The Princess’ Shadow Guard – Chapter 10

Ah Qin, It Hurts (Phantom Pain + The Commandery Princess Begins to Cling)

Since she had received Master’s personal permission, Ming Qin, who was still on medical leave, went to see Murong Yan whenever she had a free moment.

Today was the Winter Solstice¹. Braving the wind and snow, Ming Qin went to the Eastern Market early in the morning. Clutching a bamboo thermos, she happily climbed up Cangyue Tower.

            

Brother Jiang’s mushroom chicken soup from the market is the absolute best. On such a cold day, the Commandery Princess will definitely need to drink a lot of it to nourish her body.

Even though the cold of the twelfth lunar month² froze the tiles, making them dangerously slippery, and her climbing fingers were covered in chilblains, Ming Qin’s mood remained as bright as the blazing sun.

Upon entering the room, however, she did not see the usual smiling figure on the couch.

            

A muffled groan came from deep within the room—low and strained, like a sound squeezed through gritted teeth from beneath the quilt.

A wave of panic struck Ming Qin’s heart. She dropped what she was holding and swiftly darted to the bedside.

“Your Highness!”

            

Ming Qin threw back the cotton quilt. She saw Murong Yan curled up, both hands gripping the root of her right leg.

She was trembling, cold sweat seeping from every pore.

Her damp hair clung to her cheeks and neck, her lips were deathly pale, yet the corners of her eyes flushed a deep crimson.

            

So pitiful.

Her heart aching, Ming Qin brushed the hair from Murong Yan’s forehead. She knew exactly what this was.

In the Shadow Guard camp, Ming Qin had seen many seniors whose minds couldn’t catch up with their bodies even after an amputation.

            

Even though the incision had healed, even though there was nothing there, they would still tremble in agony. Because there was no physical wound, there was no way to relieve it. Even the imperial doctors were entirely helpless.

Phantom pain.

“Your Highness! Your Highness!” Ming Qin called out, leaning close to Murong Yan’s ear.

            

The woman looked at her with clouded eyes and let out another groan, longer than the last, laced with a choked sob.

“Ming Qin, it hurts so much. It hurts so much,” Murong Yan panted, trembling. Hearing this, Ming Qin felt her own heart break.

She kicked off her shoes, climbed onto the bed, and sat cross-legged. She lifted Murong Yan into her lap, wrapping one arm around her waist to gently pat her back, while her other hand supported her neck so the woman could lean against her chest. “It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t hurt.”

            

Ming Qin swayed her body gently, trying to distract Murong Yan.

Murong Yan’s hands tightly clutched the wrist Ming Qin had wrapped around her waist, her fingertips turning white from the force.

Her head buried in Ming Qin’s collar, she mumbled through ceaseless tremors, “It hurts. It really, really hurts. Ming Qin, kill me. I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want it. Just kill me.”

            

Ming Qin froze for a moment at those words. Then, she coaxed gently into Murong Yan’s ear, “It doesn’t hurt. Yanyan, it doesn’t hurt. It will be better soon. Yanyan doesn’t hurt.”

Her hand patted the woman’s back in a steady rhythm.

After a while, the panting grew weaker.

            

Having recovered a little in Ming Qin’s embrace, Murong Yan lifted her head with great effort.

Meeting her gaze, Ming Qin smiled warmly. “When I was little and in a lot of pain, Shimu³ used to hold me just like this.”

Murong Yan laboriously uncurled her stiff fingers and asked weakly, “Why… why were you in pain?”

            

“Training. Practicing martial arts is incredibly bitter. If you don’t do well, not only do you go without food, but you also have to take a beating with a stick.”

Ming Qin grasped Murong Yan’s hand, gently massaging her fingers. “Interrogation training was the hardest to endure. Being whipped with a cowhide lash hurts terribly. When it hurt too much to sleep at night, Shimu would hold me like this.”

“Did it stop hurting after that?” Murong Yan asked, curious.

            

Tilting her head in thought for a moment, Ming Qin gave a small smile. “It still hurt a bit. But as I grew older, I stopped feeling the pain as much.”

“Why?” Murong Yan asked.

Ming Qin reminisced. “It felt like one day, it hurt so badly that something in my brain just snapped and burned out. After that, no matter how much I bled, it never hurt again.”

            

Murong Yan looked at Ming Qin’s indifferent face. She fell silent for a while before asking, “What did your Shimu call you?”

“Everyone in the camp calls me Qinqin.” Caught off guard by the sudden change in topic, Ming Qin answered honestly.

Murong Yan slightly adjusted her posture, looking at Ming Qin thoughtfully as if trying to confirm something. “Is that why you called me Yanyan?”

            

“I… I-I…” Ming Qin flushed crimson, completely flustered. “Your Highness, I was wrong.”

She knew she had been presumptuous. The woman before her was a dignified Commandery Princess, a member of the imperial family. How could a lowly Shadow Guard like herself address her directly by her name, let alone coin a casual nickname?

Looking at the anxious girl, Murong Yan couldn’t help but drop her cold facade. “I didn’t say I disliked it.” She had merely been curious.

            

Tilting her head in thought for a moment, Murong Yan couldn’t resist teasing her. “Then I will call you… Ah Qin? Is that alright?”

For some inexplicable reason, she wanted to be different from the others.

Ming Qin was using a handkerchief to wipe the sweat from Murong Yan’s forehead and neck. Hearing this, she felt a rare twinge of awkwardness. “Your Highness may call Ming Qin whatever you wish.”

            

“Is that so?” Murong Yan found Ming Qin’s expression amusing. With a hint of wickedness, she added, “Then I grant you permission to call me Yanyan as well.”

Just as Ming Qin thought everything was taking a turn for the better, Murong Yan gritted her teeth in her embrace, her body suddenly vibrating with violent tremors once again.

Seeing Murong Yan about to reach for her right leg, Ming Qin hurriedly pulled the woman tighter against her, offering up her own shoulder for her to grip.

            

The woman’s manicured, rouge-dyed nails dug deeply into Ming Qin’s flesh. Instantly, beads of blood speckled her shoulder.

“It hurts. Ah Qin, it really hurts so much.” Murong Yan’s lips quivered, her eyes rimmed with red. “I can’t bear it. There’s obviously nothing there, but it still hurts so much.”

“I know, I know it all.” Completely disregarding the blood on her shoulder, Ming Qin simply patted Murong Yan, coaxing her in a low voice.

            

“Ah Qin, I can’t get used to this. It hurts too much.” Burying her head into Ming Qin’s neck, Murong Yan choked back a sob. “Ah Qin, I can’t get used to it.”

Suddenly, Ming Qin felt a dampness spread across her collar.

Ming Qin paused. She tightened her arms, holding the woman even closer, and murmured in her ear, “Yanyan doesn’t hurt. You’ll be better soon. Yanyan doesn’t hurt.”

            

The body in her arms spasmed, the muffled whimpers growing louder.

Feeling Murong Yan uncontrollably biting her own lip, Ming Qin reached up and pressed her thumb gently against her lower lip. She slipped her thumb between Murong Yan’s teeth, letting the woman bite down hard on it, while her remaining four fingers softly caressed her cheek.

“Yanyan is so good. It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t hurt. Don’t be afraid. It will stop hurting in a moment.”

            

Without realizing it, she nuzzled Murong Yan’s forehead with her lips. “I am right here with you, Yanyan. I am right here.”

Watching Murong Yan in such agony, the feeling of utter helplessness made her chest ache.

Anxiously waiting, Ming Qin had never felt such torment. All she could do was gently pat her back and murmur softly into her ear, hoping to ease her pain.

            

With every soft call from her lips, Murong Yan’s taut body seemed to actually listen, slowly beginning to relax.

After about a quarter-hour, Murong Yan went completely limp. Eyes closed, she panted weakly. Her damp forehead had stopped sweating and lay coldly against Ming Qin’s shoulder.

Gently swaying her body, Ming Qin helped wipe the traces of tears from the corners of her eyes.

            

Listening to Murong Yan’s increasingly shallow breathing, she prepared to lower the woman back down. Yet, Murong Yan’s hands clung tightly to her shoulders. Reluctant to use force, Ming Qin found that no matter how she tried to pry them away, the grip remained steadfast.

Left with no choice, Ming Qin pulled the quilt over them, wrapping them both inside, and reached out to lower the bed curtains.

Looking at Murong Yan’s sleeping face, perhaps the fatigue from her recently strained nerves had caught up to her, or perhaps the peaceful slumber of the woman in her arms had finally allowed her to breathe a sigh of relief. Before she knew it, Ming Qin’s hold on the woman tightened, and she began to doze off.

            

By the time Murong Yan woke up, the sky outside had long since darkened.

By the faint glow of the charcoal fire and the oil lamp, she looked up and saw Ming Qin dozing, her head nodding rhythmically.

Liar.

            

Murong Yan thought to herself.

Even being held, it still hurts.

What a massive liar.

            

Feeling the warmth beneath her and the arms holding her tight, Murong Yan guiltily traced the scratch marks on Ming Qin’s shoulder with her fingertips.

But… it does seem like no matter how much it hurts, I can endure it now.

Her phantom pain was a constant, recurring torment. Every year, the chill of winter would only aggravate her reactions; when an episode struck, she usually had to grit her teeth and endure the agony for several days on end.

            

Recalling her rare, deep slumber just moments ago, Murong Yan’s fingers moved upward to gently stroke the hair on Ming Qin’s forehead.

Just staying in her embrace, just hearing those soft murmurs by her ear—it had actually allowed her to escape that living nightmare so quickly.

It truly is a miracle.

            

At this thought, a beautiful smile blossomed on Murong Yan’s lips, and she slowly tilted her head back.

Regardless of whether you are a miracle destined for me, you were the one who barged in so unreasonably first.

Murong Yan shifted her body, wrapping her arms around Ming Qin’s back. Resting her chin on her shoulder, her breathing grew slightly hurried.

            

Now, you no longer have the chance to leave.

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The author has something to say:

Currently, the speculated cause of phantom limb pain is that after losing a limb, the nerves in the spinal cord and brain reorganize. This causes the nervous system to perceive the amputated area as abnormal, transmitting false pain signals to the brain.

            

There is currently no cure. It relies mainly on medication for relief, or using an MRI to map the brain followed by electrical stimulation of specific nerves. (The latter is not yet widely used and can be considered mostly in the experimental stage, but the principle is sound and holds promise.)

In short, it fucking hurts so much.

I actually felt my heart ache while writing this.

            

I hope medical science advances so that one day, no one in the world will have to suffer this kind of torment.

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