After Being Scummed – Chapter 33
by Little PandaTo avoid an end, you avoid all beginnings.
Zuo Jingyou processed it in her mind for several seconds and found that she seemed to have no reason to refuse. She gave a gentle smile and said to Yin Bai, “Mm, okay.”
Yin Bai’s eyes lit up at once. She cautiously extended her hand, passed it through the warm spring water, and pressed her fingertips against Zuo Jingyou’s abdomen, giving it a light poke.
The skin her fingertips touched was warm and smooth, with a hint of muscular firmness. Yin Bai couldn’t help but exclaim in admiration, “Teacher Zuo, your figure is really amazing!”
Yin Bai contentedly withdrew her hand, then pinched her own stomach and said ruefully, “Looks like I’ll have to start working out when I get back too.”
Zuo Jingyou smiled. “Okay, exercising more is good for your health.”
“Teacher Zuo, what kind of exercises do you usually do?”
“Just the routines from the fitness instructor, and things like fitness yogaโฆ”
Zuo Jingyou sat beside Yin Bai, soaking with her in the spring water, chatting about fitness for a while. Just then, Zhang Yu and Xiang Qiu, having changed their clothes, hurried over and saw the two of them close together, happily conversing.
In the steaming pool, the two were very close, only fifty centimeters apart. For someone like Yin Bai, who didn’t particularly like physical contact, this was an unimaginably intimate distance.
Perhaps it was the overly dense steam in the air, or maybe the magnificent snow-capped peaks visible outside the window, but in this atmosphere, Zhang Yu sensed an ambiguous romance.
Weirdโฆ Everything just feels weird.
Thinking this, Zhang Yu reached out and pulled back Xiang Qiu, who was about to walk forward, and whispered to her, “Let’s go find the kids to play with.”
Xiang Qiu turned her head, her eyes full of confusion as she looked at Zhang Yu. Zhang Yu gave her a look, signaling her to look at Zuo Jingyou and Yin Bai over there. When Xiang Qiu saw the two of them, realization dawned, and she said tactfully, “Understood.”
Soon, these two entered the pool and called the kids over to play on the other side. Only Yin Bai and Zuo Jingyou remained, hidden in the ambiguous, hazy steam, whispering softly to each other.
It was a wonderful trip. On the return flight, Zhang Yu had her laptop open, passing around photos from the trip for everyone to see.
Professor Sun had many photos taken of her at the ski resort. Zuo Jingyou happened to be sitting next to her and saw a picture of Professor Sun in her ski suit and goggles, looking vibrant in the snowy landscape. She smiled and said to Professor Sun, “Before, whenever I asked you to come out and travel, you were always unwilling, saying you didn’t want to move. See? Didn’t you have a great time on this trip?”
Professor Sun smiled, deeply moved. “Whether you have a good time or not depends on who you go with.”
Professor Sun reached out, placed her hand on the back of Zuo Jingyou’s, and said earnestly, “We had a good time on this trip because the companions were well-chosen. My girl, fate1 is a rare thingโฆ”
Hearing this, Zuo Jingyou subconsciously glanced at Yin Bai. Coincidentally, the sharp-eared Yin Bai also turned her head to look over. Their eyes met, and Yin Bai smiled at Professor Sun, saying, “Professor, do you mean you had a great time traveling with me?”
Professor Sun turned to look at her, smiling kindly. “Young people as enthusiastic as you are rare these days.”
Yin Bai clapped her hands and laughed. “That’s really great! If you’re free in the future, Professor Sun, let’s go out and have fun together again!”
“Singapore-Malaysia-Thailand2, the Northern Hemisphere, we’ll travel all over them!”
Professor Sun readily agreed, smiling as she told Yin Bai, “Alright, but next time, it’ll be my treat. You treat once, I treat once; reciprocity3 is what makes it appropriate.”
Yin Bai deeply agreed and said to Professor Sun with great anticipation, “Then I’ll be waiting for you to take me out next time, Professor.”
Zuo Jingyou watched the two of them interacting without regard for seniority, feeling deeply that Yin Bai was truly a magical person. It seemed that after this trip, everyone in her family, young or old, was going to become Yin Bai’s playmate.
This was trulyโฆ quite rare.
One had to know that before this, apart from students Professor Sun was particularly fond of, none of her relatives, whether close ones like He Zhiwen or Sun Mingrui’s husband, had received such obvious favor from Professor Sun.
Thinking of this, Zuo Jingyou couldn’t help but smile. This friendship needed to be nurtured wellโfive years, ten years, twenty yearsโฆ Perhaps in the future, when there were even younger children in the family, Yin Bai could become their friend despite the age gap.
After all, who wouldn’t like such a wonderful person?
After returning from Austria, the relationship between the two families became even closer. Yin Bai knew Professor Sun enjoyed classical music, so she gave her a selection from her own collection of vinyl records. As a return gift, Professor Sun also gave Yin Bai many books.
Professor Sun thought Yin Bai was very intelligent and one day suggested she pursue further studies, perhaps achieving notable theoretical academic accomplishments. Yin Bai said sheepishly, “I think I already have the ability to learn independently. Right now, just doing things I like is enough.”
Not everyone’s life has to be about pursuing some grand meaning. After experiencing so much, Yin Bai felt that simply being able to live this life happily was already a very precious thing.
Professor Sun felt it was a bit of a pity but respected Yin Bai’s chosen path and didn’t try to persuade her further.
Yin Bai recounted this conversation to Zuo Jingyou that night after her bath, as she lay in bed and Zuo Jingyou was preparing to rest after a busy day.
Yin Bai, still a bit shaken, patted her chest while on the phone, saying, “That scared me to death! I thought the Professor was going to drag me back to school.”
Zuo Jingyou, wrapped in her pajamas and sitting up in bed, lowered her eyes and chuckled softly. “Are you that scared? Actually, I also think you’re very smart, you know a lot, and you have plenty of free time. Why not try going back to school for a whileโฆ Campus life is very simple, and you might meet some nice young people?”
After all, from Zuo Jingyou’s observation, Yin Bai didn’t seem to have many friends. If there was a chance, she still hoped Yin Bai could expand her circle of friends.
Yin Bai held her phone and thought seriously for a moment, then said hesitantly, “I don’t really think I’d meet anyone niceโฆ For me, that kind of environment is too big.”
“Sometimes, I’d rather stay in my own little library than brush past all sorts of people.”
Zuo Jingyou detected a subtle change in her tone and asked, somewhat puzzled, “Why?”
Why? What other reason could there be? Of course, it’s because I’m afraid.
Yin Bai curled up, clutching her phone tightly. She paused, then said, “Don’t you thinkโฆ I’m strange?”
Zuo Jingyou was taken aback and subconsciously said, “How could you beโฆ”
Perhaps it was because late night was suitable for heart-to-heart talks. Yin Bai’s tone was melancholic as she decided to voice her hidden worries, “We’re friends. You understand me, we’ve had closer contact, so of course, you wouldn’t think I’m strange.”
“But to other people, I’m different from them. Because I’m a disabled person with an imperfect body. Even if I act very normal, my walking gait, the fact that I can’t participate in many group activitiesโฆ it makes them see me as someone special.”
“Even if I just casually pass by on the street, I attract the gazes of passersby.”
“And this kind of attention isn’t like what big stars like you getโfull of goodwill and adoration. It’s more of aโฆ gaze filled with morbid curiosity.”
“I have a clear understanding of my own appearance; I’m not an unattractive person. On the contrary, in the eyes of the general public, I’m considered very beautiful.”
Zuo Jingyou crossed her arms and nodded in strong agreement. “Yes, you are very beautiful. Among the many people I’ve met, I honestly can’t find anyone with more delicate features or a more outstanding appearance than you.”
Hearing Zuo Jingyou’s praise, Yin Bai’s lips curved into a smile. She raised a hand to rub her face, a little embarrassed. “Thank you for the compliment.”
Yin Bai paused, then continued, “But in contrast to my appearance, I’m not an able-bodied person. I’m a cripple. Although my right foot was saved and not amputated, it has lost most of its normal function. And the more outstanding my appearance, the more obvious my physical disability becomes.”
“Many people notice me because of my appearance, but when they see my right foot, their expressions always become complicated. Either curiosity, or sympathy, or pityโฆ It’s never a comfortable gazeโฆ”
Yin Bai turned over, lay on her back looking at the ceiling, and said softly, “I know I shouldn’t let others make me unhappy, but when I’m treated with such gazes, how can I not mind? I clearly feel I’m no different, even more outstanding, but many peopleโฆ insist on reminding me again and again that I’m disabled.”
“It’s just too hurtful.”
For example, during middle school, she used a wheelchair to attend classes. There were actually kids in her class who treated her well. But her overly beautiful appearance still inevitably made her a target of jealousy from her peers.
The malice of teenagers is often blatant and direct. Besides calling her “little cripple in a wheelchair” and “useless trash,” they would also maliciously tease anyone who liked her, saying, “You actually like a little cripple?”
In addition, her academic performance was excellent, and she knew many languages. Initially, whenever there was a competition, teachers would always push her forward. When introducing her to outsiders, they would always describe her as a “youth who is disabled but strong-willed,” or an “oral language prodigy who is disabled but strong-willed.”
Who wants to be “disabled but strong-willed”! Who wants to hear others repeatedly emphasize that they are disabled!
At that time, she felt she couldn’t stand up; even her perfectly fine left leg couldn’t support her to stand in this world! Why did these people have to so cruelly force her to face the truth?
No matter how optimistic she was, she couldn’t persevere in such an environment.
The last straw4 that broke her was her deskmate, who pushed her wheelchair to and from class every day. One day, behind her back, this deskmate argued with someone in the hallway, face flushed, “Who would like a cripple! If the teacher hadn’t asked me to take care of her, I wouldn’t bother with this nuisance!”
Thinking back now, it might have just been a case of a girl saying things she didn’t mean5, but the Yin Bai of that time was deeply devastated.
After that incident, Yin Bai transferred to a new school but never tried to make new friends again. She was like an evil dragon guarding an entire mountain of treasure, wary of everyone who approached, yet also adept at using her treasures to lure those who wanted to get close to the mountain.
This distorted outlook on life only gradually began to change after she became an adult and developed sufficient independent thinking skills.
Zuo Jingyou held her phone, listening to Yin Bai’s account, and remained silent for a long while. As someone who had grown up surrounded by love since childhood, she couldn’t truly empathize with someone who had faced such a difficult fate. But as a considerate and mature person, Zuo Jingyou could somewhat understand Yin Bai’s feelings.
Zuo Jingyou paused, then offered gentle comfort, “Even so, there will always be considerate people in the world full of love and kindness. Besides, everyone’s life path is just a single line. As for those shallow and ignorant people who only give you arrogant ‘kindness’ and pitying looks because of your appearance, just be magnanimous and forgive their ignorance.”
Zuo Jingyou pursed her lips, thought for a moment, and added, “Being unable to see past your appearance to truly know youโthat’s not your fault, it’s their loss.”
“Not forming a closer relationship with you, that means they don’t have that yuanfen (predestined relationship) with you. It’s their regret, not yours.”
“After all, if someone like you truly decides to build a relationship with someone, that person will be moved by your sincerity and purity, and they would never want to leave you in this lifetime.”
Yin Bai, lying prone on the bed, chuckled in spite of herself. She reached out, tugged at the embroidered logo on the corner of her pillow, and said with a smile, “You said before that Tongtong’s sweet talk6 was inherited from He Zhiwen. The way I see it, it was clearly inherited from you.”
Yin Bai muttered under her breath, “Saying whoever I build a relationship with won’t leave me. Didn’t Xiao Nian abandon me before?”
Zuo Jingyou choked for a moment, then said a bit awkwardly, “Love is something transient and splendid. This kind of emotion is like a spider’s silk in the early morning; it seems dense and unbreakable, but actually, a single dewdrop can pierce it and make it fall apart.”
Yin Bai sighed, her voice full of melancholy. “You’d better not talk to me about love. Xiao Nian never loved me at all.”
Zuo Jingyou let out a soft “Huh?” “Why would you say that? Judging from her past actions, I think Xiao Nian is the type who wouldn’t have been with you if she didn’t like you.”
Of course, it’s because there was a contract between us, dear!
Yin Bai couldn’t bring herself to admit that she was a wicked capitalist7 in her early twenties, so she answered vaguely, “For various reasonsโฆ But the fact that she didn’t love me, she said it herself. It was last year in the garden, when you saw meโฆ”
Yin Bai muttered a few more words under her breath, “I just don’t know if you heard it.”
Zuo Jingyou sighed softly and said to her gently, “Le langage est source de malentendus.”
“This is the inscription on your business card, ‘Language is the source of misunderstandings.'”
“How can you be so sure that what she said was definitely true, that she wasn’t deceiving you?”
Zuo Jingyou switched the phone to her other hand and called out softly, “Yin Baiโฆ”
“You should know, some things can only be seen clearly with the heart. Don’t mind what she said or what she did in the past. What is essential is invisible to the eye8.”
“Whether she loved you or not, can’t your heart feel it?”
Zuo Jingyou’s voice came through the receiver, like a nightingale’s whisper, stirring the heart. Yin Bai hugged her pillow, buried her face in it, and answered sullenly, “Then I’d rather she never loved meโฆ If I understood that she had loved me, and then fell in love with someone else, I would be even more heartbroken.”
“In this world, if even ‘love’ cannot be called eternal, then what can be eternal?” For a lonely evil dragon, this was truly frightening.
Zuo Jingyou paused, then sighed, “Yin Bai, when you say that, I feel a bit offended.”
Yin Bai froze for a moment, then sat up in bed, holding her phone and asking in confusion, “Eh? Why!” I don’t think I said anything too out of line, did I? How could Zuo Jingyou feel offended!
Zuo Jingyou sighed and said helplessly, “My ex-husbandโฆ that Mr. He who cheated during our marriage, didn’t he swear up and down that he would love me for a lifetime, only to fall in love with someone else?”
Ahโฆ so it’s about that.
Yin Bai raised her hand, touched the tip of her nose, and said sheepishly, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to poke your sore spot.”
Zuo Jingyou shook her head and chuckled softly. “It’s not really a sore spot anymore. I just want to tell you that ‘love’ is indeed as splendid as fireworks, something that can only last for a moment. But even so, ‘love’ can also be called something eternal.”
“To always love yourself, to be full of passion, full of yearning for the utmost goodness and beauty in humanity, and to never give up on embracing others. Never let your love be extinguished, no matter whatโthat is your eternity.”
“‘Love’ isโฆ something that doesn’t need to be given by others.” At most, it just needs a response from others.
Yin Bai thought for a moment, then gave a wry, bitter smile. “I think, in this respect, our views are really quite different.”
“I don’t think I have that kind of mindset, to never stop embracing others.”
“I’m still young, and my views are naive. I just want to guard my own piece of eternity.”
Yin Bai paused, then said with feigned casualness, “But speaking of romantic relationships, my life doesn’t really need any changes. I think I’m doing pretty well now. I have the kids (around me), good friendsโฆ as for a lover, just let that idea go with the wind.”
Zuo Jingyou couldn’t quite describe the feeling. She just lowered her gaze and once again called out softly, “Yin Baiโฆ”
Perhaps this is as the poems say: to avoid an ending, Yin Bai chose to avoid all beginnings.
She really, really loved Xiao Nian.
The author has something to say:
Current progress: Besties’ heart-to-heart talkโฆ
Feels like something’s not quite right.
As the saying goes, when an intimate relationship reaches a certain point, there needs to be a bit of change! Come on, let the subtle cracks begin to stir things up! (Not really) Ah, this is truly the most “healing” story I’ve written so far.
LP: Re-translated on May 31, 2025
Footnotes
- ็ผๅ | yuรกnfรจn | A complex concept in Chinese culture referring to the serendipitous and predetermined affinity or connection between people, often translated as โfate,โ โdestiny,โ โkarmic affinity,โ or โpredestined relationship.โ It implies that certain encounters and relationships are meant to be.
- ๆฐ้ฉฌๆณฐ | Xฤซn Mว Tร i | An abbreviation for Singapore (ๆฐๅ ๅก โ Xฤซnjiฤpล), Malaysia (้ฉฌๆฅ่ฅฟไบ โ Mวlรกixฤซyร ), and Thailand (ๆณฐๅฝ โ Tร iguรณ), a popular set of tourist destinations for Chinese travelers.
- ็คผๅฐๅพๆฅ | lวshร ngwวnglรกi | A Chinese idiom meaning โcourtesy demands reciprocityโ or โto return politeness for politeness.โ It emphasizes the importance of mutual give-and-take in relationships and social interactions.
- ๅๅฎ้ช้ฉผ็ๆๅไธๆ น็จป่ | yฤ kuว luรฒtuo de zuรฌhรฒu yฤซ gฤn dร ocวo | The full Chinese idiom is โthe last straw that breaks the camelโs back,โ which is identical in meaning to the English idiom โthe last straw.โ It refers to a seemingly minor final event that causes a collapse or failure after a series of difficulties.
- ๅฃไธๅฏนๅฟ | kวu bรน duรฌ xฤซn | An idiom meaning โmouth not matching the heart,โ i.e., saying something different from what one truly feels or thinks; insincere words.
- ่ฑ่จๅทง่ฏญ | huฤyรกnqiวoyว | An idiom meaning โflowery words and clever talk,โ โsweet talk,โ โflattery,โ or โdeceptive rhetoric.โ It often implies insincerity.
- ไธๆถ็่ตๆฌๅฎถ | wร nโรจ de zฤซbฤnjiฤ | Literally โten-thousand-evil capitalistโ or โthoroughly evil capitalist.โ Often used hyperbolically or humorously to describe someone perceived as exploitative or overly focused on profit, though here it might carry a self-deprecating tone from Yin Bai about her past actions/identity.
- Original phrase likely inspired by Antoine de Saint-Exupรฉryโs โThe Little Princeโ: โLโessentiel est invisible pour les yeux,โ meaning โWhat is essential is invisible to the eye.โ This quote is well-known and emphasizes seeing with the heart rather than just with sight.
I really like the title of this chapter
gosh what a beautiful chapter ๐ข๐ข
gosh what a beautiful chapter 😢😢