Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 22

by Little Panda

The Empress Dowager is So Wicked

By putting on a crosstalk performance,¹ Yao Xi added plenty of oil and vinegar to the story, making sure Liao Bing got a proper moment in the spotlight before the Empress Dowager.

She also felt that if Maiden Hanqiu had been a crosstalk actress in the 21st century, her skill as a straight man² would have been no worse than that of the famous master who loves getting his hair permed.³ Without Maiden Hanqiu’s questioning to thread the needle, she wouldn’t have been able to tell the story at all.

For instance, with an exaggerated expression, she said, “Good heavens! With a great thump, Liao Bing and several others burst into the room! My skills are extraordinary. It all happened in a flash…”

Hanqiu, her face full of admiration, asked, “You flew away and escaped?”

Yao Xi gave a sly grin. “How could I? I rolled on the ground and hid under the bed.”

The Empress Dowager, seated in the middle, and the crowd from Ning’an Palace standing around her all burst into laughter. The punchline⁴ had landed.

The more Yao Xi spoke, the more animated she became. She even started to think she had a talent for storytelling.⁵ If she ever left the palace without having saved much money, she could go to Tianqiao⁶ and become a storyteller.

As one sang and the other harmonized, she and Hanqiu painted Liao Bing as a thoroughly wicked, venomous, and rascally villain.

Yao Xi fanned the flames with all her might, intent on sending Liao Bing to his doom.

Was Liao Bing really that bad? Actually, he was just average. Anyone who had their leg broken would be angry, right? Yao Xi had seen people far worse than Liao Bing, and quite a few of them. More than being evil, Liao Bing’s fatal flaws were his greed and his overestimation of his own abilities. With his uncle protecting him in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, he had become a little tyrant and forgotten that there are always people beyond people, and heavens beyond heavens.⁷ And he even boasted about taking care of Zheng Dayun, too? Heavens! Did he think Eunuch Tang was dead?

Wan Bi was thoroughly engrossed, already on her third cup of tea.

Suddenly, Yao Xi stopped talking.

“What happened next?” This was the Empress Dowager, asking for the next installment.

Yao Xi lowered her hands and bowed. “Replying to Your Grace, after this slave escaped the Bureau of Imperial Gardens with Imperial Physician Fu, I came to Zhongling Palace to find Maiden Hanqiu, hoping to find a new post… You know the rest of what happened.” She omitted the part about going to the Directorate of Ceremonial to find Zheng Dayun.

“Mmm~” Wan Bi was left wanting more.

She thought back on the experiences Yao Xi had just described, from last night to this morning. The little castrated donkey had escaped the Bureau of Imperial Gardens because someone wanted to kill him. That person wanted to kill him because his leg was injured. His leg was injured because he was punished by the Directorate of Ceremonial for stealing things from Yao Xi’s room. And he stole things from Yao Xi’s room because Yao Xi had been at Ning’an Palace that night and hadn’t returned…

Um… why is it that when I trace this back to its source, I get the feeling that I’m the one who has wronged the little castrated donkey?

The little castrated donkey had spoken without hesitation, and his logic was sound; it was likely the truth. However, his words were exaggerated, and his expressions even more so. It was possible he was just a flamboyant person by nature, but it was more likely he was adding oil and vinegar.

Still, that eunuch surnamed Liao from the Bureau of Imperial Gardens could not be kept. He knew the little castrated donkey had entered the palace to work for Ning’an Palace, yet he still dared to steal his things. Did he think the people of her Ning’an Palace were easy to bully? Or did he think that once the little castrated donkey entered Ning’an Palace, he was sure to die and never return?

Heh~ Not only was Wan Bi going to let Yao Xi return, she was going to let him return in style and splendor.

“Don’t you two have anything else to talk about?” Wan Bi had been hoping to watch a romance drama, but she got a suspense thriller instead. “Have you run out of things to say, or are you too embarrassed to speak in front of this bereaved one?”

There were plenty of eunuchs and palace maids who engaged in duishi.⁸ And it wasn’t just eunuchs and maids—there were eunuchs and eunuchs, maids and maids, maids and guards, eunuchs and guards, guards and guards… As long as it was consensual, it wasn’t some shameful secret. Wan Bi just wanted to see how the little castrated donkey usually courted a girl.

What? Yao Xi was confused. What else could she and Hanqiu talk about? And what was there to be embarrassed about?

Ah… Yao Xi understood. Did Her Majesty the Empress Dowager mean… she wanted Yao Xi to properly praise her for descending from the heavens to save her from fire and water, a heroic deed for the ages?

She knew how to flatter people!

Yao Xi continued, “As I was saying, I arrived at Zhongling Palace. Maiden, guess what happened next?”

The star straight man, Maiden Hanqiu, was back online. “Oh? What happened?”

Yao Xi recounted how she was framed by the people from Yixiu Palace and how the Empress Dowager had appeared to save her. She picked out the finest words and heaped them upon the Empress Dowager, praising her as if she were a Bodhisattva performing a miracle, a living Buddha reincarnated.

The entire retinue from Ning’an Palace was listening! And from the adjacent Yixiu and Zhongling Palaces, many maids and eunuchs were hiding behind their gates, trembling as they watched what was happening outside.

Wan Bi never expected the little castrated donkey to suddenly start boasting about her in public, praising her as if she were a peerless being, unique in heaven and on earth.

The little castrated donkey just kept talking, his mouth like a cascading river, while all the embarrassment was hers.

She had no idea what had gotten into him. The onlookers might even think she had forced him to praise her. Wan Bi wasn’t that shameless. Forcing people to sing her praises and eulogize her virtues was something she couldn’t care less about, be it her reputation in life or after death. To live as she pleased while she was alive, and to face death calmly when it was time to die—that was enough.

Unable to listen any longer, Wan Bi waved a hand at Yao Xi. “That’s enough. Prepare to return to the palace.”

As Wan Bi stood up, she glanced at the redwood box she had been sitting on for so long. Suddenly remembering something, she ordered the palace attendant behind her, “This bereaved one had forgotten. After the two lying maids are punished with the cane, send them to the Laundry Bureau.⁹ A slave can be stupid, a slave can be clumsy, but they must be honest.” The last sentence was directed at Yao Xi, its meaning self-evident.

Ning’an Palace was not peaceful, nor could it ever be. Just as Wan Bi had told Emperor Ming Cheng, she held the secrets of every civil and military official at court. The reason she had threatened Zhu Xiangchang with such skill yesterday was because it wasn’t the first time. Some of those she blackmailed submitted on the surface but not in their hearts. Unwilling to be controlled by her for a lifetime because of one little secret, they would naturally start to have crooked thoughts.

For example, killing her to solve the problem once and for all.

Whether inside the palace or out, the number of people she had offended was as vast as the sea, and the number of people who wished her dead was even vaster.

If they wanted her dead, they had to send someone to do the deed. Assassins couldn’t sneak into the palace that easily, so those who wanted to kill her often targeted the servants, especially the servants of Ning’an Palace. The night-duty eunuch who had died in Ning’an Palace a few days ago was said to have been killed by an assassin, but in truth, that eunuch was the assassin.

The Directorate of Ceremonial managed the eunuchs, and the Bureau of Palace Affairs managed the maids. Where there was power, there was profit. If Wan Bi could use money to blackmail the officials, the officials could naturally use money to get rid of her. The servants were easy to buy. Most had families outside the palace to support, and some just wanted to make a huge sum of money and leave the palace as soon as possible.

She was very generous to those under her, but no matter how generous, could she compete with the price someone was willing to pay for her life? Her life was still worth a fair bit of silver.

So, although Wan Bi had taken a slight liking to this little castrated donkey, Yao Xi, she still had to be on her guard. A thorough background check was basic, and constant, earnest reminders were a must. The servants of Ning’an Palace could lack ability, but they absolutely could not lack loyalty. Those who were allowed to serve her personally were all old hands who had been with her for many years—and “old” referred to seniority, not age. A few of the maids were the same age as the little castrated donkey but had already been by her side for five or six years, personally chosen for her by Emperor Ming Cheng after the Late Emperor’s passing.

Yao Xi knew the Empress Dowager was instructing her to be steadfast and not play any tricks once she began serving in Ning’an Palace, and especially not to harbor any dissent. Unfortunately, she couldn’t be one hundred percent honest with the Empress Dowager. For instance, the fact that she was a fake eunuch was something she could never reveal, even upon pain of death.

Technically, a woman impersonating a eunuch wasn’t as dangerous as a man doing so. But regardless of the outcome, impersonating a eunuch to enter the palace was deceiving the sovereign.¹⁰ If she were discovered, both she and Eunuch Liu would be finished.

Wan Bi raised her hand, and Yao Xi sensibly hurried to extend her arm to support the Empress Dowager’s hand. Her Majesty’s hands were truly beautiful. It was no surprise for masters, whose ten fingers don’t touch spring water,¹¹ to have long, slender, and fair hands. What was marvelous about Her Majesty’s hands was that although they were slender, they were also fleshy, with cute little dimples at the knuckles, which suggested how small her bones must be.

Her Majesty’s hand rested lightly on her wrist, as gentle as a feather. She walked with graceful lotus steps,¹² and even with a limp, Yao Xi could keep up. Glancing at the Empress Dowager’s profile, a phrase flashed through Yao Xi’s mind: Delicate, soft, and easy to topple…¹³

Ahem—this was great disrespect, great disrespect.

Yao Xi reined in her audacious thoughts and, enduring the pain, walked forward with difficulty. This was her first time serving the Empress Dowager, and she had to make a good impression. Otherwise, the great patron she had just latched onto might fly away.

Strangely enough, only palace maids served the Empress Dowager up close. It seemed that in Ning’an Palace, only the gatekeepers and those doing rough labor were eunuchs. Dressed in her drab eunuch’s uniform, supporting the Empress Dowager amidst a flock of palace maids, she stood out conspicuously. But Yao Xi now had a good idea of her future post in Ning’an Palace: either a gatekeeper or a manual laborer.

That was perfectly fine. Serving a master up close might bring high rewards, but it also came with high risks!

Besides, even being a lowly laborer in Ning’an Palace was countless times better than being one in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. The three words “Ning’an Palace” were a protective talisman; no one would dare to touch her lightly.

Yao Xi said solicitously, “Your Grace, please watch your step.”

Just as the words left her mouth, her own ankle twisted, and she felt herself about to fall. The instinct for survival made her, in the instant she stumbled, desperately clutch the Empress Dowager’s hand resting on her forearm…

Time seemed to stand still. All sound vanished, and everything in her vision turned to slow motion. Yao Xi watched as the Empress Dowager was pulled down with her. Maiden Yuanqian and the other maids from Ning’an Palace turned pale with fright, reaching out to try and catch the Empress Dowager…

It was all too late. In those two short seconds, Yao Xi reviewed her entire life and then made a final attempt to salvage the situation. Heedless of the capital crime of offending the phoenix body, in a flash of lightning and spark from a flint, she pulled the Empress Dowager into her arms, and they fell together.

Thump! Yao Xi’s head struck the stone path. But she felt no pain, only a hazy vision of a great golden thigh¹⁴ sprouting wings and flying into the sky. Farewell, my eighteenth year that never came!

Wan Bi didn’t even have time to react before she was grabbed! Embraced! And then, with a thud, she fell toward the ground, landing in the little castrated donkey’s arms.

Er— The little castrated donkey’s chest—was a bit too hard.

Before Wan Bi could process what had happened, Yuanqian and the others were shouting “Protect Her Majesty!” and rushing over to help her up.

“Your Majesty, are you alright?” Yuanqian was so frightened her face was drained of all color.

Wan Bi looked down at Yao Xi, who was lying on the stone ground with his eyes closed and a peaceful expression on his face. “I’m fine. This slave seems to have fainted. Carry him back and have an imperial physician take a look.”

Yao Xi hadn’t fainted; she was just dazed from the impact. Hearing the Empress Dowager call for an imperial physician, she was so scared she immediately snapped her eyes open. If a physician came and found out she was a woman, it would be all over. Enduring her dizziness, Yao Xi got up and shifted into a kneeling position.

“This slave deserves death. I have alarmed Your Grace.” Yao Xi said the words, but in her heart, she wasn’t the least bit afraid. She had heard Her Majesty call for a physician for her; she definitely wasn’t going to have her killed.

Wan Bi wasn’t angry. The little eunuch had pulled her down by accident, but protecting her in his arms and acting as a human flesh cushion before they hit the ground had been intentional. Although the cushion was small and hard, the sentiment was good. Not only did Wan Bi not blame Yao Xi, she even felt that this little castrated donkey was not just for looking at and playing with, but also for using.

That’s what Wan Bi thought, but what she said was, “That’s not the only capital crime you’ve committed, Eunuch. This bereaved one will settle the accounts with you slowly.” With that, she led her people back to Ning’an Palace, not caring whether Yao Xi could keep up on his injured leg.

Early that morning, Liufu heard from the man he had placed in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens that Liao Yaoming’s nephew was going to kill Yao Xi.

That boy Yao Xi’s life had to be saved for the Director of the Depot. Upon hearing the news, Liufu used the excuse of visiting an old friend to rush over to the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. Before he had latched onto the great tree that was Eunuch Meng, he had worked in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens for over a decade. The current head of the Bureau, Liao Yaoming, was a eunuch who had entered the palace in the same batch as him.

However, the two had no friendship. Liao Yaoming was more capable than him. Before Liufu had attached himself to Eunuch Meng, he had been a mere personal attendant, while Liao Yaoming had been promoted steadily ever since entering the palace.

When he arrived at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, he didn’t see Yao Xi. After some discreet inquiries, he heard that Yao Xi had gone out early in the morning and hadn’t returned.

Liufu felt a sliver of joy at this news.

He always felt that he and Yao Xi were tied together; if something happened to Yao Xi, he couldn’t escape either. Right now, he was a useful pawn to Eunuch Meng, but he might become a discarded one someday. Whether Yao Xi was dead or had escaped, it was all for the best, as long as he never came back.

Liufu hadn’t rushed to the Bureau of Imperial Gardens to save Yao Xi, but merely to put on a show. He hoped for Yao Xi’s death but couldn’t do it himself; he had to maintain the posture of wanting to protect Yao Xi on behalf of the Director of the Depot. It would have been great if Liao Bing had actually succeeded. Unfortunately, not long after Liufu returned to the Directorate of Palace Attendants, he heard that Yao Xi had somehow found his way into Ning’an Palace.

This was terrible.

No matter how “naturally incomplete” Yao Xi was, there was still a difference between someone who had been under the knife and someone who hadn’t. Moreover, he had entered the palace under the identity of a traitor’s son. If the Empress Dowager found out Yao Xi’s background, she would definitely trace it back to him.

Even if he had cleaned up all the traces, that boy Yao Xi knew him inside and out. What if he confessed everything?

Liufu couldn’t handle this matter. He could only go to the Eastern Depot’s alley and ask Meng Delai for guidance.

The author has something to say:

Work has been a bit busy these two days before the May Day holiday, so there will only be one update today and tomorrow. Double updates will resume starting May 1st, so everyone doesn’t need to wait at 10 PM!

The little angels in the comments asking for more chapters are really cute and sweet, but unfortunately, this author’s spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (covers face and runs away~)

Footnotes

Xiangsheng, or crosstalk, is a traditional Chinese comedic performance, typically featuring two performers in a rapid-fire, witty dialogue.
The original term is ‘penggen,’ the supporting role in a crosstalk duo who feeds lines to the main comedian, similar to a ‘straight man’ in Western comedy.
A reference to Yu Qian, a famous modern crosstalk performer in China known for his love of drinking, smoking, and getting his hair permed.
The original term is ‘baofu’ or ‘bundle.’ In crosstalk, this refers to the punchline of a joke, which is ‘unpacked’ for the audience’s amusement.
Shuoshu, or storytelling, is a traditional Chinese performing art where a solo performer recites stories to an audience, often in a dramatic fashion.
Tianqiao, literally ‘Bridge of Heaven,’ is a district in Beijing historically famous for its bustling markets and variety of street performers, including storytellers, acrobats, and opera singers.
A proverb meaning there is always someone better or more powerful, advising humility.
Duishi: Lit. ‘paired eating.’ A relationship between a eunuch and a palace maid, akin to a marriage.
The Huanyi Ju, or Laundry Bureau, was a low-ranking service department in the palace. Being sent there was often a form of punishment or demotion for servants who had made mistakes.
‘Qijun,’ or deceiving the sovereign, was a capital crime, one of the most serious offenses one could commit against the throne.
An idiom describing someone, usually of high status, who has never had to perform manual labor.
The ‘lotus step’ is a poetic way to describe the small, delicate steps of a woman, historically associated with foot-binding but now used more generally for a graceful gait.
A modern internet slang phrase (shen jiao ti rou yi tui dao), often used in ACG culture to describe a character who appears physically weak and vulnerable, and easily dominated.
In Chinese slang, “hugging the thigh” means to latch onto a powerful patron. Yao Xi is hallucinating the literalization of this metaphor.

Footnotes

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