Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 30
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
When the men sent to Zai County to investigate returned to the palace to report, Wan Bi was still at her evening meal. She had seen how heartily Yao Xi ate earlier, and it had made her eat an extra portion herself.
Yao Xi was brewing tea nearby. She had just declared that she would serve Her Majesty the Empress Dowager in front of the saddle and behind the horse,1 pouring tea and fetching water—pledging loyalty with words alone was not enough. Since Her Majesty had magnanimously spared her, she had to perform even better. She didn’t dare take on a task like food tasting, but brewing tea was fine.
The investigator reported from outside the hall. Maiden Yuanqian went out, exchanged a few words with the man, and came back in. Wan Bi raised a hand, signaling for the serving maids to stop. She accepted a warm, damp handkerchief from a maid, cleaned her hands, and then said to the room, “All of you, leave.”
Yao Xi was just tending to the charcoal in the tea stove. Hearing Her Majesty’s command, she quickly put down the bronze tongs and followed the others outside to wait. She guessed that the men Her Majesty had sent to investigate the missing silver had returned. She just didn’t know the result—would she be cleared of wrongdoing, or would she be forced to carry the pot2 for someone else?
Once everyone had left, Yuanqian spoke. “Your Majesty, it’s been investigated. The two thousand taels of silver were falsely reported by the Zai County Magistrate. The numbers now match the recount, short five hundred taels of silver and one thousand five hundred taels in silver notes.”
Wan Bi secretly breathed a sigh of relief. The little castrated donkey was honest enough. He looked a bit stupid, but he got the job done quickly and meticulously, without any mistakes.
“Falsely reported?” Wan Bi was baffled by the Zai County Magistrate’s foolishness. “Did he say why he did it?” He had already coughed up two hundred thousand taels, yet he quibbled over a mere two thousand?
“He said he truly couldn’t scrape together the full two hundred thousand. Someone in his family was ill, and the daily expenses for the entire household are not small. He thought Your Majesty wouldn’t check the accounts, so he falsely reported the two thousand taels. He never even managed to gather over a thousand of it, and he pocketed the remaining few hundred taels himself.” Yuanqian relayed the investigator’s report in full detail.
“He thought this bereaved one wouldn’t check?” Wan Bi gave a cold laugh and commanded, “Send someone back to Zai County to relay my decree. Tell him that this bereaved one will not pursue the matter, and that he should conduct himself accordingly.”
“Shouldn’t we make him pay back the silver?”
“No need. If his family’s coffers weren’t empty, he wouldn’t have dared to deceive his superior. If I push him any further, he’ll just end up fleecing the common people of Zai County. If this blows up, it will be impossible to contain. It’s not worth it for a paltry two thousand taels.” Wan Bi paused. “But Lord State Uncle… to so easily produce three million taels in a single night. It seems there’s still plenty of room to squeeze him!”
In his residence, Zhu Xiangchang, who was eating with his family, suddenly let out several sneezes.
Second Young Master Zhu laughed. “I wonder who’s thinking of Father.”
The Minister’s Wife also chimed in with a smile, “Who else could it be? It must be our Empress, Her Majesty, missing her family.”
Only Zhu Xiangchang couldn’t manage a smile. A full three million taels!
Back in Ning’an Palace, Yuanqian nodded and gave her next report. “There are also results from the investigation at the Imperial Household Department that Your Majesty ordered. They couldn’t find Yao Xi’s file. The people there said the archive had a fire at the beginning of the year, and many of the eunuchs’ files were lost. They are in the process of recreating them.”
“It doesn’t matter if they can’t find it. That slave was sold into the palace by others; how much truth could be in his file anyway? What needs to be managed is the process for eunuchs entering the palace. How dare they take a knife to a boy drugged and sold by human traffickers without his consent.” Wan Bi thought of the little castrated donkey’s history: losing his parents at a young age, being abducted and sold, then turned into a eunuch without his knowledge… No wonder the little castrated donkey refused to be touched and was always trying to kill himself. Perhaps he felt life was too bitter, with nothing to live for.
Wan Bi suddenly wanted to give the little castrated donkey, who had suffered his whole life, a taste of something sweet. “Arrange for Yao Xi to officially begin his duties in Ning’an Palace tomorrow.”
“Yes. As you wish, Master. What duties should I assign him?”
“You may handle it as you see fit.” Wan Bi wanted to keep the little castrated donkey close by, to summon at will. She could tease him when she was bored, send him on errands when she had tasks, and even if she gave no commands at all, just looking at that pretty face would put her in a good mood. But she couldn’t say so directly; it would seem strange and she would lose face. Everyone knew she detested eunuchs, and that clueless little castrated donkey had publicly embarrassed her several times.
She trusted the tacit understanding she had built with Yuanqian over their many years as master and servant. Some things only needed to be hinted at; Yuanqian would handle the rest.
Handle it as you see fit? A master’s heart is a needle at the bottom of the sea.3 Yuanqian was in a difficult position. The master wanted her to figure it out on her own. Her Majesty had brought Yao Xi back to Ning’an Palace, so she must have some fondness for the little eunuch. Therefore, the duties couldn’t be too arduous. But letting Yao Xi serve inside the main hall was too risky. Her Majesty had never allowed a eunuch to attend her personally since entering the palace. Besides, Yao Xi’s personality was too rash. Serving at Her Majesty’s side, he would inevitably anger her. If Her Majesty was constantly provoked, one day her patience would snap and she would order Yao Xi’s death…
Maiden Yuanqian thought long and hard. Considering both Her Majesty’s health and Yao Xi’s life, Yuanqian finally decided to place Yao Xi in a position where he wouldn’t have to appear before Her Majesty often, but would still be conveniently available for summons.
And so, thanks to Maiden Yuanqian’s good intentions, Yao Xi became a glorious menial servant in the Miscellaneous Affairs Room of Ning’an Palace.
This was just as she had imagined. The eunuchs in Ning’an Palace were either guards or menial servants. A menial servant was like a brick, moved wherever needed. If she was lucky, she might get the cushy job of delivering Her Majesty’s gifts to the masters of the other palaces, and she could even get a lot of silver in tips!
Yao Xi shook off the emotional instability that came with constantly teetering on the edge of life and death, and slowly rediscovered her sense of purpose.
Save money! Leave the palace!
Just as Her Majesty the Empress Dowager had said, a slave’s life was not their own. Whether one lived well or poorly depended entirely on the master’s mood. Her Majesty was not an easy-going master like the Noble Lady Lan of the rumors, and she loved to frighten people with her words. In Her Majesty’s presence, one’s heart was always in one’s throat, never knowing a moment of peace.
Yao Xi was very satisfied with the job Maiden Yuanqian had assigned her. She had the protection of Ning’an Palace without having to live in constant fear before Her Majesty.
After leaving the main hall, Yao Xi followed the directions a palace maid gave her and went to the side rooms in the front courtyard. This was where the eunuchs of Ning’an Palace slept.
Servants’ quarters were usually communal sleeping platforms.4 The small, private room Yao Xi had at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens was the kind of fine accommodation that only a manager at the Assistant Director level or above could be assigned. If not for someone showing her special favor, a rankless menial servant like her would never have gotten it. Ordinary little eunuchs were all squeezed onto one large communal platform.
There were so many servants in the palace; it was impossible for everyone to have their own room.
Yao Xi’s heart was filled with apprehension on the way to the side rooms. Sleeping on a communal platform would be extremely inconvenient for her. If she ran into a roommate with wandering hands, there would be nowhere to hide…
She carried her lantern to the eastern side room and raised a hand to knock.
Rustle, rustle. Sounds came from within the room. Then the door opened, and a thin figure stood in the doorway.
“It’s you?” Yao Xi was overjoyed. The one who opened the door was the little eunuch who had helped her during the day. Seeing it was Yao Xi, he also breathed a sigh of relief. “Eunuch, how did you know I lived here?”
“I’ll be living here from now on, too,” Yao Xi said as she entered the room.
The living conditions in Ning’an Palace were quite good. It was four people to a room, and each person had their own bed and cabinet, with a shared table and chairs. Yao Xi blew out her lantern and glanced at the four beds in the room. None of them were empty. If they were all occupied, where was she supposed to sleep? They wouldn’t make her share with someone, would they?
“Is this room full?” Yao Xi felt a little uneasy.
“No,” the little eunuch said timidly, pointing to the bed on the right side of the entrance. “That one is unoccupied, but someone has piled their things on it.”
Since the owners weren’t there, Yao Xi didn’t feel it was right to move their belongings. So, she started chatting with the little eunuch. “Eunuch, how should I address you?”
The little eunuch brought a tattered bamboo chair for Yao Xi, handed her a cup of tea, and then sat on a stool himself to talk with her. Only then did Yao Xi learn that this soft and cute little eunuch was two years younger than her. His name was Meng Li’an. His family had been well-off locally, but after his parents died, his uncle paid to have him sent into the palace. His uncle did this to seize his family’s property and evade taxes.
Both had been harmed by greedy relatives and forced into the palace. Yao Xi couldn’t help but feel a greater sense of goodwill toward this little eunuch named Meng Li’an.
“There are two other people living here, but they’re night-duty eunuchs. They leave late and come back early, so we usually don’t run into them. If you do…” The little eunuch lowered his head and mumbled, “Don’t provoke them. Those two are not easy to get along with.”
Yao Xi remembered Meng Li’an saying he had been publicly humiliated. She didn’t press for details, just nodded gratefully. “Are the things on that bed theirs?” she asked.
Meng Li’an nodded again. “Mhm, you can’t touch them. If you don’t mind, you can make do on my bed for one night.”
Yao Xi couldn’t sleep. Her chest had been bound for two whole days and felt like it was about to explode. “Where do people usually bathe?”
“The bathhouse is to the west. The latrine is to the left as you exit.” The little eunuch thought for a moment, then added, “If you don’t want to share with others, you can go during the Yin Hour.5 That’s when it’s most empty.”
Yao Xi gave up on that idea. Relieving herself was one thing; that could be done quickly. But for bathing, she’d rather go back to the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. Now that she was working in Ning’an Palace, no one should dare touch her old room. But as long as Liao Bing wasn’t dealt with, she wouldn’t dare go back for a single day. And Her Majesty the Empress Dowager… she had painted Liao Bing as such a villain and herself as so pitiful, yet Her Majesty had remained completely unmoved. She had no sense of justice at all.
Yao Xi returned the teacup to Meng Li’an, stood up, and moved all the junk piled on the empty bed onto the floor. Then she took a mattress pad from the cabinet, spread it out, and prepared for sleep.
Meng Li’an watched from the side, dumbfounded. “Eunuch Yao, quickly put their things back! You can sleep in my bed. If they find out, they won’t let you off. Their ways of tormenting people are very nasty…”
Yao Xi didn’t stop what she was doing. She deftly made the bed, then stood up and smiled at Meng Li’an. “Didn’t you say they’re night-duty eunuchs and we’ll rarely run into them? Besides, with bullies like that, it’s not like they’ll leave us alone just because we hide and avoid them. They don’t need a reason to bully people.”
At this, Yao Xi suddenly remembered that Her Majesty the Empress Dowager also seemed to have said she didn’t need a reason to kill people. Sigh, Her Majesty is a tyrant, too!
“Li’an-di, you’ve never provoked them, have you? And what was the result?” Yao Xi felt more confident in Ning’an Palace than she had at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. The people at the bureau were all in it together, but Ning’an Palace had a master.
Meng Li’an fell silent. It was true. The more cautious he was, the more those two escalated their torment.
“Hurry and get some sleep! We have to work tomorrow,” Yao Xi said, patting Meng Li’an’s shoulder. “If they bully you again, I’ll help you beat them up. Two against two, we might not lose.” Yao Xi glanced at Meng Li’an’s small, frail frame, which was about the same as hers, then recognized reality and added comfortingly, “It’s okay if we lose, too. We can still report them to the master. At worst, we each get a caning, and no one gets off easy.”
Early the next morning, Wan Bi had Yuanqian lay out paper and grind ink. She wrote for a while, wanting the little castrated donkey to see it when he arrived and learn how calligraphy should be written. They say one’s handwriting reflects one’s character,6 and the little castrated donkey’s stick-figure scrawl was truly unworthy of that face.
Wan Bi was very confident in her own calligraphy. When she had first entered the palace, it was actually quite average. At home, her father had doted on her too much and couldn’t bear to push her too hard. Whether it was academics or the four arts of the scholar, he let her follow her whims, so she had only ever dabbled. Her current fine hand was purely a result of having too much free time after entering the palace. It wasn’t just calligraphy; many of her skills had improved.
Wan Bi was keen to show off in front of the little castrated donkey, but she didn’t want to be too obvious about it. She wrote with an expression as calm as still water, but inwardly she was cursing: Where the hell did that little castrated donkey die off to? What time is it? Why isn’t he here for duty yet!
“Yuanqian. Have any of the slaves on duty today been late?” Wan Bi threw down her brush and rubbed her sore hand. It had been a long time since she’d written for so long. It really hurt!
Yuanqian thought for a moment and replied, “To answer Your Majesty, no.”
“Why haven’t I seen Yao Xi? What job did you assign him?” Wan Bi asked, feigning nonchalance.
“He was assigned to the Miscellaneous Affairs Room to await orders,” Yuanqian replied.
“And where is he?”
“With the other eunuchs, carrying the things you ordered to be sent with Princess Longyi to her fiefdom.”
“…” Wan Bi shot Yuanqian a cold glance.
Yuanqian asked uneasily, “Did this slave-girl do something wrong?”
“No. Maiden did very well.” Wan Bi crumpled the paper she had just written on into a ball and threw it away.
Footnotes
- Original: ānqiánmǎhòu (鞍前马后). An idiom meaning to wait on someone hand and foot, following them everywhere to serve them.
- To “carry the pot” (bei guo) is modern Chinese slang for taking the blame for someone else.
- Original: zhǔzi xīn hǎidǐ zhēn (主子心海底针). A variation on the common proverb ‘a woman’s heart is a needle at the bottom of the sea’ (nǚrén xīn hǎidǐ zhēn), meaning that a person’s thoughts are inscrutable and impossible to fathom.
- Original: tōngpù (通铺). A large, shared bed, often a heated brick platform known as a ‘kang,’ common in barracks, inns, or servants’ quarters.
- The Yin Hour (yín shí, 寅时) is the period between 3 AM and 5 AM in the traditional Chinese timekeeping system.
- Original: zì rú qí rén (字如其人). A common Chinese idiom suggesting that a person’s calligraphy is a reflection of their personality and inner character.
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