Ambiguous
Like a fish trapped on the chopping board
“How about accompanying me to bed?”
If you count carefully, Jian Qing has suggested staying the night more than five times. Each time, Lu Yinxi refused, and nothing happened.
Lu Yinxi went from initially resisting and cursing, to now being accustomed to it; these words became like the wind passing by her ears.
She let out a sound: “Ribbit.”
Jian Qing, not understanding, turned her head and looked at her with a gaze meant for a fool.
Lu Yinxi smiled gently and explained: “I’m like a frog being boiled in warm water.”
Jian Qing understood her implication, looked at her smile, let go of her hand, reached towards her face, traced the arc of her eyebrow lightly with her fingertip, and said: “Goodnight.”
No longer insisting on staying the night.
Lu Yinxing stood at her bedroom door and softly replied: “Goodnight.”
The next day was Lu Yinxi’s last day of internship at the hospital, and Director Yan’s pathology report also came out.
The original pathology report from the First Affiliated Hospital was supposed to take a week to come out, but the hospital staff naturally had a fast track. The report wasn’t even finalized on the computer when the head of the pathology department made a call to Jian Qing: “Nasopharyngeal squamous cell carcinoma, pulmonary adenocarcinoma…”
If the lesion in the lung was metastatic cancer, then the lung should also show squamous cell carcinoma. If not, it indicates that the lung cancer is primary.
Jian Qing found Aunt Xu to talk: “It’s double primary cancer. Nasopharyngeal cancer is more sensitive to radiotherapy and needs to be transferred to the radiotherapy department for treatment. The lung lesion can be surgically removed. The day after tomorrow, we will also arrange a multidisciplinary consultation, and you can join us.”
Aunt Yan said: “Old Yan has worked at the First Affiliated Hospital for over twenty years. He trusts you all, and so do I. We’ll follow the doctors’ arrangements. I’ll cooperate with whatever is needed.”
They say long illness makes a doctor. In just two or three days, Aunt Xu, Director Yan’s wife, had already learned to converse with the doctors, discussing TNM staging, biopsies, and chemoradiotherapy fluently.
A few days ago, she was still the wife who was beating her husband and crying in public. Now, although her eyes were still red and swollen, she was like many family members of cancer patients, forced to learn and absorb oncology knowledge to understand the disease thoroughly for the sake of her loved one.
Some old patients or family members of patients, during rounds, would smile and give tips when medical students hesitated and couldn’t answer questions.
In the doctor-patient relationship, sometimes the family member acts as a bridge of communication. When the patient is unconscious, bedridden, or facing emergency treatment, having a clear-headed, calm, and articulate family member is not only a blessing for the patient but also for the doctor.
On the last day of her internship, at noon, Lu Yinxi and Jian Qing brought fruit to visit Yan Miaomiao, who was hospitalized in the hepatopancreatobiliary surgery department.1
Yan Miaomiao was sitting on the hospital bed with a small desk propped up, typing away on her keyboard, working on her thesis.
Jian Qing pulled up a stool and sat down: “Don’t overwork yourself.”
Yan Miaomiao sighed: “The research department people call me every day, urging me. They said it should have been submitted to the Health Commission last month, and I’ve delayed it for more than half a month.”
Lu Yinxi leaned over to take a look. It was a project on tertiary care and the referral system between different levels of hospitals.
Yan Miaomiao pinched Lu Yinxi’s cheek: “What brought you two here today?”
Lu Yinxi grimaced: “My internship is ending.”
“The big star is going back to filming? Remember to introduce me to some of the handsome young guys from your circle.”
Jian Qing shot a cold glance: “With your build, how many can you handle?”
Yan Miaomiao responded boldly: “Thirty at once wouldn’t be a problem!”
As the conversation veered into a strange direction, Lu Yinxi rubbed her cheek and said: “No young guys, they’re all middle-aged. But I can introduce you to some ladies. Our crew has more women than men.”
Yan Miaomiao replied: “Gender is not an issue.”
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The three of them sat together, chatted for a while about Director Yan’s situation and hospital matters, and then said their goodbyes and returned to the office to rest.
In the office, Wei Mingming and Zhang Yue were whispering about Director Chen and Director Yan.
Normally, these two directors were like fire and water, never seeing eye to eye. But this time, with Director Yan hospitalized, Director Chen not only donated money but also put in effort, initiating an internal fundraising campaign. Yesterday, when Director Chen visited Director Yan, he even joked: “You’re just too stubborn. I’ve told you before, harmony brings wealth! Contentment brings happiness! Look at you, always getting angry, and now you’re sick because of it, right?”
Zhang Yue rubbed his nose and said: “Honestly, students want a teacher like Professor Yan who stands up for justice. But we doctors prefer someone like Director Chen. When you walk by the river often, your feet are bound to get wet.2 If those above us are a bit more lenient, we below can breathe easier, without worrying about making mistakes.”
Jian Qing walked in and knocked on his head with a pen: “Just focus on teaching properly, and you’ll have nothing to worry about.”
Clearly, she did not agree with his opinion.
Wei Mingming flattered: “My boss is right!”
Zhang Yue rubbed his head, scoffed, and asked Lu Yinxi: “What do you think, Xiaolu?”
Lu Yinxi pulled up a chair and sat down, openly siding with Jian Qing: “Teacher Jian is right.”
Zhang Yue took a cake out of the small fridge: “If you’re going to be so biased towards your sister, then Brother Zhang’s cake is wasted on you, huh?”
Wei Mingming scolded him: “Shameless! It was our group that pooled money to buy that 6-inch cake! How can you claim it as your personal gesture?”
The two of them bickered back and forth, while Jian Qing washed her hands and began cutting the cake. She asked Lu Yinxi: “Do you want to blow out the candles?”
Lu Yinxi hadn’t expected such a warm gesture. She clasped her hands together in gratitude and said: “It’s not my birthday, so I won’t blow the candles. But I want to say thank you—”
“Not listening.” Jian Qing directly interrupted her farewell speech.
Lu Yinxi slapped her forehead and laughed at herself: “Occupational habit.”
In the past, whenever she went on stage to receive an award or when a film crew disbanded, she would always give a farewell speech to thank everyone.
Jian Qing didn’t care for such formalities. She just wanted Lu Yinxi to honestly eat the cake she had handed over.
While eating, Lu Yinxi asked Jian Qing: “When is your birthday?”
Jian Qing replied: “November 21st.”
Lu Yinxi made a sound of acknowledgment, feeling a little joy inside: “Mine is October 21st, exactly one month apart.”
When you like someone, you always try to find coincidences and similarities to convince yourself that you are a good match.
In the hospital, there were always a lot of people coming and going. Interns came wave after wave, and the staff couldn’t remember too many names. They got used to calling people: “girl,” “buddy,” “sister,” “what’s-your-name.” Thanks to her striking appearance and diligent running around, Lu Yinxi made sure everyone remembered her. The whole afternoon, familiar faces and strangers alike came over to say a few farewell and take-care words.
If no one had said anything, it would have been fine, but once they did, the heavy atmosphere of parting was palpable.
After work in the evening, Lu Yinxi even received an anonymous love letter.
Jian Qing mocked coldly: “What era is this, still writing love letters?”
Lu Yinxi, with her back to Jian Qing, opened the letter. It was unsigned, simply stating that the writer was a girl who knew there was no future between them but wanted to express her admiration and thank Lu Yinxi for her comfort and encouragement at that time.
“I’ve comforted and encouraged quite a few people… Whose handwriting is this?” She had no impression at all.
Jian Qing stretched out her arm, pretending to snatch it.
Lu Yinxi dodged her, refusing to let her see it. She folded the letter and explained: “The girl wrote it anonymously because she didn’t want me to know her name. She secretly put it in my bag, so she certainly didn’t want anyone else to know the contents. I won’t let you see it.”
Jian Qing gave her a cold sideways glance: “I don’t care to see it.”
After work, on the way back home, Jian Qing didn’t say a single word. No matter how much Lu Yinxi tried to amuse her, she maintained that cold expression.
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At night, after packing her luggage, Lu Yinxi, as usual, went to the study to keep her company.
Jian Qing still wanted to keep her cold demeanor, but Lu Yinxi tugged at her sleeve and said: “It’s the last night. Tomorrow afternoon, I have to report to the film crew.”
Please don’t ignore me.
Jian Qing was silent for a moment, then asked: “Have you packed everything?”
“Yes, everything’s packed.”
“Make sure to lock the doors and windows when you sleep.”
“Mm, I’ll say goodnight to you every day.”
“Do you have any holidays?”
“No, once the filming starts, money burns like water, we can’t afford to stop.”
“Do you still have enough money?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Tomorrow afternoon, I’ll apply for leave to see you off.”
“Okay.”
Jian Qing fell silent again.
The feelings of leaving and seeing someone off are entirely different.
The person who is leaving has unknowns to explore and new, unfamiliar things to encounter; the one seeing them off remains in the same place, holding on to their shared memories.
Lu Yinxi said: “I’ll help you finish the courseware from last night. Next time you teach the elective course, I’ll come and listen.”
Jian Qing replied: “Alright.”
By the time they finished the courseware, it was already eleven o’clock at night.
Lu Yinxi went to the living room and poured herself half a cup of warm water. Jian Qing stood at the bedroom door, watching her, as if waiting for her goodnight.
After drinking the water, Lu Yinxi walked over and softly said goodbye: “Goodnight, Teacher Jian.”
Jian Qing replied coolly: “Goodnight.”
Despite saying goodnight, neither of them moved.
They stood facing each other, their eyes reflecting each other’s faces, hazy and indistinct, with words unspoken.
Reluctant to leave, Lu Yinxi racked her brain, trying to find a topic to prolong the moment.
She thought of many things: the time before last, when she hesitated outside the door, wanting to give a starry night lamp; the last time, when she stood outside the door, wanting to knock and explain but too afraid to; and just the night before, the kiss on her forehead, cool and soft, making her heart race, something she infinitely cherished.
She thought of many things but could say very few.
She quietly looked at Jian Qing.
Jian Qing’s expression was no longer as cold as when they first met, yet it still held a certain indifference, marked by a natural sense of detachment.
They stared at each other in silence, the air thick with unspoken tension. Gradually, Jian Qing’s gaze seemed to have hooks, and Lu Yinxi found herself unable to look away.
It was as if she was bewitched by a fairy; whatever Jian Qing wanted, she was willing to give.
Even if Jian Qing wanted the stars from the sky at that moment, she would find a way to get them for her.
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Jian Qing looked directly at Lu Yinxi, reaching behind her to unlock and push open the door. She pulled Lu Yinxi inside.
Lu Yinxi stumbled a step as she entered, taking in the sight of Jian Qing’s bedroom.
The room was dark, with no lights turned on.
A cool, soft touch wrapped around her left wrist. Lu Yinxi looked down at her arm.
Jian Qing’s right hand grasped her wrist and then slowly rotated her palm as a pivot, interlocking their fingers tightly.
Lu Yinxi looked up at Jian Qing.
In the half-light, Jian Qing’s expression was unreadable. She took a step closer, and Lu Yinxi instinctively stepped back, her back pressing against the open door. Her left hand was lifted and pinned beside her head.
A wave of fresh, clear fragrance enveloped her, and Jian Qing’s body pressed closer, her intense gaze making Lu Yinxi blush and her heart race.
Pinned against the door, Lu Yinxi felt like a fish trapped on a chopping board, unable to move.
Jian Qing leaned in, pressing against her, their noses touching lightly. The unfamiliar, warm breath sprayed across Lu Yinxi’s face as she closed her eyes and gently nuzzled back.
Their breathing grew heavier. Lu Yinxi’s right hand clutched the corner of Jian Qing’s clothes, her mouth dry. She couldn’t help but lift her lips, wanting to initiate a kiss.
But just as she anticipated the kiss, the warm breath suddenly pulled away.
Footnotes
- “Hepatopancreatobiliary surgery”: A specialized department dealing with diseases of the liver, pancreas, and biliary system.
- “When you walk by the river often, your feet are bound to get wet.”: A Chinese proverb meaning that if you are often involved in risky activities, you are likely to encounter trouble eventually.