Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 29

by Little Panda

The Empress Dowager is So Wicked

Perhaps it wasn’t that the Empress Dowager lacked self-awareness, but that to her, the palace maids and eunuchs of Ning’an Palace were just little white mice¹ whose deaths she wouldn’t even find regrettable.

Dish after dish was brought up from the small kitchen, and Yao Xi waited by the table with a pained expression. Logically, poisoning was a low-probability event, so she really shouldn’t have been too worried. But after one unlucky incident after another these past few days, Yao Xi didn’t feel in the least that Lady Luck would be smiling upon her.

Maiden Yuanqian personally handed her the chopsticks. This maiden is the real executioner!

Yao Xi accepted the silver chopsticks with both hands, a wave of sorrow washing over her. Forget it. I’ll just treat this as my last supper. I haven’t eaten anything this exquisite since entering the palace. I should be content to at least have a taste before I die. A smile that had seen through the vanities of the world appeared on Yao Xi’s lips, a smile tinged with the excitement of someone drooling with anticipation.²

The food on the table was for the masters, so the food tasting³ required two pairs of chopsticks: one silver, one bamboo. First, one used the silver chopsticks to move a piece of food into a small saucer. Then, one used the bamboo chopsticks to eat the food from the saucer. After a period of observation, if the food taster showed no adverse reactions, the masters could begin to eat with peace of mind.

Usually, a food-tasting eunuch from the Directorate of Imperial Cuisine was responsible for this task. But the Empress Dowager loathed eunuchs, so the job of poison-testing in Ning’an Palace had long been performed by a food-tasting palace maid of her own appointment.

Yao Xi was a pessimist. She used to be an optimist, but after encountering so much misfortune, she had gradually developed the awareness to live every moment as if it were her last. The Empress Dowager’s words just now had especially made her feel that her future was precarious and uncertain. It was true that the Empress Dowager was a powerful backer,⁴ but this powerful backer’s temper was impossible to predict. She could turn hostile in an instant. They would be chatting pleasantly one moment, and she would suddenly be making threats the next.

Thus, Yao Xi’s food tasting was somewhat tragic and heroic, performed with the resolve of one facing certain death.

The food was delicious. It was a kind of deliciousness Yao Xi had never experienced in either of her two lives. Ancient cuisine lacked the variety of spices available in the modern era, which in turn preserved the most authentic flavors of the food. Furthermore, because food was scarce in ancient times, people cooked with a sense of reverence. Add to that the fact that this was an imperial meal prepared by a highly skilled royal chef, and the flavors exploded on Yao Xi’s tongue, one after another, impossible to stop.

Normally, a food taster only took a single bite. Yao Xi also took a single bite—it was just that her single bite was a little on the large side. Imperial cuisine focused on refinement, so the portions were never large. With one scoop of Yao Xi’s chopsticks, half a dish would disappear.

Of course, she was doing it on purpose.

This was a job she couldn’t afford to do too well. What if the Empress Dowager took a liking to her and had her test for poison at every meal from now on? Just because one meal wasn’t poisoned didn’t mean none of them would be. Food tasting was a high-risk profession; there was no retirement, only dying in the line of duty. Yao Xi deliberately ate like a slob, hoping to extinguish any thought the Empress Dowager might have of making her taste her food again.

Before long, the dishes on the table were a complete mess.

She wasn’t afraid of the Empress Dowager’s blame, either. If the food was poisoned, she would die. If the matter of the silver wasn’t cleared up, she would also die. And if her female identity was discovered, that was a death sentence on top of a death sentence. In this state of despair, Yao Xi used the opportunity of food tasting to feast, ravaging the table with one huge bite after another.

If I’m doomed to die tonight, I might as well die a full ghost! That was what Yao Xi thought, and that was what she did.

Wan Bi propped her chin on her hand, watching Yao Xi with a blank expression. Was this little castrated donkey tasting her food, or was he having a meal?

Yuanqian could not watch any longer. She reminded her from the side, “Eunuch Yao!!!”

Yao Xi had just finished tasting the last dish. She put down her chopsticks and reported to the Empress Dowager, “Reporting to Master, this slave has finished tasting.”

“Finished tasting? This bereaved one thinks you’ve finished eating your fill!” Wan Bi said, looking at the table of leftovers.

Yao Xi burped. “This slave was afraid that if I tasted too little and the poison wasn’t strong, I wouldn’t be able to tell if there was any.” She burped again.

Wan Bi glanced at the leftovers on the table again, on the verge of anger. But then she remembered that no one had taught the little castrated donkey the rules of food tasting, so she didn’t blame him. “You can eat the rest, Eunuch. Consider it a farewell meal⁵ from this bereaved one.”

Yao Xi hesitated for a moment. Seeing that the Empress Dowager wasn’t joking, she picked up her bamboo chopsticks again and asked tentatively, “Then… this slave will really eat it all?”

In her year at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, Yao Xi had developed a bad habit of eating without any table manners, wolfing down her food. She couldn’t be blamed. The work at the Bureau was heavy, and as a slave, she had no set work hours. When a manager called, she had to act immediately, whether she was eating or sleeping. Being late meant getting a beating. She, however, had never been beaten, which could be considered a benefit of her connection to Zheng Dayun.

But eating too slowly meant going hungry, and she was at an age where she was still growing. So she would seize every moment to shovel food down, not caring about digestion. The priority was to stuff it in her stomach first.

“Are you really eating as if there’s no tomorrow?” Wan Bi found herself watching Yao Xi eat with great interest; it was even whetting her own appetite. She had been joking about the farewell meal, but the way the little castrated donkey ate truly looked as if this was his last.

Yao Xi struggled to swallow the huge mouthful of delicious food and gave the Empress Dowager a smile. “How would this slave know? Whether there is a next meal is entirely up to Your Majesty.”

Wan Bi nodded with a satisfied smile. “It’s good that you know, Eunuch. This bereaved one can tell you for certain right now: there is no next meal!”

Yao Xi glanced at the Empress Dowager and gave a silly smile, continuing to eat with her head down, unconcerned. A farewell meal, no next meal… Her Majesty was just trying to scare her again.

“This bereaved one said there is no next meal for you!” Wan Bi had said this expecting to see Yao Xi burst into tears, but she had no reaction at all, which left her feeling a bit frustrated. The little castrated donkey was quite the crybaby; the slightest fright would usually send him wailing like a ghost. And she just so happened to enjoy watching him cry the most. She also found it amusing when the little castrated donkey showed some backbone, but that was on the condition that his spine was directed at others. In her presence, it was better for him to be completely obedient.

Yao Xi spoke while eating, “This slave heard you. In any case, it’s not up to this slave to decide. If Your Majesty says there isn’t one, then there isn’t one!” It wasn’t that Yao Xi had seen through life and death and no longer feared it; rather, she had figured out the Empress Dowager’s nature. The more afraid she acted, the more the Empress Dowager would scare her. Perhaps if she pretended to be completely unconcerned, Her Majesty would lose interest in teasing her?

Yao Xi guessed wrong. Wan Bi was the type of person who, if she saw you weren’t afraid, would keep scaring you until you were.

“In that case, Eunuch, after you finish your meal, you should return to your room to rest early, or perhaps say goodbye to your acquaintances. It no longer matters whether you took the silver or not. Tomorrow morning, this bereaved one will order someone to send you on your way,” Wan Bi said with a serious expression. She wanted to see if the little castrated donkey was truly not afraid of death.

“Your Majesty, why…” Yao Xi felt like she might have overplayed her hand.

Wan Bi sneered. “Does this bereaved one need a reason to kill a slave?”

There didn’t seem to be any flaw in that logic…

“Then… can this slave choose his own method of death?” Yao Xi asked, settling for the next best thing. She blinked, looking at the Empress Dowager with a hopeful expression.

Wan Bi was rarely stared at so directly, especially by a eunuch. What was even more frightening was that she didn’t find the little castrated donkey’s gaze repulsive at all. Could it be that I, like Emperor Ming Cheng, am also someone who only cares about looks? Had it been any other eunuch, Wan Bi would have had his eyes gouged out. But this little castrated donkey was staring at her with wide, teary eyes full of longing, and not only did she not feel repulsed, she actually found it rather enjoyable.

“How do you wish to die?” Wan Bi asked with a cold taunt.

“This slave wishes to serve you hand and foot, pouring your tea and water, and waiting on you for a lifetime until I die of old age,” Yao Xi declared with solemn conviction.

Wan Bi shot Yao Xi a look that was half a smile. The little castrated donkey had really grown up. His skill at flattery and begging for mercy had improved.

After everyone had left, Noble Lady Lan gently closed the door to the South Room. The room, already dim, grew even darker. She took out a fire starter⁶ and lit the oil lamp, then lifted a chair and placed it softly by the bed. Smoothing her skirt, she sat down with deliberate slowness. The entire process was silent, without a single superfluous sound. Her movements were languid, the kind of slowness that could calm even an impatient person, as if this was how life was meant to be: elegant, dignified, and unflustered by crisis.

“Now it’s just the two of us,” Noble Lady Lan said. Even her speech was slow and unhurried, her voice soft and low.

The pain from the beating had just begun to subside for Beauty Yu. She looked at this Noble Lady Lan and felt she didn’t seem like a woman of the Cold Palace. The women here who hadn’t given up hope were gorgeously dressed, while those who had were unkempt and dirty. There were even those who, after years of confinement, had become foolish, mad, and deranged. This Noble Lady Lan was clearly the type who had given up on the Emperor but still held onto a passion for life. She was dressed in a simple and elegant manner, not like a prisoner of the Cold Palace, but more like a master living in seclusion here.

“Noble Lady Yan took her own life. If you want to avenge her, you shouldn’t be looking for me.” The room was so small that Beauty Yu could smell the pungent odor of chili oil even from the bed. She was scared.

“If I hadn’t said I was avenging Sister Yan, they wouldn’t have left.” Noble Lady Lan took a bottle of wound medicine from her robes and placed it on the bedside table. “I have a few questions for you, Beauty. If you answer well, you may keep this bottle of medicine. If you answer poorly, that basin of freshly boiled chili oil on the shelf will take your life. I’m sure you’ve seen today what kind of place the Cold Palace is. No imperial physicians will come here. You cannot let your injuries worsen.”

“Fine. Ask away!” Beauty Yu said.

“What was the final outcome of the case against Lord Yao Hezheng, the Left Censor-in-Chief, for seizing property and murdering with disregard for human life?” Noble Lady Lan had entered the Cold Palace over a year ago, right when the Yao family’s troubles began. Unfortunately, she was sent to Jingling Palace and cut off from the world before the case was concluded. The servants who delivered daily necessities to the Cold Palace were forbidden from speaking with the concubines, so she couldn’t ask the maids for news. And Sister Jiu’er, who came later, was completely uninterested in court affairs and knew nothing when asked.

Now that Beauty Yu had finally arrived, she wanted to find out if the Yao family had been exonerated.

Beauty Yu said, “Not long after you entered the Cold Palace, the Emperor issued a decree. Lord Yao’s entire family was exiled to the Southern Frontier, forbidden to return to the capital without an imperial edict.”

Noble Lady Lan was momentarily stunned. She had believed the Yao family was framed and had thought the Emperor would clear their name. Who knew that loyalty could not defeat treachery, and that the Emperor himself was like a single log trying to support a falling house.

“The Emperor only exiled the Yao family to the Southern Frontier… Does that mean they are all still safe?” Noble Lady Lan felt that this outcome wasn’t so bad. The Emperor had been considerate. The Yao family had been framed; if they had remained in the capital’s prisons, their fate would have been grim. Being exiled to the Southern Frontier had, in fact, saved their lives.

Beauty Yu was tired of lying on her stomach. She wanted to turn over but couldn’t move, so she could only continue to lie there. “Not all of them. I heard that Lord Yao’s only son, Yao Xian, escaped before being sent to the Southern Frontier, and his whereabouts are unknown to this day.”

Noble Lady Lan suddenly fell silent.

“Do you have some connection to the Yao family?” A thought suddenly occurred to Beauty Yu. Noble Lady Lan had entered the Cold Palace right around the time the Yao family had their incident. Could the two events be related? And she vaguely remembered that Noble Lady Lan seemed to be called… Yao Shuanglan.

Noble Lady Lan didn’t answer. She silently stepped forward and gently pulled down Beauty Yu’s trousers.

“What are you doing?” Beauty Yu became alert.

Noble Lady Lan picked up the wound medicine from the bedside table. “Applying medicine. You can’t do it yourself.”

After applying the medicine, Noble Lady Lan helped Beauty Yu tidy her clothes again. Her movements were extremely gentle, taking care not to touch Beauty Yu’s wounds.

“Thanks,” Beauty Yu said. She didn’t often thank people, but she was truly grateful to Noble Lady Lan for saving her from the hands of a pack of madwomen.

Noble Lady Lan’s expression was placid. “Tonight, Beauty, you should still sleep in the outer courtyard.”

Everything had changed too quickly. In her shock, Beauty Yu reached out and grabbed the bedpost. “I told you everything you asked! Tell me, where did I answer poorly?”

“No. You answered very well.” Noble Lady Lan stepped forward and lifted the powerless Beauty Yu into her arms, whispering, “It’s just that I’m not in a very good mood.”

The author has something to say:

Wishing everyone a happy May Day~⁷ Even though I’m a little late ♪ ( ^∀^● )

Footnotes

Original: xiǎo báishǔ. The Chinese equivalent of ‘guinea pigs,’ used for expendable test subjects.
The original idiom is ‘chuíxián sān chǐ’ (垂涎三尺), which literally means to drool three ‘chi’ (a traditional unit of length, roughly 33 centimetres).
The practice of ‘cháng shàn’ (尝膳), or food tasting, was a safety measure in imperial China where a designated person would taste each dish for poison before it was served to the emperor or other high-ranking royals.
Original: jīn dàtuǐ (金大腿), literally ‘golden thigh.’ A modern Chinese slang term for a powerful person one can rely on for support and advancement.
A ‘sòngxíng fàn’ (送行饭) is a meal given to someone who is about to depart, either on a long journey or, more ominously, to their execution.
A ‘huǒzhézi’ (火折子) was a traditional Chinese fire-starting tool, typically a bamboo tube filled with slow-burning paper or tinder that could be blown into a flame.
May Day, or International Workers’ Day, falls on May 1st and is a major public holiday in China.

Footnotes

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