Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 36
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
The wine of ancient times was mostly fermented, with a very low alcohol content, which is why it was also called watery wine.1 Storybooks are always going on about drinking wine from big bowls and tearing into meat with your hands, with heroes downing twenty bowls in one go or just chugging straight from the jar. It all sounds heroic enough to pierce the clouds, but it wouldn’t actually get you drunk. Got the guts to down twenty bowls of fifty or sixty percent ABV Erguotou?2 Let’s see you try.
But the wine in the Empress Dowager’s flask was different. It was fierce! Like Erguotou laced with pure alcohol. It was good wine; though the smell was pungent, it couldn’t hide the mellow fragrance. Still, Yao Xi absolutely did not want to drink it. No matter how expensive, how rare, how fragrant, or how endlessly delightful its aftertaste, she just didn’t want to drink it.
The Empress Dowager had already drained the thimble-sized drop of wine from her little cup. Under her oppressive aura, Yao Xi, no matter how reluctant, could only steel herself and bring the bowl to her lips. She squeezed her eyes shut, hardened her heart, opened her mouth, and poured the wine down her throat.
“Ahhh—Spicy! Spicy, spicy, spicy!” Yao Xi was forced to put the bowl down after just two mouthfuls, sticking her tongue out and fanning it frantically with her hand. She couldn’t do it. The harsh liquor burned her throat and her chest, like swallowing knives.
For those who love to drink and those who don’t, the impression of wine is truly a world apart. Yao Xi couldn’t taste a single good thing about this vintage; she only found it sharp and fiery, so fiery it brought tears to her eyes.
Wan Bi sat directly across from Yao Xi, watching with a cheerful grin as the little castrated donkey panted with his tongue out like a puppy. “Look at that,” she said. “It seems this bereaved one has been thoughtless. Yuanqian, tell the small kitchen to prepare some side dishes to go with the wine.3 See how our Yao-gonggong is suffering.” Wan Bi watched every one of Yao Xi’s pained, struggling little movements as he battled the wine, the smile on her face impossible to hide. She was also a bit puzzled. With such a pathetic tolerance for alcohol, how did the little castrated donkey manage to drink with that booze-hound Longyi? Did he substitute water for wine?
Yao Xi raised a sleeve to wipe away the tears stung from her eyes and offered her thanks. “This slave thanks Your Majesty.” She didn’t just want to thank the Empress Dowager; she wanted to thank the Empress Dowager’s entire family, and all eighteen generations of her ancestors!
After that small, secret outburst in her heart, Yao Xi resignedly picked up the bowl again, comforting herself that if she didn’t down this bowl of fire, the next one waiting for her might well be poison. Drink up! In the next life, I’ll be a hero again!
Yao Xi nearly made herself vomit. She forced down the discomfort rising in her throat, letting the wine rampage through her stomach like a wildfire. She desperately wanted to eat a few bites of food to cut the alcohol’s intensity, and just then, Yuanqian-gugu arrived with the side dishes.
Wan Bi felt she could watch the little castrated donkey drink all day without getting bored. When Yuanqian brought the food, Wan Bi saw how pitifully he was suffering from the spice and ordered, “Have some food. Drink slowly, there’s no rush.” She was bored, anyway. She had all the time in the world.
“Thank you, Your Majesty.” Yao Xi’s chopsticks suddenly froze in the air above the plate.
Yuanqian-gugu had brought only one dish: stir-fried chili peppers. Red ones, green ones, all kinds of varieties. Just looking at it made one’s eyes water. Yao Xi looked at Yuanqian-gugu with sorrow. She really wanted to ask Gugu: Did we have a feud in our past life? Did I burn down your house or steal your child? Why must you do this to me?
Seeing Yao Xi’s hesitation, Wan Bi glanced over and discovered that Yuanqian had actually served stir-fried chilies. As the saying goes, ginger is spicier when it’s old.4 Gugu was far more vicious at tormenting people than she was. Yuanqian was acting very strangely today. In the past, whenever she was angry and wanted to punish a servant, Yuanqian would always speak up for them to a degree. While she wasn’t exactly warm and gentle with those under her, she was still considerate. If a young palace maid fell ill or had some trouble, Yuanqian was always willing to look after her. It wasn’t Yuanqian’s fault she wasn’t overly gentle; managing so many people in Ning’an Palace, it was necessary to maintain some distance from her subordinates.
But this same Yuanqian seemed to become a different person when faced with Yao Xi, even resorting to a dirty trick like serving chili peppers with wine.
“Take it away. Bring something else.” Wan Bi only wanted to tease the little castrated donkey, not to play so rough. If she played him to death, who would she play with in the future?
Yao Xi’s head was starting to spin.
She had drunk a large bowl of wine. Even if she’d spilled some while drinking, she had still swallowed at least half a small bowl’s worth. The strong liquor went to her head much faster and more fiercely than watery wine. First, her head started to feel heavy, and then she began to see double.
She saw two Empress Dowagers.
Two of them? Heavens! The Daxing Dynasty is doomed!
“Gonggong?” Wan Bi waved a hand in front of Yao Xi’s face. Seeing his large, almond-shaped eyes grow hazy and start to close, she knew the little castrated donkey was drunk. What terrible alcohol tolerance!
Her consciousness scattering, Yao Xi cupped her own face with her hands and giggled foolishly, for no apparent reason. A moment later, as the full force of the alcohol hit, she began her journey down the irrevocable path of self-abandon. On the verge of tears and laughter, she started a drunken fit, banging her head against the table again and again. “Being a person… it’s meaningless!”
Wan Bi smiled and played along. “Oh? And how is it meaningless?”
Yao Xi was completely bewildered and couldn’t possibly answer. Perhaps she’d knocked her head too hard. She clutched her forehead and mumbled to herself, “I miss Mom and Dad. I want to go over there and find them. Life here is too hard.” Yao Xi began to cry in earnest, her voice thick with grievance. Painful memories are so much more profound than happy ones; even drunk, she could still recall all the hardships and suffering she had endured since crossing over.
Find his parents? Wan Bi distinctly remembered the little castrated donkey saying his parents had been jinxed to death by him long ago. The little castrated donkey wants to die! No wonder he’s always threatening to kill himself over the slightest thing. So he’s been harboring thoughts of death all along.
Wan Bi’s parents had also died young. She could understand the little castrated donkey’s desire to end his own life and be reunited with his deceased relatives, though someone like her, who loved life, had never had such thoughts. But the little castrated donkey was different from her. After losing her loved ones, she had met the Late Emperor and been brought back to the palace. The Late Emperor had respected her, doted on her, and loved her. She had never truly suffered.
The little castrated donkey had. After losing his family, he fell into the hands of human traffickers. Just as he reached marriageable age, he was sold into the palace to be made a eunuch. Not only could he never be a man again in this life, but because of that pretty face of his, he was also coveted by those depraved eunuchs. And worst of all, with the first stirrings of love in his heart, the little castrated donkey had fallen for the unattainable her. It was truly tragic!
Wan Bi’s tone softened, losing its usual coldness or mockery. It carried a trace of gentleness rarely heard from her. “Don’t always think about dying. If you stay alive, good things will eventually happen. Once you’re dead, there’s truly nothing left.” Wan Bi suddenly wanted to be a little kinder to the little castrated donkey, to let the desperate and helpless creature see a glimmer of hope in life.
“Sometimes you work so hard on something, hoping for a good result… Hiccup!” Yao Xi let out a burp that reeked of alcohol to high heaven. Even from a distance, Wan Bi was so overwhelmed by the smell she had to cover her nose with a handkerchief. Yao Xi was in no state to care about her breach of etiquette before the throne. She continued, “But things often go against your wishes, don’t they?” Too drunk to sit steadily, Yao Xi swayed back and forth, giggling as she wobbled.
“…” Wan Bi felt not an ounce of empathy for Yao Xi’s words. For the most part, her life had been smooth sailing. Things almost never went against her wishes. Whenever she wanted something done, it always seemed to happen with effortless ease.
“See, you don’t get it, do you!” Yao Xi pointed a death-defying finger at Wan Bi and laughed mockingly.
You? These days, only Emperor Ming Cheng occasionally dared to use that word with her.5 Wan Bi sullenly drained her cup. The little castrated donkey was in such a state; no matter how displeased she was, she couldn’t bring herself to argue with him.
Following her master’s orders, Yuanqian reluctantly brought over a few small dishes.
Yao Xi’s stomach was churning. She instinctively wanted to eat something to suppress the taste of the wine, but her hands wouldn’t obey her. After a long struggle, she still hadn’t managed to pick up her chopsticks. Wan Bi grew anxious just watching. “Gugu, feed him a little,” she ordered Yuanqian. “By the time he picks up those chopsticks, it’ll be dark.”
As unwilling as she was, Yuanqian didn’t dare defy the order. She picked up her chopsticks, took a piece of food, and brought it to Yao Xi’s lips. But she played a little trick, picking up a Sichuan peppercorn6 along with the food and feeding it to Yao Xi as well.
Yao Xi opened her mouth and ate. After two chews, she suddenly shot up from her chair as if having a rabies attack, clawing at her own throat and hopping around the room, shouting, “Poison! There’s poison in the food!” Yao Xi felt she was about to die. The tip of her tongue was already numb from the poison, devoid of all sensation. In her extreme terror, she even sobered up a little.
“Your Majesty, save me!” Yao Xi cried out, a bit of her sanity restored. Then she stuck her fingers down her throat, trying to induce vomiting to get the poison out.
Wan Bi’s face turned cold. “Summon the Imperial Physician at once!” Ning’an Palace had only just quieted down, and someone had already snuck in to cause trouble again!
Yuanqian calmly leaned in and whispered in the Empress Dowager’s ear, “Don’t worry, Your Majesty. The Food-tasting Maid7 tried it before it was served. It can’t be poisoned. Yao Xi just ate a Sichuan peppercorn.” As she spoke, Yuanqian shot Yao Xi a contemptuous look. This is the little lover Tang Huaili has taken a fancy to? Utterly worthless.
Yao Xi remained lost in the sorrow of her own poisoning, unable to extricate herself.
“A Sichuan peppercorn?” Once she knew the truth, Wan Bi looked at Yao Xi’s agonized expression and couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “Gugu, you are too wicked. Stop scaring him. Tell him the truth!”
Just as Wan Bi was laughing, a soaking wet figure burst into the hall.
Yuanqian froze for a second. Not good, she thought. An assassin.
Wan Bi also froze. Not good, she thought. An assassin.
“Guards! Protect Her Majesty!” Yuanqian shouted.
But the rumble of thunder easily drowned out her voice. When Wan Bi was speaking with Emperor Ming Cheng or going over her accounts, she didn’t keep servants waiting in the hall. And today, with the thunderstorm, she had been inclined to let the servants go back to their own rooms to warm up by the fire and rest.
She never expected an assassin to show up at this exact moment. But then again, if not for such terrible weather, an assassin wouldn’t have been able to sneak in.
While Wan Bi was trying to think of a plan, Yao Xi, who just a moment ago had been in despair over a single peppercorn, suddenly charged the assassin as if her life meant nothing.
After rushing into the hall and seeing only two womenfolk and a frail-looking eunuch, the assassin had been feeling rather pleased with himself. He was just drawing his longsword and striking a pose, preparing to finish off the Demon Empress with a single strike. Who would have thought that a figure would suddenly rush him and wrap her arms around his waist? The assassin’s boots were soaked from the rain and extremely slippery. Knocked off balance by Yao Xi’s sudden impact, he slipped and fell to the floor.
Yao Xi’s reason for such fearless bravery was simple.
She thought she was about to die from poison, and she owed the Empress Dowager a life. No matter how the Empress Dowager scared her or played tricks on her, it was a fact that Her Majesty had saved her from Beauty Yu. Since she was going to die anyway, Yao Xi wanted to repay the debt she owed, to depart with a clean slate and a clear conscience.
Wan Bi was stunned.
She truly had not expected the little castrated donkey’s love for her to be so profound, to the point where he would disregard his own life to save her. She couldn’t help but feel a little moved. The little castrated donkey, who was usually such a coward, had charged the assassin and risked life and limb for her sake.
Footnotes
- Ancient Chinese ‘wine’ (jiǔ) was typically a fermented grain beverage, similar to ale or unfiltered sake, with a low alcohol by volume (ABV). This is contrasted with modern, high-proof distilled liquors.
- Erguotou (èrguōtóu) is a type of strong, distilled baijiu, a Chinese liquor, with an ABV typically between 40% and 60%. The protagonist, a transmigrator from the modern era, is comparing the weak ancient wine to this potent modern spirit.
- Side dishes to go with alcohol (xiàjiǔcài) are a staple of Chinese drinking culture, similar to tapas or bar snacks, meant to be eaten while drinking.
- A Chinese proverb (jiāng háishì lǎo de là) meaning that age brings experience, wisdom, or, in this case, cunning and ruthlessness.
- Using the informal ‘you’ (nǐ) when addressing a member of the imperial family, instead of a formal title or honorific, was a grave breach of etiquette punishable by death.
- Sichuan peppercorns (huājiāo) produce a unique tingling, numbing sensation in the mouth known as má, which Yao Xi mistakes for the effects of poison.
- A servant whose job was to taste all food and drink for poison before it was served to a high-ranking individual.
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