Alone, Beautifully – Chapter 160
by Little PandaA Story About Happiness (7)
“Want to be with you.”
Shen Yelan stood motionless, letting Xu Jiao hug her, finally only lowering her head slightly, smelling the faint, fading shower gel scent from Xu Jiao’s body, as if becoming lost in it.
Even knowing she was so ill that she couldn’t distinguish illusions from reality, she couldn’t bear to push this version of Xu Jiao away, probably because… even if this “Xu Jiao” was just an illusion, she was the gentlest one.
At least she was willing to embrace her.
Instead of disappearing at the slightest touch, like bubbles in a fairy tale.
Shen Yelan thought to herself with such self-deprecation [humility].
Xu Jiao, who was hugging her, received no response for a long time, and couldn’t help but look up to see Shen Yelan’s expression, noticing a slight, barely visible smile at her lips, but her eyes were lost in thought, making her heart skip a beat.
She wanted to remind Shen Yelan that the person standing before her was real, but when the words reached her throat, they got stuck there like a fishbone, unable to be spoken or swallowed, instead spreading a bitterness throughout her throat, slowly seeping into her flesh and blood.
Xu Jiao suddenly raised her hand, pressing Shen Yelan’s head onto her shoulder. Perhaps because the feeling of forehead against shoulder bone felt too real, Shen Yelan instinctively struggled slightly, her eyes gradually becoming clear, and then, as if belatedly realizing what had happened, her eyes widened slightly—
Just at that moment.
She heard Xu Jiao’s voice enter her ears:
“Shen Yelan, I just had a… not very good dream.”
The person being called hadn’t yet recovered from the hug, but hearing her words, instinctively shifted her attention to follow the content of those words, softly echoing: “What dream?”
Xu Jiao lowered her eyes, remained silent for quite a while, then finally spoke: “I dreamed that I was standing in front of you, but you couldn’t recognize me, and instead chased after a patch of empty air.”
Shen Yelan had originally planned to offer comfort no matter what nightmare content Xu Jiao described, as she really wasn’t used to Xu Jiao being suddenly so vulnerable, making her feel somewhat at a loss.
But after hearing this sentence—
She suddenly held her breath.
She even forgot what she had originally planned to say.
Xu Jiao’s attention had been completely focused on her, so naturally didn’t miss her reaction, immediately sighed inwardly, and then surprisingly took the initiative to move past this topic:
“Dreams and reality are opposites, right?”
Shen Yelan couldn’t help but slightly nod her head, but halfway through the motion, suddenly realized she had missed the main point. She froze there, moved her lips, and after a long while finally managed to say:
“Older Sister Jiao… do you care about this?”
Seeming not to want to let the other person avoid the question, Shen Yelan quickly added: “I thought Sister Xu Jiao didn’t really care about my matters.”
Hearing this, a hint of amusement flashed through Xu Jiao’s eyes.
In the past, hearing such words from Shen Yelan, she would either pretend not to understand, just smile and let it pass, allowing Shen Yelan to imagine whatever she wanted, or when in a better mood, for the sake of maintaining her blackening level, she would merely go through the motions with Shen Yelan.
But now, she wouldn’t do that anymore.
Xu Jiao looked straight into Shen Yelan’s eyes, and just as she was about to speak, remembering the current symptoms of the person before her, she actively reached out to grab Shen Yelan’s wrist, adding physical contact to help make her nearby presence feel real:
“Shen Yelan.”
“I’m human too, I also have happiness, anger, sorrow, joy, and things I’m afraid of.”
“If I truly didn’t care about you at all, I wouldn’t have agreed to do these intimate things with you, so similarly, if something bad happened to you, I wouldn’t want to see that either.”
This was the first time Shen Yelan heard such comforting words from Xu Jiao’s mouth.
Perhaps she had heard similar care before.
But this was the first time she so strongly felt the sincerity in Xu Jiao’s words – not like the previous gentle concern that could be spoken to anyone, not casual flirting, but words meant only for her.
For a moment, Shen Yelan truly wanted to become a nightmare creature and crawl into Xu Jiao’s dream to see exactly what kind of scene the other person had witnessed, to cause such a big change in attitude toward her after waking up.
She even felt a bit of secret joy creeping up from the bottom of her heart.
Even though this probably shouldn’t be happening.
Shen Yelan desperately told herself that at this moment she should comfort Xu Jiao, tell her that she wouldn’t become like that, after all she didn’t want to see Xu Jiao’s worried expression, but demon-like whispers kept appearing in her mind, tempting her over and over:
“While Xu Jiao is worried about you now, wouldn’t it be perfect to stabilize this uncertain relationship?”
“Taking advantage of weakness, exploiting someone’s vulnerable moment, Shen Yelan, this has always been your strong point, hasn’t it?”
“Hurry up, Shen Yelan.”
Her throat moved slightly.
Xu Jiao was also waiting for her reaction, her eyes filled with seriousness.
After quite a while—
Shen Yelan’s slightly hoarse voice reached Xu Jiao’s ears, neither loud nor soft:
“The caring that Sister Xu Jiao mentioned… is it like for ordinary classmates, for friends, or… for a girlfriend?”
Although she wasn’t speaking quickly, it didn’t prevent Xu Jiao from clearly distinguishing Shen Yelan’s emotions, with urgency hidden beneath every word, as if she wanted to scream and shout silently, yet suppressed it for various reasons.
Her heart twinged slightly.
Then, Xu Jiao replied with a sigh-like manner: “You are my girlfriend now, my caring for you is, of course, the kind of caring for a girlfriend.”
Shen Yelan got her answer, said nothing, just looked at her deeply.
Xu Jiao felt somewhat helpless at her persistent manner, but couldn’t bear to push her away, and could only summon great patience, smiling at Shen Yelan: “If you have any other doubts, ask them all at once, to prevent you from being… insecure like this.”
Shen Yelan’s eyelashes trembled slightly.
So she knew all along.
So all of her insecurity, fear, and dread had been seen by Xu Jiao all along, despite thinking she had hidden them well.
Shen Yelan indeed wanted to ask more, to ask what direction they would take after their seven-day romantic relationship ended, to ask if the other person was satisfied with her, but thinking that the answer’s end would either be complete happiness or falling-into-the-abyss despair, her previous forceful manner disappeared without a trace, and her whole person instead retreated into her shell like a turtle.
Finally, she just shook her head, showed a somewhat forced smile, and belatedly waved the meal box she was holding in her right hand at Xu Jiao:
“Nothing more to ask, it’s very late now, you must be hungry—”
But Xu Jiao wouldn’t let her avoid it.
Taking the bag containing the meal box from her hand and placing it on the table nearby, she looked at the person before her again, then said: “Shen Yelan, today is the seventh day.”
She remembered it too.
According to the time they had originally agreed upon, today was exactly the last day of their week-long relationship.
Hearing Xu Jiao mention this, Shen Yelan suddenly felt panicked. She had thought Xu Jiao had forgotten, but unexpectedly the other person had been keeping it in mind. Why would she remember it so clearly? Was she eager to get rid of her?
So that’s why she had just told her about having a dream, showing such unusual concern, because soon she wouldn’t need to be entangled with her anymore, and their relationship would return to that distant and unfamiliar state, right?
Shen Yelan didn’t want to hear anymore, without saying anything pressed down on Xu Jiao’s shoulders, leaned in to cover Xu Jiao’s lips, and amid the passionate entanglement of lips and teeth, her persistent voice came out in fragments:
“Today isn’t over yet…”
“It doesn’t… doesn’t count…”
Xu Jiao responded to her haltingly, wanting to push her away yet also wanting to argue something for herself. Finally having no other choice, she could only reach back to stroke the neck of the person before her, as if trying to make her pet behave, smoothing fur-like, movements extremely gentle.
When Shen Yelan was slightly less agitated, she caught her breath, then said unhurriedly: “What I meant to say was—”
“I think you’re quite good as a partner, would you like to consider changing from short-term to long-term, student Shen Yelan?”
Her eyes carried a misty smile.
Even her words were light and playful.
But Shen Yelan heard it and froze, staring blankly at Xu Jiao before her, as if unable to process what the other person had said.
Xu Jiao had no choice but to repeat it once more.
Shen Yelan finally understood this time.
However, her reaction once again deviated from Xu Jiao’s expectation: “Is it because of that dream you had?”
“Sister Xu Jiao is afraid I’ll become crazy, so out of sympathy, you’re making this proposal, right?”
At some point, they had kissed their way to the bedroom door, Xu Jiao was pressed against the wall by Shen Yelan, her back touching the cold wall, and seeing the exceptionally calm appearance of the girl before her, she was momentarily speechless.
Sympathy?
She had never been that kind of person.
Xu Jiao wanted to explain something, countless words rushed to her lips, but looking at Shen Yelan’s appearance of not believing at all that she liked her, Xu Jiao suddenly understood some truths.
Words are actually pale and powerless.
How she had acted all along had been seen by Shen Yelan, otherwise the other person wouldn’t be so desperate.
If she had given Shen Yelan a little chance from the beginning, perhaps the other person would have grasped it like a lifeline, after all, Shen Yelan loved her so much, how could she bear to let go?
“If I say that I suddenly realized I actually really like you, would you believe it?”
Xu Jiao looked into her eyes, asking seriously.
Shen Yelan didn’t make a sound.
Xu Jiao then laughed, raising her right index finger to point at the shoulder of the person in front of her: “I know you won’t believe it, seeing is believing, hearing is deceiving—”
“Give me a chance to prove it.”
“You don’t have to believe any character or syllable that comes from my mouth, but please feel with your heart, use your skin, use your senses, to experience what my feelings for you really are. If today isn’t enough, every day after, I will prove it to you.”
Xu Jiao’s fingertip slowly moved from Shen Yelan’s shoulder to her collarbone, after opening the other’s collar, continued moving downward.
Shen Yelan: “!”
She finally realized that tonight she couldn’t keep up at all with Xu Jiao’s act as quickly as wind turning to rain.
Instinctively grabbed the other’s fingertips.
Xu Jiao raised her eyebrows, but didn’t move away as the other wished.
Shen Yelan hesitated for a long while, but still asked for this seemingly impossible answer: “Sister Xu Jiao… what are you going to do?”
After all, Xu Jiao almost never showed intimacy with her, only giving and taking, always maintaining a lazy appearance.
However, Xu Jiao directly confirmed this most unlikely guess in her heart:
“Can’t you tell something this obvious?”
“I want to make love with you.”
The author has something to say:
Don’t worry! We’ll cure Xiaoshen’s illness! I swear! We’ll take it step by step!
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Please leave comments!
Our Jiaojiao is being the dominant one today too!
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Yes, JiaoJiao serve your wife well!