STT – Chapter 76

May there be no past to look back on, but only deep affection to share for the rest of our lives.

That night, while Lu Zizheng was still on her way back from the hospital, Jiang Huaichuan called to tell her that he was already on his way to the airport. He said he could see that his sister was still worried about Lu Zizheng’s injury, so he wanted to come and check on her first. Additionally, he had some things he urgently wanted to tell Lu Zizheng before she met with Jiang Huaixi.

Shortly after eleven o’clock at night, Lu Zizheng’s doorbell rang. Jiang Huaichuan had already rushed over, looking travel-worn.

When she opened the door, Jiang Huaichuan noticed that Lu Zizheng’s eyes and nose were red, clearly indicating that she had been crying hard.

Feeling guilty, he lowered his head and sincerely said, “Sister Zizheng, I’m sorry.”

Lu Zizheng turned to enter the house, her voice still thick with nasal congestion but her tone indifferent: “Huaichuan, if anyone should say those words, it should be Huaixi herself to me.” As she spoke, she still went to pour a cup of hot water for Jiang Huaichuan: “It’s cool here at night, and the wind is strong. Don’t catch a cold.”

Jiang Huaichuan stared intently at Lu Zizheng’s bandaged hand. Lu Zizheng, seemingly aware of his gaze, said indifferently, “I’m fine. It’s just a small wound on the web of my thumb. Nothing serious.”

Jiang Huaichuan carefully examined Lu Zizheng and, indeed, saw no other visible major injuries. Only then did he fully relax. He took the water, sat down on the living room sofa, and apologetically said, “This apology is on behalf of myself, and also my parents. We’re sorry for helping my sister keep this from you.”

Lu Zizheng, her eyes still red, just looked at him silently with a weary expression, saying nothing.

Jiang Huaichuan took a sip of water, rubbed his hands together, and mustered up the courage to say those difficult words of explanation and plea on behalf of Jiang Huaixi.

A mistake is a mistake, and an apology is an apology. Jiang Huaichuan knew Jiang Huaixi too well; she wasn’t someone who would shirk responsibility or defend herself. If it were Jiang Huaixi here, no matter how Lu Zizheng accused or even misunderstood her, she definitely wouldn’t speak up in her own defense. She would only take all the blame upon herself, reproaching herself for the concealment from beginning to end, blaming herself for being selfish and holding Lu Zizheng back.

He also admitted that what Jiang Huaixi did was indeed wrong and unfair, and she owed Lu Zizheng an apology. However, he also knew that Jiang Huaixi’s original intention was never to hurt Lu Zizheng. It’s just that sometimes, telling one lie requires a hundred more to cover it up, and the longer something is concealed, the harder it becomes to reveal. The development of the situation had exceeded all of their expectations. He knew that Lu Zizheng had the right to criticize Jiang Huaixi, even to angrily leave her, but he still wanted to plead for his poor sister, even if it might seem somewhat unreasonable and shameless.

He started from Jiang Huaixi’s initial congenital heart disease, up to her current pleurisy that was difficult to treat and slow to heal. He told Lu Zizheng that when medical science was less advanced, Jiang Huaixi had been told she wouldn’t live past twenty. Later, as medicine progressed, Jiang Huaixi’s surgery was successful, but she was still predicted not to live past fifty. She had always been living day by day, accepting her fate, but since meeting Lu Zizheng, she began to have the will to fight against destiny.

He said, “My sister meeting you was the most beautiful accident in her life. She always thought that as long as she could stay by your side and protect you, watching you be happy from afar would be enough, even if that happiness wasn’t given by her. But in the end, she couldn’t resist the temptation and got together with you. This was the most selfish decision of her life.”

Lu Zizheng lowered her head, her eyes rimmed red. Hearing those predictions of twenty years, fifty years, she felt as if her heart was being mercilessly tortured by a sharp knife. Scenes from the past flashed before her eyes. She recalled those years of subtle ambiguity, Jiang Huaixi’s well-measured evasions, the heartless rejection when she had mustered the courage to confess her feelings, and the tears that had slid from Jiang Huaixi’s eyes during their first intimate moment in Ji’an. She suddenly understood the reason for Jiang Huaixi’s constant distance, which she had never been able to comprehend before. She also seemed to understand what Mother Jiang had once referred to as Jiang Huaixi’s “heart knot.”

She could almost see Jiang Huaixi’s slightly melancholic and aloof face in her memories – the face of someone who had struggled to stay away from her, yet ultimately could only watch herself fall helplessly in love.

She further recalled and understood why Jiang Huaixi never attended physical education classes. She understood why, after fainting in that PE class years ago, she had woken up in the hospital bed to see Jiang Huaixi with purple lips. She understood why Jiang Huaixi’s physical stamina was so poor. She understood what Jiang Huaixi had been enduring alone behind her meticulous care and attention for Lu Zizheng herself.

At that moment, she nearly burst into tears. With a choked voice, she asked Jiang Huaichuan, “Why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t she say anything to me?” Didn’t she know how much it pained her to see Jiang Huaixi act as if nothing was wrong? Didn’t she know how much she regretted wasting so much precious time? Didn’t she know how frustrated she felt that she couldn’t be by Jiang Huaixi’s side during so many difficult and helpless moments, to support and accompany her?

Jiang Huaichuan’s voice was also somewhat hoarse as he said, “At first, when you were just friends, she felt there was no need to tell you. Later, when you got together, you had just gone through major changes, and she couldn’t bear to tell you. She couldn’t bear to make you face another loss, couldn’t bear for you to live in constant anxiety after knowing, fearing you wouldn’t be able to handle it. And now, she just wanted to wait until her condition improved a bit, when the timing was better, to tell you.” He paused, then added with a bitter smile, “But if you were to ask my sister this question, she would only answer, ‘I’m sorry I lied to you. No matter what the reason, you have the right not to forgive me.'”

He pleaded with Lu Zizheng, “She’s a fool. In front of you, she won’t say a single word to excuse herself. She’s made many mistakes, and all the blame is on her, but Sister Zizheng, her love for you isn’t wrong. No matter what, please forgive her, okay? Please, don’t leave her, alright? Although she might truly not be able to grow old with you, I dare say that in this world, there’s definitely no one who loves you more than she does. She really, really can’t lose you.”

Lu Zizheng sobbed and scolded, “She’s not just a fool, she’s also a jerk. And so are you, Huaichuan. Do you know, Huaichuan, all the reasons you mentioned are correct, but there’s one most important reason you didn’t mention.”

Jiang Huaichuan stared at Lu Zizheng in confusion.

Lu Zizheng smiled bitterly through her tears and said, “She, like you, doesn’t trust me enough.”

Jiang Huaichuan didn’t believe in her love for Jiang Huaixi, fearing she would despise Jiang Huaixi’s physical condition, fearing she wouldn’t forgive Jiang Huaixi’s concealment and deception, fearing she would leave – this was where Jiang Huaichuan was being a fool and a jerk. As for Jiang Huaixi, Lu Zizheng knew that she must believe that even if Lu Zizheng learned the truth, she wouldn’t despise or leave her because of it. But where Jiang Huaixi was being a fool and a jerk was that while she trusted Lu Zizheng’s love for her enough, she didn’t trust Lu Zizheng’s determination as her partner to weather storms together. She feared that Lu Zizheng wouldn’t be able to bear it, that she would break down.

She was Jiang Huaixi’s equal partner, capable of fighting side by side and supporting each other, not a fledgling bird to be protected under Jiang Huaixi’s wings. She could also hold up the sky for Jiang Huaixi, shield her from wind and rain, just as Jiang Huaixi had always done for her.

However, Jiang Huaixi had never given her this kind of trust, never given her the right as a lover to care for, protect, and share all the pain.

Jiang Huaixi had always not trusted her enough, always presumptively keeping her in what she thought was an absolutely safe zone.

Lost in thought, she wiped away her tears, and with red eyes, gritted her teeth and said to Jiang Huaichuan, “Huaichuan, when we return to Linzhou tomorrow morning, please take me to Hengshan first. This time, if she still doesn’t understand, I really won’t forgive her ever again.”

Jiang Huaichuan stared in bewilderment and asked confusedly, “Sister Zizheng, you…” He remembered his sister saying that Lu Zizheng was afraid of heights and avoided all high mountains, while Hengshan was a famously steep and treacherous mountain, especially the terrifying suspended wooden plank path on the mountain.

Lu Zizheng said firmly, “There are some things I want to tell Jiang Huaixi. When the time comes, I’ll need you to make some preparations.”

The next day, through Jiang Huaichuan’s connections, Lu Zizheng changed her flight to an earlier one returning to Linzhou in the morning. After breakfast, she and Jiang Huaichuan were ready to leave for the airport with their simple luggage.

Lian Xuan had somehow already been waiting at the door early. Seeing Lu Zizheng coming out, she raised a faint smile and greeted, “Are you heading to the airport?”

Lu Zizheng nodded gently.

Lian Xuan stepped forward, stopping in front of Lu Zizheng. She brought out the hand she had been hiding behind her back, and a beautifully wrapped, cute gift bag appeared before Lu Zizheng’s eyes. Lian Xuan smiled, her eyes curving and dimples showing slightly, and said, “Consider it a farewell gift.” She blinked and continued smiling, “I’ll help you get the voice recorder back, don’t worry. There’s nothing else, so I won’t hold you up. I wish you all the best.”

Lu Zizheng accepted the gift with both hands, looked at her deeply, and with a slight curl of her lips and sincere eyes, she solemnly said to her, “Yes, thank you. I also wish you all the best in your days ahead. Be the truest version of yourself that you want to be.”

Lian Xuan nodded, watching Lu Zizheng leave with a smile, her voice full of gentle warmth: “Yes, goodbye. Until we meet again.”

Long after Lu Zizheng’s figure had disappeared, Lian Xuan wiped away the tears that had unknowingly spilled onto her cheeks and turned to leave.

On the plane, Lu Zizheng opened the bag. Inside was a small, exquisitely hand-drawn manga book. The cover showed two long-haired girls lying in the snow on a cold night, watching fireworks. The title of the manga was “About My Love for You.”

For a moment, Lu Zizheng’s hand trembled slightly, her heart stirred.

In the manga, the protagonist was a girl with sweet dimples. Having just returned from England, on her first day after transferring schools, she discovered a beautiful and unique girl sitting next to her. That girl hardly ever left her seat during breaks and almost no classmates spoke to her. The girl looked silently sorrowful. As time passed, she found herself becoming increasingly concerned and curious about the girl next door. During class, she often unconsciously turned her head to look at her. Privately, she even couldn’t help asking other classmates about that girl. However, when she heard unfavorable things about the girl from others, she was unwilling to believe any of it.

She decided to believe only what she saw and felt herself. So, she wanted to understand this girl who intrigued her.

Thus, she carefully thought about how to approach the girl, seizing every opportunity she could: giving the girl needed test papers; quietly helping carry one of the two garbage bins when the girl was doing duty alone and couldn’t finish before the morning reading bell; she even deliberately stayed at school for lunch, creating chance after chance to “accidentally” have lunch with the girl…

So, because of that girl, she learned for the first time what it meant for her heart to skip a beat. When she couldn’t help but secretly keep the love letters boys asked her to pass to the girl, time and time again, she also understood for the first time what it meant to be jealous. When she first kissed the girl’s lips, she finally understood what the sweetness of love meant.

The girl gave her so much joy and happiness, but in the end, due to her own selfishness and cowardice, she repaid kindness with ingratitude, leaving the girl with nothing but a broken heart.

Many years later, she encountered that girl again and realized that she had never truly let her go all these years. So, she wanted to be brave for once. She insisted on breaking off her engagement to gain her freedom, but was placed under house arrest by her grandfather, thus missing the moment when the girl needed her most. She had a huge argument with her friend of many years, crying and making a scene without regard for her dignity, finally gaining her friend’s sudden realization and change of heart, who then informed her of the harm done to the girl behind her back. With great difficulty, she and the girl finally reconciled their past grievances, only to find that the girl seemed to have changed… But no matter what, she still wanted to try again…

At the end of the manga, on the night before the girl was to leave, she took her to see a sand sculpture exhibition. On the Titanic sculpture, she embraced the girl from behind. The girl smiled and spread her arms, striking that classic pose. She leaned close to the girl and asked, “Stay. Can we start over?”

The girl turned her head, looked at her deeply, and agreed, “Okay…”

Lu Zizheng saw that above this “Okay,” there was a large tear stain, blurring the handwriting.

Lu Zizheng pressed her lips tightly together and slowly turned the page. On the next page was Lian Xuan’s graceful handwriting, which read: “Zizheng, I started drawing this after I promised you in Japan that I would prove myself to you. I originally thought I could give it to you as a surprise when you agreed to start over with me. But unexpectedly, it’s not bad as a final parting gift either.

Whether it’s the fluttering of the heart or heartbreak, sweetness or bitterness, all of these are unique treasures you’ve given me, which I will cherish for a lifetime. So, thank you.

What follows is the true ending of the story. I hope you like it.”

Lu Zizheng’s eyes became slightly moist. She sniffled before gently turning to the next page.

At the end of the manga, the dimpled girl woke up in bed, only to realize that the so-called “starting over” was just a beautiful dream. The day she woke up was the wedding day of the girl she liked and her true love, another beautiful girl with long black hair. At the wedding venue, the two brides shared a sweet kiss amidst the sincere blessings of the crowd. She sat in the audience, her eyes filled with a smiling expression, devoutly blessing that girl: “Zizheng, I wish you happiness.”

At the end, Lian Xuan wrote:

May there be no past to look back on, but only deep affection to share for the rest of our lives.

Zizheng, I wish you and Huaixi a lifetime of happiness, never to part until your hair turns white.

Lu Zizheng closed the manga book, unable to stop a tear from sliding down the corner of her eye. She gently wiped it away and turned her head to look out the window. This was the first time she dared to look down while sitting on an airplane. She saw the plane pass over one patch of clouds after another, over one stretch of scenery after another, past one mountain after another.

She couldn’t help but close her eyes, afraid to look anymore, but in her mind, Jiang Huaixi’s beautiful face slowly appeared – proud, mischievous, helpless, gentle… She opened her eyes again, turned her head to look down at the earth below, and in her heart, carefully answered Lian Xuan word by word: “We certainly will be, and you must find happiness too.”

LP: Re-translated on October 20, 2024