Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 24
by Little PandaThe Empress Dowager is So Wicked
Yao Xi saw the Empress Dowager and the others enter the Warm Pavilion. Seizing the moment while no one was around, she quickly twisted her body.
Her chest was killing her. She had put on the binding yesterday around noon when she woke up, but her breasts felt like they were being inflated, growing larger and larger. Afraid of being discovered, she could only bind them tighter and tighter. After the commotion with Liao Bing last night, she hadn’t had a single chance to undo the cloth strips and let her swelling chest breathe. Now, the Empress Dowager had ordered her to stay here and inventory the boxes. It looked like the chest binding cloth would have to stay on until evening.
Wait! Yao Xi suddenly remembered something. Back at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, she had a room to herself. She could lock the door and let herself fly free.1 But that might not be the case in Ning’an Palace. If she had to share a room, then the pair of big white rabbits2 on her chest would only see the light of day when she bathed.
Oh, heavens! Yao Xi tenderly touched her chest. If only she were flat-chested. What was the point of growing such a large, useless pair of things?
Wriggling her body seemed to loosen the binding cloth a tiny bit. Seeing that the hall was empty, Yao Xi began to twist with abandon. As she twisted, she automatically supplied her own background music: Let’s all rock together, rock together, forget all the pain and rock together—3
Ahh~ That felt good!
In the Warm Pavilion, Wan Bi, who was secretly watching Yao Xi through a mirror, was bewildered. ??? Has the little castrated donkey started having an epileptic fit?4
After twisting for a while, Yao Xi felt the cloth strips had loosened considerably, so she sat down on the floor. But instead of starting the inventory, she began to take off her black boots. It was her right foot that had been injured by the box. The skin wasn’t badly broken, but it was severely swollen. Yao Xi dug out a large dollop of ointment from the small black bottle and carefully coated the top of her right foot, as if applying a foot mask.
Wan Bi saw Yao Xi’s bare foot… so fair, so tender… so small…
“Your Highness…” Yuanqian wanted to ask her mistress if she should call for the morning meal. Her mistress had gone to Shangde Gate to watch the Lord State Uncle make a fool of himself right after waking up, and now it was almost noon, yet she was still hungry.
Wan Bi was staring intently at the Yao Xi in the mirror, who was busying herself with everything but her actual duties. She was so engrossed that she didn’t hear Yuanqian call her.
“Your Highness, it is time for the morning meal,” Yuanqian repeated.
“Ohh~” Wan Bi came back to her senses. “Serve it, then! And send some to that slave as well.”
Even after the meal was brought, Wan Bi was in no hurry to eat. She just sat on the couch in the Warm Pavilion, gazing at the large bronze mirror positioned diagonally across the main hall. In the mirror, the little castrated donkey was wiping his hands with a handkerchief and then starting to eat. His table manners were truly awful; he was wolfing down his food as if he were rushing to be reincarnated.5
Wan Bi watched Yao Xi have his fit, watched Yao Xi apply medicine to his foot, watched Yao Xi wash his hands and eat… Finally, Eunuch Yao opened the first box…
Good heavens! Yao Xi’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. For the first time in her life, she finally understood what a mountain of gold and silver looked like. The pair of index-finger-sized pure gold paperweights from Zheng Dayun had already left her speechless. But here, any random box the Empress Dowager had was stuffed full of large gold bars!
Yao Xi stared at the contents of the box in amazement, drool nearly leaking from her mouth.
Wan Bi frowned. The little castrated donkey truly hadn’t seen much of the world. Look at that money-grubbing expression. It was highly likely he would be bewitched by greed6 and do something foolish.
Yao Xi wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth and began to count the items inside, recording them in a register as she went.
Wan Bi frowned again. The little castrated donkey’s posture while writing was also terrible. His back was hunched, and his face was practically glued to the paper.
“Your Highness, you should eat a little,” Yuanqian urged. She couldn’t understand what was so interesting about the little eunuch in the bronze mirror that the Empress Dowager wouldn’t even tear her eyes away to eat. She always felt that the Empress Dowager didn’t treat Eunuch Yao like a slave, but more like a pet.
Yuanqian kept a small turtle in her room. When she wasn’t busy, she also liked to stare at the little turtle in a daze, sometimes for half the day. The little turtle was nowhere near as lively as Eunuch Yao—it hardly moved—but she still found it fascinating to watch.
Yuanqian felt that Eunuch Yao was the Empress Dowager’s little turtle.
Speaking of that little turtle, it had been a gift from Tang Huaili. Thinking of her relationship with Tang Huaili, Yuanqian glanced fearfully at her mistress, who was still staring at the mirror.
The Empress Dowager hated eunuchs, yet she had fallen for the chief of them all.
The Emperor was a frequent visitor to Ning’an Palace, and Tang Huaili, as the Imperial Head Steward, would naturally accompany him. The two of them would always exchange a hurried glance before looking away, terrified the Empress Dowager would notice. She could only visit Tang Huaili’s private residence when she requested leave or was sent out of the palace on an errand, but eight times out of ten, Tang Huaili wouldn’t be there. They were both slaves who served at their masters’ beck and call; how much of a life of their own could they have?
Yuanqian didn’t know what the future held. She could only push the thoughts away.
Yao Xi’s task turned out to be easier than she had imagined. There were several large boxes, but only two, filled with jewelry and jade, needed to be recorded piece by piece. The remaining boxes were filled with gold bars and silver ingots, all stacked neatly. She just had to multiply the rows, columns, and layers to get the total.
However, fearing there might be errors—like a missing item in a lower layer or pieces of different weights—Yao Xi still took them out and recounted them. But that was the only time-consuming part; she only needed to record the grand total in the register.
Yao Xi figured if she pushed herself, she could finish recording everything by the afternoon. Right now, she really needed to go to the latrine.7 Thankfully, she had gone once that morning before going to the Directorate of Ceremonial to find Zheng Dayun. Last night, trapped under the bed, she had nearly burst.
Bathing and using the toilet were the two greatest challenges for Yao Xi. Bathing was slightly better; if she had her own room, she could just bring water inside to wash. The hardest part was using the toilet. There were no private bathrooms in the rooms; to relieve oneself, one had to go to the latrine. Normally, it wasn’t a problem for a eunuch to squat, and the latrines had curtains for privacy, but some eunuchs had a strange quirk—they liked to compare the wounds in that area with others.
It was just like how able-bodied men would compare their size at the urinals.
What an ancient and unchanging tradition!
Yao Xi had encountered it once. A perverted eunuch had grabbed her and insisted on comparing with her, insisted on showing her his. Although she had escaped, it had left her with significant psychological trauma. She couldn’t understand what there was for eunuchs to compare. Who had the more perfect incision? The more exquisite scar? Yao Xi had never seen a eunuch’s nether regions and truly couldn’t imagine it.
She really needed to go to the latrine now, but she didn’t dare.
Guarding so much gold and silver, if she left the hall and something was missing when Her Highness checked, she would never be able to explain herself. Fortunately, the feeling came in waves. After holding it in for a while, the urge slowly subsided.
Emperor Ming Cheng came to Ning’an Palace to scrounge for his midday meal.
Tang Huaili, tactful as ever, led the people from Qianqing Palace to wait outside the hall. Emperor Ming Cheng was somewhat surprised when he entered the hall alone. There was actually a little eunuch in the main hall of Ning’an Palace. The eunuch was focused on recording things with his head down and didn’t look up at him.
Emperor Ming Cheng was merely surprised that Wan Bi, who harbored a blood feud against eunuchs, would allow one to serve inside the hall. He only glanced at Yao Xi before going in to find Wan Bi.
When Yuanqian saw the Emperor arrive, she quickly led the palace staff of Ning’an Palace out. When the Empress Dowager and the Emperor were speaking, they generally didn’t want others present. Everyone who served in Qianqing Palace and Ning’an Palace was used to this.
Yuanqian led the people outside the hall, swept a glance at Tang Huaili, then lowered her head and gave a faint smile.
Tang Huaili also looked at Yuanqian, his heart aching a little. The last time at Guanhe Pavilion next to Jingling Palace, when they were both waiting outside for their respective masters, he had noticed how haggard Yuanqian looked recently. It must be because she was keeping up with her mistress’s wild antics in Ning’an Palace and not getting enough sleep. He wondered if she had lit the sleep-aiding incense he had someone send her, and if she liked the bolts of fabric Dayun had brought back from Zhejiang.
Their gazes were directed elsewhere, but their minds were on each other. Though nothing was said, it seemed as if everything was understood.
Wan Bi had gotten tired of watching Yao Xi and had taken a nap in the Warm Pavilion. The Emperor arrived not long after she woke up. She could guess with her toes8 what he was here for.
“Did she go crying to you?” Wan Bi didn’t even bother with pleasantries; this was her opening line.
Emperor Ming Cheng found a place to sit on his own. His expression was not good. “She did. And Yu-shi told Us the whole story.”
Emperor Ming Cheng felt that Wan Bi had gone too far today. The slave had been wrongly accused of breaking things by the palace maids from Yixiu Palace. While it wasn’t right for Yu-shi to beat someone, it wasn’t a major issue for a master to punish a slave. Yet Wan Bi had demoted Beauty Yu to Shuren and had her beaten with twenty strokes of the heavy plank over such a small matter.
How could Emperor Ming Cheng not feel a pang of pity seeing the delicate beauty lying on her bed with her bottom covered in blood? But pity was secondary. The key issue was that everyone knew he favored Yu-shi. Wan Bi’s actions were a blatant slap in his face.
“Then what did the Emperor come to Ning’an Palace to say to this bereaved one?” Wan Bi asked, lounging lazily on the couch and looking at Emperor Ming Cheng, her attention seemingly elsewhere.
“Let’s have the midday meal served first!” Emperor Ming Cheng hadn’t come to question or blame Wan Bi. The person had already been beaten. He was here to negotiate with Wan Bi about promoting Yu-shi from Shuren back to Beauty. That way, Wan Bi would have established her authority, Yu-shi would have learned her lesson, and he could just about save face.
Wan Bi called in a young palace maid. “Tell the Directorate of Imperial Cuisine to serve the meal.” After the Empress had cut back on each palace’s stipends, the Emperor hadn’t yet eaten at Ning’an Palace. It was about time he had a taste of grass.
While they waited for the meal, Wan Bi asked, “What did Shuren Yu tell the Emperor?”
The Emperor recounted what Beauty Yu had told him. “Yu-shi said that those two palace maids broke something and wanted to frame a eunuch for it. She didn’t expect that eunuch to be from Ning’an Palace. Yu-shi was also deceived by wicked servants and acted foolishly.”
What Yu-shi told the Emperor was more or less the truth. After all, deceiving the sovereign was a capital crime; few people dared to lie to the Emperor’s face.
Except for Wan Bi!
“If the Emperor remembers Shuren Yu’s words correctly, then she’s not being very honest.”
Wan Bi smiled and told a different version of the story. “Two palace maids broke Shuren Yu’s things and wanted to grab a random eunuch to take the blame. That eunuch was not from Ning’an Palace, but a lowly handyman from the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. This bereaved one was passing by and saw the little eunuch being beaten so pitifully, so I stepped in to ask what was happening. Shuren Yu immediately used the Emperor’s name to pressure me, advising me it was best not to get involved. What kind of temper do I have? Would I be threatened by her? So I slapped her. After being slapped, Yu-shi flew into a rage and publicly insulted this bereaved one with the most vicious words…”
At this point, Wan Bi’s expression turned aggrieved. She paused before continuing, “With my temperament, if it weren’t for the fact that she can please the Emperor…” Wan Bi looked at Emperor Ming Cheng. The subtext was: You understand, Your Majesty.
Of course, Emperor Ming Cheng understood. He fully believed how ruthless and cruel Wan Bi could be when she was angry.
“Many servants from Zhongling Palace and Yixiu Palace were watching. If the Emperor doesn’t believe me, you are free to send someone to ask,” Wan Bi said. It was true that she had hit Yu-shi, and it was true that she had loudly berated Yu-shi for publicly insulting her.
In this matter, what the people from Ning’an Palace and Yixiu Palace said didn’t really count. Only the words of those from Zhongling Palace were credible. However, the people from Zhongling Palace had been hiding behind their doors and couldn’t hear clearly. They could only see her hit Yu-shi and curse her for insubordination.
That was enough.
If Yu-shi was seeking her own death, she couldn’t be blamed for delivering the fatal blow.
Wan Bi dealt the final strike. “Yu-shi offended this bereaved one in public. For the Emperor’s sake, I endured it and only punished her lightly to give myself a way out. But the crime of deceiving the sovereign cannot go unpunished!”
Hearing Wan Bi say this, Emperor Ming Cheng felt rather embarrassed. It seemed Wan Bi had suffered a great grievance for his sake, yet here he was, coming to her door to blame her. As for Yu-shi, if what Wan Bi said was true, he wouldn’t feel the slightest pity if such an arrogant person, who relied on his favor, were to die.
“We are a little hungry,” Emperor Ming Cheng said, changing the subject.
Wan Bi immediately rose from the couch, her smile warm and eager. “Please, Your Majesty! The grass from the Directorate of Imperial Cuisine… no, the dishes from the Directorate of Imperial Cuisine are getting better and better.”
Footnotes
- Original term: fàngfēi zìwǒ (放飞自我). A modern Chinese slang phrase meaning to let go of one’s inhibitions and act freely.
- Original term: dàbáitù (大白兔). A cute or childish euphemism for breasts.
- A lyric from the 1994 Chinese rock song ‘Yīqǐ Yáobǎi’ (一起摇摆) by Wang Feng.
- Original term: fā yángdiānfēng (发羊癫疯). A colloquial and somewhat insensitive term for having an epileptic seizure, often used metaphorically to describe someone acting erratically.
- Original term: gǎnzhe tóutāi (赶着投胎). An idiom used to describe someone doing something in a frantic hurry, as if they are rushing to their death and next life.
- Original term: guǐmíxīnqiào (鬼迷心窍). An idiom describing someone who is acting foolishly or irrationally, as if they have been possessed or bewitched.
- Original term: gōngfáng (恭房). The designated toilet facilities within the palace.
- Original phrase: yòng jiǎozhǐtou xiǎng yě zhīdào (用脚趾头想也知道). A colloquialism meaning something is so obvious you could figure it out with your toes.
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