The Princess’ Shadow Guard – Chapter 74
by Little PandaShijie Arc, Chapter Four
Am I worthy of pursuing happiness? (Sleeping together)
Of course…
Beautiful things are always so illusory.
I’m not worthy.
Zi Yan came back to her senses. She lowered her eyes and staggered up from that warm embrace, avoiding Song Shuqing’s probing gaze. “Song-daren… you should go.”
“Hey, kicking me out already.”
Subtly rotating her slightly numb arm, Song Shuqing spoke jokingly. “Not asking me to stay for a meal? Or go out for dinner together, maybe?”
“I can’t eat anything tonight…” Zi Yan said, her voice dry as she navigated the mess on the floor and sat down before her vanity mirror.
Raising a confused eyebrow, the shadow guard asked quizzically, “Why’s that? It’s so late, aren’t you hungry?”
Ashamed to speak of it in front of Song Shuqing, Zi Yan swallowed and said haltingly, “Jia-daren… has rather particular tastes, and he can be a bit rough. I can’t eat anything tonight.” She shifted her posture.
“Otherwise, it’ll get messy.”
“You—you mean?” Song Shuqing sucked in a sharp breath, her face turning ashen. “No way. Are you… are you okay?”
Forcing a smile, Zi Yan didn’t dare look at the expression on the woman’s face, not even in the mirror’s reflection.
She was afraid—afraid of seeing the disgust that would make her heart feel like it was being cut by a knife1.
“It’s much better now. Ever since I became the top courtesan2, I only have to… for the two days of the full moon each month. People will bid higher if it’s less frequent.”
“No, what the hell? What about you?” Song Shuqing rushed forward, her face etched with worry as she looked at the woman biting her lower lip. “I’m asking if you’re okay. What does that have to do with whether it’s two days or five?”
She knew about Zi Yan’s profession.
She also knew Zi Yan had to play the qin for clients and would be out of her room a few nights a month.
Out of respect and a sense of propriety, she never asked about the details, simply interacting with Zi Yan naturally, as if they were ordinary friends.
She just never knew that Zi Yan also had to accommodate such nauseating perversions…
Quietly controlling her breathing, Zi Yan found that something she had grown accustomed to was now unbearably difficult to speak of in front of Song Shuqing. She tried to keep her tone level. “I… I can’t really take it, but it’s okay. There are only six months left. It’ll be over soon. I just have to endure it.”
“Endure?” Song Shuqing repeated through clenched teeth. “Endure my ass! It’s obviously agonizing…”
Clutching the wooden comb tightly, Zi Yan’s expression was stiff. Only the slight tremble in her voice betrayed her inner turmoil. “Song-daren… I’m fine. Please, go back.”
“Please, just go back for today.”
“I’m begging you…”
The woman before the mirror never once looked up, and so she never saw the look on Song Shuqing’s face.
A long time passed. Only in the second after she sensed the window being opened did Zi Yan finally look around her empty, chaotic room.
Everything was as it had been.
The one thing she cared about, the black cloak, had been crumpled into a ball and lay wrinkled beside her qin.
Just like her heart—already shattered and worthless.
The next day.
As the sun set in the west, the elegant huakui put on the heavy makeup that didn’t suit her and descended the stairs, dusting herself with fragrant powder. She saw the madam3 waiting for her at the door, hands on her hips.
“Zi Yan, where on earth did you hook such a devoted man?” The woman, who was over fifty yet whose charm and grace still remained4, took a drag from her tobacco pipe, her face a mask of disbelief. “Doesn’t look like any of the high officials and noble personages, yet he was willing to pay double Jia-daren’s price for you.”
“What?” The huakui, looking puzzled, held her fan and tried to recall any possible candidates, but she drew a blank.
“Good thing he looks pretty thin. You probably won’t suffer too much…”
The woman blew a smoke ring, patted Zi Yan’s shoulder, and then left.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter who it is.
I just have to get through these two days…
Taking a deep breath, Zi Yan tried to hypnotize herself, forcing her still-unsettled heart to go numb. She slowly slid the door open and knelt respectfully. “This concubine body5 is Zi Yan. Greetings, Young Master.”
Turning to slide the door shut, she resignedly bowed her head, quietly awaiting instructions from the person inside.
“…My god, this cloak is way too hot to wear in the summer.”
A weary voice came from under the hood. Shaking her head, Song Shuqing revealed a slightly sweaty face inside the room, fanning herself constantly. “How on earth does Ah Yun endure wearing this to go around upholding justice and helping the weak6?”
“Song… Song-daren.” Zi Yan was utterly stunned, staring at the woman who was now casually sitting with her legs crossed.
“Yo! Zi Yan.”
The shadow guard pulled several steamed buns7 from her robes and waved the huakui over. “Stop kneeling, your legs will go numb. You’re hungry, right? Come eat something.”
Seeing the person at the door just standing there in a daze, Song Shuqing urged impatiently, “Hurry up, they’ll get cold if you don’t eat.”
Zi Yan rose uncertainly and took the warm meat bun that was shoved into her hands. As if frozen in place, she asked in astonishment, “Song-daren! Why… why are you here?”
“Hm? Is there a rule that says I can’t come?”
Seeing Zi Yan just holding the food without moving, Song Shuqing grabbed her slender wrist, guided the bun to the woman’s rouged lips, and then said with a pained look on her face, “I had no idea that Jia-daren was paying so much. With half a year to go, my meager savings weren’t nearly enough… Good thing Qinqin and the others hadn’t left yet, so I borrowed a little money from the Princess…”
Although, that “little money” was basically the equivalent of selling the next few years of her life…
“Damn it! The Princess, that double-standard person, after all we’ve been through, she still had the nerve to charge me ten percent interest… Good thing Qinqin was there.”
Looking like she didn’t want to recall the memory, Song Shuqing rubbed her temples. “Of course, this isn’t free. I’m not that nice. After your work here is done, you’ll have to work at the teahouse for half a year. Basic salary only, so don’t go thinking you’ll get a commission.”
“Let me tell you, the teahouse is really busy now, not as chill as it used to be. Don’t even think about slacking off!”
Grabbing a steamed bun for herself, Song Shuqing deliberately avoided looking at the woman’s reddening eyes, pretending to casually flip through the menu on the tea table. “…So I have to stay with you for these two days? You can order food here, huh. This Chunfeng Pavilion is pretty accommodating. What do you want to eat tomorrow?”
As if trying to swallow the lump in her throat, Zi Yan forced down the food in her mouth and spoke slowly. “We’re not allowed to eat the food for the clients…”
“Hey, it’s me, not someone else.” Song Shuqing chewed on her bun with a dismissive look. “What’s gonna happen if you eat with me? Besides, it’s no fun eating alone. Is there anything you’ve been dying to eat but never had the chance? It’s my first time here, so why don’t you recommend something for me?”
Staring blankly at the woman leaning against the table, Zi Yan finally spoke after a long pause.
Her voice was soft. “I saw it before… it looked really delicious…”
“Okay, I like noodle soup, too.” Song Shuqing nodded, uncrossing her legs and standing up straight. She scanned the room’s layout.
Hm, a bed board, a wooden table, a bathing tub, and some other disgusting things I don’t even want to look at. It really has it all…
She got up and pulled a screen over to hide the mess in the corner, then turned to the woman standing quietly to the side and waved her hand. “Don’t be so formal. Just do whatever you want.”
With that, she took off her outer robe, pulled a book from her satchel, and lay down on the bed, propping her head up to read.
Watching the person who looked so completely at ease, Zi Yan felt a little flustered, subconsciously picking at her kòu-dyed9 nails.
Then, the woman silently sat before the bronze mirror and removed her elaborate hair ornaments and the rouge she had just applied. But the tranquil scene made her feel as if she were in a dream.
As if the peace of this moment was fake, the feeling of a full stomach was fake, and even the person reading on the bed was fake.
She sat before the mirror for a long time. It wasn’t until darkness fell outside and Song Shuqing lit an oil lamp and ladled water to wash up that Zi Yan came back to herself.
“Sleepy?”
With a few drops of water still on her face, Song Shuqing walked over to the bare-faced huakui and tilted her head with a light smile. “Don’t be mad, but I think you look much better like this than you did before.”
Touching her own unadorned cheeks, Zi Yan lowered her eyes. “Is that so…” She rose by the dim light and went to the bed, where she took off her ornate outer clothes and stood quietly to the side.
“You don’t mind if I sleep on the outside, do you? Occupational hazard, you know.” Lifting the quilt and gesturing to the person who was now only in her undergarments, Song Shuqing pulled out the long, sharp-enough-to-kill-someone hairpin from her hair and placed it casually by the bedside. “I’m a pretty good sleeper… probably?”
“It’s fine. Anything is fine with me.” Zi Yan got into bed, her heart pounding, and lay stiffly on the very edge.
“Good.” Lying down beside the woman, Song Shuqing tossed the quilt over her and then complained with some dissatisfaction, “Scoot over a little, I can’t reach it like this.”
She reached out, looped an arm around Zi Yan’s waist, and stopped her from pressing against the cold wall. “Don’t worry, I won’t crush you.” After making sure the woman had enough space, Song Shuqing withdrew her arm and placed it properly at her side. “Go to sleep. I’m exhausted today.”
“Good night.”
“…Good night.”
After the time it takes for one stick of incense10 to burn, Zi Yan opened her eyes in the darkness and carefully turned over.
Looking at the person beside her, whose eyes were shut tight and whose chest rose and fell with a steady, even rhythm, she let out a soft breath and dared to study the face she had never presumed to look at so openly.
Song Shuqing had deep-set features, with large eyes and a high-bridged nose. Unlike the women of the Central Plains11, who were as soft and gentle as water, she was more like a fierce, exotic flame—strikingly handsome.
But that forceful appearance was always concealed by her usual look of having no heart and no lungs12, and her grin was always mischievous. Only when she pressed her lips together would her silent face reveal a hard-to-detect air of deep plans and far-reaching considerations13.
Gazing at the peaceful sleeping face before her, Zi Yan unconsciously reached out to touch Song Shuqing’s lips. But terrified of waking her, she only brushed against them as lightly and fleetingly as a feather falling to the ground.
So warm…
Really, so warm…
In the darkness, the huakui was still uncertain. As if to confirm something, she traced a path down from the jawline until she touched the shadow guard’s open hand. Cautiously, she laced their fingers together, and only then did she feel an inexplicable sense of reality.
This was the first time.
The first time in this room that she could just relax, without having to worry about anything.
She didn’t have to fear cruel blows, being roughly shaken awake in the middle of the night, or a vicious, leering face reeking of alcohol.
She didn’t have to worry about anything.
She had long been mentally prepared, so she knew she shouldn’t complain about any of her encounters, nor should she harbor any other foolish fantasies…
But then, what was this expectation now overflowing from the bottom of her heart, this heart-stirring feeling that could no longer be suppressed?
Feeling the person lying beside her, Zi Yan questioned herself.
Am I worthy?
Am I worthy of pursuing happiness?
I’m just a woman who has fallen into the world of dust14, so what right do I have to desire such a noble and gentle person?
What right do I have to yearn for an affection that goes beyond mere pity?
Her body trembled lightly as she sank into endless self-doubt, nearly unable to breathe.
Terrified of waking the person beside her, Zi Yan forced herself to hold her breath and gently stretched her fingers, intending to pull away from the warmth she was so reluctant to leave.
In the next second, she heard what sounded like a low murmur in a dream. Song Shuqing, who had been motionless, turned over, tightened her grip on Zi Yan’s hand, and pulled the woman closer, gently holding Zi Yan in her arms through the quilt.
Zi Yan’s breath hitched against the shadow guard’s neck. She froze, feeling the warmth and the faint scent of tea coming from the person in front of her.
As if unintentionally, Song Shuqing patted the woman’s thin back comfortingly, then fell still again as if she had sunk back into a deep sleep.
But when she felt her collar grow damp, the shadow guard in the darkness suddenly opened her eyes, her gaze perfectly clear.
The woman in her arms was clutching her sleeve, and in the silent night, there was only the sound of her suppressed sobs.
Song Shuqing, who had never been asleep, didn’t move. She simply let the huakui in her arms vent all the emotions she normally kept so tightly repressed, accompanying her in silent, faithful companionship through the long, long night.
The author has something to say:
Thank you all for reading this far and for supporting this story. I wish you all a happy weekend!
LP: Re-translated on October 22, 2025
Footnotes
- Hanzi: 心如刀割 | Pinyin: xīnrúdāogē | Explanation: Lit. “heart like being cut by a knife.” An idiom describing extreme emotional pain or heartbreak.
- Hanzi: 头牌 | Pinyin: tóupái | Explanation: The “headliner” or most popular and expensive courtesan in a brothel.
- Hanzi: 鸨儿 | Pinyin: bǎo’er | Explanation: The woman in charge of a brothel.
- Hanzi: 风韵犹存 | Pinyin: fēngyùn yóucún | Explanation: Lit. “charm and grace still remain.” An idiom describing an older woman who is still attractive and elegant.
- Hanzi: 妾身 | Pinyin: qièshēn | Explanation: Lit. “concubine body.” A humble, deferential first-person pronoun used by women in historical contexts, especially when speaking to a social superior or a man.
- Hanzi: 行侠仗义 | Pinyin: xíngxiá zhàngyì | Explanation: Lit. “to travel around upholding justice and helping the weak.” A core concept in Wuxia stories, describing the chivalrous code of martial artists.
- Hanzi: 蒸包 | Pinyin: zhēngbāo | Explanation: A generic term for steamed buns, often filled with meat or vegetables.
- Hanzi: 汤面 | Pinyin: tāngmiàn | Explanation: A simple dish of noodles served in broth.
- Hanzi: 蔻 | Pinyin: kòu | Explanation: Refers to the juice of plants like balsam or cardamom, used historically as a reddish nail dye.
- Hanzi: 一炷香 | Pinyin: yī zhù xiāng | Explanation: Lit. “one stick of incense.” A traditional Chinese way of measuring time, roughly equivalent to 30 minutes to an hour, depending on the incense.
- Hanzi: 中原 | Pinyin: Zhōngyuán | Explanation: The Central Plains of China, considered the cradle of Chinese civilization. In cultural contexts, it often represents the orthodox Han Chinese heartland.
- Hanzi: 没心没肺 | Pinyin: méixīnméifèi | Explanation: Lit. “no heart and no lungs.” An idiom describing someone who is carefree, thoughtless, or seemingly heartless.
- Hanzi: 深谋远虑 | Pinyin: shēnmóuyuǎnlǜ | Explanation: Lit. “deep plans and far-reaching considerations.” An idiom for being farsighted, thoughtful, and strategic.
- Hanzi: 沦落至风尘 | Pinyin: lúnluò zhì fēngchén | Explanation: Lit. “fallen into the wind and dust.” A poetic euphemism for becoming a prostitute or courtesan.
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