I have already come a long way; you should not remain where you are.
At 3:30 in the morning, Lian Xuan woke up crying and screaming from her sleep, cold sweat on her forehead, and a tear hanging on her long eyelashes, suspended but not yet fallen.
She dreamed of herself as a child, with her mother whom she hadn’t seen for a long time. In the dream, her mother was still gravely ill, confined to bed. She brought water and medicine for her mother to take, then knelt beside her, watching as she took the medicine. Her mother reached out her hand, gently stroking her head, eyes full of love, resolutely promising her: “Xiaoxuan, don’t be afraid. Even if Mom is gone, Mom won’t let them do as they please. Mom will definitely protect you. They have already taken away my most precious thing, Mom won’t allow them to take away your things too!” In the dream, she seemed to understand yet not fully comprehend, but still obediently nodded.
However, the scene suddenly changed. Her mother was still in that gravely ill state, but she, kneeling beside the bed, had suddenly grown up. She was still bringing water to her mother as before, but her mother’s previously loving face suddenly turned resentful and angry. She didn’t take the water offered, but instead violently knocked it to the ground. Though extremely weak, she struggled to sit up, grabbing her shoulders, shaking her violently, gritting her teeth and demanding: “Lian Xuan, is this how you repay my painstaking efforts? Who allowed you to degrade yourself like this? Are you just going to hand everything over to that pair of despicable mother and son?!”
Lian Xuan was dazed from the shaking, wanting to break free from her mother’s hands, but found that her mother in the dream had unusually great strength, making it impossible for her to struggle free. She was in severe pain and could only cry out, begging her mother: “Mom, it hurts, it hurts so much…”
But her mother’s face gradually turned pale and blue, her eyes bulging, roaring at her: “Lian Xuan, have you forgotten what I told you? Have you forgotten what you promised me? Do you want me to die with unfinished business? Lian Xuan, have you forgotten how they treated me, how they treated you, how they abused us?!” Her grip became tighter and tighter, and Lian Xuan felt more and more pain, as if her body’s bones were about to shatter.
She could only struggle incessantly, crying out: “Mom, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… but Mom, that’s not what I wanted, I’m not happy, I’m not living happily… Mom, I don’t want those things anymore, Mom, it hurts, Mom…”
But her mother seemed to ignore her completely. The strength in her hands grew stronger and stronger, her eyes widening more and more. Just before Lian Xuan felt her body would be crushed, her mother’s eyeballs suddenly burst, spraying a mist of blood onto Lian Xuan’s face, wet and sticky…
Lian Xuan, excessively frightened, screamed “Ah!” like a madwoman for a moment, her whole body shaking uncontrollably like a sieve. Her mind felt like mush, and just as she was about to lose consciousness, she suddenly opened her eyes wide, waking up from the dream.
She lay there, staring motionlessly at the ceiling, her mood still immersed in the terrifying aftereffects of the dream. After a long while, she finally turned on the bedside lamp, slowly sat up, took down the bag hanging on the nearby coat rack, took out her wallet, and from a hidden compartment in the wallet, retrieved a small, thin one-inch photo. The photo clearly showed Lu Zizheng’s beautiful and delicate face. It was the photo Lian Xuan had secretly removed from Lu Zizheng’s job application resume.
Her brow was furrowed with worry, her face heavy with emotion. Her thumb, bit by bit, gently and lovingly caressed Lu Zizheng’s face in the photo. Her heart was still trembling from her mother’s severe questioning in the dream…
After a long while, Lian Xuan lifted the air-conditioned quilt, revealing two smooth, long legs, and got out of bed. She walked out of the bedroom and turned on the light in the study, sitting down at the desk.
She picked up the manga draft placed beside the desk, took out a pen from the pen holder, lowered her head, and began to draw intently, continuing from where she had left off earlier.
In the manga, it was depicting the scene where the female protagonist was confessing to her grandfather that she wanted to call off her engagement because she already had someone she liked, and that person was a girl. Then, after several arguments with her grandfather, he finally became so angry that he declared he would sever ties with her, and she was unceremoniously thrown out of the house…
Lian Xuan felt her body starting to ache again. The pain from her mother’s tight grip on her shoulders in the dream, mixed with the pain from her grandfather’s angry strike on her back with a cane that day, made it unclear to her exactly where the pain was coming from…
Even though the days seemed especially long and unbearable while waiting, Lu Zizheng still looked forward to the weekend. After having dinner early, Lu Zizheng called Jiang Huaixi as usual. On the phone, Lu Zizheng seemed particularly excited, enthusiastically discussing with Jiang Huaixi about where they should go first when Jiang Huaixi comes next week, and what additional things they should prepare for the apartment.
In contrast, Jiang Huaixi was unusually quiet. After listening silently for a long time, she finally spoke in a low voice, sounding somewhat troubled as she told Lu Zizheng that she might not be able to come next week either.
Lu Zizheng felt as if she had been struck by a sudden blow, her excited mood doused from head to toe like a bucket of cold water. She was stunned for a while, considering her words, and finally couldn’t hold back, asking Jiang Huaixi with a tone that couldn’t hide her agitation: “Huaixi, are you facing some trouble, or has something happened at home? Tell me, maybe I can help somehow.”
But Jiang Huaixi still avoided answering directly, comforting her instead: “Everything’s fine at home, nothing’s wrong. Um, just take good care of yourself and don’t make me worry, that would be a great help to me.”
Lu Zizheng was full of questions and unease, but faced with Jiang Huaixi’s unwillingness to say more, she felt helpless.
Just as they were about to hang up, Jiang Huaixi suddenly called out to Lu Zizheng, chuckled softly, and uncharacteristically confessed directly: “Zizheng, I love you.”
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Lu Zizheng’s heart suddenly sank again.
After hanging up, Lu Zizheng sat motionless for a long time, one hand holding her phone, the other resting on her knee. Then, as if she had made some kind of decision, she slightly tightened her fingers, raised the phone, and dialed Jiang Huaichuan.
But the phone rang for a long time, until it finally disconnected, and Jiang Huaichuan never answered.
Lu Zizheng frowned deeply, unwilling to give up. Remembering Mother Jiang’s hesitation on the day she left, she changed direction and called Mother Jiang. However, just like with Jiang Huaichuan, the phone rang until it automatically disconnected, and Mother Jiang didn’t answer either.
Was it a coincidence, or was she overthinking?
She dialed Jiang Huaichuan and Mother Jiang’s numbers again, but the result was the same…
Lu Zizheng bit her lip, suddenly feeling an uncontrollable surge of bitterness, grievance, and helplessness welling up in her heart, with insecurity filling her mind. Lies, they were all lies. Weren’t they supposed to be intimate lovers? Weren’t they supposed to be family members who relied on each other? Weren’t they supposed to be a loving family? Why were they conspiring to hide things from her, excluding her? Liar, Jiang Huaixi, you liar…
She stood up, her hand supporting her on the desk, fingers gradually closing, finally clenching into a fist. After a while, she suddenly sprang into action, rushing to the study, turning on the computer, and quickly browsing and searching for flights. She wanted to go to Linzhou, to be by Jiang Huaixi’s side! Husband and wife were supposed to be one, no matter what difficulties arose, she had the right to face them together with Jiang Huaixi. Jiang Huaixi couldn’t just deprive her of the right to share the burden.
After booking a flight back to Linzhou for the next afternoon, Lu Zizheng suddenly felt drained, slumping powerlessly in her chair. After a long while, she composed herself and began packing. She hadn’t brought much when she came, just some clothes, simple and basic. In no time, she was almost done packing.
Even in the air-conditioned room, Lu Zizheng had worked up a sweat. She stood in front of the bed, looking at the suitcase, habitually brushing her bangs back, wondering if she had forgotten anything. Just as she was struggling to think of anything else and was about to go to the living room to get a glass of water, the doorbell suddenly rang.
Lu Zizheng opened the door and saw Lian Xuan standing there, whom she hadn’t seen for days. Since that day when she returned from X University with Lian Xuan, Lu Zizheng had deliberately distanced herself from Lian Xuan. Whenever Lian Xuan invited her for meals or brought fruits to chat after dinner, she politely declined, refusing all invitations. After two or three times, Lian Xuan seemed to have noticed and quieted down. For several consecutive days, Lu Zizheng hadn’t seen her at all.
Now, Lian Xuan stood smiling at the door. Noticing a thin layer of sweat on Lu Zizheng’s nose, she asked with some surprise: “Were you doing indoor exercises?”
Lu Zizheng shook her head, blocking the doorway, and asked directly: “What is it? Do you need something?” Clearly, she was in a stance of refusing disturbance.
Lian Xuan noticed her distant attitude, a fleeting sadness passing through her eyes. Then, she smiled and invited her warmly: “I heard that the sand sculpture park across from Xuhai Park is holding a sand sculpture exhibition these days, along with a week-long food street event. They’ve also invited some musicians for evening performances. I wanted to ask if you’re free any day to go and see it together.”
Hearing this, Lu Zizheng showed a slightly apologetic smile and informed Lian Xuan: “Lian Xuan, I’m returning to Linzhou tomorrow afternoon, so I’m afraid I won’t be able to go with you.”
Lian Xuan clearly hadn’t anticipated this, her expression showing obvious surprise. She paused for a moment, then asked Lu Zizheng: “Why are you suddenly going back? Weren’t you planning to stay here and review?”
Lu Zizheng lowered her eyelids, sighed, and explained casually: “Well, something came up, so I decided to go back for a while.”
Lian Xuan couldn’t help blurting out, her voice a bit louder as she pressed: “Is it related to Jiang Huaixi?”
Lu Zizheng frowned imperceptibly and replied flatly: “Mm.”
Lian Xuan realized she had lost her composure. She seemed to want to explain something, but in the end, she just opened her mouth and then fell silent. She lowered her head slightly, looking somewhat regretful and hesitant. Her hand gripping the hem of her skirt gradually tightened, and her whole demeanor seemed to be overshadowed by dark clouds.
After a moment of silence, Lian Xuan finally spoke again, changing her approach, and asked Lu Zizheng: “Then why not seize the day? Can we go together tonight?” As she spoke, her eyes stared directly at Lu Zizheng, filled with pleading.
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Lu Zizheng avoided her gaze and politely declined: “I’m leaving tomorrow, so I want to pack some things tonight and then get to bed early…”
However, Lian Xuan, unlike her usual considerate self, suddenly became unusually persistent, begging her again: “It’s just across the street, not far at all, and won’t take much time.” She lowered her head, her tone dejected and full of melancholy: “Zizheng, we don’t know what circumstances we’ll each be in the next time we meet. I guess this might be the last time… So, please accompany me one more time, okay? Fulfill my beautiful dream…”
Lu Zizheng gazed at her for a long time, feeling somewhat emotional. Lian Xuan was indeed as perceptive and decisive as ever. If it wasn’t for this time, there certainly wouldn’t be a next time. She understood that former lovers ultimately find it difficult to become friends.
Finally, Lu Zizheng relented and asked: “Is it okay if we return before 9 o’clock?” This was her last compromise for Lian Xuan. Lu Zizheng thought that if possible, they shouldn’t see each other again in the future. It would probably be better for both her and Lian Xuan.
A smile suddenly burst onto Lian Xuan’s dejected face, and she nodded repeatedly with unexpected joy: “That’s fine. Then, can you wait for me a moment? I’ll go back to get my bag and keys, and then we can leave right away, okay?”
Lu Zizheng nodded, watching Lian Xuan’s figure hurriedly turn and leave. In her heart, she let out a long sigh.
Surprisingly, the sand sculpture exhibition was much livelier than Lu Zizheng had imagined. The food street was filled with the aroma of various snacks, and the evening party seemed to be about to start, with cheers echoing constantly. Lu Zizheng and Lian Xuan bought two tickets and entered the sand sculpture park. Lian Xuan enthusiastically asked Lu Zizheng if she wanted to try some specialty snacks, but Lu Zizheng seemed somewhat disinterested, replying perfunctorily: “Anything is fine…” The sand sculpture park was dimly lit with colorful, flickering lights; the music from the evening party was deafeningly loud, making Lu Zizheng’s head ache from the noise.
Seeing Lu Zizheng’s reluctance, Lian Xuan just smiled and led her towards the sand sculptures, explaining: “It’s noisiest here because it’s closest to the stage. If we walk this way, it might be better, and we can see the largest sand sculpture of this festival.” As they moved further away, the music indeed became softer, and Lu Zizheng felt her ears were much more comfortable.
Sure enough, after passing by several small sand sculptures of various styles along the way, a huge ship-shaped sand sculpture appeared before Lu Zizheng’s eyes.
The ship was about three meters tall, with an imposing scale. The cabin was high, and looking up, one could see the lifelike buildings and tall funnels standing on the deck, all meticulously sculpted. On the deck, there was a flurry of activity, with many people leaning against the railings, holding cameras, evidently taking souvenir photos.
Lian Xuan asked Lu Zizheng, “Do you want to go up and take a look?”
Lu Zizheng, impressed by its scale and somewhat curious, nodded.
So Lian Xuan walked in front, with Lu Zizheng following behind. Unexpectedly, there was an additional fee to go up to the deck. By the time Lu Zizheng realized this, Lian Xuan had already bought the tickets. Lu Zizheng felt a bit embarrassed, but since Lian Xuan had already paid, she could only follow her up.
As Lian Xuan was walking up, she was on the phone. Due to the noise, Lu Zizheng couldn’t hear any of Lian Xuan’s conversation. By the time they reached the deck, Lian Xuan had finished her call and put away her phone.
Lu Zizheng, holding her phone, walked around the deck with Lian Xuan, entering some open interior rooms, using flash to take many photos. After about ten minutes, Lian Xuan led Lu Zizheng to the deck railing, suggesting she look into the distance and enjoy the comfort of the cool breeze.
As Lu Zizheng was straining to gaze into the thick darkness of the night, she heard Lian Xuan say softly with a smile: “Zizheng, do you know that this ship is the Titanic…”
Lu Zizheng was slightly stunned and gently shook her head, indicating she didn’t know.
Lian Xuan smiled, looking at Lu Zizheng with a faint dimple and a hint of sadness. The phone in her hand suddenly vibrated, and her smile widened. She suddenly pointed to the night sky and exclaimed excitedly to Lu Zizheng: “Zizheng, look quickly…”
Hearing this, Lu Zizheng reflexively raised her head in surprise, looking in the direction Lian Xuan was pointing. The next second, she saw a streak of light shoot rapidly into the dark blue night sky, and then with a “bang,” it burst into a dazzling display of colors in the air. One after another, the fireworks bloomed, creating a spectacular show that was almost too much to take in.
It was fireworks.
Lu Zizheng gazed at one beautiful burst after another, lost in thought for a long time.
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Lian Xuan’s voice sounded in her ear, tender and affectionate: “Zizheng, I’m sorry. This fireworks display, I’ve owed you for a long time.”
Lu Zizheng lowered her head and turned her face to see Lian Xuan’s face, exceptionally beautiful in the hazy night, her eyes filled with unmistakable sincerity and passion.
Lian Xuan’s face showed a faint dimple, but her tone was melancholic and wistful: “It’s a pity that we don’t have the snowy ground from that year in high school here, and we can never go back there…”
Through the hazy lights, Lu Zizheng looked at Lian Xuan, whose smile held a bitter sweetness. She remembered herself from that year, secretly glancing at Lian Xuan during class with her heart pounding like a drum. She recalled herself chasing a car in the pouring rain. She thought of Lian Xuan that year, full of youthful spirit, promising to take her to see a grand fireworks display. And she remembered Jiang Huaixi, who had embraced her and fulfilled this obsession, making her heart flutter. She couldn’t help but feel a bitterness in her heart.
I’m sorry, Lian Xuan, I really waited for you for so long…
But now, it’s truly too late, far too late…
So, all she could respond with was a sentence scattered by the night wind: “Lian Xuan, I’ve already come so far. Don’t stay in the same place anymore. You will find happiness…”
LP: Re-translated on October 14, 2024