Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 32
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
“Looks like the Directorate of Ceremonial’s salaries need adjusting!” Wan Bi glanced at the huge pile of gifts the palace maids had carried into the hall. The eunuch who sent these things to Yao Xi was certainly generous. It wasn’t just that the items were valuable; some were exceedingly rare, with few to be found even in the palace.
Yuanqian’s heart sank at the sight of the pile.
There were only a few eunuchs in the Directorate of Ceremonial who could produce such gifts. What made her sickest was a bolt of cloth with the exact same pattern as one Tang Huaili had given her. Only the color was different. The bolt before her was a more delicate shade; by comparison, hers seemed somewhat drab. To put it nicely, it was dignified and understated. To put it bluntly, it was staid and old-fashioned.
Gifts from a eunuch in the Directorate of Ceremonial…
Such a lavish hand…
The eunuchs guarding the gate of Ning’an Palace had greeted the errand-runner with beaming smiles…
And among the gifts was a cloth with the same pattern as her own…
Tang Huaili had explicitly told her this cloth was a new product from the Jiangnan Weaving Bureau. Only the palace consorts had it; it was absolutely unavailable on the market.
All the evidence pointed to one conclusion—Tang Huaili was cheating on her!
Yuanqian’s heart ached with a sour pain. She gave a cold laugh. “This slave-girl agrees. The Directorate of Ceremonial’s salaries should be lowered.”
Yuanqian knew that his official annual salary meant nothing to Tang Huaili, but she was furious. It was one thing if Tang Huaili wanted to break things off with her. It was another if he’d taken a liking to a pretty, delicate little eunuch. But what was the meaning of sending this cloth, mocking her for being old? As if he’d never been young himself! When she first met Tang Huaili, she hadn’t been much older than Yao Xi.
A clean break was for the best, anyway. It would save her from carrying her heart and hanging her gallbladder in front of Her Majesty the Empress Dowager all day. Yuanqian stood to the side, secretly letting her eyes turn red.
But Wan Bi’s eyes were sharp as a hawk’s. “Maiden, what’s wrong?” she asked with a soft chuckle.
“The wind got in my eyes.” Yuanqian looked up sorrowfully at the beams on the ceiling.
“What wind could there be inside the room?” Wan Bi looked at Yuanqian with pity. “This bereaved one knows you’re upset, and this one knows why. But matters of the heart can only be left to fate. When someone who suits your heart comes along, hold on tight. If you really can’t hold on, then let them go. You can’t force it.”
Yuanqian froze. Her Majesty knew all along? “Your Majesty, this slave-girl was wrong. This slave-girl only wants to serve Your Majesty with all her heart, and has no other thoughts!”
Wan Bi waved a hand dismissively. “Being in love doesn’t conflict with serving this bereaved one. Maiden, you’ve been alone for so many years without a single eunuch showing you any attention. It is only the common feelings of humanity to be envious of Yao Xi.”
Maiden Yuanqian’s heart settled. Thank goodness, Her Majesty doesn’t know about her and Tang Huaili.
“There’s no need to be envious.” Wan Bi shot a disdainful look at the pile of gifts. “If no one will send you gifts, then this bereaved one will bestow them upon you. Whatever Yao Xi has, you will have too, and this one will grant you ten times the amount.”
“This slave-girl thanks Your Majesty.” Yuanqian couldn’t bring herself to be happy. So Tang Huaili was cheating on her, and on top of that, Her Majesty the Empress Dowager had seen her as this pathetic all these years…
“Hand that letter to this bereaved one.” Wan Bi was seated at the desk where she practiced her morning calligraphy. She held out a hand to Yuanqian.
Yuanqian untied the letter that was bound to a gift box with a silk ribbon and presented it with both hands.
Wan Bi held the letter and hesitated for a moment. She could just rip it open; a slave should have no secrets from their master. But after a moment’s thought, she said to Yuanqian, “Bring a candle.”
The letter was sealed with paste. By brushing a layer of water over it with a calligraphy brush and then warming it over a candle, one could open it so that neither gods nor ghosts would be aware.
“Your Majesty… you’re so practiced…” Yuanqian watched her mistress’s technique, done in one breath. This was clearly not her first time doing something like this.
“I got good by secretly reading the Late Emperor’s confidential letters,” Wan Bi said, not without a touch of pride.
“Your Majesty!” Yuanqian shot a terrified look at the doorway. “You mustn’t speak such nonsense!”
Wan Bi laughed as she warmed the letter. “What’s there to fear? Afraid someone will go report this bereaved one to the Late Emperor? Not only would it be useless, but if someone really wanted to go, this one wouldn’t mind personally sending them on their way.” Wan Bi took the letter back, laid it flat on the desk, and pinched the seal with her fingertips. While it was still warm, she gently lifted it up. “There!”
“Yuanqian, go watch the door. Let this one know when the person who delivered gifts to Princess Longyi returns.” Wan Bi’s heart pounded with excitement as she pulled the thick stack of paper from the envelope. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. The handwriting isn’t bad. This is an educated eunuch.” Wan Bi scanned the characters on the page. Ever since she’d seen the little castrated donkey’s writing, everyone else’s calligraphy looked to have clear brows and elegant eyes by comparison.
Yuanqian, standing by the door, was heartbroken to hear it. Many eunuchs in the palace were literate, but few could be called educated. Tang Huaili, of course, was one of them.
They had been together for so many years, yet she had never received a letter from him, let alone heard more than a few sweet words. She never expected that when chasing after a younger man, he would come up with so many refurbished patterns. He’d even sent gifts to Ning’an Palace so brazenly, unafraid of gossip, and had even learned to write such cloyingly sentimental love letters.
Yuanqian really wanted to cry. But she couldn’t. The Empress Dowager would think she was shedding tears of loneliness. What if, out of the goodness of her heart, Her Majesty decided to arrange a marriage for her? That would be the end.
Wan Bi began to read the letter.
“Ee~” Wan Bi frowned.
“Tsk, tsk, tsk~” Wan Bi’s face turned red.
“Aiyowei~” Wan Bi looked like she wanted to cover her eyes.
Slap! “Whoosh—” Wan Bi slammed the letter down on the table and let out a long breath. Finally finished.
Incidents of cut sleeves and shared peaches1 were not uncommon in the palace, and everyone was long accustomed to them. There were so many eunuchs in the Twenty-Four Offices, but only so many palace maids. Moreover, palace maids either hoped to leave the palace and marry when they came of age, or they hoped to be favored by the emperor and be promoted to a minor consort. Not many were willing to enter into a duishi2 with a eunuch. Even when they did, it was with a eunuch who had some power and face. Someone like that palace maid from Zhongling Palace who was involved with Yao Xi was simply willingly falling from grace!
But everyone had feelings and desires. It wasn’t necessarily lust; everyone had emotional needs. To put it plainly, everyone needed a companion. If they couldn’t find a palace maid for a duishi, some eunuchs would leave the palace to find prostitutes in the East or West districts. Many more, however, would become contracted brothers.3
Wan Bi had no particular opinion on the matter. Slaves were people too. As long as it didn’t interfere with their duties, what was the big deal about finding a companion?
Still, this letter made her old face blush. Besides all the warm words, soft speech, oaths of the sea, and vows of the mountains, the letter also contained an apology to Yao Xi. An apology for what? For, in a moment of impulse, nearly… doing that to the little castrated donkey. The little castrated donkey clearly had a temper; he had given that eunuch from the Directorate of Ceremonial a slap and a kick.
From the letter’s tone, it was clear that the eunuch was smitten with the little castrated donkey. Unfortunately, the falling flowers were willing, but the flowing water was heartless. It made sense. The little castrated donkey was already involved with that palace maid from Zhongling Palace, so how could he possibly choose a eunuch? If it were her, she would choose the palace maid too.
Reading the letter, Wan Bi could imagine the pitiful sight of the little castrated donkey struggling beneath that eunuch, but she still couldn’t picture him together with that palace maid.
The little castrated donkey was just too effeminate, too frail to withstand a gust of wind!
Still, the thought that the little castrated donkey had nearly been forced made a dark fire smolder in Wan Bi’s heart. Matters of love had always been about being “you are willing, I am willing.” How dare that eunuch from the Directorate of Ceremonial rely on his bit of power to act so recklessly. Before, when the little castrated donkey wasn’t in Ning’an Palace, she wouldn’t have cared. But since he had entered Ning’an Palace, this one would have to be the judge for him.
Wan Bi had also wanted to deal with that eunuch surnamed Liao from the Bureau of Imperial Gardens for the little donkey’s sake, but unfortunately, the little donkey was not striving and hadn’t managed to accomplish anything. She had wanted to use rewards as a way to give him some prestige, but she couldn’t find a proper excuse.
“Your Majesty, the person has returned.” Yuanqian still wore a melancholy expression. She did not want to see Yao Xi right now. She hadn’t had a bad impression of Yao Xi before, but it was a pity that from now on, when they met, it would be a case of love rivals meeting, faces are especially red.
Hearing this, Wan Bi quickly folded the letter along its original creases, stuffed it back in the envelope, and, unable to find any paste, steeled herself and licked the flap. After sealing it, she swiftly tossed it back into the pile of gifts.
Having completed this in a flurry, Wan Bi calmly picked up her tea and rinsed her mouth. Egh~ It tasted of paste.
The maiden who had delivered the gifts to Princess Longyi returned to the hall to report. “Your Majesty, the items have been delivered.”
Wan Bi gave a slight nod. “Have Yao Xi come in.”
The maiden replied, “Princess Longyi said she wishes to borrow Eunuch Yao for half a day. This slave-girl and the others came back first.”
“Did the Princess say what she was borrowing him for?” Wan Bi was slightly displeased. Don’t you need permission to borrow something? She just says she’s borrowing him and takes him away? Is that borrowing or robbing?
The maiden said, “The Princess said she was keeping Eunuch Yao for a drink…”
Wan Bi waved her hand, dismissing the maiden.
The little castrated donkey was certainly busy! He was involved with a palace maid from Zhongling Palace, had a eunuch from the Directorate of Ceremonial chasing him from behind, and now, in the time it took to deliver some gifts, he was drinking with Princess Longyi.
When only she and Yuanqian were left in the hall, Wan Bi said with a cold face, “That eunuch from the Directorate of Ceremonial has asked Yao Xi to meet him tonight, at the third quarter of the Xu hour,4 in the peach grove in front of Ning’an Palace. Maiden, you will accompany this bereaved one to have a look.” She was a person who loved a good show. She was also worried that the eunuch wouldn’t behave himself. With the little castrated donkey’s fierce temper, if he were truly defiled, he would surely seek death and look for life.
Yuanqian could only let the tears flow inward. She really didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to see, didn’t want to hear. Why was she being forced to go catch them in the act! Why did she have to witness such a cruel scene with her own eyes!
At that moment, the philandering Eunuch Yao was busy pushing cups and exchanging goblets with Princess Longyi.
Her Highness the Princess had bestowed a great honor, and Yao Xi did not dare to refuse, but nor did she dare to forget herself. She knew her own alcohol tolerance, and in the palace, one had to stay sharp at all times. So Yao Xi was only drinking along, making a show of raising her cup but not actually drinking much.
Longyi’s goal wasn’t to drink, either. “Did the Empress Dowager say why she had you send these things over?” It wasn’t a festival or her birthday. Longyi couldn’t figure it out. After the people from Ning’an Palace had left, she had someone open the chests for a quick look. They were all very ordinary things—cloth, decorations, jade, gold, and silver.
How could Yao Xi possibly know the Empress Dowager’s thoughts? She was just a menial servant in Ning’an Palace. “This slave does not know.”
Longyi smiled and picked up the wine pot to pour for Yao Xi. Yao Xi scrambled to his feet to take the pot, but Longyi stopped her. “Eunuch, you don’t seem as at ease with this palace as you were when we first met.”
Isn’t that obvious? she thought. When we first met, I thought you were just some minor consort in a bad mood. I would never have guessed you were the Eldest Princess! Besides, I was determined to die that day. If I wasn’t afraid of death, why would I care about the hierarchy between master and servant? Even if the Queen Mother of the West had descended from the heavens, in my state of mind back then, I wouldn’t have flinched.
Things were different now. After weathering the storm, her life had stabilized, and the will to live had returned. She no longer dared to do things that courted death.
“This slave had eyes but no pupils that day. I beg Your Highness the Princess not to take offense.” Yao Xi raised her cup to toast Princess Longyi, downing it in one go.
Longyi also drained her cup and smiled. “This palace actually finds you more endearing that way. Do you truly not know why the Empress Dowager sent those things?”
Yao Xi nodded with sincerity. “When Her Majesty has an errand, she gives her orders to the maidens. This slave just follows instructions and does not dare to ask questions.”
“Mm.” Longyi could see that Yao Xi genuinely didn’t know, so she didn’t press further. Whatever Wan Bi was plotting, she would simply see a move, dismantle a move. “Which Yao family are you from, Eunuch? I have an old acquaintance who is also surnamed Yao and bears a slight resemblance to you. I wonder if your families are related?”
Which Yao family? How would I know! The story she’d used to fool the Empress Dowager made a reappearance. “This slave’s family members passed away early. I was abducted by traffickers as a child. This name was just something they made up.”
“It is truly a wonder that such a coincidence could exist in this world.” Longyi smiled again. “This palace dares not keep you for too long. One more cup, and I will have someone escort you back!”
“This slave can return on his own.” Yao Xi finished the last cup of wine and rose to bow to Princess Longyi, but she nearly lost her footing and pitched headfirst onto the table.
“It’s not as if this palace hasn’t seen your alcohol tolerance before.” Longyi was amused by the stumbling Yao Xi. “You’ve only had a cup and a half, yet you’re even more drunk than I imagined. If you return to Ning’an Palace like this, you’ll likely be punished. Rest here for now. You can go back once you’ve sobered up!”
Footnotes
- Original: duànxiù fēntáo (断袖分桃). A pair of classical allusions for male homosexuality. ‘Cut sleeve’ refers to an emperor who cut his sleeve rather than wake his male lover. ‘Sharing a peach’ refers to a courtier who shared a half-eaten peach with his duke as a sign of intimacy.
- A duì shí (对食) was a pseudo-marriage or exclusive romantic partnership between a eunuch and a palace maid.
- Original: jié qì xiōngdì (结契兄弟). A formal partnership between two eunuchs, which could range from a close platonic brotherhood to a romantic relationship.
- The third kè of the xū hour (戌时三刻). In the traditional Chinese timekeeping system, this is approximately 8:45 PM.
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