Alone, Beautifully – Chapter 105
by Little PandaMy Wife (17)
“Do you… want to do it?”
Even though Xu Jiao had already adjusted her state as quickly as possible, she still couldn’t escape Zheng Zhiyu’s senses. Now that Xu Jiao’s clues had been discovered, denial would be the most foolish action. Her thoughts raced quickly, but her face didn’t show it. She simply followed up with a question:
“Why would you have such a dream?”
Zheng Zhiyu shook her head, her gaze still focused on Xu Jiao, observing something unknown. After all, she was the type who could truly maintain emotions without any fluctuation. Who could make a dead person produce changes in expression?
As long as she wanted, she was the most formidable lying machine.
Now, she casually said: “I don’t know, but the impression was very deep, so I remembered it. Why, have you also had such a dream?”
Xu Jiao didn’t make a sound. She raised her head and met Zheng Zhiyu’s gaze, also changing her tone to be casual and nonchalant, as if just casually discussing an absurd dream story with a friend, treating it as if it couldn’t be true or counted:
“Hmm, then if such a thing were true, have you ever thought about why you would encounter me in so many worlds?”
This peculiar angle of hers actually left Zheng Zhiyu at a loss for words.
Originally, Zheng Zhiyu wanted to test Xu Jiao’s depth, but with this question, it seemed as if Xu Jiao had kicked the ball back to Zheng Zhiyu’s side. Before, it was Zheng Zhiyu who wanted to know why Xu Jiao would appear in her world, and repeatedly at that… Now it became Xu Jiao asking her, why do you keep coming to meet me again and again?
Zheng Zhiyu tried to trace back to the root in those familiar yet strange scenes, but the beginning seemed to have been specially erased. No matter how she pondered, she couldn’t recall the relevant content. In the end, she could only lightly brush over the topic:
“Because we have a predestined connection.”
Xu Jiao curled her lips slightly, unclear whether she was amused by this answer, or simply tickled by the overly metaphysical nature of her words.
The matter of this strange dream was thus brushed aside.
However, the two of them each had different thoughts.
Zheng Zhiyu heard that Xu Jiao’s tone was unusual. She wasn’t discussing the bizarreness of this dream, nor was she mocking her for being overly sentimental. Instead, it seemed as if she was continuing the conversation under the premise that this story was true.
It felt as if Xu Jiao seemed to know something.
Moreover, this person, after hearing about the content of one, two, three, four, five lifetimes, wasn’t surprised at all.
Zheng Zhiyu pondered about finding a suitable opportunity someday to have a good talk with Xu Jiao about this.
As for Xu Jiao, who was being held by her…
After shifting her gaze away, looking elsewhere, her eyes also held a thoughtful expression.
The things Zheng Zhiyu spoke of were too real, identical to the content in her impression since entering the first novel world. She had originally thought that these novel protagonists were independent, after all, there was no series-wide worldview, and the stories weren’t interconnected. Earlier, when she was with Feng Qingyu, she had already guessed once whether Feng Qingyu had any connection with the previous female lead, but she hadn’t seen Feng Qingyu show any related behavior for a long time. At that time, Xu Jiao even suspected if this was a prank conspiracy created by the system to fool her.
It turned out it wasn’t.
Because she had already ruled it out once, even when encountering Zheng Zhiyu in this world who shared memories with the previous world, Xu Jiao only assumed that the previous Lilith had some obsession with her, so she had followed her here. After all…
The protagonist of this world had already become Xu Jiao.
But she never expected—
Zheng Zhiyu wasn’t just Lilith, but could also possibly be Feng Qingyu, Shen Yelan, and Xia Jingzhe.
The stories between them and her were not all the same. In Xia Jingzhe’s world, Xu Jiao was cold-hearted and emotionless, from beginning to end like an observer’s role, almost never exploring Xia Jingzhe’s inner thoughts. Until finally, Xia Jingzhe turned dark, locked her up, and then contended with the Heavenly Emperor, placing Xu Jiao in that supreme position. From start to finish, Xu Jiao was like an audience member below the stage, suddenly given a costume by someone unknown, hastily pushed onto the stage to perform.
She only vaguely knew the usual plot, and faced with the sudden performance of the other acting character, her mind went blank, completely not knowing how to respond. She only had the impulse to immediately turn and leave the stage, throwing the costume aside, letting whoever wanted to act take over.
Then, with Shen Yelan.
Xu Jiao only wanted this play to proceed according to her own ideas. She actively threw a few coins into the hat on the stage, wanting it to reach the ending she desired. Who knew that while the performer’s face agreed well enough, once they opened their mouth, it became an unfamiliar tune to her.
Even “utterly dumbfounded” wasn’t enough to describe Xu Jiao’s state.
After two consecutive instances of not following the usual path, Xu Jiao finally developed some adaptability. By the time she got to Feng Qingyu, she was already mentally prepared. Even if the other party pulled her onto the stage and professed love in front of everyone, she remained calm and composed. This time, she was like a passerby on the street being stopped by a clown performer for a magic trick. She smiled faintly, politely declined, and continued on her own path.
She neither lost her composure nor let the other party feel embarrassed, maintaining the relationship at just the right distance, stopping at the appropriate point.
Until…
She began to focus her attention on these people, exploring the logic behind their actions.
As a result, this time, everyone around her was ordinary. The task required her to find out who was the special one. Xu Jiao had no clue at all, not even knowing what kind of play the other party was going to perform. She could only rely on the experiences from the previous times to look for similarities, half-guessing and half-speculating.
In this process, she met someone similar to herself, who also loved an unattainable, very distant object of affection. They relied on each other, leaned on each other, until she vaguely completed the task. Looking back, she realized that she had unknowingly become another performer on the stage, finishing a play together with the other party.
This play even had a sequel.
And that was this world.
At most, she could only think that this story was a sequel to the previous one. Who could have imagined that this was actually the fifth part…
Xu Jiao instinctively picked up conspiracy theories for a moment, feeling that her encounters with the other party from the very beginning seemed to have been arranged. She wanted to ask the system, but after the words circled in her mind a few times, she dismissed the idea.
Taking a step back.
Even if these stories were truly arranged by the system, would the system really reveal everything behind it if she asked?
Xu Jiao asked herself, if she were the planner, she certainly wouldn’t do that.
So, after thinking it through, she didn’t respond to Zheng Zhiyu’s mention of predestined connection. Instead, she threw an ambiguous probe at the system: “System, what do you think about her dream?”
The system was quiet for a moment, then answered her in a very calm voice:
“You are a person with strong opinions.”
“Now, you probably have started to doubt my original intention in having you participate in the harmony tasks, and also suspect that I deliberately colluded with these protagonists to fool you, or have some other scheme. But if I say it’s not so, would you believe me?”
Xu Jiao let out a “Ha” and said, “You’re right.”
She wouldn’t believe it.
The only one she could trust was herself.
As if hearing her answer, the system replied to Xu Jiao in an extremely calm voice without any fluctuation: “No matter how much I say, it’s not as real as what you feel in your heart. If you think it’s a conspiracy, then go find the reasons behind it. If you think her love is a false illusion to confuse you, then go seek evidence.”
Xu Jiao smiled pretentiously and habitually retorted: “But the power to traverse these stories is in your hands. If you were to pull some tricks, wouldn’t I be defenseless?”
System: “…”
It answered quite sincerely: “You should know, if I could pull any tricks on you, I would first find a way to install the human emotion package I have onto you. Since the first world, your performance has been so cold-blooded that even I, an artificial intelligence, want to criticize you!”
Xu Jiao responded to it with little sincerity: “You flatter me.”
In her heart, Xu Jiao secretly made a decision. She wanted to figure out what exactly was going on with these female protagonists’ continuous line of memories.
It couldn’t be that these female leads’ love for her was so deep that it became an obsession, and thus was inherited from one book to another, could it?
The sound of unnamed insects rose, accompanying the small path along which Zheng Zhiyu carried Xu Jiao towards the house, playing a scattered melody near and far.
Next door to the Xu family, the neighbors had built a brand new Western-style house. Now, as the owner got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and turned on the second-floor light, they looked out the window—
With this glance, somehow they saw a red figure.
And Xu Jiao floating in mid-air.
The male neighbor’s hand trembled, his whole body shuddered, and cold sweat broke out on his back like fine fuzz. He took a deep breath, lowered his head to reassure himself, then looked outside again.
Where were the floating person and the red clothing now?
The road was still as dark as ever.
The man swallowed, feeling both scared and curious. His gaze seemed glued to the window, staring intently at that spot, ready to see any horrifying scene.
He stared blankly like this for about half a minute.
Nothing happened.
His trembling hand gradually stopped its rhythm, and he comforted himself by muttering:
“Must have been seeing things?”
“Definitely seeing things, f*ck, gave me a fright…”
Compared to his relief at having survived a close call, Old Xu and his wife weren’t so lucky. Upon discovering that the one who had returned was not the bald master from before, but Xu Jiao coming to claim their lives, the two immediately fell on their backsides.
The carrying pole in Xu Dashu’s hand tapped out a “tok tok tok” sound on the ground.
Especially now that Zheng Zhiyu deliberately revealed herself before them, letting them see her blood-red clothing, jet-black long hair, lifeless eyes, and excessively pale cheeks.
Anyone who saw her would be frightened by this appearance that was extremely unlike a living person.
Mother Xu immediately wet her pants and crawled towards Xu Dashu, crawling and shouting harshly: “Xu Jiao! You unfilial daughter! How dare you do this to us! Even if I become a ghost, I won’t let you off!”
Her voice tore through her throat, sounding almost like a scream, with the final note rising to a pitch-breaking level.
Before Xu Jiao could speak, Zheng Zhiyu had already drifted forward a distance. She deliberately approached Mother Xu in this way, with her feet leaving the ground, silently coming before her. With an eerie, sinister smile on her face, she slowly said:
“Is that so?”
“If you really become a ghost, wouldn’t that be just what I want? It’s been a long time since I’ve had soup made from a little ghost’s heart. I wonder if an old thing like you, becoming an old ghost, would still have that flavor.”
Mother Xu’s pupils constricted, her entire body tensed to the extreme, and an even more foul odor emanated from beneath her.
Xu Jiao directly retreated from the doorway.
She felt she needed to breathe some fresh air.
As for Xu Dashu, as if already knowing he had no way out, he muttered obsessively: “We shouldn’t have kept her back then… shouldn’t have kept her… I should have strangled her…”
He could no longer hear what his wife was saying, either shocked by the truth of Xu Jiao returning alive with an evil ghost, or his unresolved inner conflict had already caused internal injury.
Zheng Zhiyu left him untouched for now.
She had prepared many terrifying scenarios, intending to let Mother Xu experience them first. Unexpectedly, Mother Xu couldn’t withstand the fright; as soon as she realized her surroundings had turned completely black, she fainted, her whole body going limp.
Zheng Zhiyu’s face showed complete boredom. She turned to scare Xu Dashu, but he had some unknown issue. In that illusory realm, he started wildly swinging the carrying pole in his hand, his eyes reddened, circling the room several times. Later, he even began singing Qin opera, treating himself as a warrior killing evil ghosts, going round and round in that illusion, chopping at ghosts.
This reaction wasn’t what Zheng Zhiyu wanted either.
But she couldn’t actually scare the old man and woman to death. After observing for a while, she felt that scaring these two was less satisfying than teasing Xu Jiao. The red figure passed through the wall, circled outside the courtyard, only to find Xu Jiao on the roof, looking at the stars with her arms behind her head.
She drifted upwards leisurely, raising her height, and swayed in front of Xu Jiao, lowering her head to make eye contact.
Somehow, the commotion inside the house hadn’t traveled outside at all. Xu Jiao couldn’t hear anything from outside. Seeing Zheng Zhiyu come out so quickly, she thought for a moment and said to her:
“They’re not dead, are they?”
Thinking of the scene just now, Zheng Zhiyu’s eyes showed a hint of boredom, but this only made her gaze seem more hollow. She had finished what she set out to do, yet inexplicably felt unsatisfied seeing Xu Jiao so relaxed behind her back. So she deliberately didn’t answer, instead retorting:
“You only want to ask about them, nothing to say to me?”
Xu Jiao thought about her threatening words to Mother Xu earlier, pondered seriously for a moment, and replied:
“Yes.”
Zheng Zhiyu: “?”
Xu Jiao said: “Don’t eat wild game.”
Zheng Zhiyu: “…???”
She was bewildered for two seconds before realizing what Xu Jiao meant by “wild game.” She immediately felt both amused and exasperated, and could only answer helplessly: “I was just scaring her, I don’t have such hobbies.”
Xu Jiao nodded slightly, as if only then did she feel relieved.
She was looking at the scenery in the sky, while Zheng Zhiyu was looking at the scenery of the human world, staring at Xu Jiao’s face for a long time. She suddenly became distracted, thinking about the Xu Jiao in those previous scenes. Although each of her appearances was different, her personality was exactly the same.
On the surface, it seemed she took everything seriously, but in reality, nothing truly entered her eyes.
If these scenes had all truly happened, then why did Xu Jiao, in these worlds, come to her side time and time again?
This question instantly occupied her mind.
But it didn’t occupy much space, probably about the same position as “need to be wary of that monk coming back for revenge.”
Now, Zheng Zhiyu clearly grasped the key point in an instant from those fleeting contents that were like flowers in a mirror and moon in the water—
Xu Jiao had someone she liked.
This person was not her.
At this moment, Zheng Zhiyu felt that other people’s coffins might be filled with preservatives, but hers was the only one that had been mistakenly filled with lemon juice instead, which could soak her so thoroughly that even her soul exuded a sour smell.
Her mood was like a roller coaster, fluctuating wildly in an instant, but she showed nothing on her face. At most, Xu Jiao sensed it was a bit cold, raised her hand to rub her arm, then stared at Zheng Zhiyu for a while, and suddenly, without any warning, asked:
“Do you… want to do it again?”
Zheng Zhiyu, still immersed in feelings of jealousy: “!”
At this moment, she was a bit dazed, not knowing what reaction of hers had led Xu Jiao to make such an association. But quickly, she realized that no matter what, this was always an opportunity for them to be close. As long as she performed well, perhaps one day she could push that person out of Xu Jiao’s heart and take their place instead.
Even if a subtle sourness still lingered in her heart.
But sour as she felt, she didn’t let go of this opportunity to “break the fast”. Seeing Xu Jiao’s invitation, while her gaze was still fixed on the stars in the sky, she suddenly raised her hand and said:
“Want to try something special?”
Xu Jiao’s original intention was just confusion, not understanding why Zheng Zhiyu was standing there staring at her. Associating it with what usually happened after being stared at like this, she asked the question.
But because her confusion was too obvious, she didn’t understand if this ghost was a reincarnation of a lustful ghost. They had just fooled around not long ago, why could she generate other thoughts so quickly?
After hearing Zheng Zhiyu’s answer, she showed an expression as if it was within expectation, and calmly replied:
“Thank you, I don’t want to.”
Hearing her mid-sentence turn, Zheng Zhiyu instantly felt somewhat unhappy, thinking that Xu Jiao had never actively sought closeness with her. In the next moment, her raised hand landed on Xu Jiao’s shoulder, leaning towards her face—
Xu Jiao faced her at close range, and to avoid the situation where her vision couldn’t focus, she simply moved her gaze away and asked:
“You…”
What are you going to do now?
Before the words could come out, she suddenly felt herself becoming somewhat light and floaty. Just as she was about to stand up and scold, the thought barely formed when her perspective had already elevated. But more absurd than this was that in her peripheral vision, she seemed to notice her own legs, one pair standing straight up, while another pair was still lying flat on the rooftop.
She looked down at her now somewhat translucent state, only then realizing that her soul had actually left her body.
And this couldn’t be unrelated to Zheng Zhiyu.
Although in this soul state, her body’s instinctive reactions when facing this evil ghost were more sensitive, as if sensing the other’s power and instinctively wanting to tremble, perhaps knowing she wouldn’t be harmed, Xu Jiao actually suppressed this instinct and stared at Zheng Zhiyu expressionlessly.
This time, Zheng Zhiyu very seriously asked her: “When I asked you this question last time, you didn’t answer. Can I ask it again this time?”
Xu Jiao thought to herself, if you want to ask, just ask, why did you have to make me into this state?
Could it be that the spirit state had some buff for forced answering or inability to lie?
The doubt swept through her mind.
Zheng Zhiyu’s words had already come out: “Do you like me a little bit now?”
Before Xu Jiao could respond, she quickly added: “Or rather, in your heart, besides your beloved, can you spare a tiny bit of space to fit me in?”
Xu Jiao: “…”
Her expression went blank for a moment.
After knowing who Zheng Zhiyu was referring to, Xu Jiao moved her lips and said with lowered eyes: “She… has never been in a relationship with me. The her in my eyes is the result of countless imaginations, not the real one.”
Once, Xu Jiao thought her obsession with that person was deep, deep like love, just like being in love with someone unreachable. Even if they could never meet again, the other’s goodness always remained in her heart, their actions and behavior always influencing her. So she took it upon herself to have a secret crush on the other person, and also regarded them as the only one who could possibly move her heart.
After all, she was inherently indifferent in matters of emotion.
But…
Since meeting Lilith, she discovered that her belief, which had always been as solid as a rock, had actually wavered.
She fell unconsciously, just like when she first became aware of her own thoughts and began to understand this world a long time ago. When she came to her senses, her gaze was already focused on the other person.
First, it was Lilith, then Zheng Zhiyu.
Now Zheng Zhiyu was saying, no, there was an even earlier story.
They…
Seemed to have known each other for a very long time without realizing it.
Even though at first Xu Jiao was unwilling to actively have any contact with the other person, the current fact is that she seems to have inadvertently made the female protagonist in her writing fall in love with her again and again, unable to extricate herself, as if under some spell.
Moreover, although she clearly knew these encounters were too coincidental, she still couldn’t quickly extinguish that small thought that had already begun.
Hearing Xu Jiao’s answer, Zheng Zhiyu seemed to discern something from it. She narrowed her eyes, leaned closer to her, a cool breath blowing on Xu Jiao’s face. Xu Jiao heard her ask slowly:
“So?”
So thinking about it this way, she actually did like the female protagonist in her writing a little bit.
Xu Jiao took a moment to criticize herself in her heart:
It’s truly unbelievable.
The more impossible the love, the deeper she seemed to fall into it. First, she fell in love with someone who had already died, and now she was in love with a character she had created in her writing.
She didn’t make a sound, but Zheng Zhiyu insisted on hearing her answer. She raised her hand and pinched Xu Jiao’s chin, that coldness seeping into the crevices of her bones. In a manner that was somewhat like an interrogation, yet also as if about to kiss her, she softly spoke:
“If you like me even a little bit, why have I never noticed it?”
“Is it because it’s always been me who actively approached you, while you never did, not even once?”
“Oh, you did. You actively seduced me once—to find out if I had any deliberate scheme to get close to you.”
She was referring to the events in Feng Qingyu’s world.
Xu Jiao thought Feng Qingyu had some connection with Shen Yelan and Xia Jingzhe, so she rarely took the initiative to approach the other person, adopting an almost seductive posture to entice the other to tell the truth.
But doing so is a kind of harm to someone who truly likes you.
As if concentrating the resentment of five lifetimes of unrequited love in an instant, Zheng Zhiyu also lowered her eyelids, her long eyelashes covering the emotions in her eyes. Her voice became much softer, like a feather brushing across the tip of Xu Jiao’s heart:
“Although I know you have no feelings for me, and I’ve prepared myself to never be liked by you.”
“But, Jiaojiao, I’m really a little sad right now.”
How strong must a heart be to endure such pain again and again?
Hearing Zheng Zhiyu’s words, Xu Jiao’s brow twitched. She raised her hand and grasped Zheng Zhiyu’s wrist. In that moment, she felt that these female protagonists were not projections of that person from before, but clearly projections of herself.
Knowing it’s impossible, yet still trying again and again with a fully committed attitude, attempting to obtain this almost delusional love, even if covered in wounds, forever tirelessly full of hope.
She responded for the first time—
Slightly raising her chin, Xu Jiao leaned in and kissed Zheng Zhiyu’s lips, as if wanting to tell her, your god has truly seen you this time.
Zheng Zhiyu heard her ask the previous question again, but with slightly changed meaning:
“Do you… want to do it?”
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