After Being Scummed – Chapter 5

It’s Fine to Be Lonely Alone

As the saying goes, “A favor received makes one soft.” Perhaps it was the bribe of a single piece of candy, but for the rest of the afternoon, Yin Bai decided to turn a blind eye to the sounds of play coming from next door.

But children were just too noisy, like a flock of chirping sparrows, chattering without end. Even through a wall, the sounds of their play gave Yin Bai a headache.

            

She couldn’t take it anymore, so she picked up her book and afternoon tea and retreated to the large balcony on the second floor of the villa to sunbathe. Even from that distance, the children’s laughter drifted through layer after layer of obstruction, reaching Yin Bai’s ears.

Those cheerful sounds seemed to come from another world, drawing Yin Bai’s attention.

Yin Bai sat on the swing on the large second-floor balcony, put down her book, and turned her head toward the source of the children’s laughter. Her gaze passed through layers of flowers, through swaying tree shadows, over ivy-covered walls, and landed on the neighboring villa.

            

Unlike her own meticulously decorated yard, the neighbor’s yard was a grassy open space where a small outdoor soccer field had been built. At that moment, two children were chasing a wobbling shuttlecock with badminton rackets, running back and forth happily.

Yin Bai watched the distant figures of the children chasing each other, and her mind began to wander.

Why were these two children playing all the time? Wasn’t anyone else with them? Was the housekeeper not home? Had all the adults gone out?

            

But people who could afford to settle here probably had live-in housekeepers, right? Didn’t those housekeepers look after the children?

Yin Bai’s thoughts wandered aimlessly, and then it struck her that her own home was just as cold and empty—no one else except the cleaning lady who came on a regular weekly schedule.

Thinking about it that way, it wasn’t so strange that the neighbors only had two children as playmates.

            

Yin Bai’s attention drifted for a moment. She put down the poetry collection in her hand, turned to look at 《The Little Prince》 lying beside her, hesitated, then picked it up and opened it.

“When I was six years old, I read a book about the primeval forest…”¹

Of all the books Yin Bai had ever read, this was her favorite. Whether she was in a good mood or a bad one, she always liked to take it out and read.

            

Even though she knew the book by heart and could even recite the original French version from memory, every time she picked it up, she felt a strange, inexplicable joy.

The clamor drifting from nearby gradually faded, and even the gentle spring breeze slowed its pace. Warm sunlight streamed through the thick glass dome, passed through the lush vines and leaves, and fell upon the swing.

Curled up in the swing, lying in the dappled sunlight, Yin Bai turned another page.

            

“She finally said to the little prince:²

‘Goodbye. Please be happy. I wasted so much time, was so foolish, only to hide all my feelings. And now that you are leaving, I ask for your forgiveness.’

‘I should have told you long ago—all this time, I have loved you deeply.’

            

‘Go, go… leave now…’

‘Without you, I can adapt to this wind and the cold night.’

‘Without you, I can fool myself with the caterpillars and the butterflies, pretending I have no worries…’

            

‘Do not delay any longer. Goodbye.’”

Yin Bai lowered her eyes, looking at the illustration in the book: the little prince holding a glass globe, saying goodbye to the only rose on his planet: “Goodbye… please be happy.”

Yin Bai reached out and touched the four thorns of the little rose in the illustration, smiling bitterly. “What goodbye… Your little prince has gone wandering and will never come back.”

            

“You only have four thorns, yet you think you can protect yourself, saying you’re not afraid of tigers and alpacas. What are you trying to prove? You clearly… clearly can’t live without her, so why did you let her go?”

Yin Bai took a deep breath, lifted the book, and covered her face with it, pressing back her tears. “You were clearly, clearly tamed by her, so how could you say goodbye so calmly?” she said, aggrieved.

Xiao Nian, you clearly tamed me, so why did you leave me?

            

Yin Bai closed her eyes, and in her mind appeared the image of the first time she saw Xiao Nian in a theater eight years ago. It was Children’s Day³. She sat with her ticket in the middle of a crowd of adults and children, looking up at the stage, where a charming little rose in a green dress with red hair was reluctantly saying goodbye to her little prince.

On the dimly lit stage, Yin Bai could only hear her own chaotic heartbeat. At that moment, looking up at the woman whose eyes were filled with tears, as vivid and moving as a rose, she felt she had become the little prince in the story, finding the one and only rose in her life.

Xiao Nian was the only brilliant color in her gray, bleak life.

            

But she was wrong, terribly wrong.

She thought she would guard her rose for a lifetime, protecting her from all worries. But she never imagined that Xiao Nian was never the “little rose” that could be tamed.

In fact, Xiao Nian was the little prince, and she herself was the rose with only four thorns, all bluster and pretense, fussy and awkward.

            

So in the end, just as the story said, her “little prince” left her.

Thinking of this, the scene from that night—Lu Qing and Xiao Nian embracing and crying—uncontrollably surfaced in Yin Bai’s mind, and she couldn’t help but feel regret.

If you never loved me, why were you so good to me?

            

If you already tamed me, why did you leave me?

Once again sinking into sadness, Yin Bai, curled up in the sunlight, felt a bit self-destructive. She wasn’t someone who easily regretted her choices, but in matters of the heart, she had never done well, and the regret she tasted was all the more bitter.

Just as she was about to fall into despair, the phone on the table began to ring insistently.

            

The ringing was truly annoying, even more so than the children’s noise. Yin Bai took the book off her face, reached for her phone, and picked it up to look. It was a video call from the front gate.

Fine, probably those two children again.

Yin Bai answered the video, and sure enough, it was the two children. Perhaps because of the candy, they seemed much bolder than before. “Fairy Sister, Fairy Sister, our shuttlecock fell into your yard again. Can you please open the door for us?”

            

Yin Bai was in a terrible mood and barely managed a grunt. “The door is open for you. Come in.”

“Okay, thank you, Fairy Sister!”

Tongtong cheerfully said thank you, and soon Yin Bai hung up, opened the gate, and let the two children in again.

            

The two children, hand in hand, entered with smiles. Yin Bai stood on the second-floor balcony, watching the two children disappear into the bright rose bushes, swimming around the yard like two little fish.

But these two little fish were a bit too noisy. Yin Bai watched them search the yard without finding the shuttlecock, and unable to bear the noise any longer, she took her cane and went downstairs to help look.

As soon as Yin Bai reached the garden entrance, she ran into the two children running out with the ball.

            

Six eyes met. Yin Bai looked down at the shuttlecock in Tongtong’s hand. Tongtong and Wenwen looked up at the cane in her hand.

The children looked at the cane and exclaimed softly, “Ah, Fairy Sister, are you hurt?” Tongtong remembered that her grandmother had been injured recently and also used a cane.

Yin Bai was taken aback. The anger she had been about to vent mostly dissipated, and she could only stiffly reply, “Mm.”

            

Tongtong bit her lip, looking at her right leg with sympathy. “Does it still hurt, Fairy Sister?”

Yin Bai really hadn’t expected that after all these years with her leg injury, someone would still ask if it hurt. She pressed her lips together uncomfortably and replied, “It stopped hurting a long time ago.”

Even though she said that, Tongtong still looked at her leg with concern. To Yin Bai, the little girl’s worried expression was somewhat reminiscent of Zuo Jingyou.

            

But Yin Bai didn’t dwell on whether she was Zuo Jingyou’s child. She put her hand to her lips and coughed lightly. “Speaking of which, don’t you have an indoor sports court at your place? Why do you always like playing outside?”

Tongtong looked up at her with a smile. “We do, but the weather is nice today, so Wenwen-jie⁴ and I like being outside.”

Wenwen, standing next to Tongtong, was also a bit bolder now. She nodded her little head and said, “Mm, it’s more fun outside.”

            

Yin Bai made an “oh” sound and asked, “How long are you planning to play? You can’t be playing ball all day, can you?”

Tongtong smiled and answered, “We stop after lunch.”

Yin Bai nodded thoughtfully, looked down at the children in front of her, and said, “Alright, then you’d better not play in the afternoon. I’m going to take a nap, and I’ll lock the gate. I won’t open it for you.”

            

Yin Bai paused, then said in a very serious tone, “And starting tomorrow, I won’t be home. From now on, you’d better not hit the ball over here again, because no one will open the door for you to pick it up.”

Her suddenly stern expression immediately made the two children at a loss. Wenwen, who was already a bit afraid of her, instinctively took a step closer to Tongtong, half-hiding behind her.

Seeing this, Yin Bai raised an eyebrow and said to the children, a bit fiercely, “So don’t come bothering me again, understand?”

            

Tongtong clutched the shuttlecock and also stepped back a little, pressing her lips together. “We understand. We won’t trouble you anymore.”

With that, Tongtong politely said goodbye. “Goodbye, Fairy Sister.”

Yin Bai snorted. The two children quickly took each other’s hands and ran toward the gate.

            

Yin Bai, leaning on her cane, watched the two children run hand in hand toward the iron gate outside the yard. She vaguely heard them whispering that she was very fierce. Wenwen pulled Tongtong, saying fearfully that the sister was strange, that she walked differently from them, that she was mean and didn’t look like a good person.

Tongtong, on the other hand, was more relaxed. She said that was prejudice, that Fairy Sister was clearly beautiful and spoke nicely, and that it was them who had disturbed her.

Yin Bai stood still, eavesdropping for a moment, then turned and walked back to her villa with her cane.

            

The noise of late spring was soon left behind. She walked with her cane, her back to the bright sunlight, entering her slightly chilly villa. Once again hiding in the shadows, Yin Bai thought to herself that tomorrow she would leave this place of heartbreak and find a house facing the sea with spring blossoms, to live a quiet, idle life.

After all… she was no stranger to loneliness.

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The author has something to say:

            

Note 1: From the Chinese edition of 《The Little Prince》.

Note 2: From the French musical 《The Little Prince》.

Here, the imagery of the little prince and the rose is used, but the key word is “tame.”

            

Yin Bai is actually a bit like a lonely old person, not very good at socializing, and has an indescribable awkwardness when facing children. Kind of like… the selfish giant in Oscar Wilde’s fairy tale.

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