Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 2

The Empress Dowager is Terrifying

In the sixth year of the Yongtai era, it was the fourth month, and the old elm tree in the courtyard of the Bureau of Imperial Gardens was full of elm coins.¹ A few days prior, some young, greedy eunuchs who wanted to eat elm coin steamed buns and elm coin rice had climbed the tree and picked several branches clean.

Yao Xi, who had taken the day off, sat alone on a bamboo chair under the elm tree, gazing with a sorrowful expression through the sparse leaves at the clear sky, freshly washed by a spring rain.

Today was her birthday.

Counting carefully, Yao Xi had four birthdays. One was at the end of the 20th century AD. One was the day the original owner, Sun Xibao, was born. One was the day she transmigrated into Sun Xibao. And one was the birthday of the little Yao-surnamed eunuch she was impersonating.

By rights, having entered the palace as a substitute, she should have celebrated the little eunuch Yao’s birthday. But in her heart, Yao Xi had always treated April 28, 1998, as her one and only birthday. Not that it mattered anymore. Eunuchs who served before a master might receive some gift money on their birthdays or holidays. Even those who were doing poorly and didn’t have face time with a master would still get a red envelope from a godfather or the like.

Yao Xi did not have a godfather. It was strange. Every year, a new batch of recruits would enter the palace. Those with handsome features and clever, pleasing words would be claimed by the managers of various agencies. Those with more mediocre qualifications would be taken in by assistant directors or the like. Even those riddled with faults would be wanted by old eunuchs with no one to carry on their line.

Only she was a pitiful child that no one paid any mind to. In terms of looks, she wasn’t inferior to anyone. She had a sweet mouth, too, and since entering the palace, her skill to speak human language to humans and ghost language to ghosts² had been cultivated to perfection. However, it was fucking useless.³ If no one wanted her, no one wanted her.

Having no backer in the palace meant you would be bullied. Fortunately, although Yao Xi didn’t have a powerful godfather, she had acknowledged a brother. Her brother, Zheng Dayun, was one of the adopted sons of Director Tang, the top dog of the Directorate of Ceremonial. Unfortunately, not long after Zheng Dayun had become her sworn brother, he was sent by Director Tang to the Jiangnan Weaving Bureau on business and had yet to return.

In the year or so since entering the palace, her days at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens had been relatively comfortable. The fact that she could live in a room by herself might have been thanks to Zheng Dayun, or perhaps Eunuch Liu, who had bought her into the palace back then, had given instructions in secret.

Thinking of Eunuch Liu, Yao Xi felt that the circumstances of her entering the palace were bizarre through and through.

Eunuchs were currently in power. Although becoming a palace eunuch was a disgrace, having enough to eat was not a problem. If one did well, great wealth and honor were even possible. Moreover, a eunuch’s family could be exempted from corvée labor and taxes. How many desperate people among the common folk had cut off their own jewels for a chance at this livelihood, only to lose more than they gained because they had no connections to get into the palace?

So why was it that not only did she not have to spend money to grease the wheels, but she had even received two hundred taels? Who was this little Yao-surnamed eunuch she was replacing? And what was Eunuch Liu’s ultimate goal in bringing her into the palace?

There were many things Yao Xi couldn’t figure out. Her intuition told her the truth of the matter was not simple, and she didn’t dare to investigate, let alone ask anyone. If her identity as a woman were to be implicated, she feared her life would be forfeit. At this thought, Yao Xi couldn’t help but look down at her gradually swelling chest. Even bound with cloth strips, the curve of its rise and fall was still faintly visible. A seventeen-year-old girl’s body was already mostly developed. To be safe, she would have to wrap it even tighter starting tomorrow.

As Yao Xi sat there, lost in her wild thoughts, the sound of young eunuchs jeering came from outside the courtyard gate. The moment she heard that lewd hooting, she knew that a pretty palace maid must have arrived.

“This bunch of losers,” Yao Xi said, but she herself craned her neck to look toward the gate.

The Bureau of Imperial Gardens was in a remote location, and the task of delivering rations to the various consorts never fell to those at their level. Thus, Yao Xi didn’t have many opportunities to see palace maids; all who came and went around her were eunuchs. Most eunuchs were sallow and emaciated, nothing much to look at. Worse, because they had lost their roots and couldn’t vent their fire,⁴ and had no outlet for the frustrations they suffered from their masters and superiors, over time their personalities all became a bit… how to put it… perverted?

The palace maids were much easier on the eyes. The beauties in the palace weren’t just the consorts and ladies of the various palaces; every single palace maid was handpicked from among the common people. The palace chose people based only on their faces, unlike those beauty pageants with their shady dealings. Anyone who could stay in the palace was bound to be attractive. With a rare beauty visiting the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, Yao Xi also wanted to take the chance to feast her eyes.

Unexpectedly, the visitor was Maiden Hanqiu from Beauty Xu’s palace.

“Hanqiu-gugu.”⁵ Seeing Hanqiu arrive, Yao Xi quickly stood up and offered her the chair. “Are you here to pick something up for Beauty Xu?”

Hanqiu smiled at Yao Xi and shook her head gently. Among all the eunuchs in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, only Yao Xi was somewhat likable. He had handsome features, a clean look in his eyes, and spoke with propriety. Moreover, the Bureau of Imperial Gardens was responsible for procurement, so leaving the palace was a common occurrence. Hanqiu would occasionally ask Yao Xi to help buy some small things for her. Through these comings and goings, she was also willing to lend a hand where she could help Yao Xi.

“I came to pass a message to you.” Hanqiu looked back and saw the crowd of young eunuchs still jostling at the gate, staring at her. She leaned close to Yao Xi’s ear and whispered, “Yu Gui, who serves Beauty Xu, has gotten into trouble. You should go to the Directorate of Palace Attendants and pull some strings, see if you can get transferred to the Beauty’s side. Although our Beauty’s rank isn’t high, she’s very generous to her attendants. Haven’t you always wanted to save up for a shop?”

Hanqiu had her own selfish reasons for helping Yao Xi. Her former colleague, the eunuch Yu Gui, had a filthy gaze and an even filthier heart. He had spoken insolently to her several times and shamelessly pestered her to form a paired meal with him.⁶ She was afraid that the Directorate of Palace Attendants would send another one with Yu Gui’s character, which would be utterly disgusting.

How could Yao Xi not want to find a lucrative post to save some money? She had no intention of being a eunuch for life. The longer she stayed in the palace, the greater the risk of being discovered as a girl. Naturally, the sooner she could get out, the better. But as a lowly jack-of-all-trades in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, she would never save more than a few taels even if she worked until she died. Without enough money to establish herself on the outside, she could only stay in the palace for food and shelter.

Pulling strings required money, and no small amount at that. Her entire fortune right now was only a few hundred copper coins. Who would even look at her measly sum? “It’s kind of Hanqiu-gugu to think of Yao Xi, but I have neither connections nor money…”

Hanqiu took out two large paper packages from her sleeve and handed them to Yao Xi. “Gugu knows you haven’t saved much. This small package is tea I received when I served Concubine Li. Old tea has a rich fragrance, so it’s a presentable gift. This large package is pastries I made myself. Take these things when you go find the person in charge. Just be a sweet-talker. The people who have a say in the Directorate of Palace Attendants aren’t short on your bit of silver.”

Opportunities were rare. Yao Xi didn’t put on a false show of modesty. She gratefully thanked Hanqiu, accepted the two packages, and saw her to the gate. The crowd of young eunuchs at the entrance had watched the two of them whisper head-to-head for a good while, and saw Hanqiu give Yao Xi two packages before leaving. They were sure something was going on between them and started jeering again.

Yao Xi ignored them. After seeing Hanqiu out, she took the gifts and went straight to the Directorate of Palace Attendants. Upon arriving, Yao Xi asked around and heard that Director Ye, who was in charge of reassignments, had just gone to Concubine Kang’s palace to deliver a new servant and hadn’t returned yet. Afraid that someone else might get there first,⁷ Yao Xi went to the palace herself and stood waiting for Director Ye in the cherry blossom grove outside Concubine Kang’s palace gates.

The cherry blossoms were in full bloom, a sea of pink. A gentle breeze swept by, showering Yao Xi in petals. She sat down on a decorative rock, took off her black eunuch’s cap, and shook off the cherry petals. As she focused on cleaning her cap, she didn’t notice a figure appear behind her.

Zheng Dayun had just delivered the account books from the Jiangnan Weaving Bureau to the Emperor, and then personally delivered this year’s new fabrics and specialties from Jiangnan to the various consorts. He had just come out of Concubine Kang’s palace when he saw a pretty and delicate figure, half-hidden in the cherry blossom grove. The person wore a eunuch’s uniform but possessed a figure more alluring than any girl’s. It could be no one else but his little sweetheart,⁸ Yao Xi.

The very first day Yao Xi entered the palace, Zheng Dayun had heard that a new, extremely handsome eunuch had arrived at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. Although he was a lecher, he was an extremely picky one; not many people met his standards. But as long as they did, it didn’t matter if they were male or female, even a eunuch was fine. To his surprise, Yao Xi was a straightforward person, too. Knowing that Yao Xi had just entered the palace, Zheng Dayun had considerately sent him some wound medicine and proposed the idea of becoming “contracted brothers.” Yao Xi had agreed on the spot.

This daring to love and hate, this completely unpretentious style, made Zheng Dayun even more fascinated with Yao Xi.

Normally, with mutual affection and a settled relationship, something should have happened that very night. But Zheng Dayun considered that Yao Xi had just entered the palace and his wound hadn’t yet scabbed over, so he put the matter of sleeping together aside. As a result, not long after, his godfather sent him to Zhejiang. He hadn’t seen Yao Xi for over a year. Although Zheng Dayun was a lecher, his affections were passionate but not long-lasting. His novelty in a person wore off quickly, but for a period of time, he would only like one person.

He thought to himself that since he and Yao Xi had become contracted brothers and he hadn’t yet had his way, the novelty certainly hadn’t worn off. Since he already had someone in his heart, he couldn’t touch flowers and provoke grass.⁹ For over a year at the Jiangnan Weaving Bureau, officials trying to curry favor had sent him all sorts of beauties to enjoy, but Zheng Dayun had managed to restrain himself.

How could Yao Xi know that Zheng Dayun’s so-called “contracted brothers” didn’t mean becoming sworn brothers? She simply thought she had gained a righteous elder brother. She knew even less that Zheng Dayun had made such a great “sacrifice” for her, not having broken his fast¹⁰ for over a year.

Zheng Dayun had planned to go find Yao Xi at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens tonight to relieve some stress after he finished his business in the capital. He never expected to run into him here.

Yao Xi had been nourished in the palace for over a year and was no longer as scrawny as when she first arrived. Zheng Dayun’s eyes swept over Yao Xi’s body, imagining the feel of her every part. He then worried: what if he had abstained for too long and his skills had gotten rusty, what if he couldn’t perform well?

Unaware that Zheng Dayun was taking advantage of her in his mind, Yao Xi stood up happily and greeted him, “Zheng-dage? Are you finished with the Weaving Bureau’s business?”

Zheng Dayun reined in his messy thoughts. Asked about official business, he was rather proud. “I found a way to improve the weaving speed of the looms. Starting this year, the Bureau’s cloth production will at least double.”

Yao Xi gave him a very supportive round of seal-style clapping,¹¹ her face full of admiration.

“What business brings you into the inner palace?” Zheng Dayun didn’t really want Yao Xi to stay in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. The work there was heavy; the purchased fruits and vegetables had to be carried into the palace box by box, and then sorted by grade. Those that weren’t perfectly shaped or had bruises couldn’t be sent to the masters.

Since entering the palace, Zheng Dayun was the only person who had shown her kindness. And with his background, he had no reason to want anything from her. She had heard from other eunuchs that Zheng Dayun was a bit of a romantic, but Yao Xi didn’t really care. At least Zheng Dayun didn’t harbor that kind of intention toward her. As for matters of love, as long as it was consensual and didn’t harm others, Yao Xi didn’t think it was a big deal.

There was no need to hide the fact that she wanted to change jobs from Zheng Dayun. Firstly, they had a good relationship, and secondly, maybe he could even help. “I heard there’s a vacancy in the palace, so I wanted to wait here for Director Ye from the Directorate of Palace Attendants to recommend myself.”

“Your news travels fast.” Zheng Dayun reached out and tapped Yao Xi’s forehead indulgently. “You knew as soon as the eunuch on night duty in the Empress Dowager’s palace was assassinated. But that’s a tough job… If you really want to go, I can put in a word for you with the Directorate?” Toughness aside, the key was that the Empress Dowager’s Ning’an Palace was the place in the entire Imperial Palace with the highest mortality rate. Zheng Dayun was reluctant to let Yao Xi go. He was just saying it casually, thinking of using this opportunity to transfer Yao Xi to his side, so he could take him along on future long-distance assignments.

Of course Yao Xi knew what a perilous place Ning’an Palace was. She was afraid Zheng Dayun would really send her to the Empress Dowager’s palace and quickly waved her hands. “No, no, no. I’d rather end myself than go to Her Majesty the Empress Dowager’s palace…”

Yao Xi was about to say more when she suddenly saw Zheng Dayun’s face change. She remembered that some people had pollen allergies and asked uneasily, “What’s wrong with you? Why have you suddenly lost all color?”

Seeing Yao Xi’s slow reaction, Zheng Dayun had no time to worry about her. Between life and love, Zheng Dayun resolutely chose life.

“This slave, Zheng Dayun, greets Her Majesty the Empress Dowager.”

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