Probe
Leaving?
In the study room, the innermost third of the area is used to place bookshelves, which are filled with books on medicine and humanities history that the two rarely read, purely for decoration.
The remaining two-thirds of the space is separated by a screen.
Behind the screen is a small bed where Jian Qing usually takes a nap when she stays up late in the study to rush her paper.
In front of the screen, which faces the door, is a desk with a desktop computer, a printer, various papers, documents, and textbooks on it.
Jian Qing’s face is hidden by the computer, and Lu Yinxi can’t see her expression. Not hearing a response for a while, she leans against the door and knocks twice, urging, “Teacher Jian, let’s eat first, then you can continue working.”
“Okay, coming.” The words spoken are concise and calm, devoid of any emotional fluctuation.
Jian Qing folds the paper in her hand neatly, locks it in the drawer, stands up, and walks to the door.
Lu Yinxi is leaning against the door, looking at her with a smile in her eyes.
Jian Qing reaches out, intending to rub Lu Yinxi’s head, but halfway through, she changes direction and turns off the light in the study instead.
Standing in the dark, her eyes are unreadable. “What did you cook?”
Lu Yinxi looked at her, eyes shimmering with bright light, and pulled her out: “Your favorite yam slices, garlic ribs, tomato egg soup.”
“Is that what I like?”
Clearly, it was Lu Yinxi’s favorite and also the dishes she was most skilled at cooking.
Lu Yinxi pressed her head affectionately: “Eat a few more times and you’ll like it. You know, familiarity breeds fondness.” Saying this, she walked to the dining table, picked up a piece of rib, and put it in her mouth.
Jian Qing looked at her and said nothing more.
After swallowing, Lu Yinxi smiled without understanding: “Why are you looking at me like that? As if I’m a heartbreaker, I just ate a few more pieces of ribs.”
Jian Qing also smiled faintly, withdrew her gaze, served herself some soup, and casually asked, “What are your plans after being discharged?”
Lu Yinxi seemed to remember something: “Oh right, I need to tell you in advance.”
Jian Qing put down her chopsticks and listened attentively.
Lu Yinxi said: “Staying in the hospital delayed a lot of time, there’s only half a month left, I might not go to the hospital every day. The film and television city is in the suburbs, most of the shooting time will be in the studios there. The hospital will have three days for location shooting, and the campus will have two days. I want to scout the locations and then there’s some preparatory work to do before joining the crew. In the coming week, I might only be able to go to the hospital four or five days.”
Jian Qing responded with a hum and asked, “What else?”
What else hadn’t been said? She was giving her a chance to be honest.
“Nothing more. After joining the crew, I should be staying in the hotel arranged by the production team. In the future, I won’t be able to be by your side all the time. You need to eat on time, water the plants in the house occasionally, and when you have no shifts, come find me. I’ll take you to tour the film and television city.”
Lu Yinxi didn’t mention anything about wanting to move out.
She hadn’t figured out how to bring it up yet.
Jian Qing took a silver key and a small blue tag off her keychain and handed them to Lu Yinxi, speaking slowly, “The film and television city is near the university town. This semester, I have classes every Tuesday and Wednesday at the old campus. I have a place to stay there, here’s the key. Tomorrow I have no shifts, I’ll take you to see it.”
No opinion was solicited; she directly arranged the accommodation.
Lu Yinxi looked at the keys, unsure whether to take them or not.
Jian Qing stared at her expressionlessly.
Lu Yinxi made a joke: “A cunning rabbit has three burrows?”1
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Then, she carefully clenched the key in her palm.
Seeing that she accepted it, Jian Qing withdrew her gaze and did not speak again, lowering her head to eat.
The meal was somewhat silent. Lu Yinxi avoided eye contact, and Jian Qing no longer glanced at her from time to time.
The two had different thoughts. After dinner, Jian Qing cleaned up the dishes, put them in the dishwasher to wash, while Lu Yinxi stood on the balcony outside, feeling the breeze and looking up at the stars.
He Bei’s successful resuscitation had once given Lu Yinxi great hope. Now that this hope was destroyed, she once again began to restrain and suppress her feelings.
But those feelings had already taken root and sprouted, growing stronger day by day, becoming too large to ignore.
If they continued to live together like this, she felt she would be unable to restrain those feelings. Who knows, one day, in a moment of rashness, she might confess.
She couldn’t figure out her position in Jian Qing’s heart, only knowing that to Jian Qing, she was someone special.
How special exactly, she couldn’t say.
Was it the affection between lovers? Or merely possessiveness and desire for control?
If she were to ask these questions, she would most likely only receive a silent response.
Jian Qing was accustomed to responding with silence, so she could only speculate.
She was confident in every aspect of herself, except when it came to matters of the heart, where she couldn’t be confident.
Perhaps no one can be confident when it comes to love.
Someone walked up behind her, and then a coat was draped over her shoulders: “Don’t catch a cold.”
A clear and pleasant voice.
Lu Yinxi turned her head, looked at Jian Qing, and smiled slightly: “I’m not a weak and frail Daiyu who catches a cold at the slightest breeze, am I?”2
Although, over the past month, she had indeed been plagued with misfortunes.
First, it was a toothache, then a fever, and she even had a brush with death.
Jian Qing said nothing, and stood beside Lu Yinxi at the railing, leaning against the more than one-meter-high railing, looking down at the carriages and horses flowing like a river at the base of the building.3
This city is brightly lit, while this corner is quiet and silent.
Jian Qing slightly lowered her head, with her fingers interlocked, holding them together, her left thumb constantly rubbing the knuckle of her right thumb.
The balcony is lit with warm yellow lights, the light shining on her, giving her a layer of soft color.
Lu Yinxi looked at her profile, her thoughts gradually softened, and asked softly: “Dr. Jian, do you have something on your mind?”
Jian Qing moved her lips, hesitated for half a second, then pressed her lips together, swallowed her words back, shook her head, and said: “No.”
Lu Yinxi mimicked her, crossing her hands, looking down at the carriages and horses flowing like a river on the street, and said with a smile: “It feels like so many things have happened in the past month and a half, many things I haven’t even had time to react to before they happened.”
Jian Qing said: “In the hospital, life and death are unpredictable.”
Lu Yinxi nodded in agreement.
Many people may not experience more than a few instances of life and death partings in their lifetime, but in the hospital, it happens every day.
Children, friends, lovers who were laughing and chatting yesterday may be taken away by an accident the next day.
She continued to say: “No matter what, life is a very precious thing, never give up lightly at any time.”
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She didn’t know what Jian Qing would encounter in the future, only that Jian Qing would have a s*icidal end.
She didn’t want to see that end.
The gentle voice floated into the ears with the wind, Jian Qing’s ears moved, she turned her head and asked her: “Why are you telling me these things?”
Lu Yinxi met her gaze, her words were vague, and she said with a smile: “Just expressing my feelings, it’s just the two of us here, if I don’t tell you, who else can I tell?”
Jian Qing turned her head back, lowered her eyes, and continued to watch the carriages and horses flowing like a river: “There are many strange things about you.”
She wouldn’t say, so Jian Qing wouldn’t ask, but it didn’t mean she didn’t care.
“Maybe I’m someone from outer space.” Lu Yinxi pointed to the stars in the sky.
Jian Qing, with implications, probed: “So, are you going to leave, go back to your place?”
Lu Yinxi still had a smile on her face, using a deliberately relaxed, joking tone, said: “When the time comes, maybe I’ll go back…”
Jian Qing turned her head to look at her, her expression instantly cooled down.
The smile at the corner of Lu Yinxi’s lips froze.
They gazed at each other, both silent.
Jian Qing’s eyes were complicated, staring at her fixedly. After a while, she sneered and said, “It seems that my place is a relay station.”
A relay station where one can come and go as they please.
After saying this, Jian Qing turned around and left expressionlessly.
Lu Yinxi wanted to catch up and explain, but upon reconsidering, realized she had no explanation to offer, so she stood still, motionless.
What was there to explain? To say she would never leave? That she could stay by her side for a lifetime if needed?
She couldn’t do it.
This was a promise she couldn’t make…
The sound of footsteps faded away, Lu Yinxi watched Jian Qing’s back as she left. Turning back, she continued to lean on the railing, watching the carriages and horses flowing like a river below.
The more she watched, the blurrier her vision became; the bright lights turned into a hazy blur, and her heart was filled with a dense, needle-like pain.
Lu Yinxi crouched down, rubbed her eyes, and took a deep breath, trying to hold back her tears.
Liking someone made her increasingly fragile; she hadn’t cried even during the initial panic, so why couldn’t she control her tears now?
Jian Qing locked herself in the study, with a “click,” she bolted the door.
On the desk were the documents she brought back from the hospital, various studies on pneumococcal infections and severe pneumonia, as well as Lu Yinxi’s original medical records.
She flipped through a few pages absentmindedly, unable to think, so she opened the drawer and took out the sheet of paper covered in pencil marks.
She thought, is it because I’m not doing well enough? Is that why no one wants to stay by my side?
After pondering for a long time, she tore the paper into pieces and threw them into the trash can.
Leaving the study, Jian Qing subconsciously glanced in the direction of the balcony.
The light on the balcony was still on.
Jian Qing sat on the sofa in the living room, leisurely peeled a few mandarin oranges, arranged them, placed them on the coffee table, and glanced again in the direction of the balcony.
After waiting for a long time, she did not see Lu Yinxi return.
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Jian Qing went back to the bedroom, turned off the light, and turned on the star projector Lu Yinxi had given her.
She leaned against the back of the door, arms crossed, looking idly at the room filled with starlight.
Lu Yinxi came back from the balcony with red-rimmed eyes, not seeing Jian Qing’s figure.
She sniffed, smelling the fresh scent of mandarins.
She saw the peeled mandarin oranges on the coffee table, walked over, and ate them one by one.
She remembered last time, when she had made Jian Qing angry, Jian Qing had peeled a plate of oranges for her when she calmed down.
Is she not angry now?
Lu Yinxi stood up, walked to the door of Jian Qing’s bedroom, wanting to knock and explain to Jian Qing — she really did not treat this place as a relay station, coming and going as she pleased.
Walking to the door, she lost her courage again. Just as her hand was raised, she put it down again.
Lu Yinxi could only lean against the wall by the door, slowly gathering her courage…
The author has something to say:
Dr. Jian is silently heartbroken…
Footnotes
- A cunning rabbit has three burrows (狡兔三窟): A Chinese idiom meaning a clever person has multiple ways to ensure their safety or success.
- Daiyu (黛玉): A reference to Lin Daiyu, a fragile and delicate character from the classic Chinese novel “Dream of the Red Chamber.”
- Carriages and horses flowing like a river (車水馬龍): A Chinese idiom describing heavy traffic