Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 28
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
If not for the scarcity of resources in the Cold Palace and the inner court’s ban on making a racket, the residents would have hung up lanterns and streamers, beaten gongs and drums, and celebrated Beauty Yu’s arrival with all the fanfare they could muster.
“Did you hear? That Yu-shi has been sent here.”
“Which Yu-shi?”
“The one who holds her chin so high she looks at the sky instead of the road.”
“Well, they do say no flower stays red for a hundred days.1 Come on, let’s go have a look.”
…
The women spread the news, gathering in a crowd and heading for the South Room in the rear courtyard where Beauty Yu had been placed.
The old matrons who had carried the injured Beauty Yu into the Cold Palace were long gone. Everyone knew about the ghost haunting Jingling Palace two nights ago. Though they didn’t dare gossip about it openly, they were all terrified. After being tossed onto the bed, Beauty Yu had at first wailed to see Emperor Ming Cheng. When her throat went dry, she screamed for water, but after shouting for an age, not a single person answered.
“Achoo— Achoo—” Who knew how long it had been since the room was last cleaned. Every breath she took was thick with dust, choking her into a fit of sneezes.
The South Room already received poor light, and Jingling Palace was a derelict, dilapidated building. The room was so run-down and gloomy it looked like a haunted house. Lying alone for a while on the hard plank bed, which was covered only by a rotten mattress pad, Beauty Yu gradually grew frightened. She knew about the ghost in Jingling Palace; that night, the female ghost had even passed by the gate of her Yixiu Palace. Its mournful cries had not only kept people from sleeping well that night, but had ensured that those with guilty consciences2 would never sleep well again.
Not long ago, a Noble Lady had committed suicide in Jingling Palace—a woman Beauty Yu herself had framed.
The thought sent a cold sweat prickling down her back. She had been beaten with twenty strokes of the cane and was too injured to move. Seeing that the sky would be dark in a few hours and there wasn’t a single lamp in the room, she couldn’t help but panic.
So when the women of the Cold Palace flooded into the South Room, Beauty Yu actually felt a sense of relief. Even knowing they came with ill intent, she wanted the company.
“My, my! That’s quite an injury!” A young woman in a yellow dress walked to the bedside and reached out to pat Beauty Yu’s still-bleeding buttocks.
“Ahh~ Hiss~” Beauty Yu sucked in a sharp breath of cold air. In the past, if anyone had dared to treat her this way, she would have immediately retaliated in kind. But now, in the Cold Palace and unable to move, she didn’t dare even utter a threat, let alone get even. The woman who had slapped her was a Talent3 surnamed Qiu, who had entered the palace in the same year. As Beauty Yu recalled, they had tripped each other up with minor schemes, but there was no great feud between them.
Just as Beauty Yu was about to force a smile for her Cold Palace seniors and ease the atmosphere, another heavy blow landed unexpectedly on her rear.
This time, it was a woman she didn’t recognize at all. The stranger raised a hand and brought it down with a slap on Beauty Yu’s perky little bottom, saying, “Oh, dear meimei, who did this to you? They were certainly vicious.”
“Stop it!” The pain brought tears to Beauty Yu’s eyes and stripped her of her reason. She snarled at the woman who had hit her. “You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you? Just you wait! When I get out of here, I’ll kill you, you worthless slut!”
“Hahahahahaha— Beauty Yu’s temper is as fiery as ever.” The strange woman squatted by the bed, reached out, and pinched Beauty Yu’s chin tightly. “In the hundred-year history of the Daxing dynasty, no one has ever heard of a woman leaving after being sent to the Cold Palace. Has the Beauty forgotten me? The Cold Palace ages a person; it’s no wonder you don’t recognize me.”
Hearing this, Beauty Yu tilted her head to get a better look at the face only a foot away. It was somewhat familiar… but she truly couldn’t remember. There were far too many women in the palace. After she had gained favor, her eyes were only for the Emperor; she didn’t even spare the Empress a thought. Why would she bother remembering all the women she’d had unpleasant run-ins with? Besides, there were so many of them, she couldn’t remember them all even if she tried!
She stared at the woman for a moment longer, and a vague name slowly surfaced in her mind. “You’re that palace maid of Concubine Hui’s… Jiu’er…” Beauty Yu remembered. Back when she had just entered the palace, this maid of Concubine Hui’s had been favored by the Emperor and promoted to Attendant-in-Waiting.4 At the time, frustrated and unsuccessful, Beauty Yu had jealously started a rumor that this Attendant-in-Waiting was having an affair with a eunuch in Concubine Hui’s palace.
After all, it takes one mouth to start a rumor, but you’ll break your legs trying to refute it. She had just said it casually to someone and hadn’t given it a second thought. Soon after, she won the Emperor’s favor and forgot the matter entirely. Could it be that this Attendant-in-Waiting had been sent to the Cold Palace because of her idle remark?
Beauty Yu suddenly felt a twinge of regret.
If I’d known it only took a single sentence to ruin someone, why did I waste so much effort on all those other schemes?
“Has the Beauty remembered now?” Jiu’er stood up with a cold smile and said to the onlookers behind her, “Sisters, hurry over and pay your respects to our Lady Yu!”
What followed was both bizarre and cruel.
The women giggled and laughed as they came forward one by one, slapping Beauty Yu’s simply bandaged, still-bleeding buttocks as if they were high-fiving a friend. The hall filled with a chorus of mocking laughter, Beauty Yu’s miserable screams, and the sharp, slapping sounds of palms meeting flesh… The normally lifeless Cold Palace was unusually lively thanks to Beauty Yu’s arrival.
The Attendant-in-Waiting laughed and said to Beauty Yu, “We’ll have plenty of long days to spend together from now on! Sisters, come lend a hand. Let’s carry Beauty Yu into the courtyard for some fresh air. From today on, she can sleep outside!”
Beauty Yu was in too much pain to speak. She wanted to swallow her pride and beg for mercy, but she couldn’t. Just as the women were about to lift her, the door to the South Room was pushed open. A woman in an indigo cotton blouse, her hair held by a simple wooden pin, stood silhouetted against the light, holding a bronze basin.
The crowd fell silent instantly. Talent Qiu stepped forward with a smile. “Lan-meimei, you can’t plead for this one. Not only did she bully me plenty in the past, but Jiu’er-jiejie was also sent to the Cold Palace because of a rumor she spread.”
Noble Lady Lan held the bronze basin out. Her expression was calm as she said, “Don’t worry, sisters. Shuanglan hasn’t come to plead for her. I’ve come to avenge the late Noble Lady Yan!”
Talent Qiu peered into the basin and then clapped her hands, bursting into laughter. The Attendant-in-Waiting named Jiu’er also came to Noble Lady Lan’s side, and upon seeing the glistening red chili oil in the basin, she too laughed aloud. “For even our sweet-tempered Lan-meimei to be so ruthless toward Yu-shi, it just goes to show how hateful she truly is.”
At the mention of the deceased Noble Lady Yan, Beauty Yu’s heart gave a violent lurch. The crowd’s schadenfreude-filled laughter made her even more uneasy.
She recognized Noble Lady Lan. Before being sent to the Cold Palace, Noble Lady Lan had also been favored. But for some unknown reason, she was first placed under house arrest and then thrown directly into the Cold Palace.
“Sisters, could you please step aside for a moment? Shuanglan has never tortured anyone before. I can’t bring myself to do it with everyone watching,” Noble Lady Lan said to the crowd, gently placing the bronze basin on a washstand.
Everyone had wanted to stick around and watch the show. For one, Yu-shi was despicable, and watching a villain suffer was satisfying. For another, the sight of Noble Lady Lan torturing someone was a once-in-a-century spectacle that no one wanted to miss.
Noble Lady Lan had been in Jingling Palace for some time. She was kind and treated everyone well. Life in the Cold Palace was bitter, but she was not afraid of hardship and always looked out for others. They said adversity revealed true character, and as they all suffered together, Noble Lady Lan’s Bodhisattva-like nature had naturally earned her great popularity.
“Alright, we’ll all go out. Let Lan-meimei properly avenge Noble Lady Yan.” Jiu’er was one of the older ones, and though she had arrived later, she had the air of a leader. In the Cold Palace, rank didn’t matter; whoever commanded respect was in charge.
While Beauty Yu was in deep water in Jingling Palace, Yao Xi’s days in Ning’an Palace weren’t much better.
Her Majesty the Empress Dowager must have been terribly bored. After showing concern over whether anyone had seen his nether regions, she started asking about her life before entering the palace. Yao Xi knew she was a substitute, but she knew nothing about the little eunuch named Yao—not even his age or his hometown.
If her story didn’t match the records in the Imperial Household Department, the Empress Dowager would surely grow suspicious when she investigated his background. And if Her Majesty’s suspicions led her to investigate further, she might trace the matter back to Eunuch Liu who bought her, follow the trail5 to her brother and sister-in-law, and finally discover that she was a girl who had fraudulently entered the palace. That would be disastrous.
“This slave doesn’t remember much about the past. When this slave was young, this slave was drugged and abducted. Later, this slave was drugged again and sold into the palace. The traffickers used too strong a dose; this slave didn’t even wake up for that cut down below. This slave was unconscious for several days and was already in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens when I came to. Since then, my memory of the past has been muddled. The drugs must have damaged this slave’s brain,” Yao Xi said, forcing a simple, honest smile.
Wan Bi hadn’t intended to dig into Yao Xi’s background; she had already sent someone to check the records at the Imperial Household Department, so there was no need to be redundant. But hearing the little eunuch’s explanation, it all made sense to Wan Bi. She had thought this slave was reckless—he seemed clever and mischievous, but was actually simple-minded. So it was because his brain had been damaged by drugs.
Looking at Yao Xi now, Wan Bi felt a flicker of sympathy. It was a good thing he was a boy. If he were a girl, with such an eye-catching face, who knows where he might have been sold.
“So Yao Xi isn’t your real name?” Wan Bi asked, leaning lazily against the kang table.6
“No.” Yao Xi spun another lie. “The traffickers gave it to me. It’s a homophone: ‘want joy.’ They said good things don’t just fall from the sky; you have to work hard to want them. What mostly falls from the sky is disaster. The traffickers were right about that, Your Majesty. Look at this slave—falling into their hands was a disaster from the sky, wasn’t it?”
Wan Bi smiled. “Then in your opinion, Eunuch, was entering Ning’an Palace to serve this bereaved one a joy from the sky, or a disaster?”
“It was a blessing from the sky!” Yao Xi declared.
“I’m not so sure about that! A moment ago, if this bereaved one hadn’t insisted on searching you, what would you have done?” Wan Bi wanted to tease the little eunuch. She had merely mentioned the word ‘search,’ and the little eunuch’s tear-streaked face had turned deathly pale again.
“This slave… would have had no choice but to die.” Yao Xi had a faint feeling that the Empress Dowager wouldn’t be willing to let her die.
Wan Bi’s expression changed. She didn’t like the little eunuch speaking of death so casually, as if he were using his life to threaten her. Did he really think she would care about the life or death of a slave? Her current reluctance was merely because she found him an amusing toy. Once she grew tired of him, she would simply toss him aside.
“There are quite a few things you would rather die than do, Eunuch. You would rather die than serve in Ning’an Palace. You would rather die than kneel to Beauty Yu. And now, you would rather die than be searched.” Wan Bi smiled. “And what is the reality? You are in Ning’an Palace right now. If this bereaved one hadn’t intervened, you would not only have knelt to Beauty Yu after she had your tendons cut, you would have been crawling. As for searching you, that depends entirely on my whim. Furthermore…”
Wan Bi looked down at Yao Xi from her superior position. “Whether you live or die is not up to you either. If this bereaved one does not permit you to die, you cannot die even if you wish to.”
“This slave understands.” The Empress Dowager’s words were quite hurtful, yet every sentence was the truth, mercilessly exposing the powerlessness Yao Xi had been unwilling to face. It’s true! she thought. Whenever I run into trouble, I have no way to resist other than threatening to kill myself. The light in Yao Xi’s eyes dimmed, and her shoulders slumped in defeat.
The people sent to Zai County had not yet returned, and it was already time for the evening meal. Wan Bi’s expression was still sour. She said coldly to Yao Xi, “It’s uncertain if you’ll even be alive after tonight, Eunuch Yao. We should make the best use of things. Tonight, you will test the food for this bereaved one.”
Still reeling from the Empress Dowager’s verbal blows, the listless Yao Xi looked up in a daze. “Test the food?”
Two food-tasting palace maids had died in Ning’an Palace before. The Empress Dowager’s popularity was truly abysmal; someone was bound to tamper with her meals. It wasn’t just the Directorate of Imperial Cuisine; even the food from Ning’an Palace’s own small kitchen wasn’t necessarily safe.
Both food-tasting maids had been killed by dishes laced with deadly poison.
Yao Xi really wanted to ask the Empress Dowager: Your Majesty, don’t you have any fucking clue how many people you’ve pissed off? Can’t you just keep a few white mice or something?
Footnotes
- A Chinese proverb (huā wú bǎi rì hóng) meaning that good things, like beauty or favor, do not last forever.
- Original: xīnhuái guǐtāi, literally ‘to harbor a ghost in the womb.’ An idiom for having evil intentions or a guilty conscience.
- Cáirén (才人) was a mid-to-low rank for an imperial concubine, below a Beauty (Měirén).
- Xuǎnshì (选侍) was a very low rank for an imperial concubine, often a position given to a palace maid who had caught the emperor’s eye.
- Original: shùn téng mō guā, literally ‘to follow the vine to find the melon.’ An idiom for using clues to track down the source of a problem.
- A kàngzhuō (炕桌) is a low table designed for use on a ‘kang,’ a heated brick platform bed common in northern China.
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