Senior Sister Chapter 4
Am I deserving of pursuing happiness? (Sharing the same dream)
Sure enough…
Beauty is always so illusory.
I’m not worthy.
Zi Yan regained consciousness, lowered her eyes, and staggered to get up from the warm embrace, avoiding the probing gaze of Song Shuqing. “Lord Song, you should leave.”
“Hey, are you kicking me out already?”
Without changing her expression, Song Shuqing casually turned her slightly numb arm and joked, “Not saving me a meal? How about going out for dinner together?”
“I can’t eat tonight…” Zi Yan skirted past the chaos on the floor, sat in front of the dressing mirror, and spoke in a dry tone.
Confused, the shadow guard raised an eyebrow and asked hesitantly, “Why not? It’s so late, aren’t you hungry?”
Ashamed to speak in front of Song Shuqing, Zi Yan swallowed nervously and explained haltingly, “Lord Jia… has particular tastes and can be rough. I can’t eat tonight.” She shifted her sitting posture.
“Otherwise, things would get messy.”
“You… What are you saying?” Song Shuqing gasped, her face turning pale. “No way? Are you… Are you okay?”
Forcing a smile, even in the reflection in the mirror, Zi Yan dared not look at the expression of the woman looking at her.
She was afraid, afraid of possibly seeing the disdain that would cut her to the core.
“I’m fine now. Since becoming the head, I only need… two days during a full moon each month because being less available increases my value.”
“No, what on earth? How about you?” Hurrying forward, Song Shuqing anxiously looked at the woman biting her lip. “I’m asking about your well-being. What does this have to do with two or five days?”
She knew about Zi Yan’s profession.
She also knew that Zi Yan needed to play the guqin for the guests, which meant being away from the room on several nights each month.
Out of respect and understanding boundaries, she never inquired but naturally interacted with Zi Yan as if they were ordinary friends.
She just didn’t know that Zi Yan had to comply with repulsive tastes…
Quietly controlling her breath, what she was used to, now became extremely hard to bring up in front of Song Shuqing. Zi Yan struggled to keep her voice calm. “I… I find it difficult to bear, but it’s okay, just half a year more, almost there, endure a little longer.”
(Originally translated on littlepandatranslations.com, let's go!)
“Endure?” Song Shuqing gritted her teeth and repeated in a low voice, “Endure what? It’s obviously excruciating…”
Clutching the wooden comb tightly, “Lord Song… I’ll be fine, please go back.” Zi Yan’s expression was stiff, only the slight tremble in her ending tone revealing her inner emotions. “Please go back today.”
“Please…”
The woman in front of the mirror never lifted her head, so she couldn’t see Song Shuqing’s expression throughout.
It wasn’t until much later, when she felt the window being opened the next second, that Zi Yan looked at her own empty and chaotic room.
Everything remains the same.
The only thing she cared about, a black cloak, lay crumpled and wrinkled near the guqin.
Just like her own fragmented and worthless heart.
The following day.
As the sun set, the beautiful courtesan painted herself with heavy makeup that didn’t suit her, sprinkled with scented powder as she descended the stairs. She saw the madam waiting at the door.
“Zi Yan, where did you find such an infatuated man?” The woman, in her fifties but still charming, smoked her pipe, looking incredulous. “He doesn’t seem like a nobleman, yet he’s willing to spend twice the amount for you than Lord Jia.”
“What?” Looking puzzled, the courtesan fanned herself, trying to recall possible candidates but with no clue.
“At least he looks quite delicate; I suppose you won’t suffer too much…”
The woman blew a smoke ring, patted Zi Yan’s shoulder, and then left.
Well, it didn’t matter who it was.
Just endure for two more days…
Taking a deep breath, trying to hypnotize herself, Zi Yan forced her still-painful heart to numbness, slowly opened the door, respectfully knelt down, “This humble one, Zi Yan, greets the gentleman.”
Turning to close the sliding door, with a sense of appointment, she bowed her head and quietly awaited the instructions from inside.
“My goodness, wearing this cloak in summer is way too hot.”
A disgruntled voice came from under the hood, shaking her head, Song Shuqing inside the room showed a slightly sweaty face, constantly fanning herself. “How can Ah Yun endure wearing this and going around like a hero of justice?”
“Song… Lord Song.” Zi Yan was utterly shocked to see the woman in front of her, casually swinging her legs.
“Oh! Zi Yan.”
Pulling out a few steamed buns from her robe, the shadow guard waved to the courtesan. “Don’t kneel, your legs must be numb. Are you hungry? Come, have something to eat.”
Watching the person in front of the door in a daze, Song Shuqing impatiently urged, “Hurry up, it’ll get cold if you don’t eat.”
Somewhat uncertainly getting up, Zi Yan took the steaming meat bun forcibly placed in her hand, as if frozen in place, she opened her mouth in astonishment. “Lord Song! How… how come you’re here?”
“Hmm? Is there a rule saying I can’t come?”
Seeing Zi Yan just holding the food without moving, Song Shuqing grasped her delicate wrist, forcibly stuffing the bun into the woman’s mouth with lipstick on it, then with a pained expression on her face, she said, “I had no idea Lord Jia bid so high and it’s for half a year. My meager savings are insufficient… Luckily, Qinqin and the others haven’t set off yet, so I borrowed some money from the princess…”
Although, that 『little money』 pretty much equated to selling off the remaining years of her own life…
“Darn it! That double-standard princess, what kind of relationship is that wanting ten percent interest from me… It’s fortunate Qinqin is around.”
With a face full of reluctance to recall, Song Shuqing rubbed her temples. “Of course, this isn’t charity, I’m not that kind-hearted. After your work here is done, you’ll have to work in the teahouse for six months, just basic wages, don’t even think about getting a bonus.”
“Let me tell you, the teahouse is busy now, not as leisurely as before, so don’t even think about slacking off!”
(If you're not reading on littlepandatranslations.com, it means this has been stolen)
Taking a steamed bun for herself as well, Song Shuqing deliberately avoided looking at the woman’s reddened eyes, casually flipping through the menu on the coffee table. “…So, I have to be with you for the next few days? You can order here, Chunfeng Tower is quite considerate. What would you like to eat tomorrow?”
As if trying to swallow the lump in her throat, Zi Yan forcefully swallowed the food in her mouth, then slowly spoke, “We can’t eat the things meant for customers…”
“Hey, it’s me, not someone else.” With a nonchalant expression, Song Shuqing chewed on the steamed bun in her mouth. “There’s no harm in eating with me, and eating alone is not enjoyable either. Is there something you wanted to eat but never got the chance to try before? It’s my first time here, so how about you recommend something to me?”
Staring blankly at the woman leaning on the table, it took a while before Zi Yan spoke up.
“Noodle soup…”
In a soft voice, “It looked… very delicious before…”
“Great, I also like noodle soup.” Nodding, Song Shuqing uncrossed her legs and stood up straight, scanning the layout of the entire room with her eyes.
Hmm, the bedframe, wooden table, bathtub, and some unsightly things that one wouldn’t even want to glance at – truly a collection of everything one might need…
Rising to close the screen, concealing the messy corner, Song Shuqing turned to look at the woman standing quietly on the side, gesturing with her hand, “Don’t be too constrained, do whatever you want.”
With that, she took off her outer robe, pulled out a book from her bundle, laid back on the bed supporting her head, and started flipping through the pages.
Watching the person in front of her so at ease, Zi Yan felt a sense of grandeur and subconsciously picked at her painted nails.
Then, in silence, the woman sat down at the bronze mirror, removing her intricate headdress and freshly applied rouge. Yet, this serene setting seemed to give her a feeling of being in a surreal dream.
It seems like the current tranquility is false, the feeling of fullness in the stomach is false, even the person flipping through the book on the bed is false.
She sat in front of the mirror for a long time, until darkness fell outside, Song Shuqing lit the oil lamp, scooped water to wash up, and only then did Zi Yan snap out of it.
“Are you tired?”
With a few water droplets still on her face, Song Shuqing walked towards the plain-faced courtesan, tilting her head and smiling gently. “I mean, don’t be upset for now, but I have to say, you look way better like this than earlier.”
Touching her own unadorned cheek, Zi Yan lowered her eyes. “Is that so…” In the dim light, she stood up and walked to the bedframe, taking off her elaborate outer garment, quietly standing to the side.
“Should I sleep outside? You know, professional habit.” Lifting the blanket and gesturing to the person in front of her wearing only a single layer of clothing, Song Shuqing removed the sharp hairpin from her head, casually placing it at the bedhead. “I think I sleep pretty well… maybe?”
“It’s okay, it’s all good.” Feeling a bit uneasy inside, Zi Yan cautiously climbed into the bed, lying down in a corner.
“That’s good.” Lying beside the woman, Song Shuqing tossed the blanket over her and then complained slightly, “Come closer, I can’t cover you if you’re far.”
Reaching out to pull Zi Yan’s waist closer, no longer letting her lean against the cold wall, “Don’t worry, I won’t crush you.” After ensuring that the woman had enough space, Song Shuqing withdrew her arm and placed it comfortably on her side. “Go to sleep, I’m really tired today.”
“Good night ah.”
“…Good night.”
After the time it takes to burn a stick of incense, Zi Yan opened her eyes in the darkness, carefully turning over.
Looking at the person beside her, eyes tightly closed, chest rising and falling rhythmically and steadily, she exhaled softly, mustering up the courage to examine the face she had never dared to openly scrutinize.
Song Shuqing had a profound appearance, with large eyes and a high nose bridge, unlike women from the Central Plains who were gentle as water, she resembled more a gorgeous exotic fire.
However, this dominant appearance was always concealed by her usual carefree demeanor, looking mischievous when she smiled. It was only when she pursed her lips that her silent face revealed an unfathomable depth of planning and foresight.
As she gazed at the tranquil sleeping face, Zi Yan unconsciously reached out and touched Song Shuqing’s lips. Afraid of waking her, she barely brushed them as light as a falling feather, almost imperceptibly.
So warm…
Truly, so warm…
In the darkness, the courtesan still couldn’t be certain, as if she was confirming something as she traced downwards along her jawline, until her fingers met the outstretched five fingers. With great caution, she delicately intertwined her fingers with them, feeling an inexplicable sense of reality.
(Support me at littlepandatranslations.com)
This was the first time.
The first time in this room, where she could relax, without a care in the world.
No need to fear cruel blows, being rudely awakened in the middle of the night, or encountering the belligerent, alcohol-fueled visage.
There’s nothing to worry about.
Even though she had mentally prepared herself long ago, understanding that she shouldn’t harbor any grievances towards any encounters and shouldn’t entertain other delusions…
However, what’s the reason behind the overflowing anticipation from the depths of her heart and this unstoppable excitement?
Feeling the person lying beside her, Zi Yan questioned herself.
Am I worthy?
Am I worthy of pursuing happiness?
Clearly just a fallen woman in the dust, what right do I have to desire such noble and gentle love.
What right do I have to seek affection beyond pity?
Her body trembled lightly, immersed in endless self-doubt, almost breathless.
Fearful of waking the person beside her, Zi Yan forced herself to hold her breath, gently stretching out her fingertips, trying to leave the warmth that she longed for.
However, the next moment, she heard a low murmur, as if in a dream. Song Shuqing, who had been motionless, turned over and tightly grasped her hand, pulling the woman closer to her, gently embracing Zi Yan under the blanket.
With the shadow guard’s breath mingling on the neck of the courtesan, Zi Yan felt the temperature and faint tea fragrance emanating from the person in front of her, causing her body to stiffen.
As if unconsciously, Song Shuqing patted the woman’s slender back as if in reassurance, before once again falling into a deep slumber.
But as she felt her neckline becoming damp, the shadow guard in the darkness suddenly opened her eyes, seeing clearly in the dim light.
The woman in her embrace tugged at Song Shuqing’s sleeve, the silent night only filled with her restrained sobbing.
Song Shuqing, who had not fallen asleep, remained motionless, allowing the courtesan in her arms to release the emotions she had suppressed, silently and faithfully accompanying her, spending this somewhat lengthy night together.
The author has something to say:
Thank you all for being willing to read up to this point, supporting this story. Wishing everyone a happy weekend!
LP: Re-translated on April 23, 2024