faces.
But no sooner had Zhou Fangfan and Lin Wei left than Ji Yao and Lian Xuan appeared out of nowhere. Shaking her head, Ji Yao told her with regret, “I told you back then, Lian Xuan was only curious about you for a moment. She just found it amusing. She knows everything about your past. I warned you not to fall too deep, but you wouldn’t listen. See? Look how much you suffered later. If you know what’s good for you, stay far away from Lian Xuan from now on. Stop pestering her.”
Lu Zizheng defended herself loudly, “I didn’t pester Lian Xuan…”
But Lian Xuan merely cast a disdainful look at her—just as she had back then—and vanished along with Ji Yao.
She felt deeply wronged and wanted comfort, but then she felt the grasp in her hand go empty. Turning her head, she realized Jiang Huaixi was gone. Looking back, she saw Jiang Huaixi standing far across from her, blocked by a row of people: Grandmother Jiang, Father Jiang, and Mother Jiang. Mother Jiang said, “Zizheng, stop coming to see our Huaixi. How could our Huaixi be a deviant like you? Let her go.”
She cried, rushing toward Mother Jiang, trying to break through the heavy barrier of the Jiang family to reach Jiang Huaixi, but she could not push past them no matter what. Left with no choice, she wept and begged Mother Jiang to let them be together. “Auntie, I truly love Huaixi. I’ll love her more than anyone else will.”
But Mother Jiang replied, “If you truly love her, let her go so she can live a normal life in the sun. Don’t make her live like this, facing one humiliation after another even on a simple mountain hike. Is forcing Huaixi into this kind of life really how you show your love for her?”
For a moment, she was completely speechless, unable to offer any defense. She could only look at Jiang Huaixi through tear-filled eyes, her gaze desperate with hope for help.
But Jiang Huaixi stood behind Father Jiang and Grandmother Jiang. After murmuring a soft “I’m sorry,” she turned and walked away with Mother Jiang and the others.
She stood alone on the mountain peak in despair, her legs trembling violently and her heart hammering wildly against her ribs. She could barely hold her balance, yet there was nothing around her to grasp or lean on. As a fierce, freezing mountain wind swept past, her footing gave way, and she was blown off the edge, plunging into the bottomless abyss…
Lu Zizheng woke up from the pain. Before she even opened her eyes, her consciousness returned, and she heard her mother gently calling her, “Zhengzheng, don’t be afraid. Mom is here…”
She opened her eyes and saw her mother kneeling beside her, holding her close. She was lying on the cold floor. Her mother told her she had heard a thud from the next room and run in, only to find her crying on the floor.
Propping herself up on the floor with one hand, she sat up, rubbed the back of her head, wiped away her tears, and reassured her mother. “Mom, I’m fine. Go back to your room. It’s cold at night.”
Mother Lu said worriedly, “Did you get hurt anywhere? Was it a nightmare?”
Seeing that her mother had no intention of leaving just yet, Lu Zizheng pulled Mother Lu into bed to huddle under the covers with her. “I didn’t get hurt. It was just a nightmare.”
Mother Lu sighed, wrapping her arms around Lu Zizheng. “It’s alright. Don’t be afraid. Mom is here with you.”
Lu Zizheng snuggled into her mother’s embrace and pleaded in a low voice, “Mom, you have to stay with me forever. You can’t leave me.”
Mother Lu gently patted her back. “Silly child, how can Mom stay with you forever? There will come a day when I grow old and pass away.”
Lu Zizheng closed her eyes and murmured softly, “Then on the day you leave, I’ll go with you. Wherever you go, I’ll follow.”
Mother Lu stopped patting her back and gave her head a light slap in mock punishment. “What nonsense are you talking?”
Lu Zizheng fell silent, feeling sullen.
Mother Lu comforted her gently, “Stop letting your mind wander. Go to sleep…”
Eventually, Lu Zizheng drifted off to sleep in her mother’s arms.
When they got up in the morning, neither Lu Zizheng nor Mother Lu mentioned what had happened in the middle of the night. After eating breakfast, they hailed a cab to the station and boarded the train back to Juzhou.
Once they boarded, Lu Zizheng sat by the window, resting her chin on her hand as she stared silently at the scenery flying past outside, lost in thought.
The journey was full of dust and weariness, yet it was also as splendid as a field of blooming flowers. How could any passenger on this train bound for a distant land discern who along the way would merely be passing scenery, and who would be the long-awaited returning wild goose?
Her phone suddenly broke the silence, ringing with Jiang Huaixi’s name flashing on the screen. Lu Zizheng stared at it for a long time before finally picking up.
Jiang Huaixi’s voice was as cool and composed as ever. “Have you finished buying the New Year goods for your home? I want to get some things for my family this afternoon. If it’s convenient, come with me.”
Lu Zizheng knew the Jiang family would never actually need Jiang Huaixi to go out and buy New Year goods. Jiang Huaixi was just being considerate, worried that without a car, it would be inconvenient for her to shop. But as she watched the scenery slip away outside the window, she only felt a wave of listless exhaustion. “No need. My mom and I are going back to Juzhou this year. We’re already on the train.”
Jiang Huaixi was clearly surprised and asked, “How come I haven’t heard you mention this before?”
Lu Zizheng closed her eyes slightly and asked back coolly, “Why should I have told you?”
On the other end of the line, Jiang Huaixi was silent for a moment before calmly replying, “I see. Never mind then. Have a safe trip with Auntie. Goodbye.”
The line went dead with a series of beeps, but Lu Zizheng held the phone to her ear, listening to the busy signal without hanging up.
Huaixi, I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry…
Mother Lu turned her head and asked, “Was that Huaixi? Did you two have a falling out?”
Lu Zizheng leaned her head wearily against her mother’s shoulder and murmured, “Mom, I feel like Huaixi and I have lost our way. Originally, she and I were just taking a walk together in a forest, and neither of us was in a rush. But now that I want to leave, I find there’s only one exit ahead, and the signpost reads ‘High Risk.’ My heart is in complete turmoil. I don’t know if I should try to take Huaixi along to risk breaking our way out, but she has always remained so hard to read. I can’t understand what she’s thinking, and it only makes me feel more lost and helpless.”
Mother Lu gently stroked Lu Zizheng’s hair and said, “Why don’t you ask her if she wants to take that risk with you?”
Lu Zizheng replied, “I’m afraid…”
Mother Lu encouraged her, “Zhengzheng, do you remember what I always told you when you were little? Don’t be afraid. No matter what you face, you must remember to be brave.”
But Lu Zizheng only rested her head on her shoulder and whimpered softly, “Mom, I feel so sad…”
She was so afraid. If she did not reach out to hold onto Jiang Huaixi now, she would lose her one day. Yet she was even more afraid that even if she did reach out to hold her, she still would not be able to avoid losing her in the end. What she feared most of all was that she would not be able to hold onto her at all—that spilled water could never be gathered again, and by then, they would not even be able to remain friends.
Even though she knew it was wrong and she shouldn’t, she still could not help but want to demand more. Even though she hated her own weakness and cowardice above all, she still could not help but throw unreasonable tantrums, wanting to blame the other’s indulgence and tolerance.
Afraid you don’t love me as much as I imagined, not with that level of resolve; afraid you’ll leave halfway, leaving me all alone where we started; afraid that if you face criticism one day, you’ll begin to regret it and blame me for leading you astray; and most of all, afraid that your definition of our relationship is, in truth, only ever meant to be good friends, and never lovers…
Okay I shed some tears this chapter.
Okay I shed some tears this chapter.