It’s me, Lin Zhan
After Lin Xian left, this paradise that once had warmth and joy turned into a cold and lonely world for Xiao Wanqing.
Suppressing her cries, Xiao Wanqing leaned against the closed security door, her eyes red and swollen. Her disheveled hair stuck to her tear-stained cheeks, her arms wrapped around her knees as she buried her head, feeling helpless like a child.
After a while, she finally forced herself to suppress the fragility and tears that shouldn’t exist at her age. Her body still trembling from crying, her brain slowly regained its rationality under deliberate suppression.
Zhou Qin’s recent physical condition was not right, leaving Xiao Wanqing feeling anxious and worried.
Supporting herself against the wall, she swayed to stand up, suddenly feeling nauseous and uncomfortable, dry heaving with tears welling up again in the corners of her eyes. After managing to calm down, she struggled to walk back to the bedroom, intending to call Lin Xian or send a text to inquire about the situation. Suddenly, she realized that Lin Xian had left in a hurry and had not taken her phone with her.
She couldn’t reach Lin Xian anymore… This realization left Xiao Wanqing feeling like her heart had been suddenly emptied, causing her to shiver with panic and emptiness. The roaring sound in her ears seemed to intensify, tossing her around until she felt like she was going to be sick.
No. She continued to walk heavily towards the bedroom, murmuring softly to comfort herself.
In the bedroom, on the bedside table, a photo of her and Lin Xian smiling brightly. Xiao Wanqing collapsed half onto the bed as if drained of energy, hugging the pillow Lin Xian had used, resting her chin on it. She breathed in Lin Xian’s lingering scent, gazing at the photo with moist eyes and a sore throat from the emotional weight.
She was wrong, she betrayed Zhou Qin’s trust, and she was sorry for that. Zhou Qin blamed her, criticized her, which was understandable. The scenes that haunted her nightmares became a reality, tormenting herself. Xiao Wanqing couldn’t help but replay Zhou Qin’s disappointed and disgusted look and words in her mind. The guilt and self-loathing made her feel like she was being burned alive, wishing for death.
Being with Lin Xian was a mistake, she failed to maintain boundaries, and indulging in a moment of pleasure with Lin Xian was a grave error. Zhou Qin’s look even made her feel dirty, tarnishing the purity of Lin Xian.
But, just like a moth to a flame, she regretted nothing even in death. Despite knowing all the mistakes, all the things she shouldn’t have done, she couldn’t help but love Lin Xian.
(Originally translated on littlepandatranslations.com, let's go!)
Giving up is harder than holding on. The thought of Lin Xian’s determined expression made her ache with unbearable pain at the idea of letting go.
They were just like any other couple in the world, loving sincerely, striving to live, eagerly anticipating – why should they perish in the cold night before dawn?
Perhaps she wasn’t the most suitable person for Lin Xian, but excluding family, she vowed to be the one who loved Lin Xian the most in the world.
She couldn’t accept it… Xiao Wanqing couldn’t hold back, crying in despair, gasping for breath once again.
She wearily closed her eyes, replaying the moments with Lin Xian in her mind. There were joys, sorrows, tears, and laughter – all were the most precious and irreplaceable treasures she had gained in her life.
Even as she felt shameless and continued to make mistakes, Xiao Wanqing’s lower lip bled slightly from biting too hard, yet she remained oblivious. After a moment, she sniffled, composed her expression, with determined eyes, got off the bed and slowly fetched clothes from the wardrobe before heading to the bathroom to tidy up.
The swelling on her face couldn’t be hidden even with heavy makeup. Xiao Wanqing pursed her lips, forced a bitter smile, and surrendered.
She changed her clothes, arranged her hair, then retrieved a mask from the top of the cabinet. Ignoring the discomfort from the mask rubbing against her skin, she covered most of her face, leaving only a pair of still-red, slightly moist eyes visible.
Taking her bag and keys, her slender hands tightly gripped the doorknob. Pausing briefly at the door, she ultimately turned the handle with determination, opening the door without hesitation, advancing towards Lin Xian, towards their fragile yet strong love.
She didn’t know what Lin Xian would face once she returned home, but she couldn’t let her bear it alone.
This time, on the long road from the southern district to the northern district, Xiao Wanqing had to walk alone. The first half of the journey, she had already traveled once with Lin Xian on her birthday. The latter part, leading to Lin family’s home and passing by her own, was a path she hadn’t set foot on in many years.
The road had been rerouted and widened, houses had been demolished and rebuilt, everything was vastly different from how she remembered. After walking the path she once shared with Lin Xian, Xiao Wanqing stopped at the intersection, watching the constant flow of cars from all directions, observing the hurried pedestrians on both sides of the road, suddenly feeling lost and unsure.
She no longer recognized the way home, feeling like a homeless person. In an instant, Xiao Wanqing felt something inside her heart completely shatter, tears streaming down her face silently.
Fearful and panicked, she even thought of running away once more, escaping the terrifying reality, fleeing from the nightmare that had haunted her for years. But this time, she couldn’t, her girl was still waiting for her.
She held her breath, fighting back tears, trembling hands opened the navigation system, clumsily typing in the name of a place she should have been familiar with but now felt unfamiliar and elusive. She glanced at the convoluted lines on the navigation screen, then at the empty passenger seat beside her, wiped away her tears, and set off again.
As the car passed the road she had walked countless times in her youth, the path that led to her home and where she had dreamt countless times in tear-soaked pillows at midnight, she lifted her head to gaze at the house deep inside the community, her heart trembling.
In this moment, in this situation, she couldn’t help but recall the scene when she left home that year, remembering the despair and anger in her parents’ and Zhou Qin’s faces, remembering her own determination back then, much like Lin Xian’s. Clutching the steering wheel tightly, her nose tingling, she suddenly felt uncertain about whether her current path was right or wrong.
Sorry, sorry for being selfish once again, let her fight once more.
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Relying on memory, she drove into the community where Lin’s family lived and parked the car. Sitting in the car, she clasped her hands together and rubbed them for a long time before finally mustering the courage to walk towards Lin Xian’s home.
As the elevator ascended, Xiao Wanqing’s outward gaze became increasingly unsettled, yet also more resolute. Standing in front of the Lin family’s closed door, she unconsciously clenched one hand into a fist, while slowly raising the other to ring the doorbell.
The crisp doorbell echoed through the quiet, deserted hallway, somewhat eerie. Xiao Wanqing pressed her lips tightly beneath her mask, standing tall and straight.
She prepared herself mentally for the impending anger and reprimand upon the door opening, even bracing herself to persist no matter what.
However, the nerve-wracking seconds passed, the door remained motionless, the surroundings silent.
Furrowing her brow, Xiao Wanqing hesitated and raised her hand again to ring the doorbell once more. She stood erect, focusing intently on any sounds or movements coming from inside the room with her unharmed ear that was free of any ringing.
After several seconds passed, there was still no sound of footsteps or any response from inside the room.
Xiao Wanqing’s finger, pressed on the doorbell button, slowly clenched into a fist.
The absence of footsteps made it seem like there was nobody home at all. However, it had been so long; they couldn’t possibly still be out.
A terrifying thought crossed her mind, recalling Zhou Qin’s condition when she left, causing her eyes to widen in an instant.
Without further consideration, she hastily fished out her phone from her bag, her fingertips frantically and urgently unlocking the screen, and then dialed Zhou Qin’s phone number.
At the moment the call connected, Xiao Wanqing listened to the rhythmic mechanical tones on the other end, only then realizing whose number she had dialed. Yet, everything paled in comparison to her worries for Zhou Qin and Lin Xian at this moment. Suppressing her fear and shame, she anxiously hoped for the call to be answered, yearning to hear Zhou Qin’s angry reprimands in her ear.
The ringing continued persistently, the call neither disconnected nor picked up. Xiao Wanqing’s heart hung high, filled with unease.
Just as the call was about to disconnect automatically, it was finally answered.
Xiao Wanqing’s heart momentarily eased, a faint smile of relief appeared on her lips. She opened her mouth, only to find her voice choked and hoarse, nearly inaudible: “Sis…”
“It’s me, Lin Zhan.” Unexpectedly, a deep masculine voice sounded from the other end of the phone.
Xiao Wanqing’s heart skipped a beat, feeling as if she had been frozen in place. An ominous premonition rose within her, and she trembled as she stammered, “Where is she…”
“She fainted on her way back, probably due to being upset with Lin Xian. We just rushed her to the hospital for emergency treatment. She’s stable now, undergoing further examinations,” Lin Zhan replied in a subdued tone.
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His heart was still pounding, unable to express the fear and panic he felt when he received the call from Lin Xian in tears. Fortunately, she collapsed right at the hospital entrance, received timely treatment, quickly regained consciousness, with clear speech. However, she was simply too exhausted and fell asleep again.
The thing that Xiao Wanqing feared most had happened after all. She waited without blinking for Lin Zhan’s response, and upon hearing his words, she went limp, unable to control her body as she slumped, her shoulder harshly hitting the door frame before steadying herself.
Intense pain surged through her, yet she had lost even the instinct to cry out in pain. Fear, worry, self-blame, and shame overwhelmed her heart, and she harshly grasped her painful shoulder as a form of self-punishment, repeatedly chiding herself with a choked voice, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault. How is she, Brother Lin Zhan? Where are you?”
The doctor initially diagnosed Zhou Qin’s fainting as likely due to hypoglycemia combined with myocardial ischemia, inquiring about any history of coronary heart disease. However, precise details would require further comprehensive examinations. At this moment, what Zhou Qin needed was rest, maintaining a calm mindset and stable emotions.
Listening to Lin Xian’s fragmented account, Lin Zhan was left stunned. For a moment, he was filled with the same anger and disappointment as Zhou Qin, his veins bulging as he angrily slammed his fist against the wall. He was furious at Lin Xian and Xiao Wanqing, disregarding morality, and especially at Lin Xian for not cherishing Zhou Qin and causing her distress. But as the pain subsided, he softened seeing his daughter, who shared his fear for Zhou Qin.
He had no prejudice against homosexuality. He didn’t want Lin Xian to be attracted to the same sex, but if Lin Xian truly couldn’t help it, he could accept that. However, he couldn’t accept that Lin Xian had upset Zhou Qin for her own sake or her impulsiveness and selfishness.
Moreover, how young Lin Xian was, did she truly understand what love was? Was she certain about being a lesbian and not liking boys anymore?
After all, she was his daughter and Xiao Wanqing was like a sister he watched grow up. He could never bring himself to say anything too harsh to them.
Lin Zhan furrowed his brows wearily, his voice low and restrained: “Qinqin needs to maintain a stable mindset. It’s not suitable for you to come over right now.” He paused, still harboring resentment, and spoke coldly in a subdued tone: “Xiao Wanqing, I truly didn’t expect this from you. I am very disappointed in you.”
Lin Zhan had always been gentle and refined. When they were younger, with him being much older than Xiao Wanqing, he used to play with her and treat her like a little sister. As they grew up and gender differences became apparent, they grew more distant, yet he remained like a reliable and caring brother. Whenever she needed help, he never hesitated to step in.
His calm and cutting words pierced through the air like arrows, striking directly at Xiao Wanqing’s heart, causing unbearable pain.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s my fault…,” Xiao Wanqing released her bruised shoulder, then collapsed weakly to the ground, unable to speak as tears streamed down her face.
“Dad…” Lin Xian stood up from the seat in the corridor upon hearing this, her eyes red as she looked at him, grabbing his arm and pleading with sobs, “Dad, please don’t say that. She’s hurting too. None of us want this, we don’t want any of this…” Her words trailed off into choked sobs.
Feeling a pang of pain in his heart, Lin Zhan turned his gaze away, let out a long sigh, and ultimately said nothing more before simply stating, “Come by in a few days,” then ended the call.