Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 33
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
Though her limbs wouldn’t obey, Yao Xi’s mind was perfectly clear. She knew she’d gotten herself drunk just to toast the Eldest Princess, and she also knew that if she listened to the princess and rested here until she sobered up, returning to Ning’an Palace would likely be more ominous than auspicious.
Never mind the Empress Dowager’s inscrutable temperament; she was now assigned to the Miscellaneous Affairs Room with a manager above her. Being absent for most of her first day on duty was completely unjustifiable. She would have to work under these people from now on, and Yao Xi didn’t dare offend anyone.
“Your Highness need not worry, this slave is not drunk. I just lost my footing for a moment…” Yao Xi propped herself up on the table and swayed, trying to make her way out.
“Er…” Longyi watched Yao Xi’s drunken state with great interest and offered a reminder. “Eunuch, perhaps you should untwist your tongue before you speak.”
Yao Xi reached the doorway, then suddenly stopped, leaning against the frame. She looked back at Princess Longyi and gave a goofy grin. “Could this slave borrow Your Highness’s bathhouse for a quick wash?”
She needed to clear her head. The drunkenness, sleepiness, and exhaustion were all surging up at once, threatening to devour her reason, and Yao Xi dared not surrender. If she accidentally fell asleep here and Her Highness, in an effort to make her more comfortable, ordered a eunuch to help her undress, she would be finished.
Longyi instructed the eunuch beside her, “Take Eunuch Yao to the bathhouse in the Rear Courtyard.”
Yao Xi couldn’t walk steadily and had to let the eunuch support her. When they reached the bathhouse door, she thanked him. “Thank you for your trouble, Eunuch.”
“The water has been drawn for you, Eunuch Yao. It’s right by the bathing tub. There’s hot and cold, so you can mix it yourself, right…?” Seeing that Yao Xi could barely walk and was slurring her words, the eunuch couldn’t help but worry that she might drown, and asked, “Should I stay and help you?”
“No need!” Yao Xi smiled and stumbled into the bathhouse, shutting the door with a thump and sliding the bolt home.
The bathhouse was filled with steam. Yao Xi’s first instinct wasn’t to mix the water and bathe, but to quickly let her two big white rabbits out for a breath of fresh air before they suffocated to death. With fumbling hands that wouldn’t obey, she clumsily undid her robes, then unwound the tightly wrapped chest binding cloth, layer by layer.
Relief! Fucking sweet relief! So this is what freedom feels like!
Leaning against the door, Yao Xi looked down at her newly liberated chest. Sob, sob, sob… There were bluish-red marks from the binding.
Stripped naked, she walked to the side of the bathing tub. Bracing herself on its rim, she picked up a gourd ladle, scooped up cold water, and poured it over her head.
Aaaaaaaah!!!!!
That single ladle of water washed away most of the drunkenness. Only after her head had cleared considerably did Yao Xi dare to step into the tub. She had to take this chance to wash herself thoroughly; she wouldn’t get such a good opportunity back at Ning’an Palace. Bathing was a huge problem, going to the latrine was fraught with danger, and the most difficult issue of all was that her period was due soon.
Back at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, she had lived in a room by herself, and it was easy to leave the palace. She would secretly buy some cotton wads and cotton cloths, bring them back to her room, and fashion them into usable pads.
When it came to her monthly affair, Yao Xi’s expenses were far greater than those of the palace maids. In ancient times, when women had their menses, they would mostly use white cloths sewn into a pouch and filled with plant ash,1 like a diaper. After use, the ash was dumped out, and the cloth pouch could be washed, dried, and reused.
She couldn’t quite accept the idea of plant ash, nor did she have the means to wash the cloth pouches. So, she always used cotton and cloth to sew something resembling an Auntie pad. She would then throw the used ones directly into the charcoal brazier to be burned to ash. Since what she threw out was just ashes, no one would naturally suspect a thing.
But while this method was safe and convenient, it had two fatal flaws.
First, it cost a lot of silver. Most of the money she earned since entering the palace was spent on her Auntie Flo.2
Second, for a few days every month, her room would be filled with the extremely unpleasant smell of something being incinerated.
But thinking about it now, none of that mattered. The most important thing was to stay alive.
The conditions at Ning’an Palace were much more difficult. Four people shared one room. What was she going to do when her period arrived? What was she going to do?
Yao Xi lay in the bathing tub, her face a mask of worry.
She had to find a solution, and fast. She had to solve her living situation before Auntie Flo came to visit.
“So happy one forgets Shu, are we?”3 Wan Bi was flipping through a book when she suddenly looked up at the doorway and uttered this cryptic phrase.
Maiden Yuanqian, who had been heartbroken for a full two hours, didn’t quite hear what the Empress Dowager said. Thinking her mistress had an order, she quickly pulled herself together and asked, “What did Your Majesty say?”
“Nothing!” Wan Bi glanced at the empty doorway. It seemed the little castrated donkey and Princess Longyi really did get along. At their first meeting, they drank and chatted for half the night, and now they were drinking together again. Perhaps this was what they meant by “when drinking with a true friend, a thousand cups are too few.”4
Longyi wanted to take that little thing Yao Xi to her fief? Dream on! Nothing she, Wan Bi, had taken a fancy to had ever been snatched away!
“Yuanqian!” Wan Bi tossed the book aside, feeling irritable. “Go to the storeroom and bring out a few jars of wine. The strongest ones!” If the little castrated donkey could drink so much, then she’d let him drink his fill!
Yuanqian was stunned. “Imperial Physician Fu instructed that Your Majesty must not drink strong liquor for the next few days.”
“Just go get it!” Wan Bi was feeling sullen. She felt like she was going mad. From the moment she’d opened her eyes this morning, she had been waiting for the little castrated donkey.
She’d wanted to practice her calligraphy to let the little castrated donkey open his eyes and, while he was at it, worship her a bit! But he went to Longyi’s place instead.
She’d read the letter some eunuch from the Directorate of Ceremonial had written to the little castrated donkey and wanted to see his reaction. But he stayed at Longyi’s place.
When she was bored, she wanted to tease the little castrated donkey. When she was tired of reading, she wanted to see the little castrated donkey. But he was still at Longyi’s place.
What time was it? Still out gallivanting? Had he forgotten he belonged to Ning’an Palace?
The little castrated donkey was the kind of slave who was annoying when he was always hovering around, but you started to miss him a little when he was gone for too long.
Wan Bi rarely missed any person or thing. This feeling of restless agitation was making her very uncomfortable, an unprecedented discomfort.
Suddenly, she sensed a dark figure in the doorway. Wan Bi looked up and saw Emperor Ming Cheng had arrived. As usual, Tang Huaili waited outside the hall and did not enter.
Seeing it was him, Wan Bi lowered her head coolly. “Didn’t I tell you? Your Majesty has no need to come pay respects every day. If you don’t find it a hassle, this bereaved one finds it annoying!”
Emperor Ming Cheng took a wine jug from Tang Huaili and stepped into the hall. “We have some troubles on Our mind and wished to speak with the Empress Dowager.”
Just then, Yuanqian and several other palace maids came in carrying two jars of wine. Emperor Ming Cheng smiled. “The Empress Dowager truly predicts things like a god. You even knew We wanted to have a drink with you and had the wine prepared.”
Wan Bi shot him a look. Predicts things like a god, my ass. She was in no mood to listen to his whining right now.
Hearing the Emperor say he wanted to drink with the Empress Dowager, Yuanqian tactfully exited the hall.
Tang Huaili gave Yuanqian a gentle smile and greeted her. “Maiden Yuanqian.” The Emperor had only brought him along today, and for some reason, the staff of Ning’an Palace were also absent. With only the two of them standing at the entrance, Tang Huaili dared to speak to her.
In truth, he didn’t need to say much. Just a simple greeting was enough to make him happy. They were both the most favored servants of their respective masters. And because they were so favored, they had to be on call for nearly all twenty-four hours of the day, ready to be summoned at any moment. Tang Huaili vaguely recalled that the last time he and Yuanqian had shared a meal at his private residence was several months ago. They had known each other for years, but the time they had truly spent together was scant.
Tang Huaili had long ago earned enough to build a family fortune. An ordinary eunuch might have taken his duishi partner and left the palace to live a quiet life. But he had accidentally climbed too high and couldn’t get down. The day he stepped down would not be a day of retirement to his hometown, but a day of death. Not to mention he still had so much to do: his old friend Lord Yao’s case, the futures of his several adopted sons, and Meng Delai glaring like a tiger at him… At these thoughts, Tang Huaili’s gaze fell on Yuanqian, full of sorrow. He had no idea when days like these would ever end.
“Heh—” Yuanqian let out a soft scoff and turned her gaze toward the distant mountains.
Sensing the shift in atmosphere, Tang Huaili asked softly, “What’s wrong? Did Her Majesty scold you?”
Yuanqian was miserable and didn’t want to stand with Tang Huaili at all, but she had to wait outside the hall in case the Empress Dowager had orders. With Tang Huaili pestering her, she worried someone might pass by and overhear. She had no choice but to whisper, “Why must Eunuch Tang feign ignorance?”
Tang Huaili wasn’t feigning. He was genuinely ignorant. He often felt that a woman’s mind was even harder to guess than an emperor’s.
Yuanqian didn’t want to talk anymore, afraid she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from crying. “This is not a convenient place to speak.” After saying this, she turned her gaze back to the distant mountains, tears already flooding her heart.
Emperor Ming Cheng, looking troubled, poured Wan Bi a cup of wine. As soon as it left the jar, he noticed the smell was off. “Strong liquor? Aren’t you forbidden from drinking this?”
He lifted Wan Bi’s cup to his nose, sniffed it, then moved it in front of himself. He took an empty cup and filled it for Wan Bi with the milder wine he had brought. “Empress Dowager, drink this. It won’t harm you.”
“This bereaved one isn’t drinking anything.” Wan Bi pushed the cup away. Whenever Emperor Ming Cheng drank, he would ramble on and on. Not only did he ramble, he liked to cry. Wan Bi was feeling irritable today and really didn’t want to listen to him pour out his woes again. It was always the same old thing anyway. “Are all you Fengs such drinkers? Longyi is the same, running off to Wangyue Pavilion in the middle of the night to get blind drunk. Why don’t you two siblings just get together and drink? Why must you inflict this on this bereaved one?”
Emperor Ming Cheng gave a bitter smile. “That girl Longyi would never drink with Us. The Empress Dowager knows she’s a solitary sort.”
Wan Bi said with utter sincerity, “This bereaved one is unwilling, too!”
“Why must the Empress Dowager’s mouth say yes while her heart says no? Come. We will first toast the Empress Dowager.” Emperor Ming Cheng raised his cup to drink.
“Don’t you dare drink!” Wan Bi’s head was starting to ache. “Your Majesty, do you truly not remember, or are you playing dumb? Do you have any idea what you do every time you get drunk? No impression at all?”
Emperor Ming Cheng froze, startled.
What does she mean? What did I do?
A terrible, absurd, unforgivable thought flashed through his mind… Could I have… lost control while drunk and… done that to Wan Bi?
Heavens!
New sorrows piled atop old ones! Although he had never thought of Wan Bi as his Mother Empress, he had always seen her as his Imperial Father’s woman. Even if his Imperial Father had never touched her before he died, the tenets of morality and ethics could not be violated! If something had really happened, then Wan Bi’s first time would have been…
Heavens!
Emperor Ming Cheng wanted to cry. He clutched his head in despair and asked Wan Bi, “Why didn’t you stop Us! We were drunk, but you weren’t!” Suddenly, an even worse thought occurred to him. Could it be that this girl, Wan Bi, has always been in love with me?
Is that why she rejected Imperial Father?
Heavens!
Emperor Ming Cheng was on the verge of losing his mind. The sky outside had suddenly changed. Thunder rumbled—rummmble—and his state of mind was much the same as the weather outside. Heaven’s thunder rolling! A torrential downpour!
Wan Bi said, looking as if she had nothing left to live for, “Stop you? How could this bereaved one stop you?” Every time he got drunk, he would grab her and just blabber on and on. Covering her ears was useless. It wasn’t like she could stuff something in his mouth, right? He was the Son of Heaven, after all. Wan Bi might talk back to him, but how could she dare lay a hand on the emperor? She wasn’t truly insane.
“If you couldn’t stop Us, you could have called for help! The servants of Ning’an Palace, the servants of Qianqing Palace!” Emperor Ming Cheng clutched his face, unable to look at Wan Bi. He truly couldn’t remember a thing, not the slightest impression. Every time he got drunk at Ning’an Palace, he would wake up the next day in Qianqing Palace. He had no memory of what happened in between.
“When have we ever had others present when we drink and chat? Besides, even if the servants had the courage of the heavens, they wouldn’t dare lay a hand on you, Your Majesty!” Wan Bi looked at him with utter disgust. “In any case, Your Majesty should not drink today. This bereaved one is really not in the mood.”
Not in the mood? Emperor Ming Cheng mustered his courage and looked at Wan Bi in disbelief. “The Empress Dowager means… you are not in the mood today… then… when have you ever been in the mood…?”
“Isn’t it because this bereaved one sometimes feels sorry for Your Majesty?” Wan Bi sighed. “Anyway, it’s not a big deal. I just endure it and it’s over. This bereaved one understands that the affairs of state are many and Your Majesty is under great pressure. It’s good for Your Majesty to occasionally… let off some steam with this bereaved one.”
Let off some steam? Emperor Ming Cheng was so frightened he nearly fainted. Wan Bi was this open-minded?
Footnotes
- Plant ash (cǎomùhuī) was a common and effective absorbent used in historical hygiene products before the availability of modern materials.
- Original: dà yímā (大姨妈). This is modern Chinese slang for one’s period, literally meaning ‘great aunt.’ The transmigrated protagonist uses this anachronistic term in her internal monologue.
- Original: lè bù sī Shǔ (乐不思蜀). An allusion to Liu Shan, the last emperor of the state of Shu. After his capture, he was so content in the enemy capital that he claimed he did not miss his homeland. It now means to be blissfully forgetful of one’s origins.
- Original: jiǔ féng zhījǐ qiān bēi shǎo (酒逢知己千杯少). A famous line from a Song dynasty poem, it has become a proverb meaning that when you are with a good friend, no amount of alcohol feels like enough.
0 Comments