Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 27
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
The Empress Dowager forbade Yao Xi from leaving the hall, so she graciously permitted her to use the lavatory that had been converted from an ear-room in a side hall. It was normally a place for the night-duty palace maids to take care of their internal needs. Since it was inside the main palace building, Yao Xi was the first eunuch to ever relieve herself there.
Yao Xi felt not a shred of honor in achieving this particular first. With a pained expression, she walked toward the lavatory with heavy steps, the little eunuch assigned to watch her following close behind.
The lavatory wasn’t large. A screen divided it into two parts. On one side was a wooden tub for bathing; on the other, a chamber pot for relieving oneself. The chamber pot was spotless, either because it had never been used or because it had just been replaced. The room itself was very clean, and because half of it had been converted into a bathing room, the air carried the pleasant fragrance of soap.
Yao Xi hadn’t had the chance to relieve herself in such a comfortable, clean place since entering the palace.
The latrines used by the eunuchs were always filled with a foul stench. This was because some eunuchs had trouble relieving themselves. And why did they have trouble? Because they had done the knife work themselves during castration. Not only had they removed the whole set,1 but the cut hadn’t been clean, so when they urinated, it was easy to make a mess everywhere, even if they squatted or sat. The palace’s Purification Room and the famous private masters offered guaranteed workmanship—they only cut the balls, leaving the little JJ,2 and the survival rate was also assured. The only catch was the high fee.
Of the men who entered the palace to become eunuchs, aside from a very small number of young masters from disgraced noble families and an even smaller number who had connections in the palace and were looking to make a future for themselves, the vast majority were destitute people with no other way out. If they couldn’t afford the price, they had to suffer.
It wasn’t impossible to get it done for a cheaper fee, but the masters’ knife skills would be a bit more… whimsical. There was no guarantee of survival, and you could forget about any post-operative care. If they didn’t provide such differential treatment, how could they highlight the prestige of their high-paying clients?
Sometimes, improving service quality for VIP customers doesn’t require doing better, just doing worse for regular customers.
It was precisely because the eunuchs came from all walks of life, with different chief surgeons,3 that a certain type of eunuch with a voyeuristic streak had emerged. Their favorite pastime was pulling someone over to compare the wounds down below. The conversations often went like this:
Eunuch A: “Hey, which master did your knife work?”
Eunuch B: “Master Hu of Maliu Hutong.”
Eunuch A: “Whoa, he’s famous for his excellent skills. Here, let me see yours…” (After a bit of fondling) “Must have cost a pretty penny, huh? Such a clean cut, and the wound is so neat.”
Eunuch B: “Of course it was expensive! It cost my family everything. Which master did yours?”
Eunuch A: “I couldn’t even afford to eat before entering the palace, where would I get that kind of spare silver? Did it myself at home, biting down on a quilt while the knife fell!”
Eunuch B: “Let me have a look…” (After another round of fondling) “Tsk, tsk, you were really ruthless with yourself.”
Sometimes, if they ran into someone who had been cut by the same master, they would even try to build a connection, acting more enthusiastic than if they’d met someone from their old hometown.
Right now, a clean and tidy chamber pot was right in front of her, and her bladder was about to explode, but the little eunuch’s burning gaze made Yao Xi afraid to untie her trousers. This was truly a case of her head being tied to her waistband—the moment the waistband loosened, her head would fall off.
“Eunuch, could you please turn around?” Yao Xi was about to burst. “I can’t pee with you watching me!”
The little eunuch was even more embarrassed than Yao Xi. Her face was red from holding it in, but his was red from shame. “Her Majesty the Empress Dowager ordered me to watch you closely, Eunuch. Just pretend I’m not here.” Though he said this, his eyes stared into the empty space between them, not focusing on Yao Xi.
Seeing the little eunuch’s face flush with shyness, Yao Xi felt even more hopeless. Don’t tell me I’ve been so unlucky as to run into a little cut sleeve who’s interested in eunuchs? I’m finished. And he had the nerve to say “pretend I’m not here”? How could she possibly pretend not to see a whole living person standing right in front of her!
“Why did Her Majesty have you watch me?” Yao Xi decided to try and persuade him. “Because Her Majesty suspects I’ve hidden one of her things, and she wants you to watch me in case I try to hide it here while relieving myself. But there’s nothing in this room, and this bucket is clean. Wouldn’t it be obvious at a glance whether or not I took something out from my clothes and threw it in here? Or… do you have a voyeuristic streak… and want to take advantage of me?”
“I have no such proclivity! It’s just that I dare not disobey Her Majesty’s decree…” the little eunuch mumbled, his head bowed as he defended himself.
Yao Xi could see it now. This eunuch was kind and honest, his personality even a little timid. Earlier in the main hall, when this little eunuch had been ordered to drag her to the back to be searched, he had been gentle. He hadn’t used the Empress Dowager’s decree as an excuse to beat her up when she struggled and resisted.
If reason wouldn’t work, then it was time for an emotional appeal.
“I would rather die here today from holding it in than show my wound to another person. Eunuch, you and I are the same, we’ve both had our roots removed. Don’t you feel humiliated when people see your wound?” After speaking, Yao Xi squeezed out a couple of golden beans.4 The purplish tint of her face, strained from holding her bladder, added a touch of color to her aggrieved and heartbroken expression.
The little eunuch seemed to have been struck a sore spot. He lowered his eyes and murmured, “I understand… I still don’t dare to look at the scar down there. The other eunuchs in the palace would pull down my pants to tease me. At the time…” The little eunuch bit his lip. “At the time, I wanted to die.”
Yao Xi quickly seized on his words. “Eunuch, you’ve suffered this humiliation too, so you can understand how I feel, right?” Yao Xi smiled, but inwardly she was cursing her mother.5 Right now, no one could fucking understand how desperate she was! The feeling of a flood about to break its dam was drawing closer, and Yao Xi had to grind her teeth so hard they clattered just to hold on.
Finally!!!
The little eunuch turned around. “Please, Eunuch!” There was nowhere to hide anything in the lavatory. The little eunuch thought of the humiliation he had felt when he was bullied, that despair of shame and anger when his wound was exposed to others. Sigh! We’re all pitiful people, why must we make things difficult for each other?
Yao Xi gazed at the little eunuch’s back, her eyes welling with tears as she said in her heart: Some kindnesses are too great for words!
After Yao Xi went to the lavatory, Wan Bi instructed Yuanqian, “Send someone to Zai County to see what’s going on with those two thousand taels of silver. Also, have someone go to the Imperial Household Department, find Yao Xi’s file, and look into this slave’s background. And leave a few people here to recount everything.”
Yuanqian curtsied and accepted the orders. Only after she had dispatched people for each task did she return to Wan Bi’s side to attend to her. “Your Majesty, it has all been arranged. Shall this slave-girl help Your Majesty to rest?”
Wan Bi waved her hand. She was still thinking about how fiercely the little castrated donkey had struggled when he was about to be searched.
Unwilling to show his mutilated body to others? Tsk, tsk. And he’s in a duishi relationship with a palace maid?
Yao Xi walked back toward the main hall with light, brisk steps.
The world before relieving oneself and the world after were two completely different places! Before, her world had been completely dark. After coming out of the lavatory, she felt that the flowers smelled fragrant, the breeze was cool, and she was even in the mood to listen to the birds chirping in the courtyard.
The little eunuch followed her again after checking the lavatory. Having someone inspect your excrement was pretty… you know… but compared to her life, what did it count for? It counted for shit!
Yao Xi entered the main hall, her face beaming, and then she froze like a statue.
The Empress Dowager was still in the hall, and she was staring right at her.
“Eunuch, you seem to be in a good mood!” Wan Bi found it amusing. A moment ago, who knows what state he’d been in from holding it, and look at him now, with that relaxed, smug look on his face.
Yao Xi immediately knelt.
“If you are unwilling to be searched, this bereaved one won’t force you. In any case, it won’t be long before the truth comes out. While you still have breath in you, Eunuch, why don’t you keep this bereaved one company for a chat?” Wan Bi said with a smile. She sincerely hoped the little castrated donkey was a simpleton who didn’t know how to get things done and wasn’t too clever. Just now, when Yuanqian had suggested she go to the bedchamber to rest, Wan Bi had realized that her only amusement right now was teasing the little castrated donkey.
The deep palace was lonely and boring. Loyal slaves were common, but interesting ones were few and far between.
Yao Xi’s expression darkened. What does she mean, chat while I still have breath in me? No matter how you hear it, that sounds unsettling!
There were several palace maids in the hall, tasked with recounting the treasures. Wan Bi felt the place wasn’t quiet enough, so she rose and said to Yao Xi, “Let’s find another place to chat! If you have any last words, Eunuch, you can tell them all to this bereaved one.”
Leaning on Yuanqian’s arm, Wan Bi entered the Warm Pavilion.
Yao Xi scrambled to her feet and followed. She really couldn’t think of anything she and the Empress Dowager had to talk about. Could it be that Her Majesty wants to hear some crosstalk again? Hanqiu-gugu isn’t here this time, so it’ll have to be a solo act.
“Grant Eunuch Yao a seat!” Wan Bi commanded.
Yao Xi sat down uneasily on a chair, her hands placed obediently on her knees like a prisoner awaiting interrogation.
“Don’t be so formal, Eunuch!” Wan Bi took the tea Yuanqian handed her, had a sip, and continued, “A moment ago, you said you were unwilling to show your mutilated body to others?”
“Replying to Your Majesty. That is this slave’s last shred of stubbornness.” Yao Xi had a feeling the Empress Dowager’s words were hiding a knife, but for the moment, she couldn’t figure out what kind of knife it was.
Wan Bi glanced at Yao Xi coolly. “You haven’t let anyone see it since you were purified?”
Yao Xi nodded firmly, looking for all the world like a chaste martyr. “This slave doesn’t even dare to look at it himself. It is this slave’s good fortune to be able to be purified and enter the palace to serve the masters, but having lost that precious treasure,6 it’s inevitable that I feel inferior.” Yao Xi couldn’t understand why the Empress Dowager was so interested in a eunuch’s private parts.
“What about your lover? Has she not seen it either?” Wan Bi’s lips curled into a malicious smile.
Lover? Yao Xi froze for a moment, then understood that the Empress Dowager was referring to Zheng Dayun. Everyone in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens thought she and Zheng Dayun were contracted brothers. Since the Empress Dowager had brought her to Ning’an Palace, she must have sent someone to the Bureau to investigate her background while she was counting treasure.
“Replying to Master. This slave has not let anyone see, and he is not my lover.”
Wan Bi suddenly felt a pang of pity for that palace maid in Zhongling Palace. This little castrated donkey, Yao Xi, only had a pretty face going for him. If she couldn’t even get that, then what on earth was wrong with that palace maid that she insisted on being with Yao Xi? Could it be that this little castrated donkey had other, unknown merits?
And he says they’re not lovers. Wan Bi looked at Yao Xi meaningfully. Is he afraid that if he’s punished, the palace maid will be implicated? Distancing himself so cleanly in front of me? I didn’t even mention a name, yet this little castrated donkey immediately refers to ‘her.’7 If they weren’t lovers, how would he know who I was talking about?
Seeing the displeasure on the Empress Dowager’s face, Yao Xi dared not say more. She sat woodenly on the chair, at a complete loss, waiting for the people Her Majesty had sent to investigate to return and clear her name.
Beauty Yu was carried into Jingling Palace.
The world inside the Cold Palace and the world outside were completely different. Being thrown into the Cold Palace was equivalent to a life sentence. No matter how glorious a master had been before, she couldn’t act high and mighty in this place. The Cold Palace had its own food chain.8 The poor food and lodging in Jingling Palace were secondary; the most terrifying thing was having poor social connections. And here, connections weren’t based on power or status, but only on old grudges and new hatreds.
Beauty Yu was, of course, the type with poor connections. If the Yu family had some power at court, it might have been better; the women in the Cold Palace might not have made things difficult for her for fear of bringing trouble to their maternal families. But while the Yu family had produced a capital official in their ancestry, they had been in decline for several generations. This was the reason why, despite being deeply favored by the emperor, Beauty Yu’s rank had never risen.
All the grudges she had formed in the past came crashing down on her today.
Unwilling to give up, Beauty Yu was still shouting to see Emperor Ming Cheng as she was carried into the Cold Palace. Her cry attracted all the women in the Cold Palace who weren’t mad or foolish. A newcomer had arrived at Jingling Palace! The senior residents of the Cold Palace, who were bored to tears, were all intrigued. There was nothing more interesting than disciplining a newcomer. And when they saw that this newcomer was the famous Beauty Yu… they weren’t just intrigued, the atmosphere was practically festive.
Footnotes
- A euphemism for a full penectomy and castration, as opposed to only removing the testicles.
- Original: xiǎo JJ. The author uses the English letters “JJ” as a colloquial term for the penis.
- Original: zhǔdāo yīshēng. This is a deliberately anachronistic modern term used by the author for comedic effect.
- A poetic expression for large, round teardrops.
- Original: màniáng. A strong curse, akin to ‘damn it to hell’ or ‘fucking hell’.
- Lit. ‘precious lump/nugget.’ A term of endearment, often for a beloved child, but used here sarcastically by Yao Xi to refer to her lost genitals.
- In spoken Chinese, the third-person pronouns for ‘he’ and ‘she’ (tā) are pronounced identically. Yao Xi was referring to a male, but Wan Bi assumed she meant a female.
- Original: shíwùliàn. Another anachronistic modern term used by the author for narrative effect.
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