My darling
“I want to see Lin Xian,” Wen Tong said with a furrowed brow, not even sure herself what kind of bitterness she was suppressing to be able to speak these words rationally. If she could not convince Xiao Wanqing to choose an easier path, then the only thing she could do was to try to make her already difficult journey a little less harsh.
Lin Xian was too young, too naive. She understood Xiao Wanqing’s reserve and gentleness all too well. There were some things, some words, that she, as Xiao Wanqing’s close friend, or perhaps as someone from Xiao Wanqing’s mother’s family, had a responsibility and a need to clarify to Lin Xian.
How could she easily hand over the person whom she had cherished so carefully for so many years?
But upon hearing her words, Xiao Wanqing lifted her lovely eyes, pleading nervously with her, “Wen Tong…” Her conflict between rejection and protection was clear in her expression.
Wen Tong stiffened, withdrawing her hand from wiping Xiao Wanqing’s tears. A stab of pain went through her heart, and a flash of hurt and disappointment crossed her deep eyes, “You don’t trust me? I won’t be hard on her.” Even with all the reluctance, knowing how much Xiao Wanqing loved her, what else could she do besides respect and support her?
After all these years, didn’t Xiao Wanqing have even this bit of understanding and trust in her? Wen Tong felt a coldness in her heart.
Sensing the shift in Wen Tong’s tone, Xiao Wanqing instinctively tensed and grabbed Wen Tong’s retreating arm, shaking her head and explaining earnestly, “I haven’t. Wen Tong, I trust you. I know you want to see Xianxian with no ill intentions, and I’m even sure that you mean well, wanting to help me. Wen Tong, you want to help me say some things I might not be able to say myself, don’t you?” They were close friends for many years, their understanding of each other’s nature was thorough.
Wen Tong quietly looked at her, her gaze softening a bit.
“Wen Tong, please don’t find her, don’t say anything, okay?” The woman, who was always gentle yet stubborn, pleaded softly with her.
Wen Tong averted her gaze from Xiao Wanqing’s, answering her calmly yet stubbornly, “Xiao Wanqing, Lin Xian might be young, but she is an adult. Since she has chosen to be with you, as an adult and as your partner, she has the responsibility and duty to share some burdens with you. You want me to trust your choice, to trust Lin Xian, not to treat her like an unreliable child. Then you shouldn’t always consider her a child who needs your protection. Aren’t you supposed to be in a loving relationship where you rely on each other?”
“But, Wen Tong…” Xiao Wanqing let out a bitter smile: “What good does it do to tell Lin Xian about some things?”
“Wen Tong, put yourself in my shoes. What were we doing when we were 19? In our romantic fantasies, aside from the beautiful moments, how much did we think about responsibility and commitment? Lin Xian has already been working so hard because of me; I see it all. She is pushing herself to grow up faster than her peers, and it hurts me to see her so tired. This isn’t the youth she’s supposed to have.”
She paused, her eyes downcast and voice tinged with bitterness: “Besides, no matter how hard Lin Xian tries, in the eyes of Sister Zhou Qin, in the eyes of everyone, she is still just a child.”
At this thought, Xiao Wanqing’s voice suddenly choked up. “The gap between her and me objectively exists, and the current relationship between her family and me cannot be solved just by Lin Xian’s efforts. Lin Xian understands this all too well; all she can do is suffer alongside me. Wen Tong, there’s no point to it.” Lin Xian is still young, naive, and optimistic about things, and sometimes Xiao Wanqing envies and adores her optimism.
Piling on pressure, telling Lin Xian how great her psychological burden is, what she may face, and how difficult their path ahead is – aside from dragging Lin Xian into shared unhappiness and worry, it does nothing to help solve the problems.
No matter how hard Lin Xian tries, given her age, her abilities are limited. To Zhou Qin, and even to outsiders, how much weight can her words carry? She’s so brave, so sincere, so much like the person Xiao Wanqing once was. Xiao Wanqing is afraid that Lin Xian might make irrational decisions because of that.
Perhaps, the way to ease the tension between Lin Xian and Zhou Qin, to reduce the criticism Lin Xian could face in the future, is for Lin Xian to come out to Zhou Qin before their relationship gets discovered, to clear herself. But how could Xiao Wanqing hide behind Lin Xian, allowing her to come out to her family alone and face the things Xiao Wanqing had experienced herself? How could she bear to let Lin Xian, at such a volatile age, face such uncertain and potentially regrettable consequences?
She couldn’t be so selfish. She couldn’t be so shameless.
Being so much older than Lin Xian, she should shoulder more of the burden; as Lin Xian’s lover, she should also protect Lin Xian until she’s truly grown and matured.
Wen Tong was left speechless by Xiao Wanqing’s words. She liked Xiao Wanqing and naturally considered things more from Xiao Wanqing’s perspective. She couldn’t instantly consider Lin Xian’s situation as Xiao Wanqing did, thinking about what Lin Xian was enduring or what she might have to endure in the future. She just wanted Xiao Wanqing to have someone else to share her burden, understand her pain, and to be there to comfort and protect her when needed. Perhaps it wouldn’t solve anything, but at least, it would mean one more shoulder to lean on.
(If you're not reading on littlepandatranslations.com, it means this has been stolen)
The concerns Xiao Wanqing has for Lin Xian are piercing to the heart, each word striking at the core. But even if Lin Xian learns of these concerns, what can she do? Apart from offering powerless words of comfort, what can you expect from a young person still dependent on her parents, not yet part of society, without any financial independence, whose character is not yet fully formed?
Xiao Wanqing herself has such a clear understanding of the situation, so why does she insist on heading towards danger despite knowing the risks?
Is Lin Xian really worth it?
“What do you want to do then?” Wen Tong’s voice gets choked up, as she struggled to ask her.
So, are you going to just keep shouldering this alone?
“Wen Tong, I want to wait for her to grow up, to let her grow at her own pace.”
Although I don’t know if I can wait that long, or if it will still be me by her side once she’s grown up.
The woman stands under the street light, bathed in a soft golden glow that the light casts around her. She smiles gently yet bitterly, a smile that makes Wen Tong’s nose tingle with the sting of holding back tears.
“Why…” Why can’t it be me. Wen Tong struggles to hold back the secret that has been swirling in her heart for a long time, nearly impossible to suppress.
She quickly turns her eyes away, and a tear slides down from the corner of her eye.
It’s just not my fate.
I can only wish you happiness.
She blinked away the tears, wiped them off, turned her head back, and gazed at Xiao Wanqing with the seriousness and earnestness of an elder, admonishing her: “Xiao Wanqing, you’ve chosen your own path, and I respect that, so you must walk it well. You have to prove to all of us that your choice is the right one.” I don’t want to see you get hurt again.
Xiao Wanqing looked at her with eyes brimming with emotion.
Wen Tong turned around, concealing all her deep affection and longing, and as she walked away, she threw out a line: “If you’re tired, come drink with me; I’d put up with listening to your complaints.”
The bitterness and heaviness in Xiao Wanqing’s heart gradually dissipated, and a smile began to bloom on her lips. She quickened her pace to catch up with Wen Tong and said in a low, earnest voice, “Thank you, Wen Tong, really.”
“If you really want to thank me, then stop making me worry so much,” Wen Tong grumbled in complaint.
Xiao Wanqing chuckled.
Under the play of light and shadow, their long shadows walked side by side, neither too close nor too distant—a just-right space that was neither clingy nor aloof.
On the drive back, Lin Xian called as usual. This time, her tone was slightly different from before, more cautious, as she tentatively asked Xiao Wanqing how her dinner went with her mom that evening.
(If you're not reading on littlepandatranslations.com, it means this has been stolen)
When Xiao Wanqing heard the girl’s clear voice, a gentle smile formed at the corners of her lips. Her voice was as warm and soft as usual as she gave Lin Xian a brief overview of the dinner, her words lively and animated. Lin Xian felt a quiet sense of relief as she listened.
Sometimes, Lin Xian wished she could grow up overnight, age rapidly, and mature into someone who could stand in front of Xiao Panpan to protect her, to be independent of her parents, and to make decisions that her parents would trust.
But time was the one thing she couldn’t strive to control. All she could do was wait anxiously for time to pass, and in the meantime, treat her beloved well. She was determined to grow into someone better, so that Xiao Panpan wouldn’t leave her out of disappointment or sadness during the wait.
Since Xiao Wanqing was still driving, Lin Xian, despite her reluctance, didn’t talk much, sensibly telling Xiao Wanqing to hang up and focus on driving. Before they hung up, she excitedly announced that there were only five days left until she would be home.
“I’ll wait for you,” Xiao Wanqing said softly and calmly, the greatest reassurance Lin Xian could hear.
She ended the call contentedly, switched on the desk lamp, and began preparing lessons for the tutoring job she had lined up after school started.
She wanted to fulfill her promise to take Auntie Xiao to see the snow sooner rather than later. She intended to keep every promise she made to her, step by step, and experience each accomplishment together with her.
Xiao Wanqing returned to her empty home. As she looked around at the darkness, her heart grew heavy again, a jumble of emotions stirring within. She remembered Lin Xian’s words, “I’ll soon be back by your side,” and she couldn’t help but smile softly. However, the smile quickly turned bitter as she thought of Zhou Qin’s animated discussion of Lin Xian’s future.
Ever since that nightmare, Xiao Wanqing had been suffering from insomnia. Occasionally, she’d manage to fall asleep, only to be jarred awake shortly after. A few days ago, worried about needing to be alert for work, she took sleeping pills. Tomorrow was Sunday, so she tried to control herself and not take any medication.
Yet, despite falling asleep with great difficulty in the early morning, she didn’t know how much time had passed before she was suddenly jolted awake from another nightmare, her heart racing with panic.
Xiao Wanqing struggled to awaken from the dream, drenched in a cold sweat, like a person who had been on the verge of drowning and had finally reached the shore after a prolonged struggle. She gasped for air, her heartbeat erratic.
She remembered the warm and secure embrace the girl had once given her, an embrace that would allow her to close her eyes and sleep peacefully until morning. She turned her head toward the side of her bed, but Lin Xian was not there.
In the dim light, a brown teddy bear silently took the girl’s place, keeping Xiao Wanqing company beside her bed.
Xiao Wanqing recalled the text the girl had sent her when she went home: “If you miss me at night, or if you can’t sleep, just hug the little teddy, as if you’re hugging me.”
She turned over in bed, and in the dark night, startled awake from a nightmare, she could no longer hide her vulnerability. She reached out helplessly and hugged the soft, plush body of the little teddy tightly, as if she were holding her beloved girl.
“Shasha shasha…” Suddenly, a strange noise arises in the silence.
Xiao Wanqing’s body stiffens as she clutches the little teddy bear, fear overwhelming her, making her forget the heart-wrenching pain the nightmare had inflicted. Every hair on her body stands on end at this unexpected sound.
Is she still not awake from the nightmare?!!
She holds her breath, listening intently, her heart pounding with trepidation.
In the next second, to her surprise, what breaks the silence is the sweet voice of the girl of her dreams, low and soft, as if tinged with a tender smile that could soften hearts: “My darling, baby, I give you a little sweetness, to help you sleep well tonight…”
“My little devil, little devil, teasing your brows and eyes, making you like this world…” Each word is warm and lingering, echoing in the lonely night, falling into Xiao Wanqing’s parched heart.
(If you're not reading on littlepandatranslations.com, it means this has been stolen)
The singing seems to come from the belly of the little teddy bear she’s holding.
Xiao Wanqing is first shocked then overjoyed, in an instant wanting to cry and laugh. How silly this Xianxian is…
She presses her ear against the soft belly of the teddy bear, listening to the girl’s heart-stirring voice that enters her ears, as if Lin Xian is right beside her, coaxing her with a quiet, low song.
Her heart gradually settles down…
Tears dampen the long, soft fur of the little teddy bear.
How could one not be so endearing?
Lin Xian, how can I bear to let you go?
Xiao Wanqing wonders if she’s becoming more shameless. When she heard Zhou Qin say Lin Xian wasn’t leaving, aside from feeling guilty and embarrassed, she felt a tiny bit relieved.