After Transmigrating as a Scumbag Alpha, I Marked the Crazy Hotshot – Chapter 78

I’m Really Tired

“She already regretted what happened last time. She had decided to tell you, and she stopped the medication long ago.”

Seeing that Cheng Jiqing was about to leave, Tang Jia grew a little anxious. She understood how important Cheng Jiqing was to Bai Xin, and Cheng Jiqing’s reaction told her that this time wouldn’t end like the last.

            

“So?”

Cheng Jiqing stood sideways, lifting her gaze. “Should I thank you?”

“Thank you for using the inducer as an excuse to exploit me and draw my blood? Thank you for stopping?”

            

Tang Jia was speechless.

“It was a scheme from the very beginning, including my trust… Oh…” Cheng Jiqing suddenly thought of something, her brow furrowing in pain. “In that case, the contract marriage was also part of the scheme.”

Cheng Jiqing’s voice suddenly became very soft.

            

As if even she was afraid to say the words out loud.

Tang Jia couldn’t find a single word to defend them, because everything Cheng Jiqing said was true. Yet, she still wanted to say something in Bai Xin’s defense.

Cheng Jiqing closed her eyes for a moment and said, “Then I shouldn’t blame you, right? Because you didn’t exactly lie to me. You just found another way to make me give blood, turning me from a research collaborator into a little lab rat in your experiment.”

            

She suddenly remembered.

The contract stated that she would cooperate with the hospital for monthly blood draws to create the ‘inducer side-effect medication.’

But when she was giving blood back then, there was another agreement with the hospital. Simply put, she had agreed to let her blood be used for any scientific research.

            

At the time, she hadn’t thought anything was wrong. Thinking back now, Bai Xin, Tang Jia—every single one of them had prepared an escape route for themselves.

Afterward, their relationship was harmonious, full of laughter and gentle words, warm and friendly. Yet, not once did anyone tell her the truth.

Friendly to her face, but deceiving her behind her back.

            

Cheng Jiqing looked at Tang Jia, then thought of Bai Xin, and was suddenly struck by a sense of strangeness.

The feeling sent a chill down her spine.

“In your eyes, I must be pretty stupid, right?”

            

That assistant was right. She was an idiot. She deserved to be deceived.

“Cheng Jiqing…”

Before Tang Jia could say anything else, Cheng Jiqing had already turned and left.

            

Tang Jia stood by the desk, not chasing after her. It was useless to say anything now. She had to call Bai Xin immediately.

Cheng Jiqing knew everything—before Bai Xin could tell her herself.

That was the worst part.

            

Beneath the tall building stood a few bleak, cold trees. Their leaves had long been blown away, gone who knows where.

The afternoon sun didn’t reach the branches, nor did it reach Cheng Jiqing.

Her phone rang many, many times, but she didn’t answer, just letting it vibrate in her pocket.

            

She was just so tired.

Heart-tired.

Physically tired.

            

It was like the sudden crash after a moment of extreme bliss. She was still falling, not yet having hit the bottom, her entire being in a daze, not knowing where she was or where she was going.

A vast expanse of bewilderment and empty panic.

Walking and walking, Cheng Jiqing looked at the unfamiliar city block before her and suddenly felt as if she had woken from a long dream—she didn’t seem to belong to this world.

            

No, she wasn’t from this world to begin with.

The phone was still vibrating.

Cheng Jiqing’s hand, which had been clutching it in her pocket, was already frozen stiff. She took out her phone and saw the incoming call. The name was a bit blurry. She blinked, and it came into focus.

            

She glanced at the café in front of her and, in silence, hung up the call.

The cold wind had been blowing for too long. Her throat was dry and hoarse, and she felt it would hurt to speak.

She opened WeChat, sent a location, and then walked inside.

            

It was another café, but this time she found a private room.

There was a window to the side. On the street outside, the pure white snow had been trampled into thin puddles of dirty water, reflecting the passing, fragmented silhouettes of people.

Inside the private room, the central air conditioning blew silently from above. The wheat tea on the table, steaming with white vapor, felt like a tiny, purchased sliver of warmth.

            

Cheng Jiqing did nothing, simply waiting in silence.

Just like the ten-odd minutes she had waited quietly after calling Bai Xin from the other café to question her.

The difference was, she hadn’t gotten a return call from Bai Xin at that café.

            

This time, however, she was waiting for Bai Xin to arrive in person.

The sound of the sliding door ground across her heart. She looked over. Bai Xin had rushed here. Her usually exquisite face was flushed red from the cold, her breathing slightly ragged, yet she looked more stunning than ever.

Just like when they first met.

            

Cheng Jiqing said, “Sit.”

She had thought she would be heartbroken and hysterical the moment she saw her, or feel some more complex emotion. But there was nothing.

She didn’t know why, but the instant she saw Bai Xin, her heart suddenly felt a little empty.

            

She even poured Bai Xin a cup of water, equally steaming hot.

“Let me explain…”

Bai Xin looked down at Cheng Jiqing. If she had been frantic last time, right now, she was terrified.

            

The look in Cheng Jiqing’s eyes was hollow, devoid of any emotion, as if her soul had been extracted and could depart at any moment.

Cheng Jiqing cut Bai Xin off. “I didn’t want to go back, so I just found a random place.”

Those first words made Bai Xin’s face turn pale.

            

Was it that she didn’t want to go back now, or that she never wanted to go back again? Cheng Jiqing’s tone leaned toward the latter.

Cheng Jiqing had already looked away. She took a sip of water, hoping to make her voice sound less raspy.

“If you’re not going to sit, I’ll just say it like this.”

            

In the calmest voice, Cheng Jiqing said, “You know, until today, I always believed that even though it was a contract marriage, you had at least a sliver of genuine feeling for me. Because you told me you needed me. You told me it couldn’t be anyone else but me. You said… it could only be me.”

Her voice was exceedingly slow, like snow melting, bit by bit.

“I did,” Bai Xin stepped forward, standing before Cheng Jiqing. “It’s just that back then, I didn’t know yet…”

            

Cheng Jiqing didn’t look up. She continued, “The contract marriage was your guarantee, and your escape route.”

The contract stated that if she wanted a divorce, she would lose all her assets. But Bai Xin wasn’t just afraid of her breaking the agreement; she was also afraid of a situation like today’s. Bai Xin thought that even if she learned the truth, she would hesitate to act for fear of the consequences,​¹ not daring to divorce, and thus be forced to continue giving blood. Until the medication she truly needed was produced.

“Back then, you were afraid I’d find out your secret about the dual glands, so you used the inducer as an excuse. Then, you used the inducer as a reason, time and again, to get close to me, to be intimate with me, and then to use me to make your medicine. Is that right?”

            

Bai Xin had said she needed her because of what she’d done, because of the mark, but in reality, she was exploiting her guilt and trust.

How she wished Bai Xin would refute her, even argue with her, tell her it wasn’t like that.

But she didn’t.

            

Bai Xin wanted to explain, but every word Cheng Jiqing spoke was true—at least, it had been true in the past.

She suddenly felt a surge of fear. She wanted to grab Cheng Jiqing’s hand.

But she didn’t even touch her.

            

Cheng Jiqing pulled away.

The movement made Bai Xin flinch, her breath hitching.

Cheng Jiqing seemed not to notice. Her heart was a desolate wasteland as she said coolly, “Back then, I thought it was just my imagination, but in reality, I truly was just a tool. A role to fulfill your needs. The role of a lab rat for your experiments… My guilt and the contract were your greatest weapons. That’s why you could come to me when you needed me and leave when you didn’t, without ever considering my feelings.”

            

Cheng Jiqing remembered the times after they’d been intimate, how she’d woken up several times to find Bai Xin had coldly departed.

She could even pull away and leave in the middle of the night without a single word.

“That was at the beginning. Back then, I wasn’t even aware of my feelings for you. Chengcheng, don’t talk about yourself like that… You’re not.” Bai Xin bent down, kneeling beside Cheng Jiqing, her hand gripping Cheng Jiqing’s arm.

            

Even though she could physically feel her, her heart was still pounding with a terrifying panic.

Cheng Jiqing this time did not immediately pull away. She just looked at Bai Xin’s eyes. “But even when you were hot and cold, even when you didn’t trust me, I still softened later on. Because you cried and told me about your feud with the Bai family. You cried and asked me to be the only one to dote on you.”

After saying this, Cheng Jiqing’s eyes suddenly reddened, her voice growing hoarse. “So I thought, since you have me in your heart, maybe we just need some time to get along. Even if you still have secrets, you’ll tell me one day. I even made that ridiculous three-month rule! After that day on the Beicheng Bridge, I thought we had a tacit understanding. But what was the result?”

            

Bai Xin gazed at those eyes, which had always been so clear but were now clouded with mist. Her heart felt like it was being twisted by a knife. She gripped Cheng Jiqing even tighter. “I’m sorry.”

She couldn’t say anything else.

“The result was, while you were caught up in sweet affection with me, you could still hide the truth about XM, about Y2, and about Zhou Yushu from me with a straight face. You were mindful of every single thing related to the Cheng Corporation. But I still softened. Why?”

            

“Because I still understood you, empathized with you, and my heart ached for everything you’d been through, for all your past suffering! I also believed in your feelings for me… But Bai Xin!” Cheng Jiqing stared into the eyes that had made her heart flutter countless times and asked, word by word:

“Is it also because of my soft-heartedness, my compromises, that it created the illusion that I don’t feel pain?”

“In your eyes, my heart doesn’t hurt, is that it?”

            

Tears instantly streamed down Bai Xin’s face. The pained expression on Cheng Jiqing’s face made her feel like her own heart was about to explode. She shook her head. “No, it’s not. I wanted to tell you. I was scared. I was afraid that if I told you, you would leave me. I don’t want you to be in pain, Chengcheng… I’m sorry, please don’t be sad…”

“And yet, do you know what hurts me more?”

Cheng Jiqing’s vision blurred. The white steam rising from the cup was like a frail, wandering soul that gradually fell silent.

            

She said slowly, “It’s not the blood draws, not the concealment, not the meticulously planned contract marriage, not your past schemes against me—even if your goal from the start was to dig out my heart, as long as you had told me afterward, I wouldn’t be in this much pain now.”

“What hurts me is your ‘one time after another.’ You say it won’t happen again, but there’s always a next time. You say you won’t hide things from me, but there’s always something for me to guess. What hurts me even more is that from beginning to end, you never truly believed in my feelings for you.”

It was as if no matter how much she did, she could never make Bai Xin believe in her devotion.

            

By the last sentence, Cheng Jiqing’s voice was so faint even she could barely hear it.

As if she were utterly exhausted.

“I had already decided to tell you. When I told you about the glands, I had truly decided to tell you everything… I was scared, Chengcheng. I was scared that once you knew how it all began, you would leave me.”

            

“You clearly had better chances to say it! Haven’t I asked you before?”

Even today, when she answered the phone, she was still asking Bai Xin if she was hiding anything. Hadn’t she asked?

But Bai Xin still hadn’t said anything. Nothing at all.

            

No one could understand how it felt to hear the truth from someone else’s lips.

No one could understand how it felt to recall every little moment with Bai Xin, only to realize with dawning horror that she couldn’t tell what was fake and what was real.

And no one could understand what it was like for her sincere heart to be let down time and time again, what state of mind she was in right now.

            

“I was a coward. But Cheng Jiqing, you’re all I have left in this world. I always felt the time wasn’t right. Ever since you told me you hate being deceived, after what happened last time, I haven’t had a day of peace. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid that the past deception and exploitation would make you hate me completely. So I didn’t dare. But I really had decided to tell you…”

Bai Xin was filled with endless regret. If only she had done it a little sooner. If only she had been a bit more resolute last time. If, when Cheng Jiqing had asked her today, she hadn’t hesitated.

But there were no ‘if onlys’.

            

She looked at Cheng Jiqing. It turned out that seeing the person you love in such pain, with reddened eyes, could make your own heart hurt even more.

Hearing the sound of crying beside her, Cheng Jiqing felt as if a hand was squeezing her heart—aching, yet as still as dead embers.

She felt as if she were trapped in a gray haze.

            

She said wearily, “Maybe. But I’m tired. I’m really tired.”

Cheng Jiqing’s hoarse voice indeed sounded utterly exhausted.

Her mind and body felt like they had been through a massive upheaval. She wanted to rest.

            

To leave this place.

Alone.

Cheng Jiqing lifted Bai Xin’s hand, then slowly pulled her own arm free. It was strange. She had been in the air-conditioned room for so long, yet her hand was still cold.

            

“Are you going to leave me?” Bai Xin asked, her voice trembling.

Unlike last time, she saw a dead stillness in Cheng Jiqing’s eyes, a profound disappointment. She knew that if she let her go now, Cheng Jiqing would probably never come back.

This time, she really wouldn’t come back.

            

Cheng Jiqing lowered her head, her gaze meeting the two striking tear tracks on that bewitching face. “I’m just heart-tired.”

She didn’t deny it.

Bai Xin threw herself into her embrace, her arms wrapping tightly around her. “You promised you would always be by my side. Chengcheng, I was just one step too late. I really was just one step too late. You can’t leave me… You can’t.”

            

Bai Xin sobbed, tears falling, her voice trembling. The end of her words carried a plea and a hint of obsession.

As if she had suffered a terrible injustice.

Just like that day when a drunk Bai Xin had cried in her arms, saying she missed her mother.

            

Cheng Jiqing’s heart was pierced with pain, and her eyes reddened again, but she didn’t offer any words of comfort.

Because right now, she needed comfort, too.

She was in pain, too.

            

Bai Xin clutched the hem of Cheng Jiqing’s clothes tightly. “Chengcheng.”

Cheng Jiqing still said nothing.

A long time passed.

            

Cheng Jiqing pulled Bai Xin up. Her own tears had already dried beneath her eyelids, but Bai Xin’s hadn’t.

Aside from certain moments, Bai Xin really wasn’t one to cry.

She had also always been most afraid of Bai Xin’s tears; the moment she cried, she would soften. It had always been this way.

            

Perhaps it was because her heart was in too much pain today, because a glacier of disappointment had descended and frozen her senses, that she paid it no mind.

Cheng Jiqing turned her head, the sun gradually setting in the west. The places untouched by sunlight grew dim, steeped in the snow’s mournful sorrow.

Prosperous, yet desolate.

            

She said in a low voice, “Let’s go.”

Bai Xin looked at Cheng Jiqing’s almost emotionless face and sucked in a sharp breath.

Just as Cheng Jiqing was about to pull her up, a familiar aura pressed in. Bai Xin kissed her forcefully, much more forcefully than ever before. It was so fast, effortlessly sweeping up all the moisture in her mouth.

            

Cheng Jiqing’s breath was completely consumed, just like her heart.

But because it was so full, the feeling of suffocation was even more severe, and the pain was even worse.

Cheng Jiqing grabbed Bai Xin’s shoulders and violently shoved her away.

            

Bai Xin’s shoulder slammed into the corner of the nearby table. She didn’t seem to feel it. Her eyes, red and filled with tears, stubbornly sought an answer from Cheng Jiqing. “Tell me, you won’t leave me, right?”

Cheng Jiqing’s gaze shifted away from her shoulder.

“Do you really want to know my answer right now?”

            

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LP: Delicious angst

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