STT – Chapter 41

I am willing for you.

Jiang Wang exhaustedly leaned against the elevator wall, opened her palm, and stared blankly. In her palm, the sensation of Xu Baihan’s long and dense eyelashes lightly brushing against it was still clearly felt. The warm warmth left on her hand from her forehead still burned her heart, so real and palpable.

At the moment of skin contact, she clearly felt the throbbing and sigh from her heart, almost instantly, her legs went soft and she couldn’t stand.

In tears blurred, she had countless times prayed, from now on, never to meet again; deep in the night, in the quiet hours, she had countless times imagined, if they met again, what kind of scene it would be. Would it be meeting and both forgetting, Xu Baihan faintly smiling and she quietly watching, or meeting with both unhappy, Xu Baihan stunned and she dumbfounded? Yet, she never expected that she had long lost the courage to see her again. Because love is not right, hate is not right, smiling is not, crying is not…

Seeing Xu Baihan about to fall at that moment, besides panic in her heart, unexpectedly, there was no time to care for anything else. The fear and resentment that tortured her for many years were, unexpectedly, at that moment, all discarded at the back of her mind.

Jiang Wang gradually clenched her palm, a trace of a painful bitter smile appeared on her face. She asked herself, Yun Bo, is twelve years not enough? How many more years until you can truly forget and change the habit of uncontrollably loving her?

She loves Xu Baihan, beyond everything, including herself. Over the years, every time she thought of Xu Baihan, until her heart ached and softened, she would take those hurts out to review them again and again, picking at the scabs that had already healed deep in her heart, again and again, watching them gradually seep blood, hurting until she could not breathe. Only then would she slowly firm her belief in not loving, telling herself she no longer loved, had forgotten, the scars had healed, but the pain should be remembered.

She once again revisited the night after she and Xu Baihan entwined many years ago. She held Xu Baihan’s naked body, filled with affection and softness, asking her for confirmation: “Baihan, I really, really love you. Do you love me?” At that time, Xu Baihan turned her back and responded with silence. She still hoped, willing to lower herself into the dust, cautiously asking her again: “Even if it’s just a little, Baihan…” But Xu Baihan’s breathing was steady and deep, as if she was already asleep. She painfully closed her eyes, not knowing then that she could never wake someone pretending to sleep…

Until that year, she disregarded everything, only for her to turn her back once again. The sea submerged her body, devoured her consciousness, and the cold, salty seawater made her unable to breathe. Only then did she despairingly understand that Xu Baihan never loved her and never would…

Over the years, no one ever taught her love. She was like a cactus, stubbornly growing in an emotionally dry desert, covered in thorns to protect herself. Until she met Xu Baihan, she willingly plucked all her thorns, drained all her nutrients, and bloomed a delicate flower, hoping her true heart could receive her careful nurturing. But in the end, Xu Baihan showed her that a cactus without thorns can only be like a ball, admired and then discarded at will…

Love, this kind of thing, is so precious yet so extravagant. Exchanging heart for heart does not necessarily mean receiving others’ hearts in return.

Jiang Wang’s right hand fiercely grasped the left hand that had touched Xu Baihan’s warmth, pinching it almost until it turned blue and purple. In her heart, she coldly warned herself, “Jiang Wang, you only need to love yourself.”

The moment the elevator door opened, Jiang Wang’s face had already changed to its usual cold and indifferent look, with no trace of emotion in her eyes. Her posture was straight as she strode out with vigor.

The Yun Bo who loved recklessly had long been buried in that cold sea.

When Lu Zizheng heard Jiang Huaichuan say that Jiang Huaixi was looking for her, she almost instantly jumped up, not bothering to put on clothes, jumped out of bed, hurriedly put on shoes, and ran out like the wind.

In the morning, when Jiang Huaichuan came to bring her food, she cautiously tried to inquire about Jiang Huaixi’s news, but Jiang Huaichuan only told her plainly that when Jiang Huaixi wanted to see her, he would naturally tell her. So, she stayed still in the hospital bed, afraid to go to Jiang Huaixi without permission, afraid to leave in case Jiang Huaixi wanted to see her and couldn’t find her.

Lu Zizheng ran all the way to Jiang Huaixi’s hospital room door, but just as she was about to reach out to touch the door and push it open, she suddenly felt a bit timid and hesitant…

Would Huaixi be very disappointed in her?

Jiang Huaixi had long heard the hurried footsteps outside in the corridor, listening to the footsteps, sound by sound, coming from far to near, finally stopping in front of her room door. Her voice was somewhat weak and hoarse, faintly saying, “Zizheng, is it you? Come in…”

Only then did Lu Zizheng gently push open the door, take a few steps inside, close the door, and stand by the door, staring intently at Jiang Huaixi.

Huaixi looked so haggard, her complexion even paler than usual. She saw Jiang Huaixi’s ink-like eyes faintly scrutinizing her, then her brows gradually knitted together, her expression seemed greatly displeased, and Lu Zizheng’s heart instantly tightened.

Sure enough, Jiang Huaixi frowned, staring sharply at Lu Zizheng, her voice cold and clear, saying, “Zizheng, there is one thing you probably still don’t know.”

Lu Zizheng looked at Jiang Huaixi in confusion, feeling helpless. She was so afraid of Jiang Huaixi using such a tone to speak to her, and at that moment, her heart jumped to her throat.

Jiang Huaixi coldly said, “Listen, your life is what I saved, so, except for me, no one can harm it, including yourself.” After speaking, she asked, word by word, “Do you understand?”

In this suddenly warm yet still cold March day, she wore only a thin single layer and ran out. Does she really not know how to take care of herself to ease my mind? Jiang Huaixi couldn’t help but feel a slight anger.

Hearing this, Lu Zizheng was stunned. She stared blankly at Jiang Huaixi, catching a glimpse of Jiang Huaixi’s wrist tightly wrapped in gauze, and her eyes instantly reddened. She lowered her head, murmuring in a hoarse voice, “Huaixi, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Jiang Huaixi tightly stared at her, sharply saying, “Zizheng, in my life, what I hate most is people saying useless words. If ‘sorry’ were useful, then in this world, where would there be so much love, hate, anger, and resentment?”

Lu Zizheng bit her lip, unable to respond. Under Jiang Huaixi’s cold and stern gaze, she was like a child who had made a mistake, nervously clasping her hands, with long eyelashes already hanging with tears, and her big eyes full of helplessness and panic.

Jiang Huaixi, unable to bear seeing her aggrieved appearance, turned her head to look out the window and said faintly, “If you really feel sorry towards me, then do something for me. After I am discharged, I will go to Ji’an to recuperate and need someone to take care of my daily life. Come with me.”

Lu Zizheng looked at Jiang Huaixi’s pale and beautiful profile, biting her lip with some hesitation. She didn’t know what position she should place herself in to be correct. The closer she got, the more she yearned, and thus the more unwilling and fearful she became. She was afraid that she would once again hurt Jiang Huaixi…

Jiang Huaixi, not hearing Lu Zizheng’s reply for a long time, turned back and said indifferently, “Unwilling? Feel aggrieved?”

Lu Zizheng hurriedly and frantically shook her head to clarify…

“Then it is…?”

Lu Zizheng’s fist tightened and then loosened. After a long time, she finally made up her mind and answered in a low voice, “I am willing to accompany you.”

Jiang Huaixi was still not satisfied with her attitude and added, questioning, “Willingly?”

Lu Zizheng raised her head and looked straight into Jiang Huaixi’s eyes, her deep gaze full of determination: “Willingly.”

Jiang Huaixi looked at her, and only then did a smile gradually appear on her face, approvingly saying, “Very good…” She noticed Lu Zizheng’s red eyes and dark circles beneath them, and her heart ached slightly. Her brows relaxed, and her eyes took on a gentle expression. She slightly beckoned to Lu Zizheng, calling, “Come over.”

Lu Zizheng was dazed by the gentleness in her eyes and lightly walked step by step towards Jiang Huaixi, finally stopping by her bed.

Jiang Huaixi unexpectedly lifted the quilt and softly said, “Get up.”

Lu Zizheng stared blankly at Jiang Huaixi, not understanding.

Jiang Huaixi, somewhat impatient, frowned and said, “Do you want to catch a cold and make people worry?”

Lu Zizheng saw that Jiang Huaixi seemed a bit unhappy and hurriedly, without saying a word, scrambled up. In the next moment, she fell into a warm embrace, dissolving her whole body’s chill.

She heard Jiang Huaixi tightly hugging her, as if wanting to meld her into her body, sighing softly, “Truly not letting anyone feel at ease…”

Lu Zizheng rested her head on Jiang Huaixi’s chest, feeling like a bird that had been flying for a long time with no place to land, finally finding a place to perch. In an instant, her heart felt settled, and she wanted to cry.

Jiang Huaixi’s chin lightly pressed against Lu Zizheng’s soft hair, gently asking her, “Tired? Take a nap.”

Lu Zizheng raised her head, looking at Jiang Huaixi’s calm yet undeniably gentle expression. Her dim eyes gradually brightened. She lightly rubbed her hair against Jiang Huaixi’s chin, softly agreeing, “Mm.”

However, after closing her eyes for a long time, she opened them again. Jiang Huaixi, who had been watching Lu Zizheng all along, naturally noticed first and asked in confusion, “What is it?”

Lu Zizheng blinked her eyes and said softly, “Too bright…”

Jiang Huaixi bent her brows, her gaze gentle as water, withdrew a hand from Lu Zizheng’s waist, and lightly covered Lu Zizheng’s eyes, coaxing her with a rare gentle voice, “Not bright anymore, go to sleep.”

Then, she saw Lu Zizheng lightly rub against her neck, a satisfied smile appearing at the corner of her lips, and from her embrace came a soft “Mm,” and then no more movement, as she fell into a deep sleep.

Half asleep and half awake, Lu Zizheng vaguely heard someone whispering to her, “Zizheng, I’m sorry, I love you…”

Lu Zizheng was really too tired and sleepy. In such a cherished gentle embrace, she was reluctant to open her eyes. If she could always be in such an embrace, she would be willing to sleep and never wake up…

When Mother Jiang entered the room, she saw Jiang Huaixi holding Lu Zizheng, one hand around Lu Zizheng’s waist, the other slightly raised, placed over Lu Zizheng’s eyes, sleeping deeply.

Mother Jiang quietly closed the door, feeling a bit sorry for Jiang Huaixi. In such a position, how could she sleep well? She gently walked to Jiang Huaixi’s side, reached out to hold Jiang Huaixi’s hand, which was raised over Lu Zizheng’s eyes, wanting to help her put it down. But unexpectedly, as soon as she touched it, Jiang Huaixi opened her eyes.

Mother Jiang was a bit embarrassed, awkwardly saying, “Did I wake you?”

Jiang Huaixi glanced at Lu Zizheng, who was sleeping soundly in her arms, and gently shook her head, saying, “No, I was never asleep.” After a moment of silence, she looked up at Mother Jiang and suddenly requested, “Mom, please call the people over there in Ji’an for me, and ask them to tidy up and prepare the house. After I am discharged in a few days, I want to go live there for a while with Zizheng.”

Mother Jiang was surprised and instinctively wanted to stop, saying, “Huaixi, isn’t it better to come home after being discharged? Your body is so weak, how can we not be worried? Nowhere is better than home. Grandma has already prepared a room for Zizheng, right next to yours. Our family can help take care of Zizheng and love Zizheng together, isn’t that good?”

Jiang Huaixi was stunned, looking deeply at Mother Jiang. After a while, she lowered her head, gazing gently at Lu Zizheng, softly explaining, “I don’t feel at ease letting Zizheng live alone. I’m afraid she might feel uncomfortable living in our home. Going to Ji’an can give her a change of environment, and perhaps, it can help her forget some of the pain here.”

Mother Jiang looked at Jiang Huaixi’s rarely seen gentle expression, feeling a bit sour in her heart. She always knew she couldn’t go against Jiang Huaixi. Even with reluctance and worry, she could only grit her teeth and agree, “Alright, Huaixi, but you must promise mom to take good care of yourself and never… never let us worry again…” After saying this, Mother Jiang had red eyes and turned to leave.

Jiang Huaixi reached out, holding Mother Jiang, seriously saying, “Mom, all along, I’m sorry…”

Mother Jiang turned around, tears falling, looking at the guilt-ridden, pale, and weak Jiang Huaixi, shaking her head with heartache, gently touching Jiang Huaixi’s face, then touching Lu Zizheng’s head, sighing, “Silly child, mom understands. Mom only wants, only wants you both to be well…”

Jiang Huaixi bent her brows and eyes, smiling warmly at Mother Jiang.

In the dream, Lu Zizheng dreamt of endlessly searching in a seemingly pathless forest, finally finding a faintly glowing exit path, with a hand beside her, tightly clasping her hand, fingers interlocked, telling her, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid, I am here.”

LP: Re-translated on August 29, 2024