Life is Like a Journey – Chapter 92
by Little PandaVolume 3: Transition
Intimacy
The world gives me painful kisses, and I return them with songs.
When Gu Yanzhi was carrying groceries upstairs, Lu Xucheng happened to push the door open and come out. He was hunched over, holding the stair railing, and slowly going down the steps.
She reached out to help him: “Let me help you.”
The old man shook his head, shook off her hand, and took out a USB flash drive from his jacket pocket to give to her.
“What is this?”
“She doesn’t want to have surgery, but she still needs to have conservative treatment, right? This is the treatment plan that I came up with after discussing with experts from home and abroad. Take it to her doctor.”
Gu Yanzhi held the light, somewhat worn USB drive, feeling a bit complicated: “Why don’t you give it to her yourself?”
The old man let out a cold laugh and went downstairs with his cane: “She has to be willing to accept it if I give it to her.”
Gu Yanzhi walked him to the building entrance. Lu Xucheng turned around to look at her: “Also, tell her for me, if she ever changes her mind and wants to have the surgery, she can come to Beijing anytime to find me.”
Gu Yanzhi bowed slightly: “Thank you.”
Lu Xucheng turned away, his back suddenly looking ten years older, lacking the energy he had when he used to hit her with his cane.
“Alright, stop sending me off, go check on her.”
Gu Yanzhi quickly ran upstairs, pushed open the door, and saw the room dimly lit by a single yellow desk lamp. Lu Qingshi was wearing a loose hospital gown, curled up on the sofa, her hair loose, making it hard to see her expression, and her body was slightly trembling.
Gu Yanzhi felt a deep ache in her heart, set down her things, and carefully moved over: “Qingshi…”
Lu Qingshi opened her arms slightly and willingly threw herself into Gu Yanzhi’s embrace, clutching her clothes tightly, sobbing silently.
Gu Yanzhi gently patted her back, soothing her in a soft voice: “It’s okay, it’s all over now. Are you hungry? I’ll cook something for you, alright?”
After they finished a simple dinner, Gu Yanzhi turned on the TV, but Lu Qingshi’s mind was clearly elsewhere.
“I don’t want to go back to the hospital.”
As a doctor, wearing a white coat and smelling disinfectant every day didn’t feel like anything special, but as a patient, she realized how dull and boring that white could be. Staying there too long could drive anyone crazy, not to mention the waves of people persuading her to accept surgery.
Only in front of Gu Yanzhi would she show this rare, spoiled side. Gu Yanzhi patted her head: “But we’ve already promised the nurse, right? If we don’t go back, it might be hard for her.”
Lu Qingshi bit her lip: “Is that so… then I guess we should go back.”
Seeing her looking so down, Gu Yanzhi smiled: “I promise, I’ll take you out again tomorrow, alright?”
“Okay,” she reluctantly nodded. Just as she was about to get up and wash the dishes, Lu Qingshi gently tugged at her sleeve.
Lu Qingshi, with a blush on her face, murmured, “Um… I want to take a bath… It’s been over a month since I last did…”
During the month she was bedridden, the caregivers would wipe her body and help her turn over, but she hadn’t had a full bath.
Gu Yanzhi thought for a moment: “Alright, I’ll run the water first. You watch some TV while I finish the dishes.”
Lu Qingshi quickly refused: “No… no need… I can do it myself…”
Despite her words, Gu Yanzhi still ran the bath and tested the water temperature: “You still have injuries, how can I feel at ease letting you do it alone?”
Although she had been carried before, it was the first time she was carried while fully conscious. Lu Qingshi gasped, feeling like her request was incredibly foolish. The thought of undressing in front of someone was so embarrassing.
“Um… um… maybe I shouldn’t take a bath… let’s go back to the hospital…” Lu Qingshi struggled, and Gu Yanzhi paused, watching her curl up like an ostrich in her arms and chuckled.
“Okay, then let’s go back to the hospital.”
She said this and turned to walk towards the door.
“Eh? Eh!” Why was the situation different from what she imagined? Between the comfort of washing her hair and her pride, Lu Qingshi struggled for a long time and eventually chose the former.
The water was just right, at a comfortable temperature. Lu Qingshi reached out to touch it, clutching her collar tightly: “You… turn around.”
Gu Yanzhi shrugged with a helpless gesture: “Alright, alright, call me if you can’t manage.”
The aftereffects of major brain and body surgery were that her coordination was much worse than before. She struggled with her buttons for a long time but couldn’t undo them. Lu Qingshi bit her lip, a thin layer of sweat forming on her forehead, yet she refused to ask for help.
“Alright, let me help you.” Hearing the sound of a button falling to the floor, Gu Yanzhi approached with her eyes closed, gently moving Lu Qingshi’s hands away.
“Don’t worry, I won’t look at what I shouldn’t see, and I won’t do anything I shouldn’t do. I’ve said before, I’ll respect your wishes.”
There were many times when they could have taken their relationship further, but each time, Gu Yanzhi left the decision to her. Her approach to doing things and pursuing someone was always consistent.
A true gentleman is open and honest, never taking advantage of others.
Lu Qingshi liked the gentleness and freedom Gu Yanzhi gave her, but in front of someone she liked, a little bit of shyness was hard to hide. Especially since she didn’t want her to see the scar on her stomach. She couldn’t quite explain how she felt about it, but the scar constantly reminded her of how she once loved someone wholeheartedly and how it ended so bleakly.
If there was no Fu Lei, there wouldn’t be Lele, and she wouldn’t have become who she is today.
But sometimes she still feels grateful, grateful that Lele came into her life and gave her brief happiness, a unique familial bond that nothing else could replace.
Lele is a lasting pain in her heart and also the longest-lasting warmth.
From the first time she met her, she knew this female doctor was very beautiful, unforgettable beauty.
Up to today, her understanding of “beauty” has reached another level: coldness is beauty, fragility is beauty, crying is beauty, even hysteria is beauty.
There are so many things about her that make her fascinated. Cupping a handful of warm water in her palm, she gently sprinkled it on her shoulder, the water droplets running down her slender shoulders and narrow waist, gliding over the butterfly bone poised for flight, disappearing into the water’s surface.
She caressed every inch of her skin almost reverently, even though she said she wouldn’t move or look, there were still some romantic thoughts in her heart.
Gu Yanzhi took a deep breath, suppressing the overwhelming fluttering in her heart: “Alright, you can handle the front yourself, okay?”
Lu Qingshi slightly turned her head, just enough to see her blushing ears, causing a small ripple in her heart: “Okay.”
Gu Yanzhi placed the towel in her hand. When she tried to pull back, Gu Yanzhi didn’t let go, and as their eyes met, both of their faces turned red.
Lu Qingshi slightly bit her lip, her eyes showing a mix of confusion, innocence, nervousness, and an indescribable hint of grievance.
Whether it was steam or tears, her eyes became moist.
When strong creatures face small, pitiful animals, they feel not only the urge to protect but also an inexplicable desire to conquer.
Gu Yanzhi’s breathing suddenly became rapid, and she unconsciously tightened her grip on Lu Qingshi’s arm.
“Hurts… Gu Yanzhi… let go…” Lu Qingshi looked at her pitifully, softening her voice, her eyes welling up with tears.
Someone who rarely cries out in pain must be really hurting, biting her lip, shivering as she looked at Gu Yanzhi.
Gu Yanzhi snapped back to reality, releasing her grip, and five bright red finger marks appeared on the pale wrist. She felt extremely guilty, stumbling over her words: “Sorry, sorry, I’ll… I’ll get the shampoo.”
A woman nearing thirty fled in the face of overwhelming desire.
She leaned against the bathroom door, breathing slightly heavily, trying to calm herself.
It was terrifying; she had almost lost control just now.
She now somewhat understood why ancient kings would choose their beauties over their kingdoms.
Seeing Qingshi like that, she felt she would do anything for her, even if it meant dying.
Re-entering the steamy bathroom, Gu Yanzhi was noticeably calmer. She let out some of the water in the bathtub so that Qingshi could lie back without touching her wounds, turned on the shower, checked the temperature, lifted her hair to avoid the stitches on her scalp, and gently applied shampoo, massaging it in.
After what had just happened, Lu Qingshi was a bit wary of her. It was the first time she had seen such an undisguised, raw desire in Gu Yanzhi’s eyes, which startled her and made her reconsider their relationship.
She accepted the term “girlfriend,” but truly wasn’t ready for anything more serious. To be precise, she hadn’t even thought in that direction.
She cherished Gu Yanzhi’s warmth, the tolerance and thoughtfulness she provided, her meticulous care, her childlike smile, her straightforward personality, and most importantly, their shared values and goals.
In every way, Gu Yanzhi was the perfect partner, but fully accepting her physically and emotionally was still challenging.
Feeling a bit frustrated, Lu Qingshi rubbed her forehead, and Gu Yanzhi sensitively noticed the change.
“Don’t worry about it; it won’t happen again.”
“No, it’s perfectly normal…” As a doctor, she knew that desire is a natural human trait, and she felt like she was the one who was unusual.
Gu Yanzhi used the shower to rinse away the foam from the hair, letting those bad feelings wash down the drain as well.
She didn’t want to explain too much about this incident. She had indeed lost control and scared her, and there was nothing to justify. The self-control she prided herself on was worthless in front of her.
Although she accepted this relationship, she still needed to make a formal confession. However, she didn’t want to do it at this time; it felt like taking advantage of the situation. She understood that love born from warmth and care wasn’t the true love she wanted.
Once she’s better, and after a formal confession, if Lu Qingshi still chooses to stay by her side, she wouldn’t hesitate or run away. This time was just a buffer period for both of them.
“Let’s not talk about that anymore. Tell me about your grandpa,” Gu Yanzhi said gently, applying conditioner to her hair. “Why is your relationship with him so bad?”
Talking openly about this issue wasn’t as difficult as she imagined. Lu Qingshi looked at the ceiling, finding a long-lost peace in her gentle actions.
“Actually, when I was a child, my grandpa and I had a good relationship…” She squinted slightly, a nostalgic smile on her face.
“After my mom had me, she didn’t take a postpartum rest and went back to work at the research institute. My dad worked in thoracic surgery at Xiehe Hospital, and he was very busy, much busier than I used to be… So, I was left with a nanny, but she couldn’t take care of me well because I had a weak immune system and caught pneumonia.”
“Grandpa brought me to the hospital to take care of me himself. When he went to meetings or did rounds, he would hang a cloth pouch with me in it on his chest, holding an IV bottle on a clothes hanger with one hand, while I blew snot bubbles in his arms…”
Gu Yanzhi couldn’t help but laugh: “Oh, how old were you then?”
“One or two years old, maybe.”
“How do you know that?”
Lu Qingshi rolled her eyes: “Of course, my grandpa told me.”
“Then what happened? Why did your relationship get so bad?”
At this point, Lu Qingshi’s eyes dimmed a little: “In 2003, during the global outbreak of SARS, my dad caught the virus while treating patients. I know he volunteered for it, but I still… I still hold some resentment towards my grandpa… If it were me, I could never watch my loved ones go from being healthy to dying… In the end, they found a way to deal with it, but my dad… he sacrificed his life.”
“Not long after, my mom also died in a car accident. When she was brought to the hospital, she was still breathing, but he was in the middle of another surgery and couldn’t operate on her… I truly hate myself… hate my powerlessness…”
Lu Qingshi closed her eyes briefly, hearing her own sigh. Talking about these things now, she found herself surprisingly calm.
But Gu Yanzhi knew that adult breakdowns often happen quietly.
Lu Qingshi must have cried many times in secret to be this calm now.
“So, you got into Xiehe Medical School to carry on your parents’ legacy…”
Lu Qingshi interrupted her: “No, I just want to prove myself to my grandpa. I am a different doctor from him. What he couldn’t do, I will do. I won’t just watch patients die in front of me anymore, absolutely not.”
“That kind of heart-wrenching pain, I’ve experienced it once, and that’s enough. The existence of a doctor is to bring happiness to more people, not to create pain, right?”
Gu Yanzhi leaned down and gently kissed her forehead: “Yes, you’ve done it. You are the most amazing, most outstanding doctor I’ve ever seen.”
What came next was Lu Qingshi’s lifelong pain, and she knew she didn’t want to talk about it, so she didn’t press further. Being able to share so much with her allowed Gu Yanzhi to glimpse a reflection of her past, the Lu Qingshi she never knew or had the chance to meet, and that made her very happy.
From never showing weakness to opening up her heart, Lu Qingshi was gradually shedding her hard exterior, and Gu Yanzhi would carefully protect this softness.
“Alright,” Gu Yanzhi gently wrapped a clean towel around her half-dry long hair and helped her up.
“Go lie down on the bed. I’ll get the hairdryer.”
Even though she hadn’t been drinking, she felt a rare desire to talk.
Lu Qingshi gently held her wrist and opened her robe.
On her bare skin were two scars, like centipedes winding across it.
One scar was on her chest, fresh in color, left by a recent surgery.
The other was on her lower abdomen, a faint brown with some wrinkled skin, a mark from a C-section and stretch marks from pregnancy.
As she touched them, hot tears fell: “It’s… ugly, right? When I was giving birth to Lele, I had complications. Fu Lei was in surgery, and halfway through my labor, a doctor rushed in and pushed me into the operating room for an emergency C-section…”
In Gu Yanzhi’s short life so far, she had seen many beautiful sights, from the vast Sahara Desert to the sunset at Lop Nur, from the northernmost aurora of her country to the southern tropical rainforest.
From the highest mountain peaks to the Mariana Trench, from the humid, hot Saigon to the unvisited villages by Lake Baikal.
But none of those moments felt as breathtaking as this one, as if all her life’s pursuits found their destination. She saw a shooting star in Lu Qingshi—the sparkle in her eyes.
A river—the water droplets sliding over her skin.
Snow—her white skin.
Rising peaks.
Dense forests.
…
Everything she had seen in her life paled in comparison, and she couldn’t hold back her tears. She knelt down reverently, bending to kiss her lower abdomen, kissing the scar.
“The world gave me pain, and I responded with a song.”
Lu Qingshi gently closed her eyes, her body trembling, feeling as though the question she had long searched for had finally been answered.
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