For The Rest Of Our Life – Chapter 83

Don’t make me hate you

Lin Xian didn’t know how she ended up riding a little sheep and arriving near Xiao Wanqing’s magazine office. Along the way, countless thoughts flashed through her mind, accompanied by overwhelming sadness and disappointment. However, she stubbornly clung to a last glimmer of hope, deceiving herself with the belief that maybe Auntie Xiao just hadn’t had a chance to come home yet. Perhaps today, she was preparing to surprise her. Maybe the deadline was only extended to conveniently hire a nanny, making it a false claim. It was like how she had always heard classmates say that when looking for summer jobs, it was easier to find work if you exaggerated the length of availability.

Deep down, she knew that Auntie Xiao was not that kind of dishonest person.

But… maybe…

Clearly, clearly Auntie Xiao liked her so much. Clearly, she had told her to wait for her return. How could someone so gentle bear to treat her like this?

She had never known before that she could be such a person, refusing to turn back even when faced with a dead end, struggling desperately.

She parked the little sheep at a paid parking spot across from Xiao Wanqing’s magazine office and then reached up to take off her helmet. Just as she was about to get off, she looked up and saw several elegantly dressed women walking out of the building across the street. Among them, the woman in the middle had light chestnut-colored hair cascading over her shoulders, with the ends of her hair charmingly curled. When she turned her head to talk and smiled, her profile displayed delicate lines that intoxicated Lin Xian.

In an instant, a cold gust seemed to sweep through Lin Xian’s entire body, leaving her stiff and cold. Instinctively, she anxiously took out her phone, as if unwilling to believe, holding onto the faintest glimmer of hope, and pressed the shortcut key assigned to the person she had set as her first contact. She dialed Xiao Wanqing’s number.

She stared fixedly at the tall and graceful figure at the entrance of the opposite building, unwavering. She watched as she stopped in her tracks, took out her phone from her bag, and a few seconds later, put it down, as if nothing had happened, and followed the person next to her, leaving.

Lin Xian listened dazedly to the busy tone “beep beep beep” coming from her phone, while watching that figure gradually disappear around the corner, fading into the crowd. It was as if she could hear the sound of her dreams shattering bit by bit, the sound of her heart bleeding and dying.

Within her chest, pain and bitterness swelled, along with an indescribable sense of anger and frustration from the betrayal that came after trust and anticipation.

Why, why treat her like this? Why deceive her? Why let her indulge in false joy? Why can’t she speak her mind in front of her and have an open and honest conversation? Why make her wait eagerly like a fool for a cruel outcome that she will never come back from?

Why, when she was eagerly anticipating a future together, was she secretly planning how to push her away without a word?

Did she think she was a fool? Did she think she wouldn’t be hurt?

She pulled out the keys and got out of the motor scooter, tears welling up in her eyes, trembling index finger dialing the phone again. After a few seconds, the phone was mercilessly hung up again, followed by an impatient text message: “Busy.”

Tears the size of beans finally fell from Lin Xian’s eyes without any restraint. The person waiting to collect the parking fee beside her was startled by her sudden crying, stopping in their tracks, hesitating and not daring to approach.

Lin Xian had been reluctant to cry in front of others since she grew up. She took a deep breath, wiped her tears haphazardly with her hand, and put two coins in the hand of the parking attendant, then lowered her head and ran away quickly. She dashed across the road, narrowly avoiding danger, and rushed into the building of the magazine company across the street.

Standing at the elevator door, she calmed her emotions, took out wet wipes and tissues, facing the reflection on the elevator door, tightly pursed her lips, and slowly wiped away the tears from her face, restoring a calm expression before pressing the floor button for Xiao Wanqing’s magazine office.

She kept telling herself, Lin Xian, you can’t cry, you’re an adult, especially in front of Auntie Xiao, especially when fighting for love, you must not cry. You have to be a mature and steady person.

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The receptionist at the magazine office always had a good understanding of the interpersonal relationships within the company, and she had a particularly strong impression of Lin Xian. The first time Xiao Wanqing brought Lin Xian in, she was surprised by how close they seemed, and she immediately remembered Lin Xian. Later, when Lin Xian came to deliver food for Xiao Wanqing the second time, the receptionist initially wanted to check with Xiao Wanqing, but Lin Xian’s sincere plea for giving Xiao Wanqing a surprise melted her heart, so she let her through. The result later proved that Xiao Wanqing wasn’t angry, and she did the right thing. So this time, when Lin Xian came to find Xiao Wanqing again, the receptionist was eating takeout and when she looked up and saw Lin Xian, she smiled warmly and said, “Are you here to have a meal with Chief Editor Xiao again? Unfortunately, Chief Editor Xiao went out to eat with colleagues today.”

Lin Xian smiled lightly and said, “That’s okay, I actually have something important to discuss with her. Can I go in and wait for her, sister?”

The receptionist smiled and readily agreed, “Sure, why don’t you wait in the meeting room inside? When the Chief Editor comes back, I’ll let her know to find you directly.” Putting down her chopsticks, she stood up and led Lin Xian towards the meeting room.

Lin Xian nodded and followed behind her, politely saying, “Thank you so much for your help, sister.” There was a slight curve at the corner of her lips, and to show her gratitude, she flattered, “You’re so considerate, sister. You didn’t eat much for lunch, no wonder you have such a great figure.”

The receptionist was delighted by the praise and responded playfully, “Oh, I didn’t eat much? I’m not that great. But recently, I’ve been doing morning runs, and I feel that after doing them…”

As Lin Xian walked behind her, she listened to the receptionist’s chattering. Though her lips curved into a smile, her gaze remained cold and distant.

It wasn’t until the receptionist left the meeting room that Lin Xian sat alone on the sofa, holding the cup of hot water the receptionist had poured for her. She completely restrained her smile, and her eyes became deep and mysterious.

Xiao Wanqing had been concerned about the two urgent phone calls from Lin Xian, which came one after another. Her heart was inexplicably restless. She had little appetite and hurriedly ate a few bites of lunch before making an excuse and returning to the office ahead of her colleagues.

On her way back, her uneasiness persisted, so she dialed Aunt Liu’s number, wanting to inquire if anything special had happened to Lin Xian in the past few days that would explain her abnormal behavior and the two consecutive phone calls.

Aunt Liu was sitting at home, pondering over the meaning of the phone call she had received from Lin Xian inquiring about their agreed-upon employment period. Upon hearing Xiao Wanqing’s inquiry about Lin Xian, she immediately confessed, “Lin Xian called me this morning and asked me about the agreed-upon employment period. After I told her, she seemed a bit strange, but she didn’t say anything and hung up the phone. I… I’ve been thinking since then, did I say something wrong?”

Aunt Liu realized belatedly that something might be amiss between Xiao Wanqing and Lin Xian. Xiao Wanqing always asked about Lin Xian when they spoke, and Lin Xian always inquired about Xiao Wanqing. Why didn’t they just call each other directly to express their concern?

Upon hearing Aunt Liu’s response, Xiao Wanqing’s heart sank, and she paused in her footsteps. Did Lin Xian find out something? In that moment, panic and unease surged through her, leaving her feeling lost and afraid.

Deception, inevitably, will be exposed one day. Her intention was also to make Lin Xian understand her unspoken rejection through her gradual coldness, allowing both of them to preserve some dignity.

Xiao Wanqing’s eyes gradually dimmed, and her unease gradually subsided. Wasn’t this bound to happen sooner or later? It was just happening a bit earlier than she had anticipated.

But she had to come to terms with it, she had to know. Lin Xian was so clever, she would surely understand her silent rejection.

She would be hurt and saddened, perhaps even cry. But she would eventually meet more interesting people and have a more brilliant future. She would slowly forget about this childish love.

In the end, Xiao Wanqing simply lowered her gaze and softly said to Aunt Liu, “It’s okay, there’s nothing that can’t be said. It’s just… it’s just…”

“Auntie, please take care of her a little more.” These last words were spoken gently, as if filled with deep affection and helplessness. Aunt Liu couldn’t help but feel a strange tingling in her heart, realizing that the relationship between her employer and her niece was extraordinary and unpredictable.

After hanging up the phone, Xiao Wanqing looked up at the bright sunny sky, feeling dizzy.

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Was it that the brighter the sunlight, the more dazzling and unbearable it became? The closer it got, the more it couldn’t be looked at directly.

The more it couldn’t be approached.

She weakly turned away, avoiding the intense sun, and entered the building. She went straight to the top floor, repeatedly reminding herself in her heart: Let it end like this, end this quietly initiated and quietly concluded ambiguity. Now, no arguments, no quarrels. Years later, no pain, no itchiness.

Lin Xian, you must understand.

However, as she stepped into the magazine office, the receptionist’s smiling notification ruthlessly shattered the last trace of hope in her heart and tore away the last semblance of calm on her face. “Chief Editor, your niece is here to see you. She’s waiting for you in the reception area.”

Subconsciously, Xiao Wanqing shifted her footsteps, wanting to turn around and leave, to escape from this destined-to-be turbulent reunion after their temporary separation.

But a few seconds later, the steps she lifted gradually relaxed.

Where could she escape to? The girl was more persistent and courageous than she had imagined. How long could she run?

If it was destined that they couldn’t end peacefully as she wished, then it was better to endure a short pain than a prolonged one.

Xiao Wanqing clenched the hand at her side, then slowly released it. She lifted her head and flashed a graceful and composed smile at the receptionist, speaking gently, “Alright, thank you for bringing her over. I’ll go find her.”

She entered the door, turned her head, and from a distance, she could see the girl’s slender figure sitting alone with her head down in the reception area’s glass window.

No matter how much mental preparation she had, it crumbled upon seeing this person engraved in her heart. Xiao Wanqing’s heart suddenly ached, and tears threatened to well up uncontrollably. She lifted her head, took a deep breath, forcefully blinked her eyes, suppressing her tears.

She straightened her posture, lowered her head, focused ahead, and her face gradually transformed into a calm and icy expression, devoid of any trace of a smile. Like bidding farewell to a beloved lover, like marching towards a life-or-death battlefield, step by step, as if treading upon the shattered pieces of her own heart, she approached the girl.

The solid wooden door was lightly knocked twice, followed by the sound of the door being pushed open. Lin Xian immediately stood up and turned around to look.

At the doorway stood the woman she had yearned for day and night, the woman who occupied her thoughts. Holding onto the doorknob, she gazed silently at Lin Xian. Her normally gentle and watery black eyes now appeared deep and indiscernible in emotion.

Lin Xian had prepared countless words of grievances, anger, and frustration in her heart, ready to question her about her departure without a word and deliberate deception. But all her discontent vanished upon seeing that face she had longed for. It was as if a thousand words were on the tip of her tongue, but before she could speak, a sourness overwhelmed her, and all that was left was a plaintive accusation, tinged with a hint of tears and devoid of any momentum: “Auntie Xiao, you didn’t tell me you were back.”

Xiao Wanqing closed the door and leaned against it, displaying an unfamiliar and distant demeanor that Lin Xian had never seen before. Her gaze fell on the coffee table in front of Lin Xian, and she opened her lips, her voice tinged with obvious coldness and disappointment: “Lin Xian, I thought you would understand.”

The softening of Lin Xian’s heart upon seeing her was gradually replaced by a hardening when confronted with Xiao Wanqing’s cold words. She gritted her teeth, suppressing the urge to cry, her voice choked, as she questioned Xiao Wanqing word by word, “What am I supposed to understand?” She stared at Xiao Wanqing, her gaze scorching as if it could burn her. “You didn’t say anything. How could I understand?”

Xiao Wanqing couldn’t bring herself to meet Lin Xian’s gaze, fearing that she would weaken and be unable to maintain her facade. She lowered her snow-white neck, her hair obscuring her expression, and her voice turned cold and clear: “Fine, let me make it clear. Lin Xian, go back, let’s not meet again in the future.”

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Lin Xian’s expression gradually turned cold as well. Her eyes were still slightly red, and her usually smiling eyes became sharp and piercing. It was as if she couldn’t believe it. She asked Xiao Wanqing in a low voice, “So, is this the answer you give me after coming back?”

Xiao Wanqing remained silent, unwilling to speak. She couldn’t bear to see Lin Xian’s reddened eyes and broken expression. She couldn’t hold on any longer. She had said the harsh words she intended to, so it should be enough. She turned around and grabbed the doorknob, intending to escape. Unexpectedly, a strong hand tightly grasped her wrist. It seemed as if Lin Xian was afraid she would struggle and run away. The force with which Lin Xian held her made Xiao Wanqing feel aching in her bones.

Lin Xian called out her name, but it was different from the first time, lacking the innocence and brilliance. This time, she called out in a low and calm voice, “Xiao Wanqing, look at me.” She forcefully held onto Xiao Wanqing’s hand, pulling her around, forcing her to face Lin Xian. She stared at Xiao Wanqing’s eyes, which had turned red at some point, and spoke resolutely, every word ringing out, “If you want to reject me, then say it clearly and openly. Xiao Wanqing, I…”

But Xiao Wanqing interrupted her in a low, hoarse voice, just like that night, restraining and cutting her off, “Lin Xian, must it be this way? Once you say it, we can never go back.” Her tone made Lin Xian feel like she was doing something unreasonable.

Lin Xian’s eyes were filled with coldness, and a mocking smile curled up at the corners of her lips. As she laughed, tears welled up in her eyes. “Go back? Auntie Xiao? Return to the role of a gentle aunt who deceives herself and others, and an obedient niece, playing the roles of motherly love and filial piety?” She took a deep breath, her voice trembling lightly. “I never wanted to be in that position. Let me tell you, Xiao Wanqing.”

“I like you.” She stared at the woman with red-rimmed eyes, equally stubborn. Finally, she yelled out the words that had whispered countless times in her heart: “Xiao Wanqing, I love you…” Tears streamed down her face uncontrollably, accompanying her words, dripping onto the ground, expressing her heartache.

Xiao Wanqing felt that her heart had already died, devoid of any feeling. She gritted her teeth and put on the most indifferent expression of her life, asking Lin Xian dismissively, “Lin Xian, how old are you? Do you really know what love is?” She clenched her fist, nails digging into her palm, drawing blood, but she felt no pain. “Lin Xian, I don’t want and I’m not willing to play this youth game with you. Can you please stop making things difficult for me?” It was as if an adult was dealing with an unreasonable child.

Her cold indifference cruelly wounded Lin Xian. With force, she pulled Xiao Wanqing towards her, causing Xiao Wanqing to stumble a few steps, almost falling into her embrace. “In your eyes, is my love just a teenage game? Just because I’m young, am I not worthy of loving someone?”

She glared at Xiao Wanqing, long eyelashes still adorned with delicate teardrops, her expression fierce and filled with gritted teeth. “Xiao Wanqing, when you were young, didn’t you truly love someone? Was it all just a game to you?” Why could she be so selfless and brave for someone else when she was young, but she couldn’t be a little braver for her, even just a little bit? What was she lacking compared to that irresponsible coward?

Xiao Wanqing turned her gaze away, her chest heaving heavily. After a moment, she struggled to squeeze out a hoarse voice, “I have loved, and that’s why I regret. Lin Xian, I don’t want you to regret in the future.”

“I’m not you! I’m not like all of you cowards! I never regret my decisions. I love you, and I won’t regret it now, or in the future. I won’t regret it in this lifetime!” Her raw and hoarse voice resounded with conviction.

Xiao Wanqing gazed at this brave and stubborn girl whom she loved, listening to the sincere and passionate words ringing in her ears. The tears she had been holding back for so long could no longer be concealed and rolled down her cheeks.

It turned out that pushing away someone you loved was such a heart-wrenching thing.

As Lin Xian saw Xiao Wanqing’s tears, she felt her heart ache even more than when she saw the indifference in her eyes. She raised her hand, softening the coldness between her brows, and gently tried to wipe away Xiao Wanqing’s tears. “Admit it, Xiao Wanqing. You like me too. Why do you insist on pushing me away?”

Xiao Wanqing’s gaze, shining with a watery gleam, fixed upon Lin Xian. There was a momentary lapse in her concentration, but the next second, as if her rationality had swiftly returned, she took a step back.

Lin Xian’s outstretched hand was left empty.

Struggling to maintain her composure, Lin Xian abruptly retreated, her voice trembling with a hint of tears. She angrily questioned, “Xiao Wanqing, what are you afraid of?!”

The sudden rise in volume made Xiao Wanqing’s head throb. She looked at the desperate girl on the verge of losing control under her own indifference, then turned her head and caught sight of a colleague who had returned after lunch, seemingly drawn by the commotion. The colleague craned their neck curiously, peering in their direction.

Her heart turned to ashes.

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She struggled to break free from Lin Xian’s tight grip, pleading, “Lin Xian, let go of me.”

But Lin Xian stood her ground, gripping even tighter as Xiao Wanqing struggled.

Finally, Xiao Wanqing broke down, sobbing, and choked out her question, “Lin Xian, look at all those people outside watching us. Do you want the entire company to see us like this? Do you want me to become the gossip topic during tea breaks?”

Lin Xian turned her head, casting a fierce glance at those who were prying and causing them to quickly lower their heads, pretending to be busy. Once again, she couldn’t resist wiping away the tears that incessantly streamed down Xiao Wanqing’s face. This time, Xiao Wanqing lacked the strength to evade her touch. “Are other people’s opinions, the way they perceive us, so important? Why should we care about insignificant individuals?”

But Xiao Wanqing’s tears only flowed more intensely.

Lin Xian couldn’t understand, Lin Xian wouldn’t understand. She was still young, how could she know that those insignificant gazes were the sharpest swords in the world, silently killing people?

And besides those unimportant onlookers, there were also the gazes of important people. A gaze that could pierce the heart without drawing blood, but every gaze struck deep.

She was too young, there were too many things she didn’t understand.

But she was young, she shouldn’t understand. It would be best if she never experienced it, never understood.

This shouldn’t be the path her beloved girl should tread.

Suppressing her voice, she cried silently, gasping for breath. Finally, she made up her mind. In the position where Lin Xian held her hand tightly, she raised both hands and pushed forward with all her might. Lin Xian, caught off guard, stumbled backward a few steps, her shins hitting the coffee table with a thud.

Fearful of pulling Xiao Wanqing down with her, Lin Xian instinctively let go of her hand, losing her balance and falling onto the coffee table. The impact jolted pain through her shins.

But no pain could compare to the pain in her heart.

In that moment of hearing the collision, Xiao Wanqing regretted it. But when she saw Lin Xian’s despairing and incredulous gaze, she forcibly restrained herself. She turned her back, pressing one hand against the back of the sofa to support her weak body. Her voice was hoarse and cold as she said, “Lin Xian, go. I beg you.”

“Please don’t make me hate you.” Xiao Wanqing’s tone was ruthless, as if she had grown tired of it, sending chills down one’s spine.

The hurtful words were like arrows piercing through the air, precisely hitting Lin Xian’s heart, killing the last ounce of courage and resilience within her. Her posture slumped, head hanging low, like a defeated rooster, as a forlorn smile slowly broke out on her face, accompanied by tears. Her final trace of pride allowed her to gradually stand up, and she walked towards the door with determined strides, grabbing the doorknob, ready to make her exit.

However, after a long, long while, she still hadn’t pulled the door open and taken that step. She compromised with her own heart, abandoning all her pride and dignity, and softly pleaded, “Let’s both calm down first. It’s not convenient to talk here.” With that, she opened the door and hurriedly ran out.

She ran out of the magazine office, wiping away tears as she ran, disgustedly mocking and berating herself. Lin Xian, where is your self-esteem? Lin Xian, how can you be so shameless? Lin Xian, they’ve already said those things, so why can’t you read the room?

In the elevator, Lin Xian crouched down, hugging herself, crying uncontrollably, gasping for breath.

But I love her…


LP: My overactive imagination made this more painful in my mind



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