Life is Like a Journey – Chapter 116
by Little PandaVolume 3: Transition
Fate
The wonder of fate lies in how the future remains unpredictable, yet everything seems mysteriously arranged.
The sky was like an upturned sea, endlessly blue, with wind carrying the fragrance of chrysanthemums across the hills.
Lu Qingshi wore black clothes and placed white chrysanthemums before the tombstone – it was a joint burial, with her father’s and mother’s names closely aligned.
Gu Yanzhi poured two cups of Maotai [premium Chinese liquor] from the basket and handed them to her. Lu Qingshi took them and poured them over the grave. She remained silent, her eyes soft with grief – her parents had passed suddenly, without leaving her any final words.
If they were still alive, what would they say to her?
Lu Qingshi tilted her head back, tears sliding into her temples: “Dad, Mom, I’ve grown up.”
Gu Yanzhi took out another cup. She instinctively reached for it, but Gu Yanzhi withdrew it and filled it for herself.
“I’ll offer this toast to Uncle and Auntie on your behalf.”
Lu Qingshi managed a smile through her tears, watching as Gu Yanzhi drained the cup, then placed the bottle with its red ribbon before the tombstone.
It was Chinese New Year’s Eve, and few people had come to tend graves. The wind was strong in Beijing’s outskirts, tousling her hair. Lu Qingshi looked back with tearful eyes at a row of tombstones, among which were scattered children’s graves of varying sizes. Lele was buried there.
She halted, her heart clenching in pain, and grabbed Gu Yanzhi’s hand like someone fleeing: “Let’s… go back.”
“Alright, but if we leave now, we might not have another chance to return,” she said, respecting her decision while offering a necessary reminder.
Nevertheless, she hoped Lu Qingshi could move on from the past.
Gripping her hand tighter, the doctor pressed her lips together, showing an expression of struggle, pain, and helplessness.
Gu Yanzhi comforted her: “Stay here, I’ll go sweep the grave.”
“Okay,” she finally sighed in relief, though feeling a hint of guilt.
Gu Yanzhi walked over carrying the basket. This area was in the deepest part of the cemetery, where surrounding graves were overgrown with weeds, yellow flowers even sprouting between the bricks. Only Lele’s tombstone remained clean and tidy, without a single weed. Several chrysanthemums lay before the tombstone, their fragile petals swaying in the wind – clearly someone visited regularly to tend it, though whether it was Lu Qingshi’s grandfather or Fu Lei was unclear.
The photo on the tombstone was polished bright. The little boy had delicate feature, rosy lips and white teeth, smiling with squinted eyes – truly cut from the same mold as Lu Qingshi.
She took out several food items from the basket, arranging them before the tombstone, lit candles with a lighter, and quietly watched them burn.
“I just think that children must all miss their mothers.”
She knew she would come, so didn’t raise her head: “I miss my mother too, even though I don’t know what she looked like, I still miss her so much…”
She placed joss paper [paper money burned as offerings to the deceased] in the bronze basin. The firelight danced in her eyes as the wind scattered black ashes onto Lu Qingshi’s clothes, while water stains appeared on the floor behind her.
“Lele… I’m sorry… Mama is…” She covered her lips, choking with sobs, unable to complete a single sentence, just crying as tears fell like broken strings of pearls.
“Lele, don’t blame your mother. She’s lived with guilt all these years, never truly smiling from her heart even once… She… loves you very much too.”
Gu Yanzhi’s fingers caressed the smooth, cold stone, rubbing back and forth until it gradually warmed. The little boy still smiled at them as always, his features gentle – if he had grown up normally, he would surely have become a handsome and kind boy.
Ten months of pregnancy, flesh of her own flesh, and five happy years spent together – memories flashed through her mind like a revolving lantern. Lu Qingshi cried uncontrollably, and Gu Yanzhi didn’t try to comfort her anymore, just gently patted her back to help her breathe.
She knew that being able to cry about some things was better than keeping them buried in one’s heart.
Under blue skies and white clouds, wild grass surged like waves of wheat. In her daze, she heard someone calling: “Mama.”
She looked up to see, in the endless wilderness, a little boy wearing a cartoon T-shirt smiling at her, his eyes curved in happiness.
“Mama.”
She stepped forward, and the little boy stepped back.
“Mama.”
Through tear-filled eyes, she called: “Lele…”
“I love you, goodbye.”
The little boy waved and ran into a white light. When she opened her eyes again, the boy in the photo was still smiling at her as always, as if saying: “Mama, I’m in another world, but I still love you.”
Lu Qingshi knelt before the tombstone, weeping uncontrollably.
Lele… Mama has never forgotten you, and will love you forever.
When Fang Zhiyou tried calling Yu Gui, she was queuing to enter the station. Many people were returning home on Chinese New Year’s Eve, packed shoulder to shoulder. Even though she heard her phone ring, she couldn’t reach it. Only after slowly making it through security and entering the waiting room did she finally have a chance to take her phone out of her pocket.
Seeing the missed call name on the screen, the young person’s lips curved slightly, a warmth flowing through their heart.
She called back, but even as the dial tone rang, no one answered, and her heart gradually grew cold.
Some opportunities, once missed, are lost for a lifetime.
She didn’t yet understand this principle.
It was rare to be off duty on Chinese New Year’s Eve, and several colleagues called out: “Chief, come on, let’s go have a drink.”
Everyone knew she was single and constantly tried to create opportunities for her. Qin Xuan smiled and declined their kindness: “No thanks, I’m a bit tired, I’ll go home and rest.”
Unexpectedly, she too had begun finding drinking and social obligations tedious – perhaps she really was getting older.
As the elevator arrived, she waved goodbye to her colleagues. A police officer in navy blue uniform was supporting a girl into the emergency room.
She instinctively looked over, but white curtains blocked her view. She smiled self-mockingly and strode out of the hospital.
“Thank you, Officer Xiang,” the girl who had been injured in a bicycle accident smiled at the police officer. Xiang Nanke smiled back.
“You’re welcome, just doing my job.”
The sound of high heels approached, somehow familiar. She lifted the curtain to leave, passing a doctor – a familiar perfume scent.
She rushed to follow, then stopped abruptly: “Sorry… I mistook you for someone else.”
The school was quiet in winter, with most students having gone home for the holiday, but to Lu Qingshi’s surprise, there were still people in the graduate student classroom.
Beijing’s nights came early, but the classroom was brightly lit. Around twenty people sat inside while a PowerPoint showed anatomical organs. Her elderly grandfather stood at the podium with a cane, teaching basic Anatomy to the young students below.
She watched through the glass window, never pushing the door open.
Finally, Lu Xucheng removed his glasses, closed his book, and placed his hands on the desk: “I’m sure you’re tired of hearing phrases like ‘doctors should be benevolent’. Today, I want to talk about family. As a doctor, I have no regrets, but as Lu Xucheng, I wasn’t a qualified father, nor a kind grandfather, and I… couldn’t even save my own great-grandson.”
“I regret this deeply. I hope none of you will carry similar regrets. Every minute of life is precious. Being a doctor is a special profession with many moments beyond our control, but I hope you can still carve out some time from these obligations, even just a minute, for your family.”
“After all, besides patients, they are your closest people in this world.”
In the night, wind blew through the corridor as the doctor smiled: “Let’s go home.”
Gu Yanzhi followed her: “Aren’t you inviting grandfather for New Year’s Eve dinner?”
Lu Qingshi laughed, skipping down the stairs like a child: “He’s too busy! It’s the same every year – he uses the winter and summer breaks to tutor poor students who can’t afford to go home. You wouldn’t believe it, but those kids always pool money to treat him to dinner afterward.”
“Professor Lu, Professor Lu…” As the students rushed forward with questions, he rubbed his eyes and looked outside, feeling as if someone had been standing there just moments ago.
Gu Yanzhi cooked, preparing a table full of delicious dishes, all Lu Qingshi’s favorites.
She braised yellow croaker over high heat to reduce the sauce, and wearing gloves, lifted steaming, glossy hairy crabs from the steamer.
Below were prepared garlic vermicelli shrimp, topped with seasoned sauce, releasing an enticing aroma.
Lu Qingshi exclaimed, rushing forward to pick one up, blowing on it to cool it before bringing it to her lips.
Gu Yanzhi turned around: “Ah! Why are you like French Fries! Give me a taste!!!”
“No, it’s too delicious!”
“Stingy!!!”
The Dongpo pork [a famous braised pork belly dish] was tied with straw rope and served, while the West Lake vinegar fish [a signature Hangzhou dish] was sprinkled with shredded green onions. Lu Qingshi looked around: “We can’t eat all this.”
“It’s meant for three people – who told you not to invite grandfather?”
Gu Yanzhi muttered while mincing garlic, mixing it with cooking wine and light soy sauce, then drizzling it with hot oil over the bright green vegetables, though she was smiling as she did so.
This was her first New Year’s Eve with her lover, and possibly Lu Qingshi’s last New Year, so even with just the two of them, she wanted to celebrate it properly together.
It was already past midnight when Yu Gui returned home. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open her family’s front gate. The local dog tied in the courtyard immediately bounded over, wagging its tail affectionately and licking her pant leg.
Mother Yu came out from the kitchen upon hearing the noise. She paused at the sight – after not seeing her for over half a year, it seemed her daughter had grown taller. Wearing a down jacket and carrying a backpack, she bent to play with the dog, then straightened up and smiled: “Mom, I’m home.”
Her mother’s eyes immediately filled with warm tears: “Ah! It’s good you’re back, it’s good you’re back. It’s cold outside, come in and sit, come in and sit. The food will be ready soon.”
Following village custom, firecrackers were set off during festivals. The family gathered around the stove for warmth, with sunflower seeds and fruit laid out before them. Outside were bursts of fireworks, while inside was filled with joy and harmony.
Father Yu watched TV while putting shelled sunflower seeds in his daughter’s bowl: “This surgery was done at your hospital, right? Amazing, it even made it on TV…”
The science channel was broadcasting news about a joint surgery breakthrough in neuroblastoma by three hospitals from two countries. Though he was a simple man who didn’t understand the medical terminology, he just knew that making it to television must be something significant.
Yu Gui understood her parents’ feelings and carefully selected stories that would make them proud. Once, she had deeply disliked people who did this, but now, seeing the joy on their faces, she felt that occasionally telling some exaggerated stories to make them happy wasn’t such a bad thing.
While showering, clumps of hair again clogged the drain. The whirlpool seemed capable of sucking in her soul. As Lu Qingshi stared at it, she became dizzy and grabbed the nearby rack for support. The shower gel fell, creating a clatter.
Gu Yanzhi knocked on the door: “Qingshi?”
She steadied herself with effort, crouching down to pick up the shower gel bottle from the mass of foam and rinsing it clean.
“It’s nothing, I just accidentally knocked over the shower gel.”
“Are you alright?” She sounded worried, about to push open the door.
“I’m fine, I’ll be out soon.”
When Lu Qingshi came out drying her wet hair, the living room TV was broadcasting news about the joint surgery – a major event in the medical field.
She calmly diverted her gaze and walked into the bedroom, where Gu Yanzhi sat cross-legged on the bed with a hardcover notebook in front of her.
“This is…” Lu Qingshi’s expression changed from calm to disbelief.
Gu Yanzhi started to put it away: “I’ve been hesitating whether to show you. Maybe we shouldn’t, I’m afraid…”
“No,” Lu Qingshi grabbed her hand. “I want to see it.”
The album pages turned one by one, showing records kept by Fu Lei from Lele’s birth until his final days – memories seeming to materialize before her eyes.
Lele as a wrinkled newborn, Lele’s first feeding, Lele urinating on his head, Lele being affectionate in Lu Qingshi’s arms…
So vivid and lifelike, all recorded by a doctor with a photographer’s perspective.
A whole album of well-preserved photos, with the last page showing a family portrait – Lu Qingshi in the middle holding a cake, her son in her arms, and Fu Lei standing beside them, all three faces bearing happy smiles.
As Gu Yanzhi looked at them, she felt mixed emotions. She believed Fu Lei had truly loved Lu Qingshi – as she had said, they were like-minded people who gradually took different paths on life’s long journey.
The wonder of fate lies in how the future remains unpredictable, yet everything seems mysteriously arranged.
“Plop—” a drop of water splashed on her face.
Time flowed backward as she remembered that day.
It was her birthday, and the third year since Lele had been diagnosed with a rare disease. That day, she had brought her son home from the ICU. Fu Lei was already waiting at home. They cooked together, blew out candles together, and cut the cake together.
Fu Lei set up a tripod, turned on the camera, and cleared his throat to record everything, including his birthday wishes for her.
Lele came over, squeezing into the frame, smiling happily with a fork in his mouth: “I also want to say something to Mama…”
But she, the main character, had to leave early. Lu Qingshi hung up the phone with an apologetic expression: “Sorry, emergency rescue patient…”
Fu Lei accompanied her to the door, helping her put on her coat: “Should I also…”
Lu Qingshi held the doorframe while putting on her shoes: “No need, stay home with Lele.”
She waved to Lele, who was clearly in a mood. She smiled and called twice more before he reluctantly came over.
“Mama loves patients more than me.”
Lu Qingshi rubbed his head: “That’s not true. Forgive me, Lele, you’ll always be Mama’s greatest love.”
After that door closed, she thought the story ended there, but it continued.
The camera’s red light was still on. Lele sat on the sofa playing with toys. Fu Lei, seeing him looking downcast, went over to him.
“Lele, don’t blame Mama… she’ll be back soon.”
“I know, Papa,” the child lowered his long eyelashes, his face unusually pale, with blue veins faintly visible through his skin.
“Last time she said she’d take me to the park, but didn’t. The time before that, she promised to take me to the amusement park but didn’t go. And the time before that… I don’t even want to mention it. I want to forgive her, but you know, Papa, it’s hard.”
Fu Lei hugged the little one: “Do you hate her then?”
The little one chewed his finger thoughtfully, then shook his head after a while: “No.”
“Why?” Fu Lei teased: “Papa often breaks promises too, don’t you hate Papa?”
The little boy hugged his neck and gave him a kiss: “No. Because Mama said every complete family is like a star. When someone dies, that star loses a point. Papa and Mama are doctors, and what you do is make these stars whole again, just like our family of three.”
The man’s eyes reddened slightly as he kissed his precious son’s cheek: “Well then, let’s record a birthday video message! It’ll be a surprise for Mama when she returns, she’ll be so happy.”
“Okay~” The small face moved close to the camera. Lele smiled with slight shyness, revealing two little tiger teeth [baby canine teeth] when he smiled, looking incredibly cute.
“Mama, even though you often can’t be with me, and you break your promises, and always make me take lots and lots of really bitter medicine, I hate you so much!!!”
“But…” the child smiled again, covering his face with his hands, peeking through his fingers.
“I really really like how you look in your white coat! You’re so cool~ Just as cool as Papa~ All the children in the ward envy me for having two doctors as my parents!”
“Mama,” he moved even closer, turning the camera himself, making the image blur, but his childish voice became clearer.
“My mama is the most amazing superhero in the world! She has magic that nobody else will ever have, she can make every star in the world complete. I’ll always love Mama in her white coat!”
The video ended abruptly. Outside the frame, Lu Qingshi was crying uncontrollably, her whole body trembling, gripping the bedsheet with white knuckles, crying silently.
Gu Yanzhi held her close, gently patting her back, and only then did she let out her first sob in a long time.
0 Comments