I’ll be right there
Xiao Wanqing called Lin Xian twice more. Without exception, Lin Xian hung up the phone promptly and decisively each time it connected. Xiao Wanqing dejectedly set down her phone, leaning back powerlessly into the sofa with exhaustion weighing heavily on her.
For a moment, she didn’t know whether to feel bittersweet happiness over the girl she liked knowing her too well, or to be in turmoil over the girl’s clever insistence.
She didn’t know how Lin Xian had guessed she was staying at Wen Tong’s place, but she knew Lin Xian was doing this to leave her no chance to deny or reject her. She was certain that if she didn’t get a message of resignation from her, she would eventually come down because she couldn’t rest easy not doing so.
Unconsciously clutching at the blanket, her rational mind warned her, Xiao Wanqing, you must not back down. She closed her eyes, clearly recalling how she had succumbed step by step in her concessions, leading to the situation she found herself in today.
What good would it do to see her again? The issues that lay between them were not something that could be resolved with words. She and her, it was impossible.
Impossible. Xiao Wanqing murmured to herself as if trying to convince her own heart.
It’s just one more time, forcing herself to say insincere words, hurting her as well as herself. Xiao Wanqing’s face turned a bit pale.
But in the end, she sighed long and wearily, closed the laptop resting on her legs, grabbed her phone, threw off the blanket, and got off the sofa.
The sky had turned completely dark. The day had been overcast all along, now even more gloomy, as if it might rain anytime. Lin Xian, a girl, stubbornly standing outside the community—how could Xiao Wanqing bear to let her be, how could she possibly leave her be with a peaceful mind?
Xiao Wanqing locked the door, entered the elevator, and the world seemed to have only her left in it. She watched the red numbers of the floors flashing by, decreasing one by one; it was as if a battle between gods and demons was raging in her heart. The moment she stepped out of the building door, the yearning to see the girl who tortured her heart day and night finally burst through her cage of rationality, pushing down all her reasons, prompting her to step out. In the deserted community road, she awkwardly broke into a small trot in her slender high heels.
On the day Lin Xian left the living room in tears, she longed to throw caution to the wind, reach out, and pull her into an embrace from behind, to tell her, “Don’t cry, don’t go.”
On the day her inbox was flooded with relentless text messages, she yearned to cast aside everything, to cradle that sincere heart, and to tell her, “I can’t pretend anymore, I surrender.”
Lin Xian doesn’t know how much she wishes, how much she wishes not to love her.
She also doesn’t know, doesn’t know how much she herself wants to love her.
Suddenly, thunder exploded in the sky, one clap after another, deafening, as if warning the dim-witted who can’t distinguish dreams from reality in the darkness, caught in an erroneous mire. Each boom resounded in Xiao Wanqing’s muddled mind.
Beneath the thunder, the crisp sound of high heels tapping the ground slowed down bit by bit until it faded away completely. Xiao Wanqing’s bright eyes gradually dimmed, and at the corners of her mouth, there was a bitter smile of stark sobriety.
She leaned defeatedly against the building’s wall, feeling even breathing to be exhausting. After a prolonged daze, with a dead look in her eyes, she dialed Xia Zhijin’s number.
She pleaded with her, “Zhijin, can you do me a favor, please, take Lin Xian back for me. I’m begging you…” The last four words were faintly laced with crying.
Just like the day she had encountered the girl’s breakdown and had gently soothed her, this time, the girl returned the tenderness in kind, without asking the reason, considerately embracing her fragility.
She promised her, “Alright, I’ll be right there.”
Lin Xian stood quietly at the entrance of the residential complex, her expression serene and intense, her eyes piercing through the empty expanse of the avenue inside, hoping that in the next second, or the one after, the figure that haunted her dreams would appear before her eyes.
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She had already confirmed her presence with the security guard before making the call.
The guard wouldn’t let her in, so she described to him that there was a woman who had recently moved in: tall, thin, with unusually fair skin and light chestnut, curly hair, a woman who looked refined and had an air of quality about her—that woman was her aunt, whom she was there to see. She knew her Auntie Xiao was the type of woman people don’t forget easily.
Though the guard later, as a matter of routine, repeated the official lines, saying she had to call the homeowner to come down and get her, the moment of realization that crossed his face when he heard her description told her that Xiao Wanqing indeed lived there recently.
But as time ticked away second by second, the heels and calves that hurt from standing too long the day before began to ache again from the prolonged standing, yet Xiao Wanqing still hadn’t appeared before her.
In the end, Lin Xian didn’t wait until Xiao Wanqing appeared; what came instead was the roar of an approaching car and someone she hadn’t expected.
Xia Zhijin stopped the car and appeared beside her. Looking at Lin Xian’s crestfallen face, her expression was cool yet sympathetic: “Auntie Xiao asked me to take you back.”
Lin Xian, reaching the peak of her sorrow and disappointment, laughed instead. She feigned a smile, turned around, and leaned weakly against the wall, asking Xia Zhijin half-jokingly, “What if I refuse to go?”
Xia Zhijin’s eyes softened as she spoke gently, “I’m sorry, Lin Xian. I’m here to fulfill someone’s trust, to be loyal to their request. I don’t know what happened between you two, but I heard… Auntie Xiao’s voice was very, very broken, so I came.”
Upon hearing this, Lin Xian felt a sudden uncontrollable surge of tears welling up in her eyes. She turned her face away, swiftly wiping the tears, and with a cold voice replied to Xia Zhijin, “Sister Zhijin, I’m also falling apart right now. Can you sympathize with me?”
Xia Zhijin bit her lip and whispered, “Then I’ll wait with you.” As soon as her words fell, she added lightly, “Manman is running a fever today; she’s alone at home waiting for me. She wanted to come too, but I made her stay.” This was true; if it weren’t for Lin Xian, if it weren’t for Xiao Wanqing, she wouldn’t have left Manman at this time.
Lin Xian’s teeth clenched with a grinding noise, her gaze toward Xia Zhijin as cold as if shooting ice. Xia Zhijin met her look steadily, her eyes deep and tranquil.
After a long time, Lin Xian finally forced a concession from her throat: “Let’s go.” She turned and walked towards Xia Zhijin’s car, her spine, which had been straight, now bent gradually. All at once, she seemed to lose all her strength, like she could be blown over by a mere gust of wind.
Xia Zhijin was deeply saddened too, feeling a sourness in her heart. She turned around, took a deep look into the dark recesses of the neighborhood, sighed heavily, and then got into the car.
On the way back, the silence was eerie. Unknowing of the distance they had covered, the sky began to drizzle, which amidst the thunder and lightning, gradually turned into a downpour.
Through the rearview mirror, Xia Zhijin saw Lin Xian in the back seat, head hanging down, silent, and couldn’t bear it, so she opened up, “Auntie Xiao sent me to pick you up because she was afraid you’d be caught in the rain if you kept waiting.”
Lin Xian let out a wry laugh and responded hoarsely, “I know.”
The very person who had coldly planned to leave her, still couldn’t help but look after her life worriedly. The one who just hurt her ruthlessly in one breath, in the next, couldn’t help but remind her to go home early. How could she not know?
It was exactly because she knew too well that she couldn’t bear to let her go, couldn’t bear to miss her, couldn’t bear the thought of lifelong regret.
Xia Zhijin wasn’t one to meddle, but looking at Lin Xian and Xiao Wanqing, she saw a reflection of her past self and Shi Man. Just as Shi Man might never know what she had gone through, what she had endured, Lin Xian might also never understand what Auntie Xiao was afraid of, what she was resisting.
She felt heartbroken.
Two people in love, yet it seemed like they were not on the same wavelength.
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Those who are innately brave will never understand the pain of those who habitually look before they leap. In Shi Man and Lin Xian’s eyes, the difficulties that suffocated her and Xiao Wanqing seemed like they could be overcome if one just put their mind to it. They might not even realize that all the mental shackles were self-imposed; after all, they could simply take them off if they chose to.
After another prolonged silence, Xia Zhijin, watching the windshield wipers swing back and forth in a dull rhythm, softly persuaded Lin Xian, “Lin Xian, give her a bit more time.”
Lin Xian smiled feebly, a smile more distressing than tears, “Haven’t I given her time? I want to give her time, too. I also want to handle things more maturely.” Her laugh was sadder than crying: “But when I give her time, she won’t use it to slowly come to me; she’ll use it to leave me more cleanly.”
“I’ve taken ninety-nine steps towards her, but she refuses to take even one towards me. However, it’s okay, I’ll complete the hundred steps by myself. She doesn’t have to do anything, just stand still, let me hug her, that’s all I ask for, yet she won’t even allow this. Sister Zhijin, I’m out of options. Can I only stand by helplessly and watch her leave me?” The girl couldn’t hold onto her last shred of dignity, covering her face and crying silently in Xia Zhijin’s car.
Xia Zhijin gripped the steering wheel tighter, her throat choked up, unable to utter another word.
When Lin Xian got back home, the rain had stopped, and the tear stains on her face had dried. She didn’t try to hide her cried-out, red eyes. Facing Aunt Liu’s gaze from the sofa, she lifted her head proudly to show her eyes and then, ignoring Aunt Liu’s astonished look, said weakly, “Aunt Liu, I’m very tired, please don’t ask me anything.”
She went to her room to grab some clothes, then headed straight for the bathroom. She earnestly washed her face and brushed her teeth. Only after that did she turn on the shower, letting the chilly water soak her entirely.
At the end of April, with the weather fluctuating between warm and cold, the burst of cold water made Lin Xian shiver violently from the chill. Clenching her teeth, she showered in the cold water, and after finishing, she didn’t dry off. She grabbed a towel, wrapped it around her, half-soaked as she was, and left the bathroom to return to her bedroom.
After Xiao Wanqing wasn’t home, for the first time, Lin Xian didn’t lock the door.
She took out the air conditioner remote from the bedside drawer that had been resting for over half a year, and Lin Xian looked down at it with a sad, bitter smile for a long time.
Auntie Xiao had made up her mind not to see her, had decided to go.
What could she do?
She had nothing, nothing but a full heart of love, and only this, her last bit of solitary courage left.
She raised her hand, aimed at the air conditioner, and pressed the power button.
After who knows how long, the water traces on her body dried up in the cold temperature. Lin Xian shivered, her teeth chattering, and she changed into her own underwear and pajamas before curling up on the bed.
Unknowingly, she slowly lost consciousness…
When she became conscious again, a middle-aged woman’s voice exclaimed in her ear, “My goodness! Why did you turn on the air conditioner?”
She opened her eyes to see Aunt Liu’s panicked face swinging wildly before her, indistinct and blurred. Just as she was about to speak, she felt a severe cramp in her stomach and a surge of discomfort in her chest, as if something was churning inside. She felt a sense, struggled to prop herself up, turned over, grabbed the trash can, opened her mouth, and vomited until everything went dark.
Aunt Liu was scared out of her wits. She touched Lin Xian’s ice-cold body, saw her eyes evidently burning with fever, and immediately, in a fluster, took off the coat that Lin Xian was wearing and urged her anxiously, “Get up quickly, we need to go to the hospital…”
But Lin Xian just turned back over, lying on the bed weakly, tugging at her dry throat that felt like it was on fire, and stubbornly demanded word by word, “I won’t go, I’m waiting for her to come back.”
Her head was heavy, her body felt weak and powerless, yet her consciousness was very clear. After that one sentence, she listened to Aunt Liu rattling on and on in a frantic persuasion but remained silent. She refused to go to the hospital and wouldn’t take any medicine.
Finally, she heard Xiao Wanqing’s pleasant voice again, coming from the cellphone that Aunt Liu held to her ear, in a fluster, “Xianxian, be good and go to the hospital first, I’ll really be there soon.”
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“I will wait for you,” Lin Xian insisted with a hoarse voice, and while speaking, couldn’t help but let out a couple of difficult coughs.
The woman’s pleasant voice suddenly took on a heartbroken cry, choked with sobs as she pleaded with her, “Xianxian, stop making trouble, I’m begging you, don’t make me so worried…”
Lin Xian calmed her breath after the coughing fit, feeling a deep heartache yet comforting her with a weak but gentle voice, “Sorry, it’s nothing, don’t be scared. Drive slower, be safe.”
After speaking, she steeled herself and hung up the phone.
She handed the cellphone back to Aunt Liu, who was standing there, dumbfounded with a thermometer and a cup of warm water. Lin Xian’s voice was hoarse, yet she managed a smile, tired but composed, as she apologized, “Sorry, Aunt Liu, my aunt and I had a bit of a dispute. This kind of thing might happen quite often in the future, please bear with me.” The words were light but carried a heavy meaning.
Aunt Liu, looking at the young girl on the bed with a weak smile, felt her hand trembling with the glass cup it held, and shivered inside.
The author has something to say:
Aunt Liu: I’m scared, I can’t handle this anymore, is it okay if I just leave? (Lin Xian said this to scare Aunt Liu away on purpose. This is her last hurrah; if it doesn’t work, she’s out of energy too. After all, everyone’s courage has its limits.)