The Princess’ Shadow Guard – Chapter 10

Ah Qin, I’m in So Much Pain (Phantom Pain + The Commandery Princess Starts to Get Possessive)

Now that she had her Master’s personal permission, Ming Qin, who was still on medical leave, went to find Murong Yan almost every moment she was free.

Today was the Winter Solstice.​¹ Ming Qin braved the wind and snow to go to the East Market early in the morning. Carrying a bamboo container, she climbed up Cang Yue Tower, beaming with delight.

            

Big Brother Jiang’s mushroom chicken soup was the best. On such a cold day, the Commandery Princess would have to drink plenty of it later to nourish her body.

Even though the cold of Layue​² had made the bricks and tiles incredibly slippery, and her climbing fingers were covered in chilblains, Ming Qin’s heart was as bright as the high sun.

When she entered the room, however, she did not see the usual smiling figure on the couch.

            

A muffled groan came from the depths of the room—it was low, as if forced through clenched teeth from under a blanket.

Panic flared in Ming Qin’s heart. She dropped what she was holding and flashed to the bedside in an instant.

“Commandery Princess!”

            

Ming Qin threw back the cotton quilt and saw Murong Yan curled up, both hands clutching the top of her own right thigh.

She was trembling, her entire body drenched in a cold sweat.

Her hair was plastered wetly to her cheeks and neck, her lips were deathly pale, but the corners of her eyes were flushed a deep red.

            

How pitiful.

Ming Qin’s heart ached as she brushed the hair from Murong Yan’s forehead. She knew what this was.

In the Shadow Guard Camp, Ming Qin had seen many seniors whose minds couldn’t keep up with their bodies even after an amputation.

            

The incision was clearly healed, and there was clearly nothing there, yet they would still tremble in pain. Because there was no wound, there was no way to alleviate it. Even the imperial physicians were helpless.

A phantom-like pain.​³

“Commandery Princess! Commandery Princess!” Ming Qin leaned down and called into Murong Yan’s ear.

            

The woman’s eyes were hazy as she looked at her. She groaned again, this time a little longer than before, a sob mixed within it.

“Ming Qin, it hurts so much. I’m in so much pain,” Murong Yan trembled, her breathing shallow. Hearing her, Ming Qin felt her heart was about to shatter.

She took off her shoes, got onto the bed, and sat cross-legged. She lifted Murong Yan into her lap, wrapping one arm around her waist and patting her gently, while her other hand supported Murong Yan’s neck, letting her rest against her chest. “It doesn’t hurt, it’s okay, it doesn’t hurt.”

            

Ming Qin rocked her body gently, trying to distract Murong Yan from the pain.

Murong Yan’s hands gripped the wrist of the arm Ming Qin had around her waist, her fingertips turning white from the force.

She buried her head in Ming Qin’s collar, trembling and murmuring nonstop, “It hurts so much. It really, really hurts. Ming Qin, kill me. I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want it. Just kill me.”

            

Hearing this, Ming Qin froze for a moment, then continued to coax her gently. “It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt. Yanyan, no more pain, it’ll be better soon. Yanyan doesn’t hurt, okay?”

She patted her back, again and again.

After a while, the gasping breaths gradually weakened.

            

Having recovered a little in Ming Qin’s arms, Murong Yan laboriously lifted her head.

Meeting her eyes, Ming Qin gave a gentle smile. “When I was in a lot of pain as a child, my Mistress would hold me just like this.”

Murong Yan struggled to unclench her stiff fingers and asked weakly, “You… why were you in pain?”

            

“Training. Practicing martial arts is really hard. If you don’t do well, not only do you not get to eat, you also get hit with a rod.”

Ming Qin took Murong Yan’s hand, gently massaging her fingers. “The interrogation training was the hardest to endure. Getting whipped with a rawhide whip hurts like hell. At night, when I was in too much pain to sleep, my Mistress would hold me like this.”

“And then it wouldn’t hurt anymore?” Murong Yan asked curiously.

            

Ming Qin tilted her head, thinking for a moment. “It would still hurt a little,” she said with a small smile. “But later, when I grew up, I didn’t really feel pain anymore.”

“Why?” Murong Yan asked.

Ming Qin recalled, “It was like one day, the pain got so bad that something in my head just snapped and burned out. After that, no matter how much I bled, it never hurt again.”

            

Murong Yan looked at Ming Qin’s nonchalant face, fell silent for a moment, and then asked, “What does your Mistress call you?”

“Everyone in the camp calls me Qinqin.” The question came out of nowhere, but Ming Qin still answered honestly.

Murong Yan shifted slightly to look at Ming Qin, a thoughtful expression on her face as if confirming something. “So that’s why you call me Yanyan?”

            

“I… I, I…” Ming Qin’s face flushed red, and she was at a complete loss. “Commandery Princess, I was wrong.”

She knew she had been presumptuous. The woman before her was a dignified commandery princess, a member of the imperial family. How could a lowly Shadow Guard like herself address her directly by name, let alone with such a casual nickname?

Murong Yan looked at the nervous girl and, for once, couldn’t maintain her cold expression. “I don’t dislike it.” She was just a little curious.

            

After thinking for a moment, Murong Yan couldn’t resist teasing her. “Then, shall I call you… Ah Qin? Is that all right?”

For some reason, she wanted to be different from the others.

Ming Qin was using a handkerchief to wipe the sweat from Murong Yan’s forehead and neck. Hearing this, she felt a rare sense of awkwardness. “The Commandery Princess can call Ming Qin whatever she likes.”

            

“Is that so?” Murong Yan found Ming Qin’s expression amusing and said with a hint of mischief, “Then I also permit you to call me Yanyan.”

Just as Ming Qin thought everything was getting better, Murong Yan, still in her arms, suddenly clenched her jaw, and her body began to tremble violently again.

Seeing Murong Yan about to press down on her right leg, Ming Qin quickly pulled the woman closer and guided her hands to clutch at her own shoulders instead.

            

The woman’s nails, painted with red koudan dye,​⁴ dug deep into Ming Qin’s flesh, and bloody marks instantly dotted her shoulders.

“It hurts. Ah Qin, it really, really hurts,” Murong Yan’s lips trembled, her eyes red-rimmed. “I can’t take it. There’s nothing there, but it still hurts so much.”

“I know, I know everything.” Ming Qin paid no mind to the blood on her shoulders, simply patting Murong Yan gently and cooing in a low voice.

            

“Ah Qin, I can’t get used to it. It’s too painful.” Burying her head in Ming Qin’s neck, Murong Yan choked out, “Ah Qin, I can’t get used to it.”

Suddenly, Ming Qin felt a dampness spreading at her collar.

She paused, then tightened her arms, holding the woman even closer as she whispered in her ear, “Yanyan, it doesn’t hurt. You’ll be better soon. Yanyan, no more pain.”

            

The body in her arms convulsed, the muffled sounds growing louder.

Sensing Murong Yan uncontrollably biting her own lip, Ming Qin reached up and gently pressed her thumb against her lower lip, slipping it between Murong Yan’s teeth and letting her bite down hard. Her other four fingers gently caressed her cheek.

“Good girl, Yanyan. It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t hurt. Don’t be scared, the pain will be gone soon.”

            

She unconsciously brushed her lips against Murong Yan’s forehead. “I’m here with you, Yanyan. I’m right here.”

Looking at Murong Yan’s suffering, a feeling of helplessness made her heart ache.

The anxious wait was an agony Ming Qin had never experienced before. All she could do was pat her gently and murmur in her ear, hoping to ease her pain.

            

As she called her name again and again, Murong Yan’s tense body seemed to truly hear her words, slowly relaxing.

After about one ke,​⁵ Murong Yan went completely limp. She lay with her eyes closed, breathing weakly. Her damp forehead was no longer sweating, resting coolly against Ming Qin’s shoulder.

Ming Qin rocked her gently and wiped away the tear tracks from the corners of her eyes.

            

Hearing Murong Yan’s breathing become shallower, she prepared to slowly lay her down, but the woman’s hands clung tightly to her shoulders. Unwilling to use force, Ming Qin found she couldn’t pry them off no matter how she tried.

Resigned, Ming Qin could only pull the quilt over both of them and let down the bed curtains.

Gazing at Murong Yan’s sleeping face, perhaps due to the exhaustion from her frayed nerves, or perhaps from the relief of seeing the person in her arms finally sleeping peacefully, Ming Qin found herself tightening her embrace and dozing off.

            

When Murong Yan woke up, the sky was already dark.

By the faint glow of the charcoal fire and oil lamp, she looked up and saw Ming Qin’s head bobbing as she slept.

Liar.

            

Murong Yan thought.

It still hurt, even when you were holding me.

What a big liar.

            

Feeling the warmth beneath her and the arms holding her tight, Murong Yan guiltily touched the wounds on Ming Qin’s shoulder with her fingertips.

However, it did seem that no matter how much it hurt, she had been able to endure it.

Her phantom pain had always been recurrent, and the winter cold would intensify her reaction each year. When it struck, she would always have to grit her teeth and bear the pain for several days straight.

            

Thinking of the rare, sound sleep she had just had, Murong Yan’s fingers moved upward to gently stroke the hair on Ming Qin’s forehead.

Just by being in her arms, just by the soft murmurs in her ear, she had been able to escape that living nightmare so quickly.

It was truly a miracle.

            

At this thought, Murong Yan smiled sweetly and slowly tilted her head up.

Whether you were a miracle destined for me or not, you were the one who barged in so unreasonably.

Murong Yan turned and wrapped her arms around Ming Qin’s back, her chin resting on her shoulder, her breathing a little ragged.

            

Now, you no longer have the chance to leave.

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The author has something to say:

The current theory behind phantom limb pain is that after a limb is lost, the nerves in the spinal cord and brain reorganize. This causes the nerves to register an abnormality in the amputated area, thus sending erroneous pain signals to the brain.

            

Currently, there is no cure. It is mainly managed with medication or by using an MRI to locate and electrically stimulate specific nerves in the brain. (The latter has not yet been widely applied and is still in the experimental stage, but the principle is sound and promising.)

In short, our Yanyan is in a lot of pain.

It really hurt my heart to write this.

            

I hope that with medical advancement, one day no one in the world will have to suffer such torment.

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LP: Re-translated on June 07, 2025

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